Hope the weekend is wonderful for both of you!

When the BC discussion comes off the table, I hope you both go into it fully medically informed, which alleviates fear. My perspective is different because Hubs and I were already "spayed and neutered" so to speak, before we got together. We've been able to medically compare our experiences, and he does agree that his was less invasive, and even with the complications he had during his procedure, his healing was much shorter than mine. He's suffered no long-term side effects, from what he has said and from what I've seen.

Second (and third) opinions are good things, and tabling it until LB's aren't a factor in the decision (as you all are teaching me wisely) opens the door for a true logical decision to be made about it.

Hope your weekend is full of swimming, good food, lots of time together and much laughter!

Hey Hilltopper .. just wondering how you are doing? Hope all is well over there where you are and that you and your wife and rebuilding your romantic relationship!

MrNiceGuy

Just got back from vacation with my family and a few other families. It was fun but tiresome. Wife and I have not been following the program nearly as much as we did before. I don't even know where she put the workbook. I've approached her a few times about being concerned but she seems disinterested. She keeps saying she doesn't want to talk about it. The LBs are few and far between, but the meeting of ENs are pretty much dead so I'm unhappy again. No SF in three and a half weeks. Affection is fairly infrequent. I could be better, but have tried to focus hard on her two most important ENs which are financial support and admiration. Have any of you Vets kind of drifted away from the MB Program and found yourselves in need of going back to the basics?

Find it.

Stop approaching her to talk about it, and start doing it.

Okay, so you've stopped punching holes in her lovebank, now it's time to fill it up. Neither of you are going to feel great with empty lovebanks ... it's called neglect.

Neither of these are the 4 Intimate ENs -- SF, Affection, RC, Conversation.

FS is important to her, but it will not cause her to fall in love with you. Dr. Harley says that when the non-intimate ENs are at the top of a person's list, it is most likely because they are in withdrawal.

Start meeting the 4 Intimate ENs -- these should be what your UA time concentrates on.

Your admiration will probably be more affective, too, if you are meeting the 4 Intimate EN.

Is she still willing to have UA with you?


It happens. Don't let it discourage you. Just pick up the pieces, and start over.

The basics are for the Vets, too, btw. They're not just for beginners. You're creating a new way of life here, and any time you let it slide, old habits are bound to show through.

Hill .. I know how ya feel bud.. i had a similar holiday with the family and some friends over the last few weeks. I quickly discovered how much UA time I was missing out on becasue our children and friends were around us (camping) the entire time! As a joke i tried rocking our camper back and forth to see if my DD or DS would notice .... sure enough (as my wife and I giggled) i get the "whos rocking the camper!" then soon as I get back from holidays .. BAM my wifes period hits. So i get to put off on my need for SF until a later date! Holidays with friends makes UA time very hard to accomplish.

So in the mean time .. i just hold the fort .. keep doing my life long Plan A and smile and not pressure my wife. She knows my needs are going unmet and has actually appologized for our lack of UA and said she will make it up to me soon.

But as for the vets comment. My wife and I have to occasionally remind each other of the MB stuff to keep it fresh ... We will be rereading our books again once all my family that i loaned them out to return them back to us.

Just keep finding ways to meet the 4 intimate needs on a regular basis ... and grabbing as much UA time as you can in between meeting her needs for FC, DS, FS and whatever else is on her list.

Keep being the MB beacon in your family! SHe will shine through eventually again as things get back on track after you recover from the holidays you just came back from.

MrNiceGuy

What's your plan for today? How are you going to start over?

I'm in the middle of a lawsuit with my business partner, buried in it now. Wife is with kids swimming with friends. We'll spend some time tonight together.

This is good. When life is beating on you, you need a place to escape to. Escaping together is a great way to bond and take care of each other.

Plan your time together, and give yourself something to look forward to. How are you going to spend your evening?

Did you ever get on anti-depressants?

No, I'm really not depressed anymore, things are infinitely better than 3 months ago. My wife however is fairly depressed quite a bit. I would love for her to get a prescription just to see how it makes her feel. That is a tough subject to approach though.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, progress on the BC front?

Nope. She hates condoms. I am opposed to a vasectomy(no need to try and debate me ok?). She said BCP makes her feel weird. She wants me to go see doc to get a consult about a vasectomy, but he was out of town for two weeks, but I'm willing to go. She made an appointment to get some consulting herself but never went. So we just sit here not doing anything about it. I'm unhappy about having zero SF and I stopped asking because I get turned down.

The rest of our time spent ain't all that bad, but baby has been a pill of late probably due to teething. I pulled out the workbook and have spent 30 mins going over it today. She did ask me if we could go out Friday and get a babysitter so that is good.

I would bring this up once a week and try to talk to her about it. Share with her things you've learned, and ask her what she thinks. Ask her to make a new appointment with her doctor, but don't try to force her. Don't bring it up more than once a week.

Have the two of you read about Essure? A non-surgical sterilization option ...

Don't give up. There's an answer that will make both of you happy.

In the mean time, continue to fill her lovebank as much as she will let you. Glad to hear you found the workbook ... you can make it, Hilltopper.

I am new.. but yes... I second Prisca in the look up

ESSURE dot com

It is awesome and it isn't surgical, but works just as well.
Might be the solution you can both enthusiastically agree on :-)
I know as my H is the same with vasectomy and this was our find!

Have you thought about options like IUDs if she doesn't want to be sterilised?

I actually don't want my husband to get a vasectomy, he has had testicular pain in the past and from what I read the risk of having continual testicular pain after the op is relatively high compared to the minor side effects I get from the IUD.

Have y'all looked into natural family planning? I never tried it but lots of folks have had successful results. If you're interested we have a member here Telly who IIRC has taught classes about it, I can ask her to pop in over here.

Wife is aware.

Sure I'd love to hear from Telly.

Back to the beginning with us. My wife said we can begin MB again once I go to a doctor's appointment for a vasectomy. We had a date tonight scheduled and she said, "we mine as well just not go then," after we had a disagreement and disrespected each other a bunch. It involved her describing everything as "disgusting" about the house. She complains several times a day about anything and everything and it wears on me when she does. Its just really hard to be around and no matter how clean something gets she'll [censored] about it anyways.

I can't control her and won't try so I just sent her a text that I was sorry for being disrespectful and then condescending about MB(I told her that I had warned her that we'd be at each other's throats if we didn't sit down and get back to MB principles.) She feels its my fault for not helping her clean out the garage enough. I volunteer weekend after weekend but we never get around to it because we are doing other things. We had a date planned tonight and I offered to pick up take out, drop the kids off and clean the garage with her instead, but she said no. She isn't asking me to get a V consult, she is demanding it. In fact she refuses to go to her own consult or have sex until I do. I've told her how I feel about them and politely emailed her the reasons why, but I feel she doesn't respect my feelings on the issue which is why she demands I go whether I want to or not. She just confirmed she is withholding sex and if it is a few months then "so be it."

Not good, wife just confirmed she won't get a consult at all and is withholding sex. I have two options, condoms or V's. She has about 10 options which I know is kind of unfair, but that is just medicine, I can't control it. So basically I have to get a V against my will in order to have a romantic relationship with my wife. What a great position to be in. Hopefully things will calm down a bit.