Surreal weekend. Found out about affair #2 that was prior to this that was with someone I knew and lasted for two years. So that makes three years I was in the dark. Hurt a little, but I really was quite surprised at how it didn't change things all that much. We've been getting along great with a few bumps here and there. Went furniture shopping and I went with him mainly to stop him from spending too much, but had a bit of success as I got a new bed because I said that if there is any reconciliation in the future, no bed that he had slept with someone else in was coming into my home, so he could take the old one and I will get new. That felt good.

He's made another appointment to go to the counselor and is reading Purpose Driven Life which I've already read previously and I suggested that we go over those questions together after he is done to compare and stated that I thought that would be good whether we were married or not.

No expectations and he will move out and I'm going to let him go. I can see so clearly now how plan B is necessary for the BS. Going to attorney today so I'm nervous.

I think the best part of giving him your marital bed is SHE will have to sleep in a bed that you slept in. Brilliant! Any word from OWH?

No word from OWH yet. Attorney advised me to back off that a bit until I get some financial protection in order. Then go for it so he is working on that.

The attorney didn't know, but if it is a legal separation (WS still says no to divorce) do I still keep my healthcare that is under his work? I guess I can call the company.

I'm not giving up, I'm just trying to prepare and get my financial ducks in a row.

I'm having a bad day today. Very emotional because with WS move we talked some finances last night. It sucks that I didn't move faster on financial protection from the attorney because of the huge difference in our incomes he has me a bit trapped in that way.

Ok all, can anyone give me a pep talk? WS is taking OW out tonight. OW H has not contacted me from letter and I'm giving him a call this morning. I'm nervous and afraid. Any support would be appreciated.

I'm afraid WS is going to get mad and he will take it out on me financially.

Hi Rikitikitavi2,

Right now you can worry about what your husband is doing, he is a wayward and there is no talking sense into him at this stage.
Just keep up the plan to call the OW's husband, take notes become allies and then together try to break up the affair, in the meantime take care of that financial stuff and don't let him convince you he is not responsible for you.
Don't let him control what you do, you stand up for yourself, be firm but don't give in to him, tell him you will run everything by your lawyer before you agree to anything..........
Try to put things off as long as you can before signing anything........you have to buy some time for the affair couple to feel the reality of their affair through exposure and just plain old every day life.........
Just remember this is a long haul don't get caught up in the beginning every step you take now is a step for recovery remember this and in the beginning you get nothing for yourself you have to be the stronger one right now, show him that side of you........
good luck
jessi

Ok, so I did it. I just got off the phone with the OW H. It took his breath away. She's been lying to him too. I told him where OW and WS were going tonight. I told him to check her phone for texts and emails. I told him that I'm willing to meet with him with my proof. He asked me how I found him. I gave him my cell and I have his. He says he is going to talk to his wife. I told him that from what I'm being told he is an abusive husband, and after talking with him I do not think that is the case.

So vets, what fallout am I going to be facing now so I can be mentally prepared. WS is going to go ballistic right?

So at this point, do I still Plan A?

Absolutely.

Do not get baited into a fight about YOUR actions.
Your WH will be steaming mad about getting OW caught, and twist it into being YOUR fault.

You have done NOTHING wrong.

Reply simply and sweetly. "Yes, honey. I told OWH about your affair. Want some dessert?"

Change the subject. Get away from him. Do not let him become abusive over exposure. Just remember, HE is the one who did wrong. Telling the truth is not a crime!

Expect him to be furious. Do not get rattled by it!
He will tell you that YOU can't be trusted.
That he was JUST about to pick you, but now you've ruined everything.
Some waywards have even tried to get the betrayed spouse to recant their story and help FIX the AFFAIR!

Expect it. Be ready for it. Ignore it.

So he isn't coming home. I said it was fine to come home, I didn't want to fight either and I would just be in a different part of the house. I'm sure he is going to other city to "save" her. Not rattled by that in the least.

If he comes home you can be in the same part of the house as him.
Just do not get into discussions defending yourself or love busting (disrespectful judgements, angry outbursts, selfish demands)
If he is nasty and wildly angry in his communication with you, do not react other than calmly (even if inside you are shivering).

Nicely wrought exposure, Riki. Well done! Off to the big city to 'save' her, is he? Silly wayward.

Keep up a strong Plan A. Expect him to come home, because he'll have nowhere to go. His OW has got some 'splainin to do to her H.

Allow him to babble on about how you've ruined everything, that he was considering staying in the marriage but you ruined that idea, blah blah blah. It's all fog-babble. Ask him if he would like to order take-out Chinese or should you throw a steak on the grill?

Let him blow himself out.

Wow, so many updates.

Well sulking WS still tried to maintain contact with OW so I asked him to leave the home and went to Plan B. That was the 22nd. So far I'm doing ok. He is bending over backwards being nice, but no actions as of yet. Walked a 5K and have been having good and bad days. Family is still supporting me.

OW H called today to check on me and that his wife said she didn't have contact with WS anymore. I told him I did not think that was completely true as I caught him hiding in the garage talking to him on the 22nd, but that since I've kicked him out I really wouldn't know. He and I wished each other luck and hung up. My kids are doing ok. I've ordered some books and am going to really work on recovery for myself and detaching as best I can. I already miss him.

Updates on me. Packing WS stuff is a bit therapeutic. Had an accident at work and had to get checked for a head injury (I'm fine, but very sore) and WS found out about it from DS and took care of me one day. Misdirected a text to me meant for OW. So I contact OW H to let him know that they still had contact. WS has told family members it's over, but obviously he is not willing to give up contact or work on the M. So it's back to Plan B and work on myself. I'm doing just ok. Sad, but ok.

Hang in there, glad you are okay, work on yourself and don't worry about what he is doing now.........
Stay dark let him feel what his decisions are doing to HIS life.........he needs to feel it all in order to learn.......
one day at a time........
jessi

Update from me. WS moved out, not doing well at maintaining plan B as my intermediary fell on some hard times, but tis back. Actually, I'm probably not going to use him too much anyway because I have Cozi set up for the kids and I really don't have any need to respond to him now.

Trying hard not to be sad. I am getting to the point of pure disgust for him. Who does this to his kids? He has NO REMORSE whatsoever.

I'm sorry to hear this, riki. Stay strong, though! One thought: does he have a certain time that he contacts the kids? Don't let him contact them whenever he wants. It's too confusing and disruptive to them, and he needs to see that he no longer has a central point in their lives like he used to.

No he doesn't have a certain time. They are 16 and 20 and have cell phones. I don't think he contacts them all that often, but don't know.

Wanted to run some things past you all. You know, we talk of actions all the time and I want to see what these actions from WS mean.

He offers to mow the lawn. He does favors for me (like get my bike down, fixing something). He's on an allowance. Asked if I was ok after some upsetting news from D20. Wondered if I wanted to go out to dinner with my SIL on Saturday during his father's day celebration (not with him, just her) Let me know he had a counselor meeting today (via an email which I now do not respond to). Gave me an update regarding my son at camp.

I've not had any relationship talk so I'm pretty sure MOW is still in the picture even though I've exposed to her family (they are in denial at this point).

I know in Plan B, I'm to be working on me and pushing these thoughts out of my head space, but it's just so confusing.

Does anyone see mixed messages here?

You are allowing him to cake-eat if you continue to have contact. See, whenever he talks to you he gets a Riki-fix. Things you do for him that OW could never do properly.

Then he goes and gets his other needs met with OW.

Cut ALL contact completely. Since your kids are older it should be much easier to cut the cord. This is IMPERATIVE to your recovery.