Tom2010,

I am so sorry this is happening, I hope your wife can get the help she needs and can come to a better place......I hope you are looking after yourself as well and have a support system in place, be there to support your children and just be patient with the whole process, we all know it is not easy and we wish you the best.......
I am glad you are posting and if it helps someone you will have done a good thing.....to be so giving at a time like this says a lot.......
good luck
jessi

I had a long conversation with Char awhile ago this afternoon. She called to wish me a belated happy father's day and birthday wish which is tomorrow. Will be 69. Made me melt. She and I have had this thing for a long while if we don't talk to each other in awhile that we do not care about each other. Then we've made up. I guess I feel still despite what happens that I need to be constantly reminded that she Does care. Ya know I feel I spent the last two weeks alone wondering if I would ever hear from her. It got me down and I didn't have anywhere near the energy I normally have. It's a very depairing feeling. She called me tho and I called her back.

Here is the thing. As much as I would love to be independently off financially I am not and am not able to afford an independent or even an assisted living facility for her and a place for me. She is in a rehab center now out of state at the demand of her brother and sil who brought her there from here after her suicide attempt. Apparently her brother etc is not as tough as he thinks he is because she called me this afternoon to just get in touch again and wish me the fathers day wish and wondering how I am doing. Point is he controls the purse strings regardiing her inheritance from her dad and mom who passed away back in 2003. There were separate funds established for each of their three kids - Char and her two bothers - but her dad made her brother administrator of those trust funds. There is a good reason to be careful with my wife in terms of whether or not she can live at all independently or even with assisted after what happened, but it seems they lied to her regarding the need to bring her out of state and what this new facility would be like. She expressed to me today she is very unhappy misses our kids and me but she feels. She is in an out of the way nursing home and rehab center and she expressed that there are only '90 year olds' and severely depressed people there. This is the first time I have had the opportunity to talk with her at length since she left here. Apparently her brother or sil convinced her to give a story that she was on vacation in Michigan for two weeks, when in fact they had her down where they live.

Bottom line is that she wants to come home and have us, yes us, live in an assisted living home. I would be willing to give my up condo which I lease to do that but there are more funds needed - her funds. I had to tell her that that is not possible without a sitdown meeting with all of us - our kids, me, her, and her brother and sil to resolve honestly what is best for Char. They have refused and are being very private. I had to hold my tongue regarding her brother. He's a lawyer and knows the strategies. Endured our kids flailing him yesterday when they called on Fathers' Day. This guy - her brother - nor his wife have sent a birthday card or even made a phone call to my son or daughter in the last five years. In my growing up years I never ever experienced an uncle or aunt like that. They have no kids of their own, he is an ex marine from viet nam days, seems unsettled and unhappy and he drinks. but he has his law degree.

I am going to step back and pray and think this thru for now. No easy answer. I know I may need to tell her that it isn't possible, but as her husband I need to look at all options. Situation is that I feel and our kids feel her brother is intruding on our marriage and our family. He is and it's due to the control of finances. As much as I would love to bash his head in right now and carry Char back to IL and be wtih her I know that is not the solution.

I am honestly so happy tho that she called me! I told her that I felt like she was just jettising us and getting out. She told me no she loves me and misses all of us, so now I think she got herself kind of trapped there.

Well this is the situation now. I felt I could resovle the finacial part long before this but not.

Going to have to take quite abit of time now and focus on this. I think deep down I do know and our kids know that she cannot live unassisted. I did promise her that I would look into options for us to be together. The very hardest part of this is if and when I may have to tell her that that is not possible now. Still I feel angry that someone intruded on our marrage and so does Char - she feels betrayed.

Tom

Tom,

Sounds like you are sitting back and letting her brother put it to both of you. Get a lawyer.

CV,

Hi and thanks for your comment, but no neiher I or my kids are sitting back.

I am now realizing this is more of a mental health/legal/family issue than it is a marriage problem, so maybe after I explain a little more I will post less on this here because of this. The first issue is that I realize, and this is with some experience and consult now, that she cannot live in other than a skilled nursing/assisted living facility. As I had posted almost a year ago now, not on this thread but on another which I cannot locate now, I had taken her for interviews last year to these types of facilities here in our area. The indepenndent living turned out to be not acceptable. I sort of knew that going in but I wanted to investigate. The history of her mental illness, her risk of falling or becoming dioriented and now from what I have learned two suicide attempts in last few months make that impossible. She is of a mind that is what she wants and that is unrealistic and that is one of the things I am struggling with now is how to explain that to her. There are only a couple of assisted livng facilities here with an on duty nurse to administer medication. One rejected her and the other was open but is ultra expensive. They have to be registered as a qualified mental health care facility and there are only these two that are. As I have learned that state if IL has cut back over the last several years on these facilities as well as skilled nursing homes as well as any funds to help support these facilities. So, the state has been supporting a few nursing home, but they have taken in anyone, including those who are violent and those that the local courts don't have the option of placing in incarceration due to overcrowding.

The second issue - her funds. They are in a trust established by her dad with her brother as the admin. He must have known pretty much that their kids had mental problems or other problems. My son and I have consulted with an attorney. One possible violation is that as the trust administrator he has not sent my wife or me any year-end statement of status of funds. While that is a violation of most state laws where the trust fund was established it is difficult to prosecute.

The third issue is her family. I know I have criticised her brothers to her in the past, with her parents deceased (and they were both wonderful people) she and her two brothers have never been close and for awhile now have not communicated. Very cold dysfunctional people. She has often told me she never felt a part of that family, but when her parents were still alive she felt very close to them and we saw them often. In the last 20 years she has seen her brothers probably probably a half dozen times including her one brother meeting her at the airport a couple of weeks ago when he arraged to bring her down there. I have a sister and two sept-brothers and even tho they live out of state as well we communicate often.

So I am not sitting back. First thing I want to do now that I have talked at length with her is to talk with my kids, and then hold a family meeting to get this all on the table including her brother and sil.

This has been quite a couple of days. I had my son here last night and grilled shrimp on my birthday and we both enjoyed. We all had a conference call with my daughter and wife after we ate. I did talk to both of them about our situation and told them I would get back on what I think could be done and then I had several calls that I missed from my son this morning. When I did talk to him he just wanted to know when I would be home. And then just a few hours ago he came over and brought in a box with a new HD flat tv and dvd. He just told me to take a walk and when I came back he had it installed and wow now I am watching cubs whitesox and it feels like I am there. I was stil using the tube tv we bought in the 90s. My son my daughter and my wife chipped in to do this for fathers' day/birthday (they are usually just a couple days apart). I did talk to my wife a short while ago about a possibility to resolve our situation but right now this is amazing.

I could talk at length about the care and love my family has shown me but right now I am too excited to just enjoy this.

Tom

Well the gift from my family is wonderful but I can't get into to it tonight. I miss my wife and right now I feel she has made it worse for us. She is in a wheelchair now becuase she can't walk well her balance is upset. I have an opportunity to talk with her dr. late this afternoon and it's pretty much what I expected. She had to be on intervenous for awhile and that has weekend her and she can't walk now without assistance. She had a problem staying focused on the present. From what the guy said it is going to take awhile for her to become half way independent. I am convinced now this is one of the better care rehab facilities and there is only one here in our area. I understand now why they had to bring her down there. The sad thing is that she seems to think that I can just arrange for us to be together here adn I can't. She keeps insisting on independent living. I don;t have it in my heart to tell this woman now that as much as I want her here with me it can't be done now.


I feel very sad right now that she can't be here with me to view the new tc and that she is a wonderful person and woman but I honestly feel powerless right now.

Hope that any of you facing anything similar have the presence of God guiding you.

Tom, I've never posted to you before, but I've read your posts and followed what is going on with you and Char. I just wanted to say my heart goes out to you and I am keeping you and Char and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

Tom,

Is she experiencing dementia maybe?

cv

Short and simple, his actions financially holding her could be construe financial and emotional abuse of a vulnerable adult. I suggest you contact the ombudsman for your state and the current state in which she is residing.

Hello All,


It has taken me this much time to post here because of all the emotions I have felt the last few weeks. Celtic, all I can say is maybe. She is alert, active, cognitive, and seemingly normal so I really doubt dementia. She is in recovery now to try to walk again mainly. She is in a rehab facility in a southern state and could not walk on her own when she got there. Whatever she used in her life attempt really affected her. She is walking okay now but this is almost a month after her attempt. All I know is that she must have done that as a protest. I know the place she was before was bad as I have posted. Now, she is walking okay and seems like normal, but when I and our kids have talked to her she wants to 'escape from this prison'. Not being there I can't evaluate, except that the way this was done by her brother and sister in law has them as pretty much anethema as people.

I want her back here and our kids do too, and I feel stongly she will be. Apparently her brother gave a request to the nusring staff there that she should not accept any calls or contacts from me or my son or daughter. She found a way to contact me a week ago via long distance on a phone there and that is when I explained to her the situation. Even tho they blocked my calls she has been able to call me and our son here and we have been able to get her to realize what is going on. She had felt that since she hadn't heard from us (calls blocked) that we didn't care. Her birthday was last Tuesday. I had sent her a card and money from all of us, and the admin would not confirm that she had received it. Was irrate and same day I filed a complaint with the adult protective services dept in that state as well as a call to the local police to request they check on her freedom and well-being. The advice Celtic that I got was this borders on unlawful restraint. They must have contacted that rehab facility because now we have open lines. The response from the local police to go there was unacceptable - are you even in the state - are you her husband, and I should not have but just told that deputy to try to wash the red off his neck and really try hard to get a H.s. diploma.

The bottom line in this is that yes she needs some or maybe alot of long-term care. The thing that offends me deeply is that her family member for whatever reason is disregarding the fact that she is just not just his sister, she is a wife and a mother of two kids. This relative would have no idea because they do not have children not have they even contacted either my son or daughter for that last five years.


I am not sure where this will end. I am trying my best. I have a great deal of anger against her brother and she knows that to the extent that I sometimes imagine going there and breaking his neck. I am not just sitting here stewing tho I have gone to confession (in my faith) and feel comortable in trying to develop a true relationshi[p with Christ. I can almost hear Char's response to my last statement in that it is silly, but also that she would respect it. She is one of the most honest beautiful and loving person I could ever know here on earth and I miss her.

Tom

I just wanted to add this. It is not all downside or worry. I am here and she is there, and as much as I desire us to be able to be together as I kidded her the other day I can watch some John Wayne or Clint Eastwood movies not that she objected to when we lived together. So yea I am not going to go under but am going to enjoy my evening.

Also, I want to do something special for her. She loves our cats - MItzie and Rusty. She got both of them and now for last year I am their caretaker but I love them both too. I want to take a really good picture of both put those picts in a card and send it.

Tom