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So things have been very rocky lately. I think I'm getting prepared to go to plan B.
I was supposed to be on the radio show Friday but had to cancel and so hopefully this week.
I know I need to do a stellar Plan A before going into Plan B but I need to get my taker under control. What length have you determined for Plan A? Have you began planning for Plan B? Hit those two things FIRST - getting those in order, you may be able to sate your taker.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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So I thought we were heading towards recovery but obviously a FR when I find 3 numbers on the phone. I was doing so well on the AO but then have one when I see that.
I want to ask Dr. H if Plan B is what I should do.
I am putting my PB letter together and trying to find an IM.
I'm having a tough time doing the carrot of PA and not just stick.
I feel like all my hard work went out the window and I'm frustrated to the Max.
Really having a tough time getting my taker under control.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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So I thought we were heading towards recovery but obviously a FR when I find 3 numbers on the phone. I was doing so well on the AO but then have one when I see that.
I want to ask Dr. H if Plan B is what I should do.
I am putting my PB letter together and trying to find an IM.
I'm having a tough time doing the carrot of PA and not just stick.
I feel like all my hard work went out the window and I'm frustrated to the Max.
Really having a tough time getting my taker under control. You have two carrots for your taker; Plan B, and reconciliation (or divorce, if need be). Concentrate on your Plan A while you prep and plan for Plan B. When your taker rages, remind yourself that you are setting the "Plan B bear trap" and she will be sated.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Posts: 20,479 Likes: 6
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I'm trying really hard to understand if Plan B is where I need to go. I will have to move out so it will take longer for me to find a place.
I am supposed to be on the radio show this Friday and so I hope I can make it this time.
I have been putting together a pro and con list and I'm finding my LB is very, very low.
I know I need to have an awesome Plan A completed right before Plan B but I am having the toughest time controlling my taker.
I don't know what I am asking other than how to Plan A when your 99.9% of ending the whole charade?
I don't think he will ever stop cake eating and I think I just need to accept that and move on??
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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So just a little update.
We both have been working with EP and having boundaries. My snooping is showing good stuff.
So here's my dilemma. I have been offered a really good job with a really good company in TX. His family and all his kids are in TX. I will have no support system but my DD14 who will have her DStep brother and sisters there.
My concern is all the drama that will come from his EX and that I won't have any support system there. I'm also very concerned with his boundaries not being strong enough. We both are doing very good here and spend over 20 UA hours together.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Oct 2000
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POJA all major decisions.
Not with us, with your H.
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Joined: Oct 2010
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POJA all major decisions.
Not with us, with your H. E-N-T-H-U-S-I-A-S-T-I-C
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
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So we are trying to POJA this move and I'm trying to be enthusiastic about it and when it gets heated we stop and revisit.
He is being really good and keeps trying to reassure me that we won't have the same problems as we have had here. So why don't I believe him? Oh because that's what we said before we moved here.
So I'm doing everything I need to do if we decide on moving.
I've been praying about it and I don't feel at peace yet.
I am very concerned that we are going back to his old stomping ground and with all his baggage and no support system for me.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Contact The Harley's via email.
Describe the situation.
Tell them you are struggling with POJA over this important decision.
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First, email your questions to Joyce at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com.
Then, she will respond to you within a day by return email, and give you a toll-free number and specific time to call Dr. Harley
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POJA the email to the Harleys.
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Ok.
I actually emailed back in November when this all started and I was on the show in December.
I was supposed to have a follow up when I was thinking about going into Plan B but I never could get the times worked out.
So I will try again.
Last edited by BrainHurts; 06/21/11 08:18 AM.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,479 Likes: 6
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While I'm waiting to get a phone call in with the Harleys, I just have a few thoughts/questions.
Do you really think a serial cheater can change?
Why do people still try to lie and cover themselves when there's so much evidence?
If someone can't ever come clean, can they make true changes?
If you have a history of cheating in every relationship why would you not continue to cheat in this one?
Yes he knows about EP and boundaries and this is the first time I've seen some work on those but I'm tired of being lied to and to always be snooping. He sure can say the right things but actions seem weak. I almost feel like I'm the parent.
Last edited by BrainHurts; 06/23/11 05:18 PM.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,479 Likes: 6
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We POJA'd the move and we decided to stay.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,479 Likes: 6
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Posts: 20,479 Likes: 6 |
I'm having major anxiety to check my spying tools, which means something is up.
I have this overwhelming feeling I need to be in Plan B and so I'm trying to get things together but it is very slow.
I'm struggling with my anger again and commiting lovebusters, which I'm not proud of.
Could never call the Harleys back because WH is always around. We are never apart. Our UA is off the charts but I don't feel like I'm in love I feel like I'm an idiot for "taking" everything.
I was getting so much better with myself and then I feel like I've tumbled all the way back to the mud. The only thing that has got better is my boundaries are a force around the castle.
I can't help to feel like I'm just not moving forward and moving backwards.
Last edited by BrainHurts; 07/24/11 04:52 PM.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Posts: 20,479 Likes: 6
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Posts: 20,479 Likes: 6 |
Got into a very volatile fight this morning.
Plan D for me.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
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Posts: 7,449 |
Please move to Plan B, stay there for a while and then decide if you want Plan D!
Do you want Plan B help? Please let us know...
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Yes I NEED Plan B help.
I know I will have to be the one that moves because I already talked to the cops. They told me I can not force him out and I can not change the locks. I need to get out and get my own place.
No family here and no friends that have space for my daughter and I.
I guess I can go to a hotel for a few days but it just drains money I don't have. It's such a mess.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Posts: 7,449
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Can you expose him to his family and friends and ask them to help pressure him to leave?
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