I am going to try not make this long. My H and few friends always do a Halloween skit at work. It is a 4 yr tradition. So they have had lots of stresses at work and have argued and argued over what to do and if it would be funny. THe whole time I am thinkin, lighten up guys you've never worried about it before. But I was always affirming .. You guys will be funny etc etc . The skit is today, last night he sat down again and began to tell me about the worry and so forth. So I though I would help and I said...<BR>You guys are trying for perfection, just get up do your normally stupid stuff and sit down. He says .. That's real good and storms out of the house! I said What? Now most of you know I am a little over a month in recovery of an EA, at which I uncovered a PA while finding out about the EA. He still works with the EA OW and still receives emails from the PA OW, which he says he rarely answers. Anyway, instead of seeing this as a minor fight, or miscommunication, I hit ground zero. CLosed up, cleaned the kitchen, left him at home with screaming child and went to the store to buy hairspray.<BR>Later on he's acting like nothing happened and I am being a little step offish! HE says what's wrong? SO I explain he hurt my feelings and one of the biggest complaints he has about me is I will not fight, I wlk away, but yet he did the same thing. HE said what he heard was " We're too tense and screwing up." I said that's not what I said. I meant "Stop taking yourselves so seriously, you're always funny, just get up and have a good time." Which this lead into a conversation about us ... SO I finally got up the nerve to ask some burning questions?.<BR>I asked him what finally put him over the edge with the PA OW, They had been flirting with danger for 2 years before anything finally happened. He says again I was in my own little world and she truly cared about "how his day went". I couldn't believe my ears. I've heard the withdrawn, closed up part before. I sat there for minute , I simply do not have an explosive bone in my body. I said, "You don't rememember when I used to care do you?, When I would ask about his day or beg him to just talk to me about what goes on in his life." You know what I got from him when I tried to ask about his day?<BR>"I hate those kinds of questions!" After years of reaching for him, taking the blame for everything, I grew up in a troubled home to say the least, so I have the take it and get over it personality. I took everything, for lack of space I won't go into too much detail, but after 4 years of it. I tried and tried. to talk, to read asked for counseling. YOu name it. It was never enough. Anyway <BR>the response I got from him was well I don't remember me when I was that way to you. <BR>I have 2 questions?<BR>1 -- does anyone else have that happen a small non related fight feels like the end of the world?<BR>2 -- Am I wrong for wanting my feelings validated?<P>I don't want to manipulate him or play who hurt who the most, I just want an "I know I had my part in you closing up and I am sorry." Not .. You closed up so and weren't meeting my needs, I think he still doesn't see why I closed up. I have taken the blame and delt with guilt from everything in my past. THis is the one thing I can't accept total blame for.<BR>When anything is discussed it's always, you were so withdrawn and I needed what they were giving. What about all the times I needed to know about his day or help with the daily duties or help with our finances or the times i tried to make love to him and he would be tired, but I later discovered he spent all night either in emails with OW or on porn sites. <BR>I made a commitment when I married to be faithful and not divorce no matter what. I was very sexually permiscuous growing up. I have been totally faithful, for 8 years! even when he refused to meet any needs for me, after trying all I knew to try I quit and began living for me and my girls. I didn't cheat!<BR>anyway ... In the 11 years I've known him, he has never admitted fault, or expressed quilt I guess it's just who he is. I mentioned I had the take it and get over it personality , for some reason this is the one thing I can't take and bury. This is the one time I need him to shoulder some of the pain. I can't emotional reach for him anymore. When he was being so mean to me with words and neglect, I beatmyself up, thought he had settled he needed better, I thought I wasn't good enough for him. Now I realize he was cheating. ALso he told me when we married he wanted a Betty Crocker wife, so I was his BC wife. Then when he first met OW before affair started I was beinging clingy and to needy. So I got a full time job and still continued to handle everything in the house. Yes I did get very stubborn at one point, I wouldn't clean up. It was bad .. I thought well If I have to do it all myself, then it will get done when I have the time and energy to do it. Anyway, now after all is exposed, he says I didn't make him feel special or needed????? It was his idea I get some independance! I couldn't function at a job, doing everything that got done at home, manage the debt we had accumulated, care for 3 girls, which he blames me for, and treat him like king of the castle, when all he did was work, eat and sleep! The debt was because of his need to try every MLM program on the market. Which I never questioned or belittled or made him feel bad when he quit!<BR> Help! I am going in circles! I don't vent to him. I do and do for him as of late and beat myself up if I forget something. I vent here, but you know I really think I am going to have a break down soon. I did ask him last night if we could sit down this weekend and come up with a family mission statement .. What we want, what we stand for and how to go about it. I don't want to wonder what goes through his head anymore and I never want to here it was my plan or my agenda again.! He did say okay but wouldn't commit to when!<BR>Am I being crazy I really feel nutso today!<BR>Thanks<BR>M<P><BR>------------------<BR>Mater<P>[This message has been edited by Mater (edited October 29, 1999).]<P>[This message has been edited by Mater (edited October 29, 1999).]<p>[This message has been edited by Mater (edited October 29, 1999).]
