Hi everyone,
Hopefully I am doing this right. Here is the link to my previous post: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2518833&page=1

Hopefully that gets you caught up with what has been going on in my life. Last night, when H came home, he said he was done- done trying to make it work and he couldn't be with me anymore. Everything has been very tumultuous since my affair came out, and he has said this before, but it really seems like he is resigned this time. I cried and cried and told him I would (and I will) do anything to keep our family together- that I couldn't imagine and did not want to imagine my life without him. He said that he might feel differently if I went to live with my parents for a while. But, he said even then he wasn't sure he would. His words were "I have too much self respect to be with someone who treated me so horribly and intentionally.". He is right, he did not deserve what I did to him. I do not deserve to be with him, even, after what I did to our family, but I want my husband and family so much.

I am so sad, if I had known that yesterday might be the last day I would drop my wonderful stepdaughter off at summer camp, I would have taken her to the park and played with her and told her how much I love her over and over and over again. Same thing with my stepson. I can't imagine the thought of never seeing my step kids again.

He also told me he would make my life miserable if I didn't leave town and move away in addition to leaving if we divorce. My industry is very specific to the city we live in and I don't know what I would do for a living any where else.

I love my husband so much and I am willing to do anything and make whatever changes necessary to make us work. He is saying that is not enough.

Just this past Friday night, he told me I should trust him that things will work out that he just needed time to work t trough things.

Upsidedownlife,

I read parts of your other thread, and this short one. You are on a roller coaster as is your H. It will take time for it to calm down. One thing I really hate is when a WS gives a BS an ultimatum. Another thing I really hate is when a BS gives a WS an ultimatum. Now I know many here think the BS can and should do anything they feel they want to do, but I don't agree.

Your H threatening you to make you leave the town when you two divorce is not acceptable and frankly you should not tolerate it. I would refrain from telling you will do "anything" for him and to save the marriage. That means you will come up with nothing and force him to tell you how to run your life. What he needs is a woman that run her own life in a manner that shows respect for herself, her H, her family, and mutual friends. You have failed at that, but you don't and should not continue to fail.

Sit down and decide what your boundaries are. What your morals are. What your values are. What in your mind constitues a good woman, a good wife, and a good human being and start to live your life in that model. Actions are more telling than words, and if your actions are not sufficient then perhaps it is best to end this marriage.

BUT... you should not end it until YOU are acting and conductiing your life in a manner that will make you proud. You should show your H by your actions and how you lead your life that you have grown and you have learned. You owe him that, and you owe yourself that.

Upside, recovery from an affair is not about appeasement, it is about change and more than anything changes in actions and perspective. Work on that and let your H see the woman that can be. It is his choice to end this marriage as you did have the affair, but it is your choice as to what type of woman you are and will be. Make the correct choice.

God Bless,

JL

FWIW, I don't think the curtains are closing on your marriage. That's just me, looking at your timeline. You've got to remember, though, that your BH has the right to make that decision.

All you can do is show him your remorse and follow the MB plan for recovery of your marriage. Unfortunately, if he still wants a divorce, you must respect his decision. Not every wayward is lucky enough to have the opportunity to earn forgiveness. That's the chance you took when you cheated...maybe you will get lucky and he will change his mind. If he does, I hope you show him every day how much you love and appreciate him.

upside, you are still foggy yourself.
This is a marathon not a sprint. Your H can come back tomorrow and say he changed his mind, again and again and again.

Write him a 1 page letter. That way you will not get a knee jerk reaction or trigger and then lose your train of thought of what you are trying to express.

Main points:

Apology first = You are responsibible totally

Full transparancy

Do not use the word "but" AT ALL

Suggest this site to him for a way to have a M you both deserve

Attach No contact letter to be sent to OM
Attach letter to OMW exposing the A

Then you work on yourself and pray your DH will want the same

Just wanted to update you all and hoping for some advice.
My BH has decided he wants to separate for one month. I would leave on the 26th and return on July 25 and go stay with my parent. He says he needs some space to think and decide whether he wants to continue in the relationship.

I, on the other hand, think it's best for us to stay together and work through this if we possibly can. I do not want to leave. I can't stand the thought of being away from him for that period of time. I am also afraid he might go out and have a revenge affair. He has lost 10 pounds since our D day and is (and has always been) incredibly good looking and successful. I don't want that as another roadblock in our recovery. As an aside, I do know that he has the propensity to cheat as he has told me he did so in his first marriage.

Do you think he has cheated or is already cheating on you? Maybe you should do some snooping first. If he has or is having an affair, I think that would change the advice given by the vets here.

Did you do the suggestions made by Hope3343?

UDW,

Did you ask him if he wants you to.

1) Say you're sorry to OMW?

2) take a polygraph.

3) Get tested for STDs.

The tone of your previous posts are of a person who does not know how to communicate with her H, or perhaps of a person who is hiding details.

God Bless
Gamma

Upside,

What parts of the advice that you have already received have you implemented?

What have you left undone?


You have gotten lots of good advice. Your husband needs to see you PERFORMING ACTIONS THAT SPEAK TO YOUR REMORSE. You can talk all you want, but unless he sees letters, your behaviors changing, you calling him to tell him your whereabouts, improvements in meeting HIS emotional needs....etc.,


your marriage will not succeed.


It will stall right where it is.


The rollercoaster ride of emotions you are seeing in your husband is typical. Your response to his emotional outbursts of pain needs to be very consistent


-accept blame
-repeat your plan for change
-emphasize the things you have already done
-ask if there is anything in particular he needs you to do right away/today
-reassure him that you love him
-offer and ensure openness about your answers to his questions, and your current activities



Your consistency is important.
Your understanding of his highs and lows is paramount.
Your calm and loving response is mandatory.


SB

Upsidedown....

It sounds to me like the only reason you are afraid to part with your H is to keep tabs on him - to make sure he does not cheat as you did! Not any kind of an inclination for a good basis to stay married.

Tom

I have gotten an STD test. (all tests came back negative). I am calling and texting him all the time to let him know where I am. I am being as loving as I can be towards him.

I have deleted all my social networking accounts and I have given him full access to my phone/emails via passwords.

There has not been a no contact letter because my husband actually went and confronted the OM at his office to tell him that he must have no more contact with me. He later sent an email and cc'd me to the same effect (which we wrote together).

I do not want to leave my home. I want to stay here and keep loving my husband through this.

I do not want to leave my home. I want to stay here and keep loving my husband through this.

Good. All of us here can sympathize with your (sadly belated) concern for the state of your marriage.

Now, leave.

Stop whining, stop protesting, and for your own sake, stop putting your desires ahead of a very simple one expressed by your BH.

How dense does one have to be to not understand that it is not so much your absence that your BH is requesting, as it is your compliance with his request? He is not asking you to leave because he knows you will do so happily and willingly; he's asking you to leave because he knows fully well that it will upset you, that you do NOT want to do so. It is his form of just compensation. Consider yourself (unless he does eventually decide to bail on your union) incredibly lucky in his action. If he was merely unable to stand your presence, he would spend more time at work, take up golf (without you), or leave the home himself.

So go to your family's house. Spend every possible moment writing him, texting him, calling him, telling him how sorry you are, how you WILL somehow work to ease his pain. Surprise him by slipping home while he's at work, cleaning his man-mess, doing laundry, preparing his favorite meal and leaving it in the fridge. Be gone by the time he gets home. Make your enforced absence work FOR you.

Ask, ONCE a day, if he would let you come home the next day. In a month, you can return home, and then get at the hard work.

Thank you for that knock in the head. I will tell him tonight that I will go willingly.

Unfortunately, although it sounds great, I don't think I will be able to slip home at all because my Dad lives 2 hours away.

I will do my best to love him from afar and just be in constant contact. I worry, because I have a hard time talking on the phone, but I will do my best.

I don't think I will be able to slip home at all because my Dad lives 2 hours away.

I hope you can take another gentle "knock" -

The fact that you would have had to have driven two hours each way will make the gesture all the more....shocking?...precious?....to your BH. (Hell's bells - if you were across the street, who would care?)

UDL - I'm pulling for you. Fighting the fight as it comes to you is useful. Anticipating the fight on all fronts is.....extraordinary. Winning back a BH (especially one whose self-image's damage is compounded by the difference in your ages) requires extraordinary.

I have to wonder why these things didn't matter to you when you chose to have your affair?

You now have 4 days to prove to him that you are a safe, loving wife who will protect him from the pain you've caused him and meet his every emotional need.

So have you owned your affair? Have you made a credible case that it's 110% your fault for choosing an affair, and that you now are beginning to understand that the abuse you perpetrated upon him is as bad if not worse than having raped him?

Does he know you are full of contrition, and committed to a plan of building and protecting the marriage?

If not, what are you doing to make a credible case that you are? Men are about action. Talking about this will do nothing, you need to find actions that will speak to him regarding your awareness of how hurtful your actions were, how hurt he is, and how you seek to build and protect the marriage in the future.

You have four days to act. What actions will you take?

And if he still wants you to go, go like an adult. Tell him that you did this and if he wants you to leave, you will do that because it's his desire.