HAHA! I am SO going to try that! My husband does that stuff, too, especially with my friends. He is always telling them that they look really pretty when we go out and opening doors for them and it bugs the heck out of me. We recently had a HUGE fight when he told one of my pregnant friends that pregnancy suits her and is giving her a beautiful glow and then opened the car door for her but not me. He thought I was being selfish and insecure when I said it bothered me because he was just being nice to a pregnant lady. The thing is, he never says that stuff about me in front of my friends, so he gives off the impression that he is more complimentary to them than me.

I have a few friends that I don't spend time with around my H anymore because I am pretty sure they have a crushes on him.

My H really doesn't get jealous, but I pretty much never give him a reason to be jealous. There have been a few incidents when guys have complimented me and he has squirmed. I bet he would squirm even more if I was complimenting other men.

I don't think making your spouse jealous is MB sanctioned.

End of disclaimer. lol.

I will say that if you have friends who crush on your H, they are not your friends.

I completely get the special problems of dealing with someone who tells you it's your fault that you're hurt and they refuse to do anything different, since it's your problem. It's been my experience that MB does not work with them, simply because they won't participate. MB calls for Plan B in that case.

Your husband feels good when other women have a crush on him, I get that it is in our nature to do that. He used to feel that way around you you know. My guess is he doesn't feel that way at all right now. You "won him over" once and you can do it again. He wants that from you and rather than going about it in a MB way, he is throwing it in your face intentionally. That totally sucks and I'm sure it hurts really, really bad. Don't wallow in the pain, go treat him how he should be treated. He wants admiration, you are someone who can provide it for him, so go do it. Guys are stupid and we'll take an ego booster even if the attempt is completely obvious. We are total suckers for that stuff so go boost his ego. Pick out a shirt for him in the morning and tell you like the way he looks in it. Subtle, yet definitely an ego booster.

The KEY here is doing this without expecting anything in return. As soon as you attach strings, he'll spot it a mile away. Get it?

I am trying, Hill. It just gets exhausting sometimes when I feel like I am the only one putting in the effort to improve our marriage and he is just sitting back and reaping the benefits. I wish he would read an MB book, look at the forum, something!

Let me give you an example. About a year ago I tried to get him to fill out the EN form. He first insisted that his top EN, which was basically being allowed to IB with no complaints, was not on the form. From the form he listed affection and conversation at the top. It has taken months of experimenting to figure out that SF, RC, DS, and Admiration are his top needs (still don't know the order, though). At this point, I would guess affection and conversation are actually at the bottom of the list for him. For years, he has insisted that we are a modern couple and modern couples split DS 50/50. In my most recent effort to win back his love, I started doing 90% of the DS (which I don't mind doing, before I just left him half because he insisted on it). In doing this, I realized I am able to make massive LB deposits through DS. He doesn't want to admit that to anyone, not even himself. Why does this have to be so difficult to figure out? I wish I would have known this years ago. I feel like I am an archeologists trying to uncover a secret city equipped only with a spoon.

Because meeting needs doesn't really work well when you Love Bust your husband. I'm not taking your husband's side, nor do I have any interest in that. You admitted that minimizing LBs had some positive effects in your marriage. Ding, ding, ding, lightbulb! Why stop doing that? Because he is being a jerk? Because you don't get what you want out of it and so you give up? Again you are soooooo focused on this idea of equity that you are intentionally holding yourself back from taking care of your side of the street. Believe me it is hard, I struggle every day with this, but I'll tell you, if I don't LB me wife for a day and focus on meeting her top 4 needs just ONE time during the day, by the time I get home she is ready to jump my bones sometimes. It is really that easy. In your case it might take more than a day, because the old love bank is in the negative, but it does work, you just have to be disciplined.

I'm gonna say it one more time with a loudspeaker, STOP MEETING HIS NEEDS JUST SO YOU CAN HAVE YOURS MET! DON'T LB YOUR HUSBAND.

Let me know how that works for you.

Hill,
I appreciate you taking the time to post but I think you are being a little harsh (and your writing is pretty forceful). I have already spent a long time getting rid of DJs and they only creep up once in a while, now. I have also been working my butt of to meet his needs. I am basically in plan A at this point.

But, Dr. Harley would say that it is pretty difficult to get your spouse to be in love with you if they are letting others meet their needs. Also, he has a serious issue with IB that is not likely to be overcome with me doing the dishes more often. Every man in his family has a serious issue with IB, he sees it as perfectly normal and even as an important part of a happy relationship. That is where I am at right now.

You're right I apologize for the shouting. That was wrong of me. If your husband is letting others meet his needs, then don't you think he'd be willing to let you be the one to meet his needs? If he is rejecting your attempts then ask yourself why. If the answer to why has to do with LBs, then maybe we can work on those with you? I know for myself I had no idea I was Djing my wife. I honestly and truly thought I was innocent as far as LBs go. It was mostly her fault and I believed I didn't need to change. If you don't LB your husband and he still prefers to meet his needs elsewhere then once again I'll refer you to the Vets.

Thanks for understanding, Hill.

Yes, I agree that sometimes I don't actually realize I am DJing and I have actually been strongly encouraging my H to tell me when I say something that gets under his skin. He thinks people should "pick their battles" and hold in their complaints unless there is a huge problem so that creates two issues for us. 1) He dislikes hearing my complaints, and, 2) I don't hear his so I don't know when I am doing things that bug him. I think he is getting better at telling me though, because he sees an honest effort to change on my part.

One of the things he would consider a huge LB, I guess, is that I don't want him to engage in IB and I want him to POJA. So, I complain when he doesn't POJA - I try really hard to phrase these complaints thoughtfully, but no matter what I say, he considers it controlling. This is a tough thing for us because it means I will be upsetting him a lot every time I want him to consider me, but if I ignore it, it upsets me a lot and hurts our marriage. I have actually started to ease off of this a bit in an effort to get him to fall back in love with me, in hopes that once he is head over heels, he will be more amenable to the POJA. I have no idea if that is what Dr. H would recommend, though.

I am definitely still working on being the best wife I can be and maybe at some point I will be able to convince him of the value of letting me be the one to meet all of his ENs and to POJA. I haven't given up.

Well I'd say "backing off" is a great move. I get a little preachy with MB and it turns off my wife. I don't blame her honestly. I've had to work on practicing MB principles but yet sounding cool when I do it. If it sounds text book MB, my wife might think I'm getting preachy. So I try to down play it so it doesn't sound like I'm quoting the book.

With his IB, you need to get creative. Be smarter about it. Rather than complain after he displays IB, be proactive, anticipate it and make your offer better. If he has a habit of going out Wed nights for beers with the "crew", get something ready that sounds equally or even more appealing to him. Let him know at noon so that the office "buzz" about happy hour doesn't have a chance to take hold of him. You still might lose these battles, but you'll lose less of them than you did before at least. I know this isn't text book POJA but it is a form of it because you are getting him to agree with your plans for the night BEFORE he has a chance to make any other ones. You know what the say, "The early bird gets the worm?" You are the bird, H is the worm. Don't tell him I said that.

Thanks, Hill, I have definitely been working on getting more creative for the past week or so. I think it is already having a positive impact for us.

I lurked on this site for a long time but I have to say my knowledge increased exponentially once I started posting. So, for all of you lurkers out there, start posting! LOL.

I post to help people like you but I post just as much to help me. The more situations I'm exposed to, the more "answers" I'll have to be ready for in my own marriage. This program is all about changes yourself and I believe a big component of that is being creative and doing things different from before. I asked my wife to have tea with me outside in the backyard while the kids watched a show. I never did that before, literally for the last eight years. It was only 20 minutes, but man it was really nice. Those little things make huge deposits. I'm glad things are working out for you, make sure the negative bumps in the road don't get you too down, ok?

How goes it?

Looks like you had some time today with the Harleys! What did you learn?

Hi All,

Just wanted to send an update. I called into the radio show a while ago and Dr. Harley provided a very valuable piece of advice. He said that for people who rank admiration very high, DJs are an even bigger issue because the are the opposite of admiration. I know I should have logically figured that out for myself, but I didn't and needed to hear that.

It made me start paying more attention. I have learned that when I drop a bad DJ, it follows us for a week or more and he is very sensitive to everything, quick to anger, and looks for ways to hurt me as much as I hurt him. I feel like his treatment of me is not proportionate to what I said, but I think in his mind it is and that is what matters.

When it has been a while since I have dropped a DJ and I have done a good job of meeting his ENs and we spend quality time together, we are in total bliss ... in return he meets my ENs and engages in less IB.

Because I am not sensitive to DJs, I thought my frequency was low enough and c'mon, no one is perfect. But the truth is, it is not currently low enough for him and we are so much better when I don't DJ. It is sort of difficult sometimes to come up with a better way to say what I want to say or ignore the situation, but worth it in the end.

I think another learning point for me through this is that I placed the blame for the issues in our marriage squarely on my H but I am now understanding the very large role I play in this.