*EDITED TO BREAK INTO PARAGRAPHS FOR EASIER READING. WELCOME TO MARRIAGE BUILDERS, THEGOODWIFE.**

Hi everyone. I'm new here and I'm hoping I can get some help. Here is my story. In 2007 my husband met a co worker and they instantly became friends and eventually best friends. I was intorduced to his wife and my kids to his kids. We all became friends and started to spend a lot of time toegther. We were all close to the same age and had the same interests so it seemed like the perfect friendship for everyone.

About 6 months later the OW started to flirt with and "tease" my husband. Our sex life at the time was struggling because of medical reasons on my part and we were spending a lot of time apart because of ours busy schedules.

He was spending a lot of time with his new friend and of course his wife (the OW). All through our marriage we were both totally committed to each other and had a good relationship, we were solid and I felt safe and secure with him. I trusted him 100%. Two months after the flirting started she invited my husband to her house one night after her husband left for his midnight shift. That's when the affair started and it continued for 16 months.

The entire time she went on as my friend, we went shopping together, to the movies, bingo, etc. and my husband continued to work with hers and continued on as his best friend all the while they both knew what they were doing to us. The OW woman became very mean to me and was always insulting me and making rude comments about me and my kids. I would blow this off as it just being "her" and never let it ruin the friendhsip because I didn't want my husband losing his best friend over me being what I thougt, would look like, childish.

This OW is so mean and hateful and evil is how I see her now. I even held her hand and stood by her when he dad died in 2009. I was the only friend who was there for her and the whole time she knew she was ****ing my husband. My husband even allowed me to do nice things for her when he knew she didn't deserve my friendship.

Anyway, my husband ended the affair in 2009. Our friendship with them ended a year later. He was prepared to live with his secret and let it eat at him for the rest of his life before he would tell me and watch it hurt and possibly destroy me. That is what he told me after the truth came out. She decided on April 21 that she wanted me to know that they had the affair. Knowing the evil person she is, she just wanted it out so that it would destroy my life and my marriage.

She has always been jealous and even made the comment to my H that she wanted the life I have. Her husband is weak and would never leave her and their 5 kids so she had nothing to risk by telling the secret.

So, on this day she told her husband and called my husband and demanded that he tell me or else he would. He even told my husband to make my son quit the hockey team (their son plays too and is not as good at the sport) or he would call me and tell me. After learning this I feel her husband knew about the affair all along.

When I came home from work that day my husband called me into our bedroom and told me the truth, as opposed to making our son wuit hockey to keep the secret. I broke down in his arms, then trashed the house. I demanded he tell me everything and I then we told our kids, ages 15 and 21 about the affair. We spent three nights apart and I made the decsion to work on our marriage and try to keep our damily together sp I asked him to come home. He has been doing everything he needs to to make things work, we go to counseling, church and dates. He answers every question I have and I feel he is being honest. My kids want us to work it out and feel he deserves a second chance. He has taken complete responsibility for the A and doesn't blame any of it on me one bit.



Now here is what I need help dealing with.

How can I regain respect for him?

How can I stop asking myself how could he and why would he?

How do I stop seeing him as a bad man who would sleep with his best friends wife?

How can I feel like I am still the most important woman in his life?



I'm sorry my story is so long but I felt it was important to get the whole thing out there so that it would be easier for someone to give me advice.

I am so sorry this has happened to you. Please get the book Surviving and Affair and diligently follow the program in there. Most marriages do not recover from affairs so if you don't take certain steps to recover this, your marriage will be worse than it was PRE-AFFAIR. We can help you transform your marriage, though, if you follow this program.

The best thing that could have happened in this scenario was for you to find out about this affair. Your H was not protecting YOU by not telling you the truth, he was protecting himself and his affair. Just consider this scenario: if your bookkeeper was embezzling money from you, would it be a kindness or act of callous cruelty to NOT tell you? It would be the latter.

Also, does your H still work with this skank?

This is what it will take to recover your marriage:

She and your H destroyed your life by having the affair and lying to you. Telling you the truth about it enables you to protect yourself from them and save your marriage. There was no hope as long as you didn't know.

I am new here too, so I probably won't have much advice. BUT, coulda, shoulda, woulda, why, what if's, these are really unrealistic thinking. I do them myself, but it really doesn't answer too much. If you gain answers, great. If you don't, then you are just dragging yourself down by thinking them. A way I try to think is that my husband deserves respect, at least a the human dignity, respect portion of it. If he is remorseful, and doing the work, and making up for his affair and trying to repair your marriage, then let him. It will take a while for trust to return. Don't look at him as a bad man. He was meeting a need. It doesn't make it right, it is just the realistic view. He was obviously attracted to her. Familiarity breeds attraction is another way to look at it. He had the opportunity to get to know her better than other women and saw something he liked. He has forgotten that you are and should be the most important woman in his life. I recognize that I have not been doing all the right things either. As a result of putting up with a lot of deceiptfulness and emotional and verbal abuse by my husband, I know that I am not who I could/should be. He has lost sight of what you offer him. This will take time. Don't forget that you are worthy. You are deserving of his faithfulness and committment.

When he redeems himself. An adulterer and a liar is a bad man. But he can change to a good man. You will stop seeing him as a bad man when he becomes a GOOD MAN.

They don't work together. He worked with her husband and they don't work together anymore.

Time to EXPOSE the affair. It has to be done. This woman has been threatening to do the very thing, unaware that it will kill whatever fog is really left in their nasty, sordid affair.

Learn about MB plan A/B and now is plan A time along with planning a MASSIVE AND NUCLEAR EXPOSURE and also time to snoop. You need to know when this really ended AND IF IT REALLY DID END.

She sounds too angry for it to have been that long ago. Plus, how dare she ask your wh to pull YOUR child outta hockey. I say BULL PUCK to that! YOU expose this fiend and their affair.

Your wh has done a horrible thing. He needs to show that he is humble, will do whatever he can ever to attempt to work to heal things, and should be bending over backwards to attempt to do this.

That is good. Do you or your H see them ANYWHERE ANYTIME? Because in order to recover from this affair, that has to change. All contact must change for life. If your kids play on a sports team with hers, I most certainly WOULD pull him off. You don't want to ever risk your marriage with a chance meeting. Every time you see or speak to this couple, will put you back to day 1 of recovery. If your H sees the OW again, he will be triggered and a resumption is likely to happen.

Your kids won't be affected if they have to quit a hockey team, but they will be affected if their parents get divorced.

So the first thing that has to happen, goodwife, is that all contact has to end for life. ALL contact. Facebook, email, everything. If you live close by and drive by their house, I would MOVE.

I'm 100% sure the A is over. My H can't even stand to say her name. He says he doesn't know what got into him back then and he is completely remorseful. We have been in counseling at our church and the pastors feel he is remorseful and has repented while having a one on one session with one of them. As far as her being so angry still, thats how she is. She wants what she wants when she wants it or else. I know she finally exposed the affair at this time because my daughter recently became engaged and is getting married next year and she can't stand to see our family happy, plus with hockey season starting soon she and her H wanted to blackmail my H to get him to make our son quit the team because they are so threatened. They are both sick people and now I believe her H knew of the affair the entire time and probably encouraged it.

We haven't had contact with them in over a year, that is until the A was exposed. I cannot punish my son by pulling him off the hockey team and I am not worried about my H seeing the OW as I feel he truly hates her and himself for what they did.

I agree she is a b*tch, but the one good thing she did was make sure the affair was exposed to you. That was your only hope. Your H was lying to you, after all, and as long as he continued to lie to you, he was dangerous to you. Lying about adultery like he did, was cruel and manipulative. Knowing about the affair might hurt but it gives you an opportunity to save your marriage.

It is like getting an overdraft notice from the bank. You might hate getting the letter but you have a chance to fix your overdraft that you wouldn't have if oyu didn't know. So don't get mad at the OW for exposing, get mad at that ho for having an affair and for her INCREDIBLY CRAVEN deceit.

As far as your H's bad feelings for the OW, be assured his good feelings can come back. The bad feelings will fade and the good feelings will be triggered. The sting of the bad will wear off. That is why it is so important to strictly observe no contact. His life should become an OPEN BOOK to make sure this doesn't ever happen again. He should never have friends of the opposite sex again. He can't handle it.

You will be punishing your son by keeping him on the team because it will threaten your marriage and his secure family. If you do not understand how important it is that your H NEVER see the OW again, then you are in big trouble and will not make it.

Your marriage will not recover if they don't end all contact FOR LIFE. Every time he sees her puts him and you back to day 1 of recovery.

Recovery is IMPOSSIBLE unless all contact ends.

I agree about the affair being exposed is a good thing. And my H said he is relieved that it is out now so the OW can't blackmail him anymore and we can work on making our marriage better than ever and make it affair proof. I believe he is truly remorseful and he has proven that by word and deed. As far as him having friends of the opposite sex, that will never happen again. We both have decided to limit our circle of friends and to not allow any new outsiders to come into our lives. I hope it doesn't sound like I am defending my H, I am not doing that at all. It's just that this woman is pure evil and has a way of convincing people to do what she wants. Life at home for my H is not pretty right now and he is no where near being off the hook.

Famous last words. You are not going to make it if you don't rethink this. Your H will stay high on the affair fog as long as he sees her and the affair will likely resume. Only with complete and total no contact can he withdraw.

Even if the affair ended two years ago and he has had no contact with her since?

Oh yes. Absolutely! We have had affairs start back up after 10-20 years. That is why no contact FOR LIFE is so absolutely essential. Keep in mind that your H is not going to tell you if his feelings come back for the OW. He has already proven he has no willpower when it comes to her. He almost lost everything over her. Why volunteer to give her a second chance? That is crazy.

We have had members who took star football players off football teams to avoid an affair partner. There is no sport that is worth risking your marriage over. Their kids turned out just fine and their parent's marriage is intact and happy.

You will also discover that your H has been in a FOG for years that was caused by his affair and his lying all these years. In order for the fog to wear off, he has to observe complete no contact.

here


How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS
p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...

In this radio clip, Dr Harley tells this caller that no contact is STEP ONE. Step one must be done FIRST in order to go to STEP TWO. listen here

Goodwife, my story is a fine example of what happens when you have NC, but fail to dot the i's and cross the t's. In almost every case failure to follow through on the details leads to a false recovery. In EVERY case, it means the risk of a FR. The risk of LOSING YOUR MARRIAGE.

Let's see. Kids' sports team....marriage....kids' sports team....marriage. Hmmmmmm. Which to choose?

Really, it is that simple.

The fact that our FR and subsequent real R happened on a fairly short timeline doesn't matter. Whether it's a month or 3 years, the risk is totally there. Our M didn't stand a chance until NC had some serious bulwarks to keep it in place. Yours doesn't, either.

I hope you take our word for this, and don't have to learn the hard way like I did.

How do you know this, TGW? Is that what she told you? Is that something her H told you? Are you still in contact with her? If so, that needs to end NOW.

If you are simply speculating, STOP IT. Don't get caught up in why she is doing what she is doing. That skank means NOTHING to you and your family now. Don't waste time contemplating the reasons for her actions.

Concentrate on recovery. That's what you have chosen to do. Do It. Mel has started you off nicely.

BTW, welcome to Marriage Builders. This is where you need to be.