Hi all! I am hoping that ya'll will read my story & give me advice, support, validation, All the information I need!!! I am having a hard time working through this. I am seeing a therapist, but this is just so big & so destructive, I have to make decisions.

My story. I dated him for 14 months before we became engaged. Parents very religious. Nice enough. They were not happy at our engagement. I was not a good enough Catholic girl for their son. I was not as educated, not socially what they thought he needed, didn't come from the same financial background,etc. I was in college at night, working three jobs, a personal trainer/fitness instructor. I went to good schools, private high school. My father didn't save for tomorrow very well, that was the big problem. I had a good head on my shoulders. They hounded him for almost 6 months. I did not know this. He is a very even mannered guy, quiet. He seemed a little withdrawn, but said no, nothing is wrong. He always said that we could grow our faith together, that he would help me there. I was wanting that in my life. We agreed on all the big things, almost everything. I found out and broke up with him, telling him that I was not going to mary into a family that did not like me. I needed family. I wasn't going to make him choose. I didn't speak to him for two weeks to give him a chance to think. He finally talked me into getting back together. Told me all the right things. He chose me. Wanted to marry me. Wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He told his parents that if they wanted a future with their grandchildren, they wouldneed to accept me ( I later found out that he never did this.) They ended up calling me (So, he must have said something.) Technically,they were right about many things. The thing is, he and I were making our own decisions, they didn't like not having control over him. Come to find out, they were pretty controlling. Black and white. You don't do this b/c it is a sin, cut people out of their lives if they did something they thought was unforgivable. He grew up not able to be himself, feeling judged, criticised, conditional love. They really loved him. They supported everything he did. He just feared conditional love. I have learned that just fearing that, creates holes inside of you.

Anyway, there were a few red flags, critical of how I spent my money (planning a wedding), didn't support me going back to college when we moved b/c of money. I rationalized I would go back to college when we got the wedding paid off. Got married, moved across country. At one month found porn tapes. He blew it off. I thought, "He must have missed me in these three months we have been apart." Marriage not going well. He is very disconnected, not attentive, not loving. I took on a second job at night b/c he was worried about money. At 8 months he told me, "You are an embarassement to me." I asked him what I did, he said, "Nothing, you are just an embarassment to me." That was crushing. This man just didn't seem to love me. Porn, finding porn, disagreements over porn have plagued our whole marriage - almost 17 years. I was understanding. I always promised to help him and love him through it. He was supposed to stop!!! He didn't.

I am very understanding and forgiving. I have a huge heart, which I know is a gift from God. I lost sight of that for a while, but I know it again now. We now have 3 children, boys. he is not a family man. He has no real role in their lives. He plays his poker, watches his games, plays on his phone, does whatever he wants to do. I get criticism if I ask him to help out or do anything with the kids. As time has gone on, I have become more depressed. He treats me badly. He is very verbally and emotionally abusive. Everything is wrong with what I do, what I say, how I do it, how I say it, how I should have done it, how I should not have done it, how he would have done it, etc.. Besides the "I am an embarassment to him statement, he has told me that, "I am a failure as a mother, that I should just go back to work because I have failed as a mother." "If we weren't married, we wouldn't even be friends." "I am socially unacceptable." "No one likes me." "He doesn't have a relationship with his brother and that is my fault." And so much more. Daily criticism. I have never had any issue with his family. Despite my continued attempts, a relationship with his brother has just never begun. His mother and father seemed to love and accept me for who I was. They told me many times that they love me and appreciate my understanding, forgiving nature. He began gambling six years ago and we are in major debt. He began talking to other women on his cell phone. Hiding his phone, etc. Come to find out a woman that he didn't want me to know he was talking to bought him a cell phone (she is married, lives in a different state.) This was over three years ago. I found a phone, he didn't let me see it and told me that he wanted to talk to whoever he wanted to talk to without me giving him a hard time. I didn't know she bought him that phone. I have found his work phone several times, I thought he ended things with her, then I found another phone she bought him last June. He had had it for a while. I told him that we needed to start over. I was taking blame because I had been closed down. I am not saying that I have been an angel in all of this, but I can tell you that I have been more of a reactionary than anything else. Besides, this is my side of the story. I NEVER turned out of the marriage. I never cheated. I have waited for him to choose me, love me, see what he has done and is doing. Anyway, he told me that he wanted our marriage to work. He wasn't turning to me though. I tried to be patient. Months went by, nothing. He told me that he wasn't attracted to me. He didn't delete "her" from his facebook (he still hasn't) he has passwords on his phone and work phone. He is not showing me any remorse for his actions. He is still living what I call his secret second life. He has not been forthcoming about his relationship with her, he has not admitted to anything. He says that he has never had an affair with her. He says that he has not cheated on me. He says that he has never slept wtih her. He told me that he loves me as the mother of his children, but that he does not see me in the role of wife. He just doesn't want that with me. After a few months, I call the other woman. Ended up talking to her husband and found out that she had been at a work conference that he told me that she would not be attending. It was just them representing their company at this special conference. Her husband also told me that he found a love card that my husband had written to her while they were at that conference, and a few other bits of information. In August, she leaves my husband I love you messages. He continues to maintain that he isn't speaking to her.

I forgave him (there is a lot about his critical, judgemental, holier than thou upbringing that you are just going to have to know that really hurt him and caused holes.) He has yet to ever really show remorse, turn to me, delete her from his FB account, disclose anything, explain anything. He does not want a sexual relationship with me. He still maintains that he did not have sex with her. He will only admit what he knows that I know. I forgave him, clean slate, and he just acted like he wanted things to work, but he did not value my forgiveness. He does not love me anymore. I finally approached his parents about this. If anyone could help, they could. He was spiralling and was hoping they would help. They told me "We told you you should have not gotten married." "Now look at what you have done." "This should have been over with a long time ago." After calling "her" husband, I tried his parents again, they said, "We don't believe his addictions are causing your bad marriage, but that your bad marriage is causing his addictions and that when hs is out of this bad marriage with you, he will get better." He is now drinking a lot. I am sorry this is so long, I just want someone to understand what I am going through and maybe you can give me the information and advice I am so needing to hear. I pray that there is someone who will take the time to read this and give me something I need to deal with this.

Have you considered going to AlAnon?
LINK

I have found out where they are. It is just difficult to make the meetings right now. Baseball games, dinner, etc... Just difficult. Thank you for replying.

Is this post just to much to respond to? There are a lot of views, just your response. I hope others reply.

I'm not sure what you mean by this. Who is "they"?

A few notes:

1. Stop making excuses for your H. From your comments, he is certainly acting like a wayward, and should be treated as a wayward.

2. Stop handing out your forgiveness for acts you know little about. If you treat it cheaply, the recipient will also place little value on it.

3. Is your H an alcoholic? If so, follow Pepperband's recommendations.

4. Read up about "Exposure", "Plan A" and "Plan B" on this site. Those are likely going to be your next steps.

5. Breathe. Tell yourself that, whatever happens, whether or not your H stops his waywardness, your life *will* be better, whether or not your H continues to remain a part of it. A well-executed Plan A and Plan B will achieve this.

Oh, sorry! I was responding to the previous post about Al-Anon meetings. I have found out where the meetings are. oops.

Where do I find Plan A, Plan B and other topics I have seen mentioned. I searched Plan A and got a bunch of threads. Where do I get the official Plan A?

Has he ever been physically rough with you or your boys?

Plan A and B
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

alcohol abuse
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8112_abuse-l.html

unconditional love
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8110_ul.html

I know I'm also new, but search this site for "drinking" as well, and follow directions from the vets. They know their stuff-they've lived it.

IIRC, DrH suggests treatment for addicts and alcoholics before this program can work-for them. It doesn't mean you can't begin applying MB yourself in your life now.

And yes yes yes! to Al-Anon. The longer you put anything in front of that recovery or this one, nothing different will happen. You will continue to do the same things, expecting different results. (I say that as a gal who lurked here for a year before taking action with the MB program and asking for guidance in applying here on the forums.) In other words, dinner can wait until after an Al-Anon meeting, and you can be learning the MB program while hanging out with the kids. Just because his family enables his drinking and you buy into it doesn't mean it's the truth, much like his own wayward excuses aren't truth.

I'll go back to lurking now.

Littlebit3:
The Veterans Here will help you most. My note to you is about the "You are not good enough" part from you Wayward Husband's Family....
Don't buy it. Not for a second. I lived a 12 year marriage to my parent's hand picked choice. I was young and I trusted them and they truly just were trying to do the right thing and not hurt me. That marriage ended in 1992. I am here on this board for different reasons (and some same reasons) now. But let me tell you... I walked away from a wonderful loving young woman I met at a Catholic College because I was told she could not marry UP to me by my parents. It was well intentioned or well meaning but it was wrong and they sadly lived to see the results....
Marriages are about character, change, love and so many other things... And I learned... Being good enough has to do with very few things associated with so called family class or upbringing.... There is every bit as much chance of two so called well bred young people marrying and then facing disasterous lives in marriage as two people of different socio-economic upbringings. Your husband and you did not make a mistake marrying each other. Your husband just did not continue to grow up after marriage and you could not possibly influence that. Don't you DARE to think for one second that your in-laws or your husband are right about you. The truth is in the words of your story. You are the one who is too good for your spouse.
BUT... Follow what you will be taught here by the veterans and you have an excellent chance of teaching your old dog (spouse) new tricks that he will be happy to demonstrate.
I will suggest you read Dr. Harley's comments about why unconditional love is not healthy for a marriage.... It will help you stand up for the respect you deserve.
But I am wordy and I am going to lose my point.
You are more than good enough for your husband. TRUST ME when I write this.
Don't you dare ever think you are not a wonderful woman and wonderful wife. Because you are. And I can see it from cyber space. Good luck to you. There is always hope and here is the place to find the tools that "God helps those who help themselves" with.
Prayers for you today. And Tomorrow. And for a while.

Hurting Turkey,
Me BS 56
She WW 50
Hers 18, 22
Mine 22, 28, 30
Ours DS 11
D-Day 1 - April 26 2009
D-Dapy 2 - October 15 2009
Exposed February 22, 2010
Me: Reforming Verbal Abuser
She: still won't divulge OM # 2 despite overwhelming evidence

Pepperband, no, he had never been phyically abusive or rough.
WW26, thank you for the links!!!!
fullthrottle, thank you for coming out of the shadows!!! He will not admit he has a problem, (many problems.) He would rather revise our history and tell me that, "He didn't love me enought to marry me. He doesn't see what we built our relationship on. He doesn't see what we had in common. He doesn't see what we have to build on or in common now. He also said that he doesn't think he will be losing anything should we divorce.

hurtingturkey!!!!!!!!! Your post really hit me right where I needed it. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I keep wishing that I were stronger, would have stood up to him. I also with that I hadn't of retreated in self-protection. Maybe if I had loved him wholly through this, he wouldn't have felt rejected by me. I did close down. I don't know what else he expected, but I wish I had been able to handle it better. I wish I had been able to see he was hurting or was coming from a place of fear. Is this making sense? I know that wishing is unrealistic thinking, but I wish it nonetheless.

Look into COSA or SA-Anon, for spouses/partners of sex addicts. This is a special breed of addiction that hurts the very core of a marriage, and may likely be the founding addiciton to all the other addictions yoiur H has.

I agree, stop making excuses for him, and stop believing the stories he is telling you...about being a bad mother, not socially acceptable. If you were to really look at the past you would see just the opposite is true.

He says these things to you so it makes it OK in his mind to treat you the way that he does.

Hey Littlebit? When you call AlAnon, see if any of the meetings near you offer a co-op child care. That and MB will change your life, no matter what he does or does not do. I'd love to see your marriage not just survive but become absolutely wonderful. Do both and trust the wisdom here.

Can anyone tell me why I want disclosure so bad? At least some!!! Is there some material on this site about the importance of disclosure?

Littlebit,

So sorry this is happening to you, but repeated MENTAL abuse is just as bad as physical abuse.

You need to decide if you want to raise kids around this type of man, as this may have also caused THEM mental trauma too.

Sometimes the deepest wounds and traumas are not visible to the naked eye.

I am suffering so much. I don't know what to do. The oldest already treats me like his father does. It is sad. I really don't believe in divorce. It seems that he was never committed or able to commit. The way he has changed our history and just nicely tells me that he doesn't see me in the role of wife is just cutting me apart. He is trying not to be verbally abusive, but he doesn't understand that he is emotionally abusive with his games, with his secrecy, withholding his life from me, rejecting me, deceptiveness then finding a way to make it seem like my fault. I am programmed though to know how he thinks. I already know what he would say in a certain situation. He doesn't have to say it. He is trying not to, but he just isn't putting anything else into the relationship or marriage. If ANYONE knew the importance of picking a spouse wisely and to not marry if he didn't love her, it is my husband!!!! ???????????????

Little I am so sorry your going through this.
What I am really struggling with in your thread is the fact that your H has ALWAYS been a wayward weather he is in an A or not.

Most women come here devastated that their loving husbands have turned into an unrecognisable monster during and for a few months after an affair. In your case it appears that your H has neve been a nice guy or a family man and has had moronic parents who make excuses for him and enable his bad behaviour.

Don't tame this the wrong way but you seam to have been mentally abused for so long that you have lost all your self worth and esteem. I picture you being a confident happy young lady going to college and holding down many jobs to now accepting a man who rejects and abuses mentally daily.

Even if he believes that he no longer has romantic feelings for you he should still respect you as the mother of his children but he can't even manage that.

Don't be so quick in apologising and taking responsibility for failures just because he says you have them.

I understand that you don't believe in divorce but IMHO there is nothing stopping you from taking your dear children and removing yourself from this abusive environment. Divorce isn't the only way you can cut him of for your safety and chance to recover from the many years of torment this man has let you endure.
Take the kids and go as far away from him as you can get, work on yourself and on your personal recovery and on getting some much needed self healing (this is also known as plan B but in your case I would do it for you rather than any affair related sons).

Thank you NB28 for your post. It is very validating. I was a pretty confident, happy, positive, well-liked young lady. I KNEW I could do anything I set out to accomplish. My childhood had some issues. Mother had major stroke put in facility when I was 5, so some issues that developed as a result of that. Not many though. I KNEW I was loved, unconditionally. I had expectations of me, but was allowed to be who I was and express myself. I think that my husband may not have had the ability to be who he was or express himself as he needed.

I don't believe I am a failure. I got really down for a while, but now, I have some strength as I have been battling finding myself and praying for a year. It has helped.

He has been wayward our WHOLE marriage!!! Somehow, he has made it all my fault. When we have any discussions as of late, he is always putting it back on me.

His parents, although they have their shortcomings, are actually very good people. Huge errors in the judgement department though. He has been two people to them since he was young. They didn't see this side either. I had to tell them. They don't want to see it, admit anything they could have done wrong, their perfect little son could do these types of things, etc..

He is unrecognizable from the man that I dated and married. He just does not know how to discuss issues. He can't deliver bad news. Didn't want to hurt me, didn't know how to talk to me when I was upset about something. He just acted as if nothing was wrong. I will talk. He just can't. He is calm, sweet, to everyone else. He is calm here. That hurtful stuff was never said in anger. It was said in calm conversations. Makes me feel crazy!!!