I am just speculating, I haven't spoken to her in two years. Even after the A was exposed I didn't speak to her, I did send her an email to give her a piece of my mind and she never responded. Thank you for the warm welcome. It's nice to have someone to talk to who has been there, not that I am happy that anyone else has to go through this.

Are you talking about the same woman that your WH found desirable? Unless you have proof positive that she laced his food and beverages with love potions, you have no room to make this statement. I'm assuming that your WH is an adult who is capable of making his own decisions. You can't entice the unwilling. Don't waste time with this OW and her 'abilities'.

The bottom line is that your WH was involved with her, and the two of you need to put precautions in place to make sure that never happens with another woman. If his boundaries had been firmly in place the affair could never have happened. Don't give that skank more mental space than she deserves.

I've been there, sweetie. I think your marriage stands a great chance of surviving this. When you said he couldn't stand to even say her name I thought "This couple will make it, hands down." Because my DH said the same thing. We're 2+ years out from D-Day, and our M is fantastic. Using the concepts here is what's done it - if I hadn't found MB we would have just limped along in a marriage that had been damaged by an affair. We had no concrete idea about boundaries, being O&H and (hugely important) making UA time our priority. We didn't have the knowledge before MB.

You need to make sure that your M is completely affair-proof. Keep reading here for how to do that.

Not only that, you can make your marriage so fantastic that your WH would never consider looking at another woman again. You can do that by using the tools here. I am so glad you are here!

Thank you for the encouragment, I feel we can make it too as long as I can get past the hurt feelings I am having now. I hope someday I can give someone the same advice that you are giving me and that I can say to them that I made it and so can you.

Have you read any of the articles on this site? I started with this one: Surviving The Worst Thing That's Ever Happened to You

I have but not this one. I will read it now.

Goodwife,

I strongly concur with previous posts about no contact. My H couldn't say OW's name either and felt a huge amount of guilt and remorse for his affair. He went about 16 months without any contact whatsoever and then sent an email to OW telling her how he still loved her. The A was back on over the phone and via email. It was a miserable time. Our recovery started about three months after that, when my husband became an honest man with integrity.

The first step to recovering a marriage is to establish no contact for life and then create transparency. Find a way to do this. Move if that's what you need to do to establish no contact.

AM

GWife, your story very very similar to mine, except mine went on lots longer. I didn't find this site then, wish I had.

I won't give any advice except to follow what the vets say, they have that side tagged.

Just hang on in there, even if it was over a year/2 years ago, you have just found out and boy do I know how that hurts on every level, betrayal by a friend, WH betrayal of a friend, loss of friendship, etc etc (and that horrid sinking feeling that you told her stuff about your marriage that you wouldn't have if you had known.)

He's been so stupid, you feel duped.

Listen to the vets advice hun, and come here to vent and get a listening ear

Hugs

Ditto what Tanam said, TGW. And keep reading here - things will make so much more sense!

All of your opening questions are pretty normal for BS's. I sounds like the real issue here is one of resentment and that's normal to. I does get better good wife (I love the show) but it is sometimes hard to watch. Triggers Nasty little fellows.
Managing memories and focusing on the future are a battle we all have.
It sounds also as he is repentant. Thats best case for you! I also believe he deserves a second chance. So I agree with your kids. A few things that made me feel better.
1) Extraordinary precautions set up by my FWW. Have him write them down and retain a copy in his wallet, on his PDA, PC, glovebox ETC.
2) Compensation to meet EN's.
3) Engaging in a plan of recovery.
4) Open honesty and transparency.
5) Lastly is Time.
Time is the biggest thing if all the other things fall in line. Then its up to us BS's to manage our emotions and to focus on the future and not the past. The whys are simple. Poor boundaries and opportunity. Correct his boundaries and affair proof your M by taking away opportunity.
Lastly it just takes "time". DrH say's 1-2 years and for people with great memories even longer to recover.
Staying here helps me. I realize that focus is needed and these guys and you gals help me do that. It also keeps myself accountable for my own actions. So sound off when you need too and get help from these great peeps here. We have all walked this path B4 u.

Reading "Battlefield of the Mind" by Joyce Meyer. Fantastic, great resource for dealing with triggers.

I love Joyce Meyer! She's got some great stuff, but please try to read the books we've suggested too that teach you how to have a GREAT marriage, especially after there's been adultery. Read Joyce for healing your soul, read Dr. Harley for healing your marriage. (he's a Christian by the way!)

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. My biggest problem is the images of them together since I know how she looks and sounds and acts. I just can't stand the fact that MY H would do this. I always expected way more from him. Another thing that is bothering me is that everyone else around me seems to have "gotten on" with their life except me. I feel like I am living in the past and they all moved on. My H says he isn't moving on and that he just feels like talking about it all the time is stopping us from moving forward. I just wish it wouldn't take so much time to get through this. I feel like I am giving the OW too much time. I need to find a way to forget about her and the A and focus on moving forward and making my marriage better. My daughter is getting married in 13 months and my goal is to be happily married by then. I want to be able to dance with my H at her wedding and feel happy and secure in his arms.

Well worth repeating:

TGW: Just my 2p, I used to feel similar about Ginge

Then I worked out that she is just very selfish and took and did as she wanted with no thought for the consequences. It was also something her BH said to me. If ginge wants it she has it.

As a result her H has left her following my exposure, she is broke and miserable, and my empathy for her...........

zero,

but it took that understanding for me to stop seeing her as powerful and me as weak.

Once I saw her as a selfish, shallow drama queen, it got easier!!

Yes, I guess so. She had me convinced that she was my best friend even though she treated me like crap 90% of the time and I took it and never stood up for myself.

She has made the comment that whatever she wants she gets. And it's true, she set her sights on my H and got him, for awhile anyway, And now she is a getting a trip to Aruba to renew her wedding vows in October, he H told me that the day after the A was exposed. He said now is the perfect time for him to take her there to renew their vows. He is either very dumb or she has a spell on him.

My betting is that he is dumb.

Ginge set her sights on my WH, did similar, was my closest friend till I found out but then carried on, put huge pressure on WH, and I felt similar to you, that she had everything and I lost. Then it came to crunch time and it came out that he never really wanted her like that anyway.

She lost on every level, sadly so did her daughter.

Wait honey for the Karma bus

It may take a while but it comes.

Remember whatever you put out there comes back thrice over.

Don't wish her ill, just wish that all she brought on you, she has back. the bitterness will eat at you unless you find somewhere for it.

Write her a letter, write all the vile nasty things you want to say to her. Take it and any photos or other bits that remind you of her, burn all of it. Take the ashes and release them, with your anger into running water.

After that any time you have dirty water going down the drain, picture her face spinning into the sewers!!

Wow our stories are similar. I already wrote her a long email and sent it to her, detroyed all her pictures and any gifts she ever bought for us, and I had my husband write her a letter, we never sent it to her, I just wanted him to express how he felt about her and the A as if he was going to send it to her. Then I ripped it to shreds like I want to rip her to shreds and threw it away. It felt good! I will do what you said about the dirty water going down the drain, that sounds like it will be good therapy.