Have you and your wife both been checked for STD's? These are the consequences of affairs. It is essential that you do this to protect your health.

Still mulling over the exposing part. It is complicated. I know the wife looks at this site sometimes so I dont want to reveal the exact details. Its complicated. I know that is not helpful but that is what it is.

We have been checked for STDS. All is good.

There were two OM. I know who one is but not the other.

Have you been snooping to see if there are more than two OM?

Stop mulling over the exposing part. If your WW has had two affairs, what is there to stop her from having more?

At least if you expose, other people will know and can hold her accountable. It would be harder to keep a secret life and it would at least get some support on your side.

Exposing would also make it more likely that she would not go back to those OM.

I myself am a WW. But logically exposing seems to be right step in helping your marriage recover.

Even if she has been spending all her free time with you, that does not mean she cannot carry on an affair. I changed nothing with my free time, but I had my affair during my breaks at work (and OM did not even work with me).

WW26

Thanks you for the insight. I have been thinking about it for days. I just started reading surviving an affair so I know that that is part of the plan. Everyone is beating me over the head with the exposure issue and I have not ruled it out, just thinking about it.

Truth is I have been working so hard for the last couple of months and I am now starting to question what I want to do. WW still acting crazy although she has been staying at home as opposed to going out all the time like before.

She is still here and at this point I am questioning why? We have been doing stuff together but there is no affection at all.

Yeah, space so she can cheat on you some more and not have to deal with the repercussions.

Already two OMs. How many more are you going to put up with?

Sorry, man.

Trying,

I hear you. I know eveyone is tyring to help and I appreciate it. I was just hoping for some advice other than that right now. I know what the MB plan calls for. As I said earlier it has been a couple of months already and I am starting to question my reasons for trying to make this work out. I love my wife and want it to work out but I am starting to feel that the marriage is damaged so much that I dont know what is going to be left for us.

I know my role in not meeting her needs before the affair but it was still never that bad. I feel like she has dropped a bomb on me and only slightly cares.

Yes of course thats what it feels like, thats what it felt for all of us hun.

Listen to the vets, they truly know what they are talking about, and although they aren't all soft and squashy and wrap the advice in cotton wool for you, they know what they are on.

If I had found this site 5 years ago, which I didn't, and had taken the advice here, I wouldn't have had 5 miserable years in my marriage, we would be over it by now. Cos I would have understood gaslighting, I would have realised I could have survived the anger,

Listen to the vets.......Expose

Thanks Tanam, I am starting to be swayed.

good........now as someone on here says a lot.....

grow a pair

and a backbone not a wishbone ........as someone else says on here

If it's what you want............

Things are getting worse. I still have not exposed. I can explain on a private thread if anyone cares. I know my wife looks at this site sometimes so I prefer to go private to explain myself. Wife is telling me she was done months ago. Again telling me that our entire marraige was messed up. That is not the way things were for me but I cant speak for her I guess. I am reaching a point where I feel like our conversations together are making things worse. I am trying to look for a MC and see if they can help us.

She is telling me that she does not want to go back to the way things were before. I agree. I want things to be better than before and feel they can be. She is not able to see a future for us though. So we stay in this limbo that I know is hurting us. I really dont know what in the hell to do now. I can pretend things are good for about a week at a time and then it just starts to overwhelm me. She is sad all the time with me but happy when we are not together.

I do not really understand what kind of advice you are looking for if you do not want advice for right now.

Even if you were not meeting all her needs, it was her choice and decision to have an affair. She is 100% responsible for the affairs she has had. The only thing you are responsible for was the state of the marriage.

You cannot move forward if you decide to skip necessary steps. As everyone has told you, exposure and ensuring no contact is number one. Then you and your wife have to come up with EP's to eliminate all conditions that led to an affair. She should be an open book with you. Completely open and honest about absolutely everything and what she is doing.

In addition, if you feel that things are not working or you do not want to make things work, you as a betrayed spouse have every right to walk away and hand her the divorce papers. But you have to make a choice, are you going to put in the work to make it work and take the necessary steps or not? You obviously do not want the marriage you had pre-affair. Look at what it got you. You do not want to deal with more affairs if she does not take necessary precautions nor should you be stuck in a marriage where you are unhappy.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2521719#Post2521719

please read the above link.

Also, consider counseling with Steve Harley. He is worth the money.

WW26

Thanks. I guess I am looking for advice that does not exist.

Sorry I am not trying to criticize or make you feel any worse than you are feeling right now or after discovering your wife has been unfaithful.

If you are looking to recover the marriage, you need to follow all the steps.

But if you want out of the marriage, no one would blame you for doing so either.

Again, you should consider getting the marriage coaching with Steve and get your wife to participate even if you are on the fence. He has dealt with lots of affair cases and can help you decide what your options are. In addition, he can lay out the plan to your wife on how to recover if you are still interested in it.

WW26

I am interested. There is nothing I want more than for us to get this worked out. I love her dearly. It is just that she is giving me no hope. I am the source of all her pain and sadness. The exposure thing is tricky it was OW not OM.

I did not want to say that because she will know if she looks at my post. But now I am deperate and dont want to give up.

Exposure is the same, expose to OW's husband.

She probably will not give you hope initially because she is in a fog.

You are not causing her pain and sadness, she caused it herself.

No husband.

Red,

You won't be able to have a rational discussion with WW until the fog has lifted and she is through withdrawl. This can take 3-6 months.

Expose
Create a romantic home life

Do not expect an apology or true remorse. You need someone else to provide your emotional support during this time; the forum is not enough. You need a friend (or two) in addition to a therapist
because your ENs will NOT be met by a WW during this time.

You sound extremely anxious; you may need to see your doctor for an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medicine to see you through this. Your WW is not going to help you deal with your anger and resentment. That's why you need a support system.

The advice does exist, your getting it. Listen to it.
1) Expose the Affair to ensure it is dead. If it isnt you dont have a chance anyhow. Shes going to be mad! be prepared.
2) Plan A