Onset - when did it start?

Location - um... your heart, or your head.

Duration - how long does it last/happen?

Characteristics - what are you feeling? Hurt, pain, anger?

Aggrevating factors - what makes it worse?

Relieving factors - what makes it better?

Treatment - what do we need to do to relieve this?


OLDCART pain assessment.

Your welcome.

Onset - when did it start? Yesterday morning, before she headed to work.

Location - um... your heart, or your head. Head.

Duration - how long does it last/happen? All day into the evening

Characteristics - what are you feeling? Hurt, pain, anger? Anger and jealousy.

Aggrevating factors - what makes it worse? My imagination.

Relieving factors - what makes it better? Im sometimes able to get passed the visions.

Treatment - what do we need to do to relieve this? Time.


What I need to do is understand how easily my FWW has moved on, she has discontinued her ADs last week and is focused on the future. Doesnt seem to have any lingering feelings except contempt for OM and is doing fine. I just picture him disrobing my wife and Im in a friggin downward jag for a while. I guess it will fade. Time.

She knows the hurt and it will open up A discussion in negative way. So Im choosing to hold it in and eat the poop sandwich I wrote about last week for the betterment of our marriage and our childrens sake. Somedays I hold in it better than others. Im confident I can move on successfully.

dr. hhh,

love your pain assessment!, would be able to fill it out he same as mike most times, i have a question...




How is it that some WS move on so easily, or at least appear to?

In a world where I live by theories, guesses, hopes, clever anecdotes, inspirational words, and other things like these, I like to think my FWW had little use for OM especially in the last number of years of their thing. Yes, its disappointing she decided to stick around be his for whatever her reasons were. But, that she can be free of it in her mind says 2 possible things, this was not a very deep relationship and it was based on non-sensical things AND/OR she was able to separate whatever ENs he provided and whatever physical needs she provided to him. Both, are some of the theories, guesses et al that I use to move my ever moving brain forward and hate her less for what she did. The choice Im making is to think about neither of these theories...just like Mrs Mike has been successful doing.

My thought? Waywards have this crazy idea: they figure since they weren't that emotionally involved in the A, it wasn't that big a deal. Which brings up a very common statement from waywards: "I never thought it would hurt you that much." HUH?

Well, martyrdom is good for some folks - ancient, long-dead heroes to their faith, who end up enshrined in stained-glass windows. I walked two years ago the walk you're taking now. It was a mistake for me.

Practical viewpoint: WW will NEVER again be so attentive to your needs to get everything flushed out.

Humanistic viewpoint: It will eventually prove to be more hurtful to her to bring any issues to the fore after years, than to "pull the bandage off" right now.

Lifetime viewpoint: In my case, two years have passed, and I'm just now realizing that the niggling few details I know that I do not have the full story on are delaying my moving forward. I have (partially) wasted two years.

I would urge you to "err" if necessary on the side of immediacy and your primacy, not expediency and accommodation.

I would think Mike, that the response most looked for is a former wayward is anger, not pity, at themselves.

It will take time for those little "movies" in your mind to lose their power, and hopefully become something you will dismiss as the long gone past, thing is, it is not long gone yet.

But as NG has said, and I agree with, now is the time to both pull up your sleeves and fight for your marriage, identify the fantasys and falsehoods, commit with teeth bared to never be fooled again into complacency about how important and valuable this union is.

With that passion and the direction things seem to be going, I am sure you can make it.

Her not having to take ADs now and seeming to skate along on the outside, well, is it true or just an act? If when questioned she breaks down in fear and crys, its probably an act, not the crying, the skating.

Again bouncing off of NGs theory also, now is the time to push the challange of the marriage relationship and enrich it with all the passion you can. Get her excited with you for the good things to come, and rejoice that ypu have this chance, to fight. Know that whatever conflict that you both endure now as you surround your marriage and protect it with an Iron shield, will pay off as through the years you can maintain what you build now much easier than build it as you go along.

don't forget to celibrate also and have fun. Yes it is a reason to go nuts!!

Yeah MB, it is just like they are in some form of high and not in touch with reality.

"Not a big deal?, are you a big deal? I allways thought you were!" At that point it becomes the choice they made, and thier ability to understand the gravity of it also. If they are moving back to recover or moving away where you have to cut ties, they need to understand it was a big deal to you.

Yeah and it hurts also, like a big deal would.

Well, I showed her the prior posts about needing to know and she asked me what I wanted to know. Without offending you good people, lets just say I wanted to know if she serviced him in his car. I was curious about sexual positions. She again thinks Im way too high in my estimate of number of encounters. Im almost done with the grilling and I feel pretty good. There was not AO, no emotional thing from her, just matter of factness. She again spoke about how incredibly stupid she feels and is humiliated beyonds words. Realizing how much damage she has done is killing her and I shouldnt be fooled by her desire to put this behind her in that she is deeply hurt and scared by my depression and that is worst thing she is dealing with. She said there any question I want she'll answer with all honesty. She understands my need to know and how much she emasculated me and promised me she do all she can to help me regain my manhood. I think Im pretty much done with this line of questioning. Im taking what she saying as truth and I dont believe she is lying. She has nothing to lose by lying at this point as I have committed to our marriage and our future. PS. What I learned tonight was pretty tame and sort of boring acutally. It turns out she really is not the most sexual being on the planet and apparently didnt cut loose with OM as much as my fantasies and falsehoods I was perpetuating in my head. Oh well. On to regaining my manhood and, man, do I have things to help in that respect? She said tonight anything goes. Im lucky to have her back.

She's lucky you will HAVE her back.

Will your WW come here?

side note... or t/j thanks mb. ng and cp.....


good for you mike!

No, she's not much into the writing. But, she does read posts I think she'll gain from. And, she's very grateful for the advice Ive gotten from this thread. Not all of it was in her favor but she understands the process we both have benefitted immensely from. I feel pretty lucky in some respects as I read other guys' threads and the examples from SAA that my FWW needed a way out of her A that she was unable to do on her own. Often, it appears, BS have a lot more issues involving confrontation, investigation, exposure, and winning back the WS. I was lucky to move quickly thru a lot of these issues and avoid others. As Celtic Voyager once said, "I won, she picked me". And, I picked her. Again, I got lucky and so did she. Have a great weekend everyone, barring any unforeseen emotional downtread, I hope be a reader of others threads only.

I asked her to come on here and say something and this is from MrsMike:

On Mother's Day, my husband found out by a sheer luck that I was involved with another man for many years. A man who with his family became very close to my family. It represents the dumbest, most selfish act a person can do their spouse and children. I have little excuse for it other than complacency and stupidity. Michael told me someone on the blog called it ding-dong thinking within a deep fog. This is the best way to describe. Whatever relatioinship I thought I had with the other guy, in hindsight wasnt much in substance. It makes me look I prostituted myself for years for some money and NOT having to go look for a real job with a future. I see that now clearly. I have begged for forgiveness and followed the plan he laid out from the book and from you guys. It has not been easy telling him about certain things but as we got further down the road, I realized the only way to win him back and recreate our life he needed to know what he needed to know, so I told him about the intimate stuff. I tried to be as honest I could be.

I hated the person I was and the other guy became a demanding nuisance in past couple of years but I never removed myself from the situation. I will suffer with the memory of putting my husband in a depression and possibly harming my kids.

As Mike has said, we are new couple and new family and I love us. We are working hard to recover from this and compensating him for what I did is something I will work forever on.

I sincerely thank you for helping him thru is down moments.

MrsMike

Then she should know; she can find help, guidance, and safety here as well.

After a few decent days, mild downswings, but nothing to get bent out of shape over, I got the shakes again. My right arm is twitching like I was 2-3 weeks back. Cant explain it. Trying to hide it from her but she saw it today. Uncontrollable. Im not qualified to say it, but it could be part of the grief, depression, anxiety or combination thereof.

I really thought I was moving on from the hurt, not so fast.

Again, this sucks.

I really thought I was moving on from the hurt....

.....and you are, amigo. But seriously, most people who have counselled numerous folks through cases of infidelity recovery say the full process takes one-to-two years. You had D-Day on 08 May, and six weeks later you want complete accomodation? I LIKE your aggressive stance, MSS, but would ask you buffer that with a BIT more moderation.

The roller-coaster runs on its own schedule.

You might not like every twist, turn, and drop, but trying to get off is HIGHLY discouraged!

Thanks NG. I keep forgetting this mess is a marathon and Im trying to make it a sprint. You end up getting tired out and the battle is still going on. I showed my wife my post, then yours and as much as Im trying to "grow a pair" and be strong in front of her, my depression sometimes overcomes me. She has the patience, but I dont. I want the 1-2 yrs you proscribe to happen now.

Mike your doing GREAT! Look how far you have come in 6 weeks and how it has ALREADY changed. Look only towards the future and try to not dwell. When you see it happening go on a run, grocery store trip...something.
Keep at it!

Stopping in to say "whoo hoo" for you and your wife, Mike! Trust NG and Hills that you have a long haul, but well worth it, right? I am happy for you!