Oh, I think If I could physically have walked to the store I'd be not so dry today. There are days I bless my disability and wonder, is this why I am disabled? It keeps me sober!

Hugs.

Hi NoStress, I don't know if you care to share the nature of your disability. I've known a number of people with various disabilities. If I've garnered info along the way that might help, I certainly would share it with you.

I hope you don't mind if I come back to you on this one. I did find an AA meeting yesterday afternoon. I hope you will understand where I'm coming from on this. I was looking forward to it (maybe odd). I like meeting new people. It helps when it will people with something in common. The only common link with anyone there was we have all abused drinking. It ran thru my mind that all others had been mandated to be there. Each had legal troubles, some that made me want an escort to my car, and I hoped all windows would still be intact.

I'm not judging what they chose or how much they chose. I'd have no grounds. The rest of their stories are nothing I can relate to. Is there a way to find a group that can be more prescreened so I don't feel isolated or even frightened to go?

The last few days have actually been easy. I do realize that doesn't mean temptation will never find me again. I want to be ahead of this game from here. A repeat of yesterday is not in my corner.

Most important, how are you today?

Talk to someone at AA (maybe someone here can help you) about joining a closed meeting. Those have the serious folks. The justice system has, imho, ruined the reputation of AA by forcing offenders to attend against their will (although they gave implicit consent when they offended).

Open AA meetings are a pretty good place to find new drinking buddies. Or score drugs. Not someplace for someone who is serious about recovery.

Thank you CWMI,

Gratefully, drugs never had a chance. Did try the weed many years ago. No appeal. A drinking buddy from an AA. I don't see that happening. When I need to make an appearance somewhere, I can be near anybody! Some collegues have even stated 'you don't drink at all, do you'. I only answered, sure, sometimes.

Honestly, if it helps any that are forced to go, than good for that. It really wouldn't be my wish to keep others from going. There's also the comfort ground for newbies to feel like they are near anyone they can relate to. So the closed meeting, is a great suggestion. Do you know how I can find one?

Look for your local chapter and call them, tell them your uncomfortableness at the one you attended and why you were uncomfortable and ask for their help in finding a group that meets your needs.

1)a group of voluntary participants, not mandated to attend by law. (ETA: many people stay on willingly after their probation is up, so don't say No Lawbreakers...it's a very compelling reason to get into AA, but many meetings are filled with people who need their probation paper signed and after the quota is reached, never go back. Avoid those meetings)
2)a group of women if possible. I don't know how large your area is, you may be stuck with a co-ed group, in which case you need very strong boundaries to not get very friendly with the fellows. No chatting afterwards, no coffee somewhere else with any man from the group. Even in mixed company, not unless your H will join you.
3)a group where a female sponsor is available for you.

That should cover you, and they should be willing to help you find just that. There should be a central phone number for the local chapter.

To add to the above, who knows what drove anyone to the escape to abuse any substance. I don't mean to judge them. It's true, some of them scare me. Just because I kept my issue in legal check doesn't make me less of an abuser, makes them people I can't commune with. One spoke of breaking into other people's cars. I could babysit w/out lifting a thing or touching even the liquor cabinet.

Is it me, or don't we have to have more common ground to find our root weakness and boundaries to break thru them?

You are judging them, and no, you are not better just because you don't steal things. Empathy is all you need; you for them, them for you.

Well, empathy and people who will support you in the direction you want to go.

My 1st thought was I wasn't judging them. Short reflection, you are right. Where did I hear, 'when you judge others you judge yourself'? It's true.

Everytime I'm less than I can be, I'm stealing from my H. Even stealing from our cat the love I could give with a full-functioning perspective.

Giving to others is the best gift to ourselves. Don't mean to get ahead of myself, but get better, have something to offer to help others on that front, and get better still. I like this thought.

In case I've missed, is there a substance abuse forum on this site?

No, substance abuse must be dealt with separately before starting the program.

Have you made that call yet?

I'm sorry, I don't understand. Starting which program? You know I went to an uncomfortable meeting, so we aren't crossing wires there. I respectfully ask what program after abuse is dealt with.

If it helps, I meant dealing with the issue and helping others to do so. I'd like for us to be on the same page for these thoughts while I'm working thru it.

Marriage Builders program.

ETA: my mistake, I should have said 'this program' instead of 'the program'. Sorry for the confusion.

Got it, thanks.

Actually H is as sweet as anyone can be. I'm not sure I even need to put him thru this program. Tho he doesn't complain, I'm more concerned about putting me thru 'systems of improvement'. I know I need it.

I'll not come at him again to improve anything b4 I improve myself. Otherwise, it would seem I blamed him for my shortcomings which would be wrong. Mine are mine, etc. When mine are worked out, then I can kindly address anyone elses who is open to my opinion.

Good plan.

This isn't a program you 'put someone though', though...how much have you read here? It's more about a way to be with each other to protect your bond.

You go get right, fill your H in on what you're doing and get his enthusiastic agreement, okay?

I appreciate what you are saying. I have asked for some 'tweeks' from him and he does try. Anyway I do better for longterm health, he's greatly supportive. I want to 'show' more than 'say' while I get my feet off the ground on improving. I can actually sense that he senses a change in me already. He's loving garbage full of spring water, and so am I.
I am so appreciative of this site and you and NoStress. As hard as it was to type out loud what I did, I'm glad I did. It was just the exact boost to the start I needed. I'm already a better wife. It is just the beginning of how much better I'm going to be. 1 uncomfortable meeting is not going to stop me from going where I have in mind to go. There is so much to be happy about and make others, especiallly my H happy about also. It still stings I can't go along with some normal things others can and be ok. If I can't, I can't.

There are probably things I don't have to worry about that others do. ie, I don't have to check blood-sugar, have no food allergies, etc. Some people have to do those things, I have to keep this thing in check. It's a burden. It still feels like a character flaw, and that hurts. The real flaw would be not to do my part to make the changes I need to though. I intellectually understand that, but don't yet emotionally feel it. I do thrive on setting and achieving goals. Looks like there is plenty for me to thrive on with this journey. So, I'm going to get happy about the challenge. True, I wish this challenge weren't mine. I'm sure plenty of people wish they didn't have this or that to deal with. Nothing makes me any more special than anyone else.

Just seems, other issues are much more dignified than this. No one slurrs because they have to take insulin for instance. Society in general, doesn't blame a diabetic for being a diabetic. Society does look at an over-drinker with discust. It's hard to live with that. It's also time to grow up and do what I need to do to feel dignified.

Thank you so much for your time and concern today.

Hi rtt, sorry I did not get back here earlier, it's been a rough couple days. CWMI has offered some good information and advice. As for AA, Congratulations on going!!! I understand your hesitance on going back to the AA meeting you wrote about, I would be myself, sometimes, yeah, they can have some pretty shaky characters....yet....I'm not sure about finding one with say, high society womenfolk either lol. I think a bit of cross realms of life is a good mix, but one that leaves you feeling safe at the same time. It's amazing the things you can find out about people when everyone is reaching out for the same thing.

Note, "reaching out for". There is a huge difference between reaching out and the Judge saying, "stretch or it will hurt worse". both arms might reach the same distance, they might both reach for the same door to go into an AA meeting, but they won't catch the same prize. Definately call the local chapter and tell them your concerns and get into a better group.

This last post, there are some things you have said in that post that I can relate to. One in particular, I want to address...


One of the hardest things I've had to learn was to not let what others thought of me, control what I do or don't do and my feelings. Sure, some issues might be more dignified than being able to say you are an Alcoholic. But I don't know, toss in Recovering in front, and it gets a bit more dignified wouldn't you say? Saying I've been dry for a year, five years, ten years....ten days for some, is a big thing in itself! All of a sudden, there is dignity in being a Recovering Alcoholic!

Among a few other issues, I have Multiple Sclerosis. I am walking, not well, but I do still walk, complete with wobbles, stumbles and on occassion, falling. Very much like....I was drinking! That is when I started learning not to care what others thought. I have heard parents tell their children, 'look at that drunk woman over there, how embarrassing!' I have heard teenagers laugh and mimic my 'walk' thinking, I guess, that I was too 'drunk' to notice. I've had my own husband and family members tell me, there's nothing wrong with me other than I am too 'lazy' to do anything.

That stuff used to bother me, I used to believe, there was more dignity in being a Recovering Alcoholic than there was in having MS! Then I stopped letting it bother me, and started correcting the worst offenders, especially those telling children I was a drunk. I made sure to let them know, I wasn't, I had a whole different kind of disease. They usually went away feeling a bit different then they did when I started talking to them.

There was something else I was going to say but since I keep dozing off here, darn cat naps, and somewhere near four hours has passed since I started this response, I forget what I was thinking of lol. Good luck!

OH, MY GOD!

I just read this thread through for the first time, including all SEVENTEEN of your obfuscatory, self-justifying, ramblings, and for any other newcomers, let me summarize:

I am a alcoholic, and my addiction to alcohol is damaging my marriage. What should I do about it?

Is that about it? Good, glad we cut through the nonsense.

Now, if your desire to be the person who can be a better wife (note the wording - more below) is stronger than your desire to get drunk, then enroll in a serious program to end - completely - your drinking. If AA doesn't work for you, find another program.

Are you employed? Some firms have addiction-assistance programs for their employees. If your husband is employed, some companies extend those programs to spouses.

Two things you should bear in mind:

1) You're not all that unique in your problem, either the "current you" as a drunk, or the "future you" that can be after you've dried out.

2) The key driver to this process must be you. Do not complicate matters by falsely saying you're doing this for your marriage, or your husband. You must understand you're doing it for you.

You have been such a Godsend NoStress. I'm sorry you've had a rough couple of days. I did 'take my chances' on another meeting and felt a more comfortable mix. I'm not expecting a 'Princess only' meeting lol. I wouldn't be comfortable there either. I didn't call a chapter, but will try that.

I have 2 friends with MS. 1 I'm sorry to say I lost touch with. Last I knew he was symtom-free. The other, has symtoms. She loves animals as I do. There is a Vet clinic a few doors down. She works part-time there helping with non-medical stuff. I know her, she's in it for the animals. She has found it very theriputic.

For all your kindness, I'd sure send you a puppy if you'd like one!

I'm glad you stood up to parents who said things to children I think was very inappropriate. They should never teach a child to judge without knowing the facts. I hope both parent and child learned a lesson in humility when you set the record straight.

Hope you don't mind prayers, 'cause I'm sending you some. You've helped my healing process and I wish to return the favor. Thank you doesn't cover it.

Your post is very attacking and unjustified. I didn't try to justify 1 thing.

Currently, my M is not in jeapordy. I don't want it to become so. I've not blamed anyone but myself for my actions that only I can control. I took the guidance of a caring member that knows what this subject is about.

I'm very gainfully employed and intend to keep that situation in tact also.

I'll agree that we have to do some things for ourselves. Having complete love and adoration for another who is affected by our choices can be a strong motivation to make changes we might not make just for ourselves. If it get us to the right place, what is wrong with that?

Please do not refer to me as a 'drunk' again. I'm all kinds of things that are positive. I have drank too much. I'm concerned about it and taking steps to correct it.

Having complete love and adoration for another who is affected by our choices can be a strong motivation to make changes we might not make just for ourselves. If it get us to the right place, what is wrong with that?

Since you asked......

The issue would be that you are not demonstrating that you are at the point of taking your necessary remediation seriously enough to self-demand success. ("Please do not refer to me as a 'drunk' again"....."I have drank too much." Okay, what politically-correct phrase would you like used to describe you?) Getting back to my point.....and since you're not fully sold on the absolute necessity of succeeding in this process, when you do fail, you'll attach the shame of, and anger at, the failure to an innocent third-party (you and the bottle being the parties of the first and second part), and that will be.......your hubby.

I've seen similar stagings of this tragi-comedy before.

I am following the advice recieved to remedy the situation.

Referring to one as a drunk, especially someone who is working to improve is demeaning and unnecessary.

Since you read all posts, did you miss how many times I have said it is not my H's fault?

If this is comedy to you, than please don't post to me again. I'm serious about my concerns and how I affect the person I love most in this world. It's no joke for me.

If you have nothing constructive as 2 others have had to offer, just back off. We are all SUPPOSED to be here to lift each other to a better place. Your insults achieve nothing. If you come at me again, I'll seek site moderation. I posted to improve, not defend myself from needless attack.