Putting his car on Craigslist IS a reasonable thing that a WIFE would do. Now, listening to him B&%CH and moan about OW, NOPE. So, in the future, trust your instincts.

Plan A is intended to show your WH what you would be willing to do, if marital recovery were to happen. Okay?

You did good.

Another opportunity.

My mom went into the hospital for a hernia. It was supposed to be an in and out the same day thing, but she's still in there. There is concern that she may have had a stroke. I told him a little bit about it on Sunday. He seemed concerned, but not overly. I got an update this morning from my sister that they need her to have an MRI but she refuses. I let him know today. I also talked to my friend. I guess my "taker" was out because I was pretty upset. I've been through his mother dying of cancer, his brother's motorcycle accident, his father having a stroke, and then his father dying. I was there for him. Now it's my turn and I'm alone and my kids are sick so I can't even see her. My friend suggested I ask him if he could watch them. So I texted him. I really wasn't sure what to expect, but I was worried he'd say no. He called me right away. Said he'd meet me to get them after work so I could go. I'm so very thankful. I'm not sure how much I can plan A. I can certainly look good and smell nice, but I'm not sure how much interaction we will actually have other than switching the kids from one car to another. Any ideas?

Nevermind. He said he's not going to be able to get out of work before visiting hours are over.

So as it turns out, he did get off in time. I met him where we normally do pickup for visitation and since I didn't have a lot of opportunities to plan A, I brought stuff to make sandwiches and drink since he was coming straight from work. I got out to get into my trunk and he asked if we could all go together and he'd just wait in the parking lot with the kids. I said sure. So we went.

They were out sitting on the grass when I was finished with my mom and I sat with them a bit. They asked to go to the park, but he looked up the weather and said it might storm so we should head home. While we were in the car I started to cry a little bit, but didn't look at him. He touched my back quickly and then pulled his hand away. After talking a little I started to pull out of the parking lot. I slowed down at a green light not thinking and he offered to drive. I pulled over and we switched. I held it together pretty good, then started to cry. He grabbed my arm, rubbed it a little bit, and held it until we got to where his car was. The kids started saying they wanted to buy me ice cream to make me feel better, so I said I'll buy you ice cream. Looked at him and asked him if he wanted any. He said okay. Then I went searching for my check card and he said he'd get it. So we went in. He didn't sit with me while we ate, but when the kids went to play in the play area we went out there. He waited for me to sit down and then he sat down pretty much right up against me. We sat like that the whole time.

While we were sitting there he was messing with his texts and noticed one from the other OW's (I hate calling her a woman because she's still a child) mom. So he's still in contact with all of them. :o(

When he left he told me I could call him any time. Even in the middle of the night if I needed him. Then after I was home for a bit he texted me and asked me how I was holding up. I said okay. Thanked him for tonight and told him I really appreciated it.

I have to be honest. He's my husband. I do love him. But when he touched me I didn't really feel anything. Looking back on it I do feel excited, but at the time I just didn't really feel anything at all. I wanted to touch him back, but I was just too afraid. Just remembering the night I touched him and him not responding. I just feel so scared.

Oh Hun, I know it's hard. You did want to touch him, because you still love him. You were afraid. Afraid to let him in because he could hurt you again. That's okay, really it is.

Now, remember your PLAN. You did a KICK AZZ job at Plan A. There is still contact, so you know that you are doing the right thing and you will need to move into Plan B at some point. Have you figured out when that is going to be yet? I just don't want you to risk losing too much LB$.

You are a ROCKSTAR. And I bow to you. Seriously. I wish I could have pulled off Plan A as well as you have been. Now, when you enter into Plan B, I want you to dazzle me again and be even better at it than I. You ROCK.

Love bank deposit!
He was fishing for admiration.
YOURS!

DING DING DING

Plan A success.

Good job.

Plan B....yeah.

I haven't thought much of that yet. I just got papers in the mail that I need to go to domestic relations because he ordered a review of the child/spousal support order because he got a new job. He called me yesterday to warn me the paper was in the mail and he wanted to make sure that I knew he wasn't playing any games. When he first started talking to me again, I told him flat out I didn't trust him and I thought he was up to something. Anyway, the date he filed was before the girl left, so it was back when he was being mean. So that date is August 3rd. My lawyer is going to go with me to fight to get the highest amount possible. So I'm not sure where Plan B fits into all this. If I start it before, then he'll see me there. If I start it after, won't it leave a bad taste in his mouth? Deplete some of the deposits I've made? I also have no clue how to write this letter. It doesn't seem like he's actually seeing this girl. They are just "friends" now. I'm certainly not okay with that, but I can't write things like it breaks my heart when I see you with her. So maybe you guys can help me figure out the best time to start plan B is, and what to write.

The only way to recovery is "NO CONTACT WITH AP FOR LIFE".

For your own health, sanity, and growth he has to perform step #1 or you will need to really consider going into Plan B.

He has to know there are serious consequences to his actions. If he sees the OW as a friend that will tear you to shreds the rest of your life and your marriage will suffer horribly.

I completely understand and want that. I just don't know how to write this letter, because it seems to me there isn't an active affair. Maybe I could write something about this "playing family" is ripping me to shreds or something like that. I just don't know.

Also, I forgot to mention, that I'm not really losing any LB as far as I can tell. I might get annoyed here or there, but for the most part, I don't think there's any LB left. He was HORRIBLE these last 5 months. The little petty things are NOTHING compared to what I already went through.

So here is my first effort at a plan B letter. Please look over it and tell me what you think:

Dear WH,
I believe that I have had the �Jonah� moment and have come to the point that I know I do want to make this work. I am broken hearted to see what has happened to us and our marriage. I apologize for my part in creating the environment that made the affair with OW possible. I tried very hard to show that I loved you in ways that really weren�t important to you and wore myself out so that I could not be available in the ways that were. I am committed to putting our marriage back together in a mutually satisfying way.
The last several weeks that we have been together have been bittersweet. It hurts my heart to be with you. I think about you being with OW, and wonder how much you still are involved with her. I simply cannot put myself through this anymore. I also cannot �play family� because it�s not good for me or the children. So until I know for sure that your affair is over and you can commit to no contact for life with her, as well as rebuilding our marriage, I cannot see or talk to you anymore. ? will be there with the kids for drop off/pick up, and if you need to communicate with me for any reason, please do it through ?
I hope that you understand that I am not doing this to hurt you or punish you but to protect my feelings for you and my heart. I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you in this way. If there comes a point where you have decided that this marriage is something that you want and you are willing to take measures to restore it, please let ? know. In the meantime, I will still be doing things to protect the kids and I. Please know that I am not being vengeful, only doing what is in our best interests.
I want you to know that no matter how bad things have gotten, we can get through it with God�s help. I have faith that we can have an even better marriage than what we had before. I want to spend my life with you and grow old together. I love you with all of my heart.
DMH

The "Jonah" moment is in reference to something I told him when he first started speaking kindly to me again. I told him that I would have to be swimming in the middle of the ocean and a big fish have to swallow me up for me to know that God truly wants me to try to make this work. He said he felt the same way.

I don't know who my IM will be. That's why I have question marks.

I still don't know if I should do this before or after the child support hearing. There are good opportunities for plan A during July. One being a camping trip (although I'm supposed to be going with my brother and I'm not sure WS would even go anyway) and another being DD's birthday on the 17th.

I just lined through things that I thought made it less powerful. Others will hopefully chime in.
Since it is a love letter, you want to not have your weaknesses included in it. You want your clarity of love and that you are open to recover the marriage if the affair ends.

He called today while I was mowing the lawn. He told the kids he'd call me tonight. He called back a little while ago and he sounded a little off. He asked me how my mom was doing. I told him and asked him if he was okay. He said he was. That he just got home and wanted to take a shower. Then he got off. After yesterday, I feel rejected. I was going to ask him if he was interested in taking the kids to a nearby lake tonight, but just as he called the baby started to cry, and then he got off so quickly and I never did. Part of me wants to ask him in a text now that all the kids are in bed. Part of me wonders if he's getting ready to go meet her. I guess I just got my hopes up a little too high after yesterday. This plan A stuff is harder than I thought.

(((((dmh)))))

I am sorry to put it this way, but you only Plan A when there is an ACTIVE affair, so all of us who did Plan A(and some who hadn't found MB before DDAY) understand completely. I not only had to guess when my WH saw OW, I KNEW he did, everyday. They work together and sit side by side(at least they did before I went into Plan B). That's one of the MAIN reasons that you can't Plan A for a long time. It kills you emotionally to know that your WH is going to see OW.

You don't have to do something ever night with him, you could do small things. Maybe sending a text for a g'mornin, or a g'night. Do small things, that you would be able to continue if there was recovery. That is also a part of Plan A, showing your WH that you would be WILLING to meet his ENs if there was a reconciliation.

Take care of yourself, take care of your children. Do you have someone IRL who you can confide in(and complain to)? IRL support is also important during Plan A and Plan B.

Remember, you are doing the right thing, and soon enough, Plan A will be over.

Vets, what do you think? Plan B the day after the hearing? Or does she go to Plan B before the hearing?

My thinking is that something could happen at the hearing and this might not be the last one. In that case, you would keep extending Plan A and you would lose all LB left.

Also, I don't know that you could last that long. I know that it is easier to Plan A from afar, emotionally. I am torn which way to advise you to go. Maybe, you could have August 4th as your tentative date, with you being ready in case you need to go to Plan B before then. Thoughts?

I think (and it's only a guess, really) that the wheels of Plan A are getting wobbly.
Plan B will be soon.
Bite marks on your tongue is a good sign that the time for Plan B is nigh.
More anxiety is a sign.
More anger is a sign.
Headaches, etc.
It's all up to you dmh. You're the driver of this thing.

Maybe you'll get a second wind and have the emotional fuel to Plan A longer. But no one here can tell you when that will be.

YOU have the controls.

Well I had an overwhelming urge to just go ahead and call him last night after I got the kids to bed. I was scared to do it as it seemed he was quick to get off the phone earlier, and I was afraid I may get blown off. But on the other hand, he had told me to call whenever, even in the middle of the night. So I thought well he opened the door, and maybe he's wanting me to make a move.
I called and he sounded happy when I said hello. He said he was just making a frozen pizza and getting ready for bed. I asked him if he wanted to go to the lake with the kids and me on Sunday and he said that sounded good. He has the kids this weekend so that means he's giving up his "alone" time with them to do something together. I asked him if he wanted me to pack the kids swimming stuff or if he wanted to drop by the house to get them changed. He said it's up to you, and I said no, you decide. So he said we can just come by the house. I said that's fine. So, he's going to come into the home. It will only be for a short while, so I feel safe (I hope - a lot of me still doesn't trust him). I'm working hard to make it warm and inviting for when he does come here. He hasn't been in the home for at least 3 months. I feel so nervous. But at least I can plan A some more. I think my mind races a lot and jumps to conclusions...but whose wouldn't?
This child support hearing is pretty cut and dry. They will decide that day, there will be no more hearings after that. At issue here is that he got a new job. He lost his last job for fraternization so they based his support off of his job instead of unemployment. They put a clause in there where he has to prove that he tried to find a comparable job, and if he was unable to, they will lower the support amount. My lawyer will probably argue that he was fired from his job so it should still be based on the same amount. Too bad, so sad. That's what she did last time.
With the way he's acting, I wonder if there will even be a plan B. I'm not saying there she's not around, but if she left him and is completely done, where else is he going to go? I need to get my list of things I need to him to do to work on this marriage. I'm so afraid he thinks he's just going to mosey on in here without really being very remorseful at all or at least not enough for me. I also think he's going to have a hard time meeting the requirements I'm going to have.
What am I supposed to say if he just says he wants to try again? Is it okay to tell him how hurt I am? Won't that be love busting?

You know I'm pretty sure this affair happened because I had three kids, homeschooled, I was nursing a baby, I hadn't had a full night's sleep in almost 2 years, he didn't help much around the house so I felt like it was all up to me, and I was just plain old worn out, and then this pretty 21 year old girl gave him attention and he ate it up. I think because there is so much drama dealing with a man getting a divorce, dealing with his kids, not to mention the money has dried up and the fact that he can't pro-create anymore, that there really wasn't any reason for her to stay. She may be still talking to him to get some EN filled until the next guy comes around though and that's what keeps him hanging on. Or...I could be completely wrong.

A mind of a wayward can never be known.

You just have to decide today what you want and how you want your life to live. Clearly something is wrong with him. He is still very wayward today, and there may never be a change in him.

I really think Plan B will be good. I am really focusing on me, and really making myself the best mom. I have to say I didn't believe the vets, and now I am completely convinced.

I cannot believe the strength and change in me. I am really trying hard to become the best person ever.

Tough~

Not love busting to tell him the TRUTH.

Okay, so can we agree that your MAX Plan A should be about Aug 4th or so?

If he wants to reconcile, NUMBER ONE should be NO CONTACT FOR LIFE WITH OW, before you will even consider talking about a next step. If he isn't even going to give her up, he's not someone you want to try to recover with.

Remember, NO EXPECTATIONS during Plan A. Each thing you do should be done only because you are doing it as part of your Plan. I know you see good signs, but I really don't want to get your hopes up. Plan A alone, doesn't result in recovery that often. But a Plan B, without a good Plan A, is less effective. Just look at this time as a pre-cursor to a SUPERB Plan B. I don't want to put you in a sad state, just wanted to keep you real and headed in the right direction.

These good signs you are seeing is a start, but without NC, you are no where.

The number one reason a wayward has an affair is POOR BOUNDARIES. HIS. HERS. Nothing to do with YOU.

Besides, what is different in your life now? Kids are still there, money is still tight.......if those were reasons he had an A, then why would you even think about taking him back? There would always be something else that could be blamed for an A. Not placing blame, directly where it belongs(HIS CHOICES) is going to do you and him, as well as your marriage, a whole lot of damage.