Welcome to the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum
This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Good job on the trip, glad to hear that you are getting away for a little while. Keep it up and those nagging feelings will start to fade.
It seems that he's trying, try not to forget that y'all have this second chance here. See if this trip can replace that "old" one that you referenced. Shoot, you could always just change your anniversary date to coincide with your new marriage.
My husband and had always used the day we met (jan 6th)as our anniversary untill that was one of my d-days this year. I don't think I will ever be able to celebrate that day again.
We are using our real wedding date now which is tomorrow. What sucks is I have the flu. Oh well we can cuddle all day.
Im glad you are going away.....use it as a start to the new life.
Me -BS 40 Him - FWH 34 (dtl) 3 D-Days from 12/25/10 to 01/06/11 NC - 01/09/11 02/20/12 done beating my head on that wall.
the day we met and our anniversary are in the same week practically so this week has been a bit off.
When i get married again, like i said before i am not rushing into anything! that will be the date, righ now i just have the old one, and triggers.
luvsd-oh yeah, i also have the flu, feeling pretty icky but 48hrs have done wonders, it too shall pass. you will feel better tomorrow, i hope you have a very special day tomorrow.
nagging feelings will start to fade, nagging feelings will start to fade, nagging feelings will start to fade. shoot when i click my red shoes it doesnt work....
Me 44- yes ugggh WH 47 together 26 years M 19 serial cheater big time DD1 2.24.11 NC letter sent 3/7/11 NC letter to OW2 april final truths 5/8-- all of them poly confirmed 5/18 working the plan
we are leaving tomorrow and i just, diaherrah of the mouth to him, going on a tibit from mikesm forum,
how do you just be calm like nothing has happened?
well, he said he is just enoying every moment knowing it could end, like dying,,,,
ok- but i dont feel that way... i told him about the constant triggers and everything, he is devastated, but thats my reality, bunnie burner can show up on my door step as could baby momma which i wouldnt doubt she's weak and we still have the connection DSS. the addition built on the home, the trips, the planning, where was he??? whats in the mail, what email could i get, that stupid classmates crap that keeps sending me emails that some 50+ year from her city is searching me ( yes it her). constant triggers
as you may have heard from his chat on the radio, "i love my life, i love my wife". but i am left cleaning it up and really its not my problem, its hard to see him enjoying his new found marrige and life,,, i am being great so i guess its my fault.
anniversary on sunday, my own rant and pity party,
just feels a little like i am giving up who i am? does that make sense?
welcome th 2x4's to smak some sense into me. please
Me 44- yes ugggh WH 47 together 26 years M 19 serial cheater big time DD1 2.24.11 NC letter sent 3/7/11 NC letter to OW2 april final truths 5/8-- all of them poly confirmed 5/18 working the plan
It makes sense to me and, I imagine, most everyone else as well. Nope, it doesn't seem fair that the betrayed has the burden of fixing everything. It sucks, it stinks, it's his fault and I've thought the exact same thing.
But, wouldn't you say that it's a bit of a DJ to assume that your husband is just enjoying life fat dumb and happy without a care in the world? Wouldn't you say that he's probably dealing with his own demons as well?
Or, at least, we assume that he is and his comment about "living for the moment" seems to say that he's still walking on eggshells. Why don't you ask him about it from that point of view..."Hey, this sucks for me, how about you?" You know, a little common ground helps sometimes.
For me, that feeling passes and I hope it does for you as well.
As for triggers, ditch them where possible. Start with the classmates thing, block emails from that sender and send them to the trash. You've already got the ex blocked via email, right? Did you ever change your email? Might be worth doing for a bit of peace of mind.
Hey, you'll get better so try to enjoy this trip, ok!!!
we are leaving tomorrow and i just, diaherrah of the mouth to him, going on a tibit from mikesm forum,
how do you just be calm like nothing has happened?
well, he said he is just enoying every moment knowing it could end, like dying,,,,
ok- but i dont feel that way... i told him about the constant triggers and everything, he is devastated, but thats my reality, bunnie burner can show up on my door step as could baby momma which i wouldnt doubt she's weak and we still have the connection DSS. the addition built on the home, the trips, the planning, where was he??? whats in the mail, what email could i get, that stupid classmates crap that keeps sending me emails that some 50+ year from her city is searching me ( yes it her). constant triggers
as you may have heard from his chat on the radio, "i love my life, i love my wife". but i am left cleaning it up and really its not my problem, its hard to see him enjoying his new found marrige and life,,, i am being great so i guess its my fault.
anniversary on sunday, my own rant and pity party,
just feels a little like i am giving up who i am? does that make sense?
welcome th 2x4's to smak some sense into me. please
This will be common until you move from the severe grief.
I'll be a cad and quote myself;
Quote
Dad, I can't give you timing or anything like that, but I can give you an idea of what to expect.
The hardest part of the fight is now over. The A has ended, and you are moving towards recovery. As Pep would say; it's a direction not a destination. If you are a man of faith, consider it like securing your spot in heaven; the things you have learned must be adhered to for the rest of your life - you will fail sometimes, but then you have to get back on the path.
So, with the hardest part of the journey out of the way, you will now embark on the longest part of the journey.
The first leg is tough. You are now going to be able to begin progressing through the grieving process. You cannot "get over it," go around it, go above it, slink under it. You have to go through it.
If I get some time this weekend, I'll dig up some stuff on grieving so that you can reflect on that and make sense of some of this part of the roller coaster.
The roller coaster of recovery along with the roller coaster of grief is a wild ride.
6 months, a year... however long it takes, eventually you will sort it out and come out of grieving. However, you will still be on the coaster.
Chin up, though! Without the complication of grief, the recovery coaster is a tad more mild. Like a "mad mouse" coaster versus a super-coaster.
The solution is to remain vigilant in your new MB-led lifestyle - keep up UA, KEEP UP RH, keep up PoJA.
At times, you are going to retract, you are going to hit these moments of pain, anger, bitterness... you are going to get indifferent, or want to withdraw.
Fight that.
In those moments, imagine yourself encased in in a protective shell - you are alone in the dark, and you are starving. You can see shafts of light shining through the cracks.
At these times, your FWW, and the way she has tried to pick up the rope and share the load, is going to be your life-saver.
Meeting your needs, EP's, RH on her part is going to be like tossing handfuls of rice at the shell to nourish you. Copious amounts will be lost. However, some grains will slip through the cracks, and that is what you will need to sustain yourself.
DO NOT ALLOW YOURSELF TO WITHDRAW.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
Somewhat of a tj but maybe seeing a WH who has no understanding of EPs will make you feel better about your H who actually seems like he is interested in protecting you??
Check out Chris1972's thread. He screwed me over for a third time (dday on my birthday, thank you, WH!) and only a miracle will save our M now.
hey susieQ please start another thread for you as many people want to know how your coping with this latest betrayal.
BW 36(Me) WS 38 Married: 2000 DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014 PA Duration September 08 - November 08 Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months
Divorced
Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.
If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.
Everybody here is thinking about you SusieQ. You have been an amazing help to so many posters. So sorry to see what is happening with you now. Lean on this community! We are here for you!
i take a t/j for you anyday! susie you have been on my mind all morning, i was just shocked to see your name and then got very angry with Chris, and am having to bite my tounge, the vets are on him, but i do want to slap him, you have been so helpful to me. felt like posting some of the things you wrote to me the first few week, they got me thru this, as has all of the advice here!
hhh- not cad- have been reading that over and over....
i know he has his own demons and he is walking on egshells, he just does it better than i do i guess, at least this week.
susie my thoughts are with you.
Me 44- yes ugggh WH 47 together 26 years M 19 serial cheater big time DD1 2.24.11 NC letter sent 3/7/11 NC letter to OW2 april final truths 5/8-- all of them poly confirmed 5/18 working the plan
he is definately have a hard time beacuse he can fix it, and he broke it. hard for a guy.
seeing me upset is very hard for him, because he knows and admits every time - i did this to you and im sorry.
also seeing me be upset is not the norm since this all happened, i was the fixer...
last time we when away he came back and the full list was presented, so iam hoping that it doesnt repeat itself. It would be like groundhog's day. over and over.
Going to get in a better state of mind by 3pm today, have a drink at the airport(something with an umbrella), that chris thread just upset me so much- there are too many similarities- and it someone that has really helped me alot. oohhh just mad at him now.
Me 44- yes ugggh WH 47 together 26 years M 19 serial cheater big time DD1 2.24.11 NC letter sent 3/7/11 NC letter to OW2 april final truths 5/8-- all of them poly confirmed 5/18 working the plan
Ignore the melancholy, absorb the beauty and hope;
Quote
When you try your best, but you don't succeed When you get what you want, but not what you need When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face When you lose something you can't replace When you love someone, but it goes to waste Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below When you're too in love to let it go But if you never try you'll never know Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down on your face When you lose something you cannot replace Tears stream down on your face And on your face I...
Tears stream down on your face I promise you I will learn from my mistakes Tears stream down on your face And on your face I...
Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
this is one of my favorites!!!!!! from before all of this!
thank you, makes you a bit sad, but gives you the push to move forward.
this is another one, dont know why... ready to vacation like a rockstar, thank you!!! only 2 days but hey is an island and it not attached to NY.
The Cave"
It's empty in the valley of your heart The sun, it rises slowly as you walk Away from all the fears And all the faults you've left behind
The harvest left no food for you to eat You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see But I have seen the same I know the shame in your defeat
But I will hold on hope And I won't let you choke On the noose around your neck
And I'll find strength in pain And I will change my ways I'll know my name as it's called again
Cause I have other things to fill my time You take what is yours and I'll take mine Now let me at the truth Which will refresh my broken mind
So tie me to a post and block my ears I can see widows and orphans through my tears I know my call despite my faults And despite my growing fears
But I will hold on hope And I won't let you choke On the noose around your neck
And I'll find strength in pain And I will change my ways I'll know my name as it's called again
So come out of your cave walking on your hands And see the world hanging upside down You can understand dependence When you know the maker's land
So make your siren's call And sing all you want I will not hear what you have to say
Cause I need freedom now And I need to know how To live my life as it's meant to be
And I will hold on hope And I won't let you choke On the noose around your neck
And I'll find strength in pain And I will change my ways I'll know my name as it's called again
Me 44- yes ugggh WH 47 together 26 years M 19 serial cheater big time DD1 2.24.11 NC letter sent 3/7/11 NC letter to OW2 april final truths 5/8-- all of them poly confirmed 5/18 working the plan
it was good! had a nice time! just finished session with jennifer, so we are back on track.
let me ask a male female thing. we had a conversation one night when we were away where he opened up a bit more about he knows that it could end if i couldnt do this and he was just thankful that he was getting another chance, this was the first time i got this. well that was nice to hear, that he appreciated me, admiration was my highest need.... is it harder for men to say those things? i see alot of ww here that are saying it and few kind men, but is it harder for men to say that or is it just my h problem and how would you suggest i kindly encourage more of that without sounding like i need a pat on the back every day, thats not what i am looking for. does this make sense.
NW-i hope you are doing good, update please!
Me 44- yes ugggh WH 47 together 26 years M 19 serial cheater big time DD1 2.24.11 NC letter sent 3/7/11 NC letter to OW2 april final truths 5/8-- all of them poly confirmed 5/18 working the plan
Re: admiration, I think my wife said something very similar to me once. You know how it is, if it isn't a need of yours, you just kind of forget to do it for others. I bet if you asked, he wouldn't say he didn't admire you, to the contrary actually, and just never thought to tell you. If it were me, I'd appreciate being told what you wanted, what you liked, what you didn't like, etc.
In other words, just tell him what you wrote above about encouragement, etc. Sure, he'll probably overdo it, but that'd be ok, wouldn't it? As long as you have fun with it, you should be fine. Make a joke of it, "Hey, I need a pat on the back RIGHT NOW (ha ha)". Sheesh, it's hard to type what I'm saying.
We're doing ok over here, thanks for asking. W and the kids are at her parents until Thursday so I've got the house to myself. We've been kind of slacking in the UA department, need to bump that up a bit I think. I don't want to get in a lull or get back into the same-old-same-old...know what I mean?
) had a good time!