Once again you're here and ignoring marriage builders concepts while looking for solutions that will just serve your own ends.

We know from marriage builders that meeting your need for sexual fulfillment seperately from your spouse is bad for marriage.

Because it leads to situations like yours.



Next. EVERYTHING about pregnancy and having children is weird. Getting used to having sex after having a child takes a lot of work and yes its weird, just as weird as getting used to doing it through pregnancy. Breastfeeding breasts are very different to non lactating ones. That takes some getting used to for both partners but breastfeeding ideally will continue for 2 years or more. Are you really suggesting you'll just give up sex and expecting your marriage to work while you find satisfaction sitting at your computer?

You show time and again that you are not willing to work on yourself and your preconceived ideas of what you think you are entitled to.

There is so much wrong with this that I wouldn't even know where to start.

Tom, have you actually read any of Dr. Harley's books or any of the material on this web site? Maybe you should start there, because then you would realize that SF is more than a biological need and that meeting it on your own is a bad idea and doesn't actually do anything at all to fulfill yours or your wife's EN's. EN's are needs that are met by our spouses in order to fill our Love Banks and create romantic love. Not to be too blunt, but how does you j!*#ing off in the bathroom meet any of your wife's EN's or help to create intimacy in your marriage?

This was never something about what I am entitled to. This is about dealing with something I am uncomfortable with and do not want to do. I see nothing wrong with taking a break from sex during the pregnancy. We had extra sex leading up to it, to try and get pregnant. I mean, 6 months means we will really only be skipping sex 10-12 times anyway.
*Breastfeeding will not last until the child is 2 years old. I have never understood children who go that long.

I have not read the books, I have read the material here on the site. I understand the believe most here have in regards to taking care of it oneself. Doing so is not about EN's, it is about a simple urge that one gets and has the ability to "take care of." I already do in between times that we have SF together, the amount would probably not change at all. How she is taken care of would need to change. Most likely some way that I will still need to help her out in that department.

Tom, you can't build up sex. That's like saying, "Well you overate for a week so now you only need to eat once every 3 days instead of 3 meals a day."

Tom, SF isn't about simply meeting a biological need. There is no "need" for sex that is purely physical (not for most women at least). SF is all about intimacy and closeness. It is what bonds a couple together. Without it, you basically enter roommate territory.

Now, this may not be your intention, but by refusing to have SF with your wife while she's pregnant, you are sending her the message that you aren't comfortable with HER. A woman's body goes through a lot of changes during pregnancy. Some of those changes are difficult to deal with psychologically. Pregnant women worry if their H's will find them attractive anymore in light of these changes. They worry about no longer being seen as a sexual and attractive partner by their spouses. Your reaction to your wife's pregnancy will only compound these worries and make her even more self conscious about her changing body.

And I breast fed my youngest until she was 2 years 3 months old. There's nothing wrong with that. In fact, it's recommended by La Leche League and most pediatricians. Breast feeding has many long term benefits for both mother and child.

Tom,

Did you tell your wife before attempting pregnancy that there would be no sex once she was pregnant? It sounds like you knew you felt that way, but I'm guessing you didn't talk about it, because it sounds like this is not acceptable to her?

I think you would need to negotiate a solution you can be mutually enthusiastic about.

I'm not her, but I would feel horribly alone emotionally if my husband treated my pregnancy like you are treating hers, like it is "untouchable".

I understand that sex can be an emotional thing, but it can also be just about the physical. For me, it is most often just the physical. I don't believe there is anything wrong with that either.
I understand that there are a lot of changes for my wife will be going through. To me this still comes back to the fact that you all want me to just deal with something I am not comfortable with, and push my feelings aside.
As for the breastfeeding thing; to each his own, but we have already discussed it and our children will not go that long.

And Tom, you're not a woman. For most women, sex is NOT just a physical thing. It's very emotional. When you reject your wife sexually, it isn't just going to impact her physically. It's going to impact her emotionally as well. She's going to feel rejected. She's going to feel as though there's something wrong with her and her body now. And, from reading your posts here, I get the impression that you actually feel that way, so her feelings would be justified.

And aren't you basically asking your wife to just "deal with" something (not having sex for 6 + months) that she's not comfortable with?

We're not asking you to push aside your feelings. We're asking you to examine them, figure out why you're feeling this way, and find a solution to the problem, a solution that will be acceptable to both you and your wife.

No, this was not really something we talked much about before the pregnancy. I don't feel she is untouchable. We still touch, cuddle, and hold each other. I expect to be very close to her during the pregnancy, I expect to touch her stomach all the time while the baby is growing. I want to be close to that experience. People have gone 6 months without sex before, it happens, I don't think it is the end of the world.
After talking to her this morning (she was still a little upset), she is probably going to be okay with SF in some other forms. It seems as if something along those lines will be the compromise.

Tom,

The MB way though is to reach a solution that you are both enthusiastic about. "Compromise" which she is "probably OK" with is not ideal.

Since you are on summer break, have you considered emailing Dr. Harley about possibly being on the radio show?

True, and good idea.

The compromise is something that I think we will both be okay with. I don't see both of us being thrilled/enthusiastic about a decision here. She doesn't want sex to change during this change and I do. So meeting somewhere in the middle will be better than one of the extremes.

This only proves how very little you understand MB concepts.

Maybe you should do some reading and brush up on that.

This discussion of the POJA would be a great place to start:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/mb2.cfm?recno=3&sublink=24

I have read that before and I understand it. I disagree with it, but I understand it.
It comes back to two people wanting two different things. It is like when one person is at point 1 and the other is at point 10 on a line. When a decision is made on what to do one of two things has to happen; one of the people changes their minds and becomes happy/enthusiastic about a different point on that line or one or both people make a sacrifice.
I know sacrifice is "wrong". Yet many people, couples, relationships, and marriages use them. I scratch your back you scratch mine. As long as I get something in return for doing something for you, I don't mind. The negative goes away when the positive comes along. *That was a sidebar*
When it comes to a situation like this, I don't understand how both people can be enthusiastic about whatever choice is made because the two were so far apart in the first place. Again, unless one of them changes their opinion, and I do not see that happening (nor do I think that necessary).
What if both people are satisfied/happy with a comprimise.

You may have read it, but you clearly don't understand it.

And if you don't agree with MB concepts, then why do you continue to come back here seeking solutions to your problems? Do you expect to get advice that follows some plan other than MB here?

Well, at least it isn't just the topic of marriage that you think you know more about than the experts.

I would think that the experts on this, are women who have been through it. I have known many women who don't breastfeed that long. I am not saying I am right on this topic, I think there are different options/choices, some of which don't make as much sense to me, but unless someone goes to the extreme with breastfeeding (some I think go way to old with the kids), then it is personal preference/opinion.

I understand the idea, not how it works no. Thats why I was asking more questions . Like, when people are very far apart on their opinions, how do you actually make it so two people are enthusiastic without changing their opinion on what they really want?
Also, it is possible to enthusiastically agree to "scratch each others back." (happily compromise)
What if both people are very satisfied with the idea?