Red, like you I am new to this. I just found out 60 days ago my wife was having an affair (2 young kids). I feel like her EA is over but not 100%. Anyway, I did a partial exposure (wife's family, his family and our friends). It didn't feel good and sometimes I still regret it. But, if you want this to work you have to get her head out of his butt.

I'm telling you this because we are similar in the sense that I didn't want to either but I did (no work exposure yet but that is next step). Your wife is going to be VERY upset with you and will say very hurtful things (mine did). Just remember you are trying to save your marriage even if she doesn't understand it yet. It sucks I know, a very hard decision.

Free

Yes, I am trying to avoid the long talks we have been having because it only seems to set us back. Plus the things she is saying to me are emptying my LvTank. Some things are helpful and some are just downright hurtful and cruel. I am totally aware of the things that I did to make this happen but she seems to only want to be responsible for a small part. Whatever. Point is that I am finding it hard to be consistant and make a safe happy place for here at home. I do good for a few days maybe a week and then I feel like it is not going anywhere. I really need to be stronger so this does not happen. I do feel there is chance if I dont keep messing things up.

I dont have a good support friend or group. I have been talking to my therapist (first time I have seen a therapist in my life) but once a week is not enough. I dont want to tell my family too much because I dont want them to build up any resentment towards my wife if things work out.

EXTREMELY ANXIOUS is an understatement. No good sleep in at least a couple of weeks. Lost about 1/3 of my weight. I have been trying ADs and they seem to take the edge off. Just started a week ago and I think it takes a little time to work.

I need to keep my eye on the goal and try to be consistent in providing a good home life for the PLAN A. I am really having trouble doing this. It seems like pretending but I guess that is what it is all about.

I keep thinking I just need to be patient but it seems to be harder then I thought.

Hills and BXB

Yes, I know the plan calls for it but it is that it was a OW situation not OM. I feel if I expose that its over.

RS, the problem is that there is no marriage here to save unless there is a plan. If she won't commit to a PLAN of recovery, this is hopeless. As it is now, it seems she is just keeping you around for kicks while she keeps her options open. I can see how well that is affecting your mental health. Basically you have placed yourself at the mercy of a selfish, entitled, wayward wife and I am not sure why that is attractive to you?

My suggestion would be to take back control of your life and stop volunteering to be abused by a wayward wife. It is unattractive and will not endear her one bit. By tolerating her abuse, you are enabling abusive behavior. Bad for your marriage.

Set her down and explain to her that you want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and that you are not willing to settle for less and won�t stay in a loveless marriage. Tell her you are willing to give her an opportunity to earn your forgiveness. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take to keep you interested:

1. no more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle

2. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc

3. no more opposite sex friendships

4. complete honesty about her affair<s> � passing a polygraph

5. commit to a program of recovery that restores the romantic love in your marriage

Tell her "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage." Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on her willingness and ability to make radical changes. Her lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. She is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe. She must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now she has failed. Unless she makes a 180 degree turn in her approach to what it means to be a wife, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking this approach, because if she won't do these things, you will have lost nothing except a loveless, abusive marriage.

What difference dies it make if it's a OW or OM? Am I missing something? Someone is still standing between you and your wife.

I'm certainly not an expert on this subject. I'm doing a "trickle" exposure and I know that is wrong. Like you I felt like exposure would end my marriage but that is a chance I had to take. Since exposure my wife hired an attorney and retained her. I'm waiting for divorce papers as we speak. But, as a man, husband and father, I could not stand knowing someone was with my spouse.

Just put you faith in God because he has a plan for you even if it doesn't seem like it right now.

p.s. the time for Plan A is over. Not that Plan A EVER meant peace at all costs, it does not. And her affairs should be exposed wide and far. Covering up her affairs like you have has KEPT her fogged out.

BX is absolutely correct, it makes no difference whether it is an OW or an OM. Affairs are affairs and we treat them the same around here.


Just wanted to add that exposure has been the greatest tool at saving marriages in my 10 years here. Most of us here in recovered marriages attribute it to exposure.

BXB,

Thanks. Wow she called in the laywer after the exposure. That is tough. I will say a prayer for you.

I doesnt matter except that she would be devistated if her family found out she had been with a W.

Mel

Can you explain further why plan A is over?

Also, I am absolutely sure the affair has been over for 2 months now.

I feel she is in the post A fog. She tells me she wants it to work out but doesnt know what our new marriage will be. She doesnt want it to go back to where we were and either do I.She says she doesnt know how she can be intimate with me again. She is not feeling it. I told her it will take time. She says that is the reason she is still here but she does not know how she will ever get those feelings back for me.

Yes, Plan A is only for when there is an active affair.

But that time will never come if there is no plan. That is my point. This is not magic. If you want to fall in love again, there has to be a PLAN. There is no plan here. That has to change if you want her to develop feelings for you.

I know how she can get those feelings back for you. You should show her a PLAN that will make that happen.

Mel,

disregard my question. I read your other post and understand. That is something I can do. I will plan to do it this weekend.
You are right. I dont know what in the hell happned to me. I an not myself now.

You are also right that I dont know why I would want to be with someone like her right now. I feel like this is really affecting me in a bad way. Health is not so good right now.

Thank you

E-X-P-O-S-E.

Do it.

Now.

Today.

Waste. No. More. Time.

Mel

I am going with your plan. Thanks again.

Red, it is tough. My wife is being selfish and not thinking about anyone else but her. But I exposed with conviction and I knew what the consequences are/were before doing it. The people on this board know what they are talking about. They told me exactly what she would say and possibly do.

I'm not giving up on my marriage but there are people who are stubborn and strongwilled like my wife. I just hope that she sees the error of her ways if she really goes through with it.

This is your issue and you have to do what YOU think is right. Just know that the people on here have your best interest at heart.

I understand completely, my friend. You will feel like a new man if you take back control of your life. And she either gets on board or she doesn't.

Red, do you have the book Surviving an Affair?

Melody, can you link or share a detailed plan to get the love back? I know each situation is different but I think we'd (I) would like to see it. There is a lot of information on here in different places so I didn't know if a comprehensive post explained it or not.