My mom is certifiably nuts and there's no way I could live with her, nor could any of my siblings, it'd be the end of our own sanity.

When the time comes, look into an assisted living facility. If she (by then) owns any property, they will want her to sign it over to them if she doesn't have money to pay their fees, but if she has nothing, they should still take her for whatever assistance she can get from the government. We are required to honor our parents and the Bible doesn't specify if they've earned it or deserve it, but we aren't required to live with them if it's damaging to our own mental health or our marriage.

Not that I have any idea what this has to do with the original question of this thread (which seems to have been settled so I guess the TJ is okay), but there has always been this assumption (on my mother's part) that she would live with us after my grandmother passed away. I don't know quite how this happened, other than the fact that besides my grandmother, I'm really the only family my mother has (that will still speak to her at least).

I know I have other choices. I think I'm just afraid of my mother. A lot of people are. Her wrath is quite a scary thing, so over a lifetime, I've learned not to cross her. It isn't healthy, I know that. It's just a very difficult mindset to even think about breaking out of.

My H seems to think it'll be fine if she comes to live with us. He somehow thinks that we'll be able to deal with her negativity and verbal abuse and general nastiness. He thinks if we talk to her about what she does and make her understand the affect that her words and actions have on other people, that she'll have a desire to change. It is possible. I do believe people can change. But it's hard for me to believe that she will. I've known her for 40 years and she's always been this way. It's difficult to think about someone breaking out of that mold after so long, and I think it would have to come from within her, and right now, it isn't.

The thing is, I do love my mother in spite of her faults. And I hate hurting people (and letting her know that I don't want her to live with us would hurt her).

Ultimately, I realize that my marriage (and my sanity) come first, and if having her live with us would jeopardize either of those things then I know we would have to find alternative arrangements for her.

Good to know. Although I think the fact that just thinking about her coming to live with you creates a knot in your stomach is a good indication your sanity will be jeapordized.

Yeah, that's probably true.

Easy, honor your vows. Marriage is not about what you get, but what you give. You get an opportunity to prove that your words really have meaning if you honor your vows and give even when you are not receiving in return.

In my opinion, and I reserve the right to be wrong, but that's the problem today. Too many people looking to get, and not enough looking to give.

Why would anyone entertain the notion of a romantic relationship with someone so willing to betray the HELPLESS person they vowed to love and cherish forever?

I sure wouldn't consider such a person qualified to be my romantic partner.

Cypress has left the building.... and has taken up residence ??????
Where?

Hopefully she followed through with this and is indeed staying far away from this man.

Cypress has not left the building. I'm just a bit mortified.

My original post was written in a moment of insanity. I'm still pulling the splinters out of my head. I'm ready for more 2x4s.

I will not ever have a relationship with this guy.

I am willing to answer any questions about my moment of foggyness.


Cypress/

Welcome back Cypress!!!!!!

Don't stress over it. You've edited your posts, but if I recall correctly you said that you had a parent who chose to pursue an extra-marital affair because of a long-term illness.

It seemed normal to you. Now that you've asked the question and thought it through, you realize it was wrong. It's hard to accept that your parent made a serious mistake. It's hard to change a mindset that you've held for a long time.

((Cypress))

Welcome back. I agree with Kirby. And I understand where you are coming from. I came from the same kind of background after all. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{Cypress}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

If you read this and wonder where 'the rest of my story is' follow THIS LINK .

On that note, here are my comments on several responses to the thread linked at the beginning on disabled spouses and adultery. This thread had nothing to do with me, but it sure hit some nerves as you can tell I'm sure!

All the colors and highlighting is mine!


The kind I married. Thank you ML.


The 'I do'?


Thank you.


This one made me cry. And keeps me fighting for my daughter. I want to hear him defend himself against the paper trail of proof I have.


That helps me as well, more than you know.


Reading that letter when I saw it helped me a lot, it makes so much sense. I kept this part of the quote because it hits me the hardest. I'm not in a wheelchair, there was not a single need of his that I did not, could not, or would not, have filled if given the chance, especially in the early years of our marriage.



My ex in laws are like that, married somewhere around 64 years I think, still in love, and mom has been physically unhealthy for a long time, dad is still standing by her and I have no doubt when one goes, the other will soon follow. They remind me a lot of the movie �The Notebook�.

I've thought about this as it compares to my marriage as well. Then I realized, he was cheating long before I got sick, why would I expect it to stop when I did get sick. Has to be lack of principles, glad he never tried to say he had any.


Another thank you.


They don't, can't, or won't, not sure, but it's why I am fighting to get my daughter back now. My stbxwh lives with his mother and apparently from what I hear now, one of his slimeball POSOW CA/EA bimbos. I will fight tooth and nail to get her away from that atmosphere. Even though it's looking like I might just be living in a car while I pay the lawyer...right after I get a car that is...ugh.


This made a big impact with me. My stbwxh's parents view adultery in the marriage as acceptable apparently as they both had multiple affairs. Not even sure why they bothered to get divorced, but they did.

When I confronted my POS stbxwh on the first CA/EA, SHE backed up everything he said including telling me I was crazy to think it was like a real affair, I'd never experienced a real affair if I could possibly think this was even close!

Really? I witnessed with my own two eyes my XH screwing my best friend on the floor not five feet away from me.

This first CA/EA?

HURT FAR WORSE

Why? He KNEW about the affairs my XH had and the effects it had on me AND still did it, using the excuse it wasn't 'physical sex'. Which he is now spewing his toxic to my daughter!


This is so very true. But one can only beat themselves into a brick wall for so long. It's still no excuse to break the 'forsake all others' vow until you break the 'till death do us part'. In the context of this thread however, any vow you break is the cruelest thing you could ever do.


I'm glad you came to your senses! This betrayed disabled wife appreciates it more than you know! Thank you!

email me at ohmelodylane@aol.com and I will email you the MP3. I am still reading....

Thanks for this post also, I like to believe that this is how I responded to what I best can describe as my wifes mental and emotional breakdown, fall into drugs, and following cancer till death. The infidelity which of course was another form of mental illness, well, now there is what tripped me up for so long. Was her entitlement and superiority, laziness and lieing, sneakiness and manipulation, seflishness and extreme attention seeking behavior, another form of sickness?

My wife made her own bed by her choices, and it led to sickness and death, so it was not as if she did not every chance to avoid what would lead to her eventual sickness and death. When she was first pregnant by our DD, she found out she had cervical cancer, and her reaction was to need to drink. Now for that reason, she was sure she was going to die, she had gotten pregnant outside of wedlock, her nerves couldn't take it.

She didnt seem to be too concerned for the life inside her, or the fact that because of her genetics, drinking was the worse thing she could do to herself, and would probably promote the cancer.

Later on the world has learned, clamidia which is carried by men from women to women they sleep with, is one of the common causes of cervical cancer. So it would be safe to say, in the few years prior to meeting her, because she was drinking and avoiding the doctors or taking care of herself physically in any way, being a party girl, and getting drunk and wasted with guys at bars, this is how she developed cervical cancer.

So where did the sickness come for in this case? Did it start inwardly and develop into physical sickness? It was still sickness, and what was important was I did and how I reacted, in the face of it, as it is for anyone who is with someone who is ill.

I had all the excuses anyone could have had to let her crash and burn all her life, but I chose to deal with the painful stuff she dealt out at times, and see who she could be. I beleive because I did not desert her when she found out she had cancer, even though we were not married yet, even though there were times she would dissapear to the local bar and flirt with guys, she survived the cancer because I stuck around, got her to the doctors, and made sure she took care of herself even though she had major issues.

Because of that and of leaving when she was cured of cancer but would not stop drinking, she was able to get herself under control enough to spend the younger years of my childrens life, being a great mom. The needs I missed, well the need to do the RIGHT thing, the proper thing, for a sick individual, outweighed the selfish immediate needs of the time.


So if this guy has a sick wife, and he wants his Mommy, ask him to see God, who extends mercy as the mothers heart, because its understandable he is hurting, but there is a time to be strong for others and honor what is right. He should be still be searching for ways to fill the needs of his wife, especcially in her sickness, when she really needs him.

thanks ML, sent email!

got it! thanks!

Well actually I was trying to respond to what you'd written and considered it on topic, but I'll bow out...certainly didn't mean to TJ! (BTW, the "original question in the thread" is deleted so I have no way of knowing what that was!