Hello All,

I have to admit, it brings me to tears to post my first post here. Like so many of you out there, my dear, dear, husband who so adored me for years, without warning pulled the rug out from beneath our beautiful family. He thought so poorly of others with this behavior, only to do it ten fold to us. Our divorce will be final in a couple of months. We had a long standing marriage that was way more good than bad, and really great, great children that I cannot believe we are passing this legacy onto. I am heartbroken.

Immediately after his sudden departure (3 months after saying he wanted to go to MC) it IS revealed that he has a GF. She is the secretary. He moves in with her. The story is all the same as the many I have read here over the last couple of days. But they seem to be forging ahead, despite my efforts over a year ago to reveal to all of our friends, community, co-workers, and his parents (who didn't believe it). Of course he is spreading the typical, "I was unhappy for so many years." He is VERY convincing and his family seems to have bought it.

They are going on 18 months of a relationship have lived together for a year now. She has two children from two different relationships, and is living with a married man, my husband.

I know that he is gone, as painful and disbelieving as it is. But I am looking for hope, that he will wake up and at least realize what he has done. He is taking us down the path of financial ruin. But I suppose that I am out of luck.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom for me?

Hi BetterDaysAhead

Sorry that you find yourself here at MB's--> the club no one wants to be a memeber of.

Weekends especially in the summer at night can get quite slow with responses. Please be patient. There is a lot of collective wisdom here from posters who have way more experience than I.

Have you read the Basic Concepts (up on the red banner at the center) or other article here? Could you take some time to study?

I will bump a thread for newly betrayed spouses by Scotland. It is excellant to help get you started.

You may see your situation as hopless but from what you wrote your WH sounds very typical concerning the A.

What direction do you ant to go concerning the M. It sounds like WH filed for D is that right.

Again Welcome and please study all you can and bring questions back here.

nESRE

Welcome to Marriage Builders, Better Days. I am so sorry you needed to find your way to us, but you've come to a good place.

How long have you been married to this hound dog? How many children do you have?

Has this nasty affair been exposed to their employer?

Thanks Marital

You're welcome, nesre. Someone's always up.

Thank you Nesre and Marital,

To answer some of your questions, we were married 19 years. We had a good marriage, but as with all marriages, there were (what I thought) small cracks. But coming from the strong, solid examples of marriage surrounding us, I would have never thought of jumping ship. Problems were to be worked out, in my eyes, not run from.

To answer about exposing to the employer - he is the owner of his own small company. Small. Five employees. She is one of them. So needless to say, in this economy, in fear of keeping their jobs, the other three disapprove, but look the other way. They watch though, as it does have effects on the business.

We did try marriage counseling (at HIS request) to which we went for a very short time. It was just a way for him to say, "We tried, but it just didn't work out." Which of course is incorrect. With a third party in the picture (unknown to me, of course), there was no work to be done on the marriage from his point. Meanwhile, I attended LOT of counseling on my own, tried to get him to go to a marriage retreat, he was tentative, then finally shot me down. Tried an online course - so we didn't have to go anywhere, bought the $$$ program, ended up completing it alone. HOURS invested. He participated for about 10 minutes. The bottom line is, he was DONE. Truly, done. And so quickly. I was left without a job. I was left with $42 in the bank. I told him he would financially ruin us on every level. He promised he wouldn't. Well, guess what.... bankruptcy, food bank, car repossession, home foreclosure has all come to me within the last year. We are (were) people who lived a very comfortable life. Suburban, 4 bedroom colonial in a nice community.

He filed for divorce immediately upon leaving. After previously promising me that we were headed to a MC, not a divorce lawyer.

And now - he lives in her rental in a not so nice neighborhood...with his OW, who is also still married, and has 2 children from two different relationships. She is our age - 45. He has been there a year. And sat in our last court date, telling the court that, yes, this relationship IS moving forward. She has had to participate with the GAL, etc., and she HAS!!!!! ??????????? What kind of person does this???? It has been 18 months (I think) that they have been together. Our divorce will be final in a couple of months. The kids DO NOT want to move in there when they visit with him. When is this A going to crash and burn? I think they are both so stubborn that they will be the 5% that is headed towards marriage........help!

Oh - and I would like to let you know that he is VERY angry with me, literally you can see it seeping out of him - AND - (of course) it is all my fault. ?????

But wait.... I am the BS.......

????

Have you read the concepts here?
Have you done plan a?
Have you exposed far and wide?
Have you shown a willingness to meet his emotional needs?

You might be long overdue for plan b.

Where do you and the kids live?

Good Morning,

I strongly suggest Plan B also. Your WH has many of the same patterns of my WH.

Very Angry
Absolutely wants divorce
Won't do NC

All this says is they are very prideful and stubborn men that do not want their wives telling them what they can and cannot do.

In almost all cases anger doesn't last. If he is that angry at you, I am 100% certain it is seeping at her. Who knows what is happening behind closed doors at their house. I can tell you it is not all happy and roses.

This is a situation you will have to have consistency and patience. You will likely be divorced.

The next course of action will be up to you. I encourage you to go into a very dark Plan B. The man will not see you, hear from, having any information on you ever.

This affair will die, and 97% (I think that is Dr. H stat) your WH will want to reconcile (even though there is a divorce). Plan B will give you two options.

1) Keep your love for you WH and wait out the death of this affair. Meanwhile you recover your health, happiness, and life.

2) Move on with your life also recovering your health, happiness, and life.

If he has this extreme anger it cannot last long. It will destroy him until he learns to let it go. He cannot do that until he is willing to look at you and realize you are not his issue.

His deep anger is a sign that something is messed up in him. We do not know what that is, but it cannot last.

In time this affair will die. You will have become a strong, happy, and amazing woman, and if you want to reconcile at that time you will have that option.

Don't do anything today for him. Make your recovery about you. You have to move on with your life for your happiness.



Tough~

Thanks, Lexxxy and Tough,

I can't find the acronym for NC or POS? I have never posted to any site before so I am stumbling through the best I can....

Yes, with him moved out for 18 mos. now, I seem to be beyond plan A. They are planning their future life together....well, at least HE is. Her track record is not so steady.... that is really my only hope of the situation here.

Plan B - funny - I just unfriended and blocked them on Facebook this past week. So I guess I am a step in the right direction. I have been considering not answering the door anymore when he comes for the children. When I did, 95% of the time I was pleasant, cool, calm collected. He - couldn't discuss ANY topics with me - would instead be walking away - I literally would have 17 seconds to ask about any kid's scheduling/events/coordinating. He CAN'T talk to me!!! What the heck!!! Hmmm - is this the guilt showing through here? Or the anger because he lives in a POS (OHHHHHHh - Piece of $hit) house now while I have been enjoying our beautiful home. That I will soon loose because he only pays what is garnished - and shows a VERY LOW salary.

So let's admit - the other 5% I was NOT so calm and collected. My therapist assures me I am human. But seriously - leaving me so unexpectedly - and WITHOUT A JOB because I was a SAHM, getting my car repossessed, now paying me SO little...yes, hard not to be upset at times.

Ohhhhh - I did execute a FABULOUS plan A (without knowing it) at a recent event for the children. We knew no one else there, and walked around almost like a normal family. I couldn't help to wonder if he had flashbacks to our former, intact family. And I think it was a kick in the pants for him to see the children so connected with me (the monster). When it came time to leave, he couldn't get out of there fast enough. I can't help to think that was a hard day for him. I was easy, breezy, relaxed and carefree. I know our children had a better time because of it.

I truly do have no where to go but up. I just would have never chosen to do it without my family intact....

I like your statement Tough, I can sleep at night with my clean conscious, too and know that I worked hard to keep my family intact, too.

~BetterDaysAhead

BDA

Did you or have your read the Basic Concepts?

Basic Concepts

Did you see the Thread For newly Betrayed Posters by Scotland I bumped for you? The thread really helps to give you a jumpstart here on your MB's journey

Do you have the book Surviving An Affair? or any other Dr H books?

nESRE

BDA

Acronyms

nESRE

Hi nESRE,

I am new to Marriage Builders, and have quickly read through the Basic Concepts. My mind is swimming a bit from absorbing it all in one fell swoop, so I do need to go back and study. I read a post for Newly Betrayed Posters. I am unsure if it was by Scotland. I am new to navigating around the site. Haven't figured out where to find bumped threads. Thank you for your patience - I have only been here a few days.

Over the last 20 months - books I have read. Oh the books I have read.... Here is a fairly complete list of my reading in not any particular order:

Falling Apart in One Piece by Stacy Morrison
Uncoupling - Turning Points in Intimate Relationships by Diane Vaughan
Runaway Husbands by Vicki Stark
The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson
Transcending Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder by Dennis Ortman
Marriage Fitness by Mort Fertel
Desperate Marriages by Gary Chapman
The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce by Judith Wallerstein
Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum
Deal Breakers by Dr. Bethany Marshall - skimmed
The Good Marriage by Judith Wallerstein - yet to read
When Good People Have Affairs by Mira Kirshenbaum
Parents Who Cheat by Ana Nogales
Black Swan - 12 lessons in Abandonment by Susan Anderson
My Husbands Affair by Anne Bercht
Taming the Tiger by Thatch S. Hahn (sp?)
When He Leaves by Noelle Quinn and Kari West
Between Two Worlds the Inner Lives of Children of Divorce by Elizabeth Marquart
Everything Happens for a Reason
Ten Things to Do When Your Life Falls Apart
and seems like now about to start the Dr. H books, articles, etc.

plus more I probably can't remember in addition to COUNTLESS other articles, 30 plus counseling session..

and the pain still continues....

It blows my mind how much pain an affair causes.... I thought I was married to the most secure, stable and honorable man in the world. And then one day he just up and left....

~BetterDaysAhead

nESRE,

Ahh - found the bumped post - the one from Scotland is the one I read. Thank you. Also printed out the acronym list a few days ago so I could understand it. A few are not on there. NC? Wondering if it was a typo for MC. POS? - Piece of $hit? I am guessing..

Thanks for your patience with us newbies.....

BetterDaysAhead

BDA

NC= No Contact--As in Plan B

Since Pepperband stole my Schmoopie I hope she doesn't mind me linking this:

Link to Carrot/Stick of Plan A


http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...flat&Number=2400725&#Post2400725


Please read all you can here as the weekends are kind of slow with responses.



Most MC's don't have a clue how to save marriages (M's).

Did you do exposure
How did you work Plan A? Plan B ?

Find out what these are and ask questions.

Dr Harley does know how to save M's and this site helps support his books and articles.

There is a very narrow path to follow if you chose to try and save your M. Even with your current state with your WH livig with the POSOW it may not be too late. It does definately make it harder.

The posters on this board will help you if you do the homework and ask questions. Keep posting. Most of this information goes against our basic human instincts and doesn't feel right or comfortable. But It was our best thinking that got us to where we are today.

Keep reading and posting.

nESRE

I agree with Plan B. ASAP.


Your Plan B letter should be quite short, but should reflect your feelings. Leave him knowing you do still love him and want to repair this.


I might write:






Dear WH,

Nearly 20 years ago you and I met and fell in love. Our kids and grandkids are here today because we could always work things out between us, no matter how tough those things might have seemed at the time. We've always come through - together.

I find myself in the most difficult position I've ever been in. As I write today, the grief is nearly too much to bear. I love you, in spite of all that has transpired. I had hoped that we might have worked this through before now, but that seems to have been just a dream. Because I still have love for you, I want to protect that love, in the event that somehow you may decide to return to the marriage and try again.

In order to protect my love for you, I have to sequester myself away from you and your affair, from all that it brings with it. So from this point forward, please address any and all communication via (your intermediary - "IM"). I will no longer accept telephone calls, emails, or any other type of communication directly from you. Also, please refrain from having our children placed in the middle as messengers. Any and all messages may be sent through IM.

In order to reestablish direct contact with me, it would be necessary for you to have permanently cut all ties with the OW, (and place any other conditions here). If you choose to do this, please let the IM know.

Whether we end up back together or even if we divorce, I need this time to recover from your affair and all of the devastation it brought. My life has continued without you, and the changes I have made in myself have made me stronger. I once believed in our marriage, and want to continue to do so. I once believed in you, and hope that somewhere deep inside of you is the man that I married - and that he will one day believe in us again.







That's about what I would write, if I loved him and wanted to let him know and hit below the belt at the same time.


SB

Wow SB,

I think at this late point in the game he would just feel very smug about this.

I think I found this site WAY too late.

This is the man who just smugly told me at my front door the other day, "And now you don't have a relationship at ALL, do you?????"

My reply was, "Thank God....." But then I hoped he did not think that I meant Thank God that I didn't have a relationship with him. I meant, Thank God I didn't jump into another relationship for the CHILDREN'S sake. The children who have had Dad's married girlfriend, a 'family friend' of ours rammed down their throats. Yes, the lawyer pulled off 'no paramour contact', but that my friends, is only for rule followers....

I spent a lot of time here today and need to explain that this is a romantic affair - which Dr. H states is very difficult to break. Because of the longevity of the affair now - 20 mos.? and the fact that they have lived together for a year now, and that she has been willing to participate with the GAL's interviews, etc., they are obviously planning a life together.

I guess I came here to say - you all have seen this - over and over, and over, I am JUST learning how textbook these guys are. Is there any hope that this will exhaust itself?

My WH is a very committed guy, until he was not to me - and his commitment for her is DEEP. The tipping point may lie within her - 2 children from 2 different relationships, she has not filed for D yet, although her H jumped ship right into the arms (and home) of another woman who's WH had just moved out. All of these wife swappers children attend the same social areas, sports, and school (NOT mine anymore - I pulled them OUT - best decision EVER that I made for our healing) My DS and POSOW DS were in the same small CLASS even!!!! POSOW parents have quite the track record of jumping out of their marriages too.

I am just so afraid that they are going to be the 5% that do end up married. Then if they don't make it to 5 years - well, my son will be graduated from HS by then - and will have spent the remainder of his childhood/adolescence in emotional turmoil because of his thoughtless Father's actions.

BetterDays - cuz face it, I truly have no place to go but up from here......

You won't know for some time if you found this place too late to save your M. I can guarantee you found it in time to do your very best healing for yourself.

At this point, your steps are the same no matter what the eventual outcome is. Protect yourself from further hurt, and begin to heal.

Thanks, Neak. I guess I realize I am here to heal myself.

I am just confused why he is being so cruel to me as of late? From his comment
the other day of, "And now you don't have a relationship at ALL, do you?????" (see above post), to yesterday emailing me, "I'm very disappointed how you've handled this, although, your track record is at least consistent." Regarding my wanting the kids to attend a summer program that THEY also want to attend. He actually emailed me he, "would consider allowing them to attend if I would sign off on waiving the no-paramour clause in the orders so they could stay with him in his (and his married girlfriend's) home." When I ran that by the kids, suddenly they said "no thanks" to the program that they both REALLY wanted to attend. So the cruelness spills onto the kids activities. More on that later -

But - he got what he wanted. He is out of this 'terrible' marriage (surprise to me!), living with his married OW for almost a year now, planning out their future life, and we are very close to the divorce being final. He has had my car repossessed, and is down to paying me peanuts for support. So he's getting everything he wanted - why all the cruelness to me?

Better Days Ahead

Is he trying to provoke me? Is this in response to my blocking the both of them on FaceBook? I am new here and was heading toward Plan B without even knowing the concept (minus the letter). But mostly because I needed to heal and move forward without worrying what he was doing. But when you throw the children in, and a change in schedule (summer) contact, negotiations have to be made. I can't wait till it is all settle and I can just wipe him out of my mind. But why the cruelness from him?