Hopefully someone can give me advice on this. My husband and I have been together for 15 years. I had the enviable marriage.

My daughter and my jaded divorced friends saw my husband as hope that there were still good men out there.

My husband got a lot of respect for how he treated which was always wonderfully, and still is except for one thing. I discovered he had been having an emotional affair with a coworker for two years. I initially was suspicious because he seemed overly fond of a woman he barely knew in the way he spoke about her. When we found out she had been caught in a compromising position with another married coworker I asked him point blank if she was flirting with him. I told him it was okay to admit it. I understood if he was flattered. He insisted the relationship was father/daughter. This seemed strange since as far as I knew the relationship was casual.

Everything went downhill from there. When we saw this woman socially he gave a lot of attention. A noticable amount to me and others. The flattery also continued. I couldn't believe he would lie to me since we had always been so honest with each other. His behavior toward me didn't change either. He was just as loving and doting as he had always been but I felt something was not right. This woman was also very, very cool toward all other women and had a horrible reputation. I brought it to his attention that she was rude and he did nothing which was also out of character.

After two years I finally insisted he end the friendship because she was so sleazy it became embarrasing to be associated with her. Under the threat of a lie detector test he finally admitted that she had been flattering him and he interpreted it as flirting and he was flirting back by giving her the attention.He also thought she would have sex with him since she was so easy. I couldn't believe it! he also admitted that he considered having sex with her once and then dump her.

He is now trying to say he didn't say that, like I can't hear. He is apologizing profusely but the apologies are filled with the excuses for the behavior. I didn't know what I was doing, I thought it would fizzle out...just a bunch of crap!He insists he is still madly in love with me and his life would end if I left him. Everyone I have confided in about this has been very disappointed and disillusioned. He was the last person anyone thought would do something like this. My husband has only dated two people in his life and he married both of them. Unfortunately this means he has no empathy for this kind of situation which works against him. I got information from the internet about the dangers of these relationships but he still does not see the magnitude of his actions.I now feel like I am married to someone I don't know.He violated everything he got respect for. I don't know how to fix something that doesn't seem broken. Every column/website assumes something must be wrong with the relationship but nothing is so all of the advice doesn't seem to apply. Something must be wrong with him but I don't know what it is.
Immaturity? Inexperience? I dated for ten years before I got married the first time. He only dated two people in his whole life.I am afraid he may want to sow some wild oats he never got to sow as a younger man. I have been there, done that. I am not sure what is going on but I need to get him on the same page as me. Now he is mad at me because I haven't gotten over this in two months even though all the information I gave him says it takes years to really get over this. I have no idea what is going on with him and how to fix something that doesn't seem broken. We have lived the ten concepts for 15 years.

I am sorry to say, there was something wrong because he had an affair. But it was NOT your fault, he made the decision. It was because your husband failed to protect the marriage and he had poor boundaries. He saw an opportunity and took it.
It has nothing to do with inexperience or immaturity. As Dr. Harley said we are all wired to have an affair given the right conditions and lack of precautions.
Also, schedule the lie detector test and make him take it.
You should really do some snooping. If this woman was caught in a compromising position with another co-worker, then this could of occured with your husband as well. Waywards tend to lie and not want to share all the details. (I was one of them)
In addition, he cannot work there anymore. If he wants to save and work on the marriage, he has to never see the OW again.They cannot have any contact if you and your WH want to work on the marriage.
Important things to do
1. No contact. Husband will end all contact with OW, send her a no contact letter. He will quit his job.
2. Gather evidence to find out how far this affair went and expose to family and friends. If you have children they should know as well. This will kill the affair and ensure that he is accountable to not just you, but to other people in his life.
I am sorry you are going through this. There are more experienced posters who can give you more insight and help. But right now ensure no contact and gather as much evidence as possible.


Edit: He needs to take responsilibility for what he did. Sounds like he thinks it is not a big deal and wants to sweep it under the rug.
Has he put precautions in place like not spending time with members of the opposite sex. No flirting with other females, etc? Does he still work at the same place?

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I don't know how to fix something that doesn't seem broken. Every column/website assumes something must be wrong with the relationship but nothing is so all of the advice doesn't seem to apply. Something must be wrong with him but I don't know what it is.

Have you asked him? When you talk to your husband is he afraid to tell you the truth?

You say that you have lived the MB concepts for years, so may I assume that you both know each others important emotional needs? Do you both meet each other's needs in the way you each want?

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I am not sure what is going on but I need to get him on the same page as me.

What do you mean by this?

Were either of you married when you met? Being separated still counts.

Do you have any COM?(children of THIS marriage)

Do you have children from any previous relationships?

I am sorry to tell you this, but I am NOT convinced that this A was an EA only. It went PA.

Sorry you are here, and welcome to MB

francesann,

I suspect that he admitted the absolute MINIMUM to get you to back down on the lie detector. I would suggest that you follow through with the lie detector and get the whole truth.

This is a common tactic of waywards and I agree with Scotland that this was more than an EA.

You cannot recover until you have the whole truth. You also cannot recover until he either he or the OW leave that job.

NC for life.

We here have experienced very similar betrayels in our enviable marriages.
Our spouses have tried to use our trust of them telling us the truth (cause they always used to) and we have had our 'aha' moments

so

please do not delude yourself that it is an Emotional Affair. It most probably is FAR further along than you have any inkling.

Schedule a polygraph and find out the truth NOW versus four years from now when they may be even deeper into the muck of fog.

Your spouse is not the great guy you thought. He has been warped by the crossing of boundaries.

Please heed our input.

We all hope we are wrong but we don't want you to live in the marriage fantasy that things are really okay. That it isn't happening............

francesann --

He has admitted the very least that he can get away with.
He's testing your reaction to this news to gauge you.
If you are devasted over the facts you have so far -- there is no way he is gonna offer MORE, because he fears your reaction.

He thinks he's protecting you from more hurt. In reality he's protecting HIMSELF from more consequences.

Schedule the polygraph. Get ALL of the truth NOW.

Otherwise you will die the death of a thousand cuts. He will trickle the real facts to you slowly, and will only admit to what you can prove. He will make you crazy with wordsmithing and evading. You will find that he will answer questions guardedly -- and unless you ask the right question in exactly the right way you will never get the truth.

he seemed overly fond of a woman he barely knew in the way he spoke about her...she had been caught in a compromising position with another married coworker...He insisted the relationship was father/daughter...When we saw this woman socially he gave a lot of attention...This woman was also very, very cool toward all other women and had a horrible reputation...he finally admitted that she had been flattering him and he interpreted it as flirting and he was flirting back by giving her the attention...He also thought she would have sex with him since she was so easy...I couldn't believe it! he also admitted that he considered having sex with her once and then dump her.

If you always tell the truth, you never have to work to keep your stories straight. - Italian proverb

Seriously, the inconsistencies here just leap out of your rendition of his excuses/self-entitlements. No two of the sentences make much sense except these two:

• she had been caught in a compromising position with another married coworker
• he also admitted that he considered having sex with her

Applying NG's Infidelity Mathematics, we have:

EA + Time + Opportunity = PA

Well, he's effectively admitted to the EA, and two years provides sufficient "time". "Opportunity" only needs one night returning home later than expected, one longer-than-usual trip to have the oil changed, one "business" trip without you.

You and he can never negotiate a path through this without both of you acknowledging the reality of the situation he has put you in.

Make an appointment with a licensed polygraph expert. Then as a step in granting him the forgiveness for the EA he has requested, tell your husband you will have him asked three questions, on the order of:

Have you ever had oral sex with OW, actively or passively? Have you ever had intercourse with OW? Have you ever participated in manual stimulation with OW, either in person or via phone connection?

If he is innocent, he will agree. If he is guilty of any of those behaviors, he will start with the "If you loved me, you wouldn't make me go through this," bilge. You can then cancel the appointment, and save the fee. You'll have your answer.

My huband wanted me to believe nothing happened at first.

then he trickled out more truth

and then more truth


finally, he admitted the truth of a PA.



It was hard to know that the marriage that there was "nothing wrong with" had many things wrong with it.


Your husband and you need to sit and really talk about what needs the OW is fulfilling for him. Because he would not be willing to drop those boundaries so willingly if there were not needs being met by her. It's important that you figure out what those needs are.

It is very important that you be honest with yourself about the state of your marriage at the time of the affair. While you may have been comfortable and your husband may have been meeting your needs/wants, are you so positive that your husband would have said the same about you meeting his? Were things stale, were you spending enough time together as a couple, were things open and honest between the two of you, were you aware of his recent changes in goals or ideas, etc.?

I am not saying that you are at fault for the affair. That choice was your husband's, 100%. What I'm asking of you is to look at the state of the marriage. It is a place to start with making changes in the relationship, in order to fortify it.