Well he knows how I feel sort of. He called at lunch time today like he normally does. Talked to the kids and then asked for me. We talked a little while and we got onto the subject of my brother and SIL and about how they are trying to work their marital problems out. I told him a little bit about what was going on but my voice started to waiver a bit because even though their situation is different it's kind of the same. Then I talked about how I'm going to go to the fireworks with them and how it was hard and I just broke down in tears and told him I had to go. A few seconds later he texted: Sorry I upset you I texted: I just miss our family. He texted: I miss that too! Then I texted: I just don't know what to say. Everything just hurts. Then I got nothing. Not a I'm sorry. Not anything. That's been hours ago. He gets the kids tonight. It's going to be so awkward.

ETA: He just called to let me know that he's going to be late tonight and call when he was done his last call. He apologized for upsetting me earlier.

A lot has happened and I don't have time to get into it, but I believe I am going to give him my plan B letter tonight. Here it is:

Dear WH,
The last week or so that we�ve spent together has been so bittersweet to me. I�ve missed you so much. I�ve missed snuggling up to you and running my fingers along your body and through your hair. I�ve missed kissing you. I�ve missed your smile and laugh. I�ve missed the time we spend together as a family. So it�s with a heavy heart that I write this letter.
I love you so much, but I just cannot play family with you any longer. I want to be able to walk through the park with you, not two feet away, but right next to you. I want to hold your hand and let everyone know that you are my husband and I�m proud to be your wife. I want to stop in the middle of the path and kiss you until the kids tell us �Ew, gross�. I want to want to lay with you in our bed and not have to stop because the kids walk in. I want to make love to you. This just isn�t good for me or the children. I cannot stand the pain, so I have decided that I will not see or talk to you anymore until I know for sure that your affair is over and you can commit to no contact for life with her, as well as rebuilding our marriage. From now on, when it�s time for you to pick up/drop off the kids there will be someone there. It will probably be A for the most part. Also, please go through A if you have any questions for me or if you need to get information to me. His cell phone number is #-###-###-####.
I hope you understand that I am not doing this to hurt or punish you, but to protect my feelings for you and my heart. I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you in this way. If there comes a point where you have decided that this marriage is something that you want and you are willing to take measures to restore it, please let A know. In the meantime, I will still be doing things to protect the kids and I. Please know that I am only doing what is in our best interests.
I want you to know that no matter how bad things have gotten or were, God put us together for a reason. I believe He wants us to have a life so much better than we ever dreamed of and be an awesome testimony to Him. I am committed to putting our marriage back together in a mutually satisfying way. I want to give you everything you need and more. I want to spend my life with you and grow old together. I love you with all of my heart.
DMH

dmh, sorry, I just saw this now. I hope you are doing okay. Let us know, as soon as you can.

Sorry this is so long...

It was his weekend and Friday night he was supposed to pick up the kids at the location. He was running late from work and offered to just come pick them up at the house. I said sure. So I quickly tried to figure out a way to plan A him for the little time that he was going to be here. I straightened up the house. I threw a frozen pizza in the oven because I knew he hadn't eaten yet. I made myself look and smell nice.

He came. It went fairly well, but nothing to phone home about. He got ready to leave and said that he needed to stop at Walmart to get groceries, diapers, and some other things before he was home. So I walked them out and kissed the kids good bye. I came in to wash my face and noticed that it was 10pm. I thought he's not going to get home until midnight. That's no good for the baby. So I called him and threw out the offer for him to sleep on the couch and they could go in the morning. I wasn't sure what he would do, but he said okay.

I got all his stuff ready for the couch. Then the kids asked if they could watch a movie. So he and the boys sat on the couch and I laid on the floor. After that we tucked the boys in.

I tried really hard to go to bed, but I just couldn't. I came out, told him to move his feet, and I sat at the end of the couch. I told him I was worried that this wasn't good for the kids. He said he wouldn't be spending the night anymore this was just a one time thing. I said it's not just that, but going places together. I had a hard time hearing him so I asked him to sit up. We sat there right up against each other. We talked a long time. At some point he put his hand on my leg and then I laid my head on his shoulder and started lightly dragging my fingers across his arm and belly (something I used to always do and he loved). I wish I knew what all we talked about. It was about our marriage and not all of it was good, but it didn't seem like it was the wrong thing to do. At some point he said something in him feels something because he just wants to take me in the bedroom and that he missed my touch so much and it felt like love. He said he partly just wanted to hold me to go to sleep and partly other stuff. LOL I said, well that's not going to happen. He agreed and said he wouldn't want the kids to see us if we fell asleep. I said yeah. We talked until 4 and then I tucked him in (no kissing).

In the morning I made pancakes and was thinking I needed to step up this plan A little. When I was done I told my oldest son that I wanted some privacy. I woke WH up. Took his hand and led him into the bedroom. We talked. I dragged my fingers across his body like I did the night before. At some point we kissed, gently at first, and then things got a little out of hand, but that's what I intended. I didn't let him get far at all and I just said I'm not doing that. He was okay with that. I told him I just cannot be with someone that doesn't love me even if he is my husband. We talked and kissed a long time and eventually we went out with the kids. Tried to finish up the movie but he was saying he had to help a guy move a hot tub and I swear the guy must have been texting him every 5 minutes. So I got all easy breezy, smiled, and told him that it's time for him to leave because I have things to do (which he already knew about). I told him I'd get the baby's clothes to change into. Then I was just easy breezy saying goodbye to each on of them. That night when they kids called to say goodnight he wanted to talk to me. Not about anything in particular, I did for a few minutes, and then told him I didn't want to take any time away from him and the kids and I got off.

I felt like crap when he left. In complete tears. Doing all this plan A stuff when I know darn well he's thinking of someone else just stinks. In all of our talking he still doesn't think he loves me. I think he does...but I just....I don't know. It's hard. I just felt dirty and used. :o( That's when I decided I was done and it was time to plan B. I promised the kids a trip to the lake, and that's what I was going to do, but I was done after that. This just isn't good for any of us.

So the next day comes. He's already in the driveway when I get home from church. I let them in. He offers to get stuff at the grocery store for our picnic (this is HUGE since he left me with NOTHING - our electric bill almost got turned off until the salvation army helped us). After that trip, and then packing up we head to the lake. On the way there I realized I forgot all the plates, napkins, forks, and a spatula. So we head back home (I only live about 10 minutes away). He offers to grill them on our grill so we do that. While he's using the grill I set up a chair for me to sit on. He sits on one beside me. We didn't talk much, but he did fling water on me after washing his hands. I cannot remember the last time he's flirted with me. While we were sitting in the chairs I kicked off my flip flops and put my feet up on his leg. Then we take the burgers in to eat as a family at our table.

After eating, we sent the kids outside and the baby went down for a nap so we could talk some more. He did admit to abandoning the kids which put me in tears. He denied that for so long. He called what he did cheating and he said I was right, she is just a child. She wasn't what he thought she was. He said he just wish he could stop the thoughts and memories. He wished he never did it.

After talking we went to the lake. He spent most of the time with the boys in the water while I sat with the baby on the beach. The water was just too cold for us. When we got home, I said I can make a loaf of beer bread, I'll build a fire (I made a fire pit while he was gone), and we'll roast marshmallows. So I did all that. I made my fire and it was the best fire I ever made and it went up right away. He didn't say anything, but he had to of been impressed (sometimes it takes him while to get a fire going). We sat there and again I put my feet on his lap. I can't remember if he did it earlier, but this time he automatically put his hand on it and rubbed it.

So now it's time for him to say goodbye. He tells the kids goodbye. I tell them to stay inside because I needed privacy. I grab my letter and go out with him. At this point I burst into tears because I know this really IS goodbye. He asked me if I was okay and I said no. He pulls me into him and lays my head on his chest. He strokes my hair and kisses the top of my head. He told me had a really good weekend. That he wished this wouldn't have happened and he could just get rid of the memories. He said after this week he should know what he wants (what the crap does that mean!?). That he's pretty sure he wants to come home (I said I hope so), but he wants to be 100% sure because he doesn't want to do that to the kids again and I agreed. He told me I've been strong for this long, and it won't be much longer. Then he told me that I need to go inside, kissed my forehead again, and I looked up and gave him a kiss. He would let me kiss him the way I wanted to kiss him. It seemed like he just wanted to be gentle and not go too far. So I hand him my letter. He asks me if this is something he needs to read now. I told him to do it when his heart tells him to and I went inside.

dmh, I don't have a lot of time, getting kiddos ready for school and all that, but I wanted to say WOW.

That was one of the best ends to Plan A that I have ever seen. You did a spectacular job. I was worried that something HORRIBLE had happened that put you right over the edge. Thank you for sharing. This was amazing. I know that Plan A is supposed to be done without expectations, but look at what it did for you and your WH. WOW.

wow

It is a good send off from A to B.

It is imperitive you do not break the plan B so that he can really experience the relationship with OW without your support/involvment/enabling it.
They will either continue or not.

You must prepare for missing him something fierce and staying strong.

For you and the kids.

He may try to test your resolve. You will be tempted to keep plan Aing but though you stay delightful when he tests you....you do not allow him back into your life until he agrees to the terms that the affair ends. He builds a new, monogamous romantic relationship with you.

dmh, how are you holding up? I hope you are doing okay.

You did an EXCELLENT job ending your Plan A. You are a GREAT example. Now, do Plan B as well as you did Plan A. YOU ROCK.

I'm just emotionally spent right now. Crying a lot. It feel almost as bad as when he left us, only different.

I need to figure out what I do next. Do I make a list of things I need him to do in order for him to come back? Things like the no contact letter and STD testing? A post nup? I'm so scared he won't agree to those things. I read this today on one of the articles:

To make matters worse, whenever a wayward spouse sees me for counseling there is rarely regret and rarely a willingness to compensate the offended spouse. They usually ask to be forgiven, but that doesn't mean he or she is deeply remorseful. It usually means that he or she doesn't want us to bring up the subject anymore, or require a change in behavior. In other words, the wayward spouse wants the pain suffered by the offended spouse to be ignored or forgotten.

I'm so afraid this is how my WH is going to be. I just don't know how to work through this. I ordered a copy of SAA today. I used to think it was a waste of money because I truly thought he was done. I still worry about that. I'm afraid after I'm done reading it, it's going to just be a sad reminder of what happened...or I guess didn't happen.

So is there some sort of link on how to make a no contact letter? What should it include?

dmh,

I just wanted to jump in really quick and respond to your post while the others will help you specifically with your Plan B letter. The Plan B letter is a LOVE LETTER from you to your WH (after a stellar Plan A like yours) that will include your conditions for his return to your M.

A NC (No Contact) letter is a letter that your WH will write to OW, with your approval and that will be mailed by YOU. A NC letter is a condition that, yes, will be included in your Plan B letter. Make sense?

Just wanted to clarify the difference between the 2 (NC versus Plan B) so that you don't get confused in the terms used here. BTW, there are examples of both that I can't find, nor should I post to you as others will share great examples that you can edit to fit your situation best.

If and when your H agrees to the conditions that you lay out in your Plan B letter, that's when you'll be ready to examine what a NC letter should look like.

You did a great Plan A, lady. I am so sorry that you are hurting today, but trust the advice here in that Plan B will help you 1000% feel better.

P.S., Do you have an IM set up? If so, great. If not, post candidates you have in mind here so you can get some help.

Your post about the weekend is incredibly hopeful, dmh!

Thank you so much Surfer. I actually gave him the plan B letter at the end of his visit last night. What I wrote in my letter is the second post on page 13.

I'm just wondering what needs to be in the no contact. Is this supposed to be in his own words or is there certain elements that need to be in it besides no contact for life? For instance, does he need to tell her that what they did was wrong? That he's committed to his wife, family, and making this marriage work? Is there things that must be included?

My IM is set up. He's my brother. He may not be available to be there when I pick up and drop off the kids. HOpefully I can manage to find someone if he can't. That's the one thing I'm worried about. Thankfully, he isn't getting the kids for next 3 weeks.

I am posting from my phone but I will post more later. There are a feew examples of really good NC lettes on this site and one in SAA too. You don't need to figure it out for him. You will tell him what needs to be in it he will write it and then you will approve it and you will send it

You should be thinking about what requirements you need him to meet to recover with you.

Will you guys need to move? You will of course tell him that he needs to agree to marriage counselling of your choosing(MB of course). That you will be monitoring him. That he will agree to and complete a polygraph(this is to avoid trickle truth). There will be more but the ones you already have plus these will be a good start. I don't remember does he work with OW. If so, the job will need to go or else contact is still on.

Oh, dmh. I'm sorry. I did know that you drafted here! I didn't know that you gave it to him just last night, so it's no wonder your sorrow is so heavy today. (((dmh)))

Yes, there are specific elements that need to be included and yes FROM him and SIGNED by him, but you are truly writing together. What's equally important (IMO) is what should NOT be included.

-no apologies to OW
-no "buts" (i.e.: what we did was wrong, BUT...)
-no explanation or justification of the A (i.e.: "I did this because...")
-no "goodbye" or "wishing you luck" or anything that smacks of interest in her future
-no "I know you are a nice person" anything, nor any derogatory remarks either

Damn if I don't need to learn this site better and how to find stuff!

Scotty or Pep will post an example soon, for sure. Just bear in mind that a NC letter is NOT a "closure" letter to OW. Don't confuse that, OK? It is a "you no longer exist" letter. Zero emotion except toward YOU and his love for you.

Also -- back to NC letter...Scotty is right. HE should write it willingly, and then you approve (or not). I said "together", and what I mean is that YOU approve it. Sorry if I confused the two.

No exclamation points, and as little punctuation as possible outside of periods. Just the facts.

Commas mean exceptions to those that are looking for them.

Here are some I found when I googled, they are older though.

These are by Awed18

Link to original thread here. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=29;t=003686;p=0

Thank you so very much for all of these examples. I really hope I'm able to make use of them at some point in time. I'm trying so hard not to get my hopes up, but after yesterday it's hard not to.

Just make sure that when/if he tries to come home, that you set that bar HIGH. A false recovery would be worse than the original betrayal.

Now, have you been feeling okay? Have you made sure to eat? Sleep? Relax?