ww26.

don't push be patient for now. he needs to see that side of you, how about renting a few movies, that is what my husband and I did at first, something to do together but not to forced.
walks together. shopping together, simple things..........
the vacation has always been an issue for us as well, my WH never wanted to go either at least with me, we just came back from a week in the Dominican and he said it was the best vacation he had ever been on........
takes a little time to work yourselves back............
in the meantime enjoy every minute, don't get ahead of yourself........
jessi

Thanks Jessi. Just taking it slow and one day at a time. Right now trying to plan this vacation and working on the accountability program. We'll see what happens:)

So as of right now I am still working on trying to save the marriage. Working on personal recovery.

But I have realized with all the things that I know that there is a high likelihood that we will not make it past next spring. There is nothing I can do about it, I do recall a poster that said we can choose what we do but not the consequences.

I have stopped being needy with him and stopped pushing for things that I cannot have.

I know what I want from a marriage, how I should treat a marriage and my spouse. I will not settle for less or for a marriage to just limp along.

In addition, I am more focused on the future. I am making goals that with or without him I want to acheive. I currently prepping to write the LSAT, if I do well I am going to try for law school in the future. Although spending many years back at school is not appealing, the pay off will be good.

So looking forward to a brighter future no matter what happens:)

And, *numero uno* for any FORMER WW (or WH) should be, the Policy of Radical Honesty.
If you divorce, any future potential spouse must be aware of your past. Before engagement. Not that you need to wear a Scarlet Letter, but you do need to make your potential future spouse aware of any past weaknesses.
It's the right thing to do.


Best of luck on your goals.
Having lofty goals is a good thing!

I am still hoping to work things out with my BH. But some marriages can't be saved. I will find out if mine is one of them in the not too far distant future.

I intend on using the MB principles I have learned and have been applying it to this marriage. If it fails, I will use what I have learned for the next. I would definitely tell future partners about it as it is a part of me that I will never forget and have learned from. I do not intend to make the same mistakes twice whether it be in this relationship or future ones.

When I look at your age, I remember myself at that tender age of 26.

If I had married the man I was dating for many, many years, it is very likely I might have become a WW at 26 myself.

This bothers me ....


What do you mean?

BH has set a deadline for us. I still love him but not the other way around. So if things do not change he wants the divorce next year. It may seem far away but time passes quickly ....:S It is not that I brought up divorce, he did and wants it. He sees no way around it. I can only change myself, I can help myself recover/heal personally. But I cannot do that for him and he will not allow it. So if things stay the way they are now, he wants out and maybe I will at that time. One spouse can help get things started but in the end a marriage takes two people.

Yeah.

I told FWW I wanted a divorce, too. She just flat out told me NO.


... hard headed women... mumble, mumble, mumble...

I'm still trying really hard to save this marriage. But I cannot force him to stay after the time is up. He intends on leaving at that point. I have also let go of my expectations because it causes disappointments on my side. I have no expectations and I do what I feel is necessary without expecting anything in return. I try not to get my hopes up because when he brings up divorce, it just gets me down. And he has every right to walk away. But right now while he is around, I will do whatever I can in my power to save this marriage. That's all I can do and improve/change myself for the better.

2 things.

Deadline:

I set a deadline of 6 months. Initially.
Then, another 6 months.
Next thing you know .... it's been 15 years!

Love:

He has love for you.
You're just gonna have to trust me on this. Don't argue with me on this point.
You will lose !!
But, his relaxing into that love (ie: TRUST that love will not hurt him more) is not happening for him at this point. There is no safety in love for him.

Wait this out.
Be patient.


How are you doing when it comes to quieting your expectations?
Quieting your Taker?

PS
I just read your last post about expectations.

Thanks for the encouraging words. I am doing my best to quiet my taker and just do what I think is best and not expect anything in return. I can only change things within my control. Another thing that struck me was WPG's thread. I want my BH but I do not need him. I can live without him and make a life for myself. I just would like him to be a part of the joys and changes in my life. To share a life with him where we are both happy.

I guess the deadline thing was true. He immediately wanted out at the beginning and did not want to talk to him or be near me. Then after a few days settled, he decided to give it till the end of the month then he decided to give it an entire month (we were actually separated for 6 weeks). Now it's until next year but this time he does not view us as a couple anymore (and has not since he requested a D). But you never know. And again, when I had sex with another man I also gave him the right to walk away.

Some of the things he said makes me think that things may not work out, he thinks he has a better chance of getting struck by lightning then falling back in love with me. So yeah hearing stuff like that sucks. But not as much as what I put him through and what he is still going through.

I do understand the love thing. What I did makes it so it is not safe for him nor a motivation to love those who hurt you. I have not given him a good reason to stay with my unfaithfulness.

If he change his mind, it would be the greatest gift I could ever receive that I do not deserve after my actions. If he does not, he has every right to walk and I do not blame him and no one else would either.

Also, consider doing nice things for your Taker.
Self care sorts of things. You know what I mean.
Self love.
It's OK.
You do "deserve" self love.
Do not argue this point either.
You will lose.





This is exactly why I bother to post to you.
Why I have a lot of hope for you.
Your attitude is correct.
I admire this attitude in both the WS and the BS.
This is an attitude that can be so difficult to understand, much less adopt.
Good job you.




Offer to stand in the yard with him during a storm, so you can be struck by lightening together.
He's unwilling to risk falling back in love with you because he is afraid.
So, he makes grandiose statements like this to push you away.
It's a test.
He still has residual love.
Keep up the deposits.
Little by little.
Once, we had a neighbor who put all her purse change into a big container.
Every day the amount grew by incremental amounts.
Eventually, she had saved enough for a deposit on a new car.
This is you.
Making love bank deposits that seem like they will do nothing to increase your worth.
Do not be fooled.
Every small deposit adds up.

Your marriage is up in the air.
Your integrity is yours to grab.


Keep posting.
You are needed here on MB and you are an important person too.

I am not sure how to help my BH.

He has been in a down mood the past two-three weeks.

He has not worked on his classes for weeks while I've been studying for my LSAT and doing readings for him so we can discuss it and so I know what he is talking about in his papers. He barely even leaves the house except for work. He has not been going with friends even. He just goes for walks or sits on a bench for the night. He lays in bed for hours instead of getting up and doing stuff. I do not know how to help him. He does not want me to hug him or cuddle him.

He actually tried talking to me about motivation and such, but that just made him more down. I guess I used to be his motivation, but not anymore. He just does not want to give anything a try because he thinks that all good things come to an end (summary of what he said). Then he decided to talk about divorce, and how our relationship was never meant to be.

I just do not know how to help him? Any suggestions? (he doesn't want to be touched except during sex of course and talking about it made it worse:S He is going through a tough time and I do not know what I can/should do to help without being seeming pushy.

Any help is greatly appreciated, I do not like seeing him like this.

Oh and thanks Pepperband for your encouraging and helpful posts and everyone else who has ever posted to me.

Forgive me if I've missed it, but has your BH gone for a checkup with his physician? It sounds like he could be depressed. Thinking back on my own timeline, about 9-10 months after DDay #2 was when my H really started withdrawing, and it gradually got worse and worse due in large part to my poor handling of recovery.

When he goes for walks, go with him. Sit on the bench with him. Feed the birds, watch fireflies, count the stars. Keep asking: "Is there anything I can do for you today?" Keep on making those deposits, even when it seems like nothing is getting through.

Also, he could be dealing with other issues, like troubles at work or with his classes (especially since he's not working on them), that are bleeding over and feeding an attitude of defeat.

No and they do not treat depression here very well if that is the problem.

It might be that it is approaching the 1 year mark. He remembers that date but he still has trouble remembering our wedding anniversary and my birthday.

No problems at work or his classes. He just does not feel like doing them. He is not sure why he is even getting a degree anymore, it was a goal we had together.

He does not want me coming with him when he goes, he wants to be alone.

But I just texted him if he wanted to come and watch a movie so he is on his way.

WW26

I have kept up with your thread for sometime now. I know the emotional turmoil that your BH is going through. I did give my WW a second chance and she never committed and we were in a false recovery and now in a middle of a D. I put so much effort into my marriage, but for what---That is something I think a lot of BS worry about---a re-offender!!!

BS are very cautious, skeptical, weary, etc! And for very obvious reasons. I just wanted my ww to show remorse and to be humble about her mistake-and she never was!!! You are on the right track!

Listen to Pep and those that have been in your shoes.

We also counseled with Steve for about 5 months and as a BH he helped me a ton--for my ww she never bought into mb primarily because she still had contact with the POSOM--something to chew on! If she would've adhered to the mb principles I know our marriage could have been saved.

Is he on anti-depressants? They did help me a great deal!

I wish you and your marriage the best

Thanks InnerStrength for your post. I do recall reading Strugglingaz thread. I am sorry that things have not worked out the way you wanted it to.

I will bring up maybe going to a doctor in the big city to see if he wants to get checked out and maybe be put on AD's. We had previously discussed it before but at the same time he hates going to the doctor.

Just taking one day at a time and doing what I can from my side. Taking care of myself mentally and physically. I keep telling myself, what more do I have to lose, I have lost my husband once so the worst that can happen is he may never return and the best case he will want to work things out. Never know till you try:)

Trying to be supportive and empathic. But sometimes I just freeze up and do not know what to say to him, not because I am scared to say something but I blank out:S

He just seemed so sad and disappointed. He thinks every time things go well in his life they turn sour. He is sad that he thinks that our relationship was not meant to be from the beginning. We used to fight a fair bit at the beginning (not an excuse but BH was my first bf and everything).

"Resentment can often ruin a otherwise stellar recovery" DrH quote

After my FWW 1st EA.......I withdrew from my wife soon (1 year) after the hyper-bonding and shock was over. Once I became "comfortable" I started dwelling mainly because she never set up EP's and EN's not being met soon followed for both. POJA was non existent. So our conflicts never ended or was even negotiated correctly.

I also became Depressed. I didn't see it then but I do now. I withdrew from EVERYTHING in my life. Including my Kids. We had so much controversy over the kids issues I withdrew from even ball practice with my DS. I didnt do anything I use to enjoy at all. Slept way to much, never had any energy. He definitely sounds like Depression is there. He needs some of the less invasive Anti's as a maintenance med for a bit. Take a bullet here and tell him because of your actions you think you have made him sick. Set him up an Appt with a MD for 30 days out offering to cancel if he doesnt agree to go. Maybe print some online Depression tests and ask him to please think about taking them to test his levels himself.

Sounds like compensation on your part has been made and is being maintained. The last part of his puzzle to RECOVER should only be TIME. And to beat the ugly RESENTMENT monster. But if depression is now an issue its a true medical condition that must be contended with or the limping will continue in your recovery.

So I tried setting an appointment for him with the doctor next month. He told me no thank you, what could the doctor do. I told him the doctor could figure out if there was a serious problem or not, and prescribe him AD's which would help. But again he declined, so I have not brought it up since. He now knows that offer still stands to help him. I told him I would pay for the doctor visit and medication.

He does seem to be a slightly better mood today. I think because he got his XBOX up and running (playing shooter games). So I've been watching and chatting with him most of the day.