Hi everyone, this is my first post here, I thought I should introduce myself to the forums. I feel kind of awkward right now, I'm not really sure what to say or if I am even posting this in the right place...

I guess, from the bit I've learned reading through the site and the other threads, that I am the betrayed spouse. I'm a stay at home mom, I have 2 children. I think my husband's affair was only emotional, he swears nothing physical happened, but there have been so many lies uncovered that I really have no assurance that its the truth. There has also been an ongoing cycle of discoveries, promises to stop, commitments to change, more discoveries, promises to stop, commitments to change, you get the picture, so I cant really give specific dates anymore, its just meshed together in my head into one huge ball of hurt. I can break it all down in approximate timelines, if you'd like...

its taken me a while to post here, I've read through the site quite thoroughly in the past during one of the previous discoveries, and had my husband read it too, but since it still continued, alot of it has been lost and I admit I need to read through it all again...

I guess i am just having a hard day, it catches me offguard sometimes, I'll just be going about my day and WHAM, it all floods back. My husband is at work so I cant really bring this to him till later, so I guess I just needed to say hello...

I dont know what else to say in an opening post, but please feel free to ask questions, it might help me get it straight myself lol

thanks for taking the time to read this

Hi Eliaana --

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

Who is the OW? How did your husband meet her?

Hi Lexxy, thank you for the welcome.

The OW is an old high school classmate that he reconnected with through Facebook. I am not originally from this area, but my husband is, its a small-town-Texas area, where everyone knows everyone (except me lol)

Elianna --

What do you believe is the current status of the affair? On or off?

Have you implemented any of the recommended spying techniques?
Do you have a keylogger on the computer? Is your husband willing to be transparent and give you full access?

If you've been reading here, then you know that one of the first recommendations will be exposure.

Have you done this?

Do you have a copy of all of OW's facebook friends? That would be a good thing to start on. Stealth. Make a list.

I think I believe that its off... BUT, I've believed this repeatedly throughout the last year, and I've been wrong, so I guess I've reached the point where i just dont know what to believe anymore, I cant tell the difference between truth and lies anymore. Not sure which way is up, you know?

I dont have a keylogger on his PC, I dont know how to install something like that without him realizing that its there (we have our own laptops). He has "learned" to try to keep it off his pc and use only his phone for this, which is much harder to monitor, since he always has it with him. I'm not aware of any keylogger apps for cell phones...

He is willing to be transparent, but again, I dont know what to believe anymore, if he's being transparent on everything I know about, and keeping secret email addresses that I dont know about (I've found one during one of our go-arounds).

I've read the exposure recommendations in the past, I do need to go back through them again to try to understand how it applies to us, who it should be exposed to, etc... I know his mother knows some of it, because during one particularly difficult discovery, I called her to come sit with me because I was just falling apart and couldnt be alone that night. I've wanted to expose her to the Christian home for unwed mothers that she lives in, but I've been discouraged from doing so, because of the effect it may have on her children.

I dont have a copy of all of OWs facebook friends, there are hundreds of them, since they both attended the same high school. I try to keep track of their "common friends".

Eliaana --

I suggest that you do two things right now.

Go into Plan A -- which means that you identify and address your husbands most important emotional needs. Where was the vulnerability that let OW sneak into your marriage? (admiration?...thats always a biggie for wayward husbands...)
Start being the girl he courted and married.

In the meantime, INVESTIGATE.
You're gonna need to go to the spying section on this forum, and employ a few tools. What kind of phone does he have? You will want to get flexispy or something of that nature that will capture his cell phone activity. You also need to put the keylogger on his computer. All you need is for him to use it once, and you will capture his passwords.

We're gonna help you develop YOUR PLAN. And we're not going to let you be manipulated away from it.

Seriously Eliaana -- how twisted is it to ask that YOU be concerned about OW's children? That is HER job, and maybe SHE shouldn't put her children's well-being at risk by having an AFFAIR with a married man. That is not your problem!

On Facebook get the ID's of everyone that appears to be related to her, and all of their common friends. Keep it safe, and out of your house.

Hi Eliaana, welcome to Marriage Builders.

There are a few good resources for cell phones, mobilestealth, eblaster and flexspy. If you can get his phone in the middle of the night, you could install one of those.

Additionally, I would put a GPS on his car like Pepperband suggested.

I would also plan to do a very strategic exposure starting with the Christian home she lives in. They could be a great influence on her. Other exposure targets are all of your family members, close friends, children. Exposure is your greatest weapon against the affair. The more people who speak to him about the affair, the greater your chances of saving your marriage.

You can also send out private messages to the OW's family members via facebook. Tell them about the affair and ask them to use their influence to persuade her to leave your husband alone. This will kill any future hope the OW has of marrying your husband.

What concerns me is that the affair is the prospect of the OW getting pregnant by your husband. The longer the affair goes on, the greater the risk. So I would really step up your efforts to kill this affair.

Dr Harley calls exposure "the single most important step towards recovery":

here

Lexxxy, I will go read the Plan A/Plan B section once I finish responding to your post

As for the vulnerabilities, I suppose a big part is the admiration you mentioned, and the fact that our sex drives are not in sync (with me being the one with the lower drive). From my perspective, I put his immediate needs before our relationship needs (letting time together and sex slide off the priority list in lieu of him needing sleep to work a job that has him up at 3:30am, etc etc) and essentially mothering him, I guess. At least, thats the impression I am left with after past conversations. When I read a section here previously, it sounded alot like one section that I cant recall the name of right now, where you identify the important needs or whatever. I wasnt meeting the needs he wanted met, I was meeting the needs I thought he needed met.

I know his FB password, his email passwords, but if there are other accounts out there, I am not aware of currently. The last discovery was sometime in March, I believe, perhaps late February. The last contact he had with her was in April, which he made me immediately aware of (and resulted in a text-fight between the two of them). Thats the best of my knowledge as far as their last contact.

As for being asked to be concerned about her children... what you said, was EXACTLY how I felt about it... my attitude was that she never ONCE considered the impact on MY children, so why should I be concerned about HERS? but both my husband and my mother in law didnt think I should take it that far, because her children didnt deserve to be homeless, should this church organization give her the boot...

I'll go check out the spying section too, while i'm at it. As for his phone, we're on AT&T, I think its an Android type of phone. I'll go dig out the box to check if its a different kind.

eta: sorry, its an HTC Inspire 4G

I would go to the eblaster, flexispy and mobilestealth websites to see if they have something for that phone.

The Christian home doesn't deserve to be harboring an adulterer without their knowledge. It's about OW having to live with the consequences of HER actions and you telling the truth is the RIGHT thing to do. You didn't make her have an A with your WH.

The fact that your WH still wants to protect her speaks volumes. And his mother? Huh. Do as you have been advised. You are in GREAT hands here.

Thank you all for your input. I will look into the spyware for his phone and try to find a way to purchase it without him seeing it (joint bank account).

I have a question about the exposure though...

The reason for her contacting him in April, was because after the last time he was discovered and begged for one last chance, I had told him that I had given him a chance to deal with her his way, and that now it was my turn. However his mother is much more adept at things like this than I am, so when I let her know that this woman was back in the picture, apparently my mother in law phoned her place of employment. From what I know, she didnt say anything other than confirm that she was employed there, but we suspect the OW herself answered the phone, because the first text my husband recieved from her that day was "What the (bleep) is your mother doing calling my job?!?!?!?!" and just spiraled from there... so, my concern is that exposure may actually prompt her to resurface again... If she is truly gone now, is it a good idea to risk bringing her back, in order to complete the exposure portion of recovery?

still reading the Plan A/Plan B parts, a little confused as to how to implement, but I'm still reading and re-reading.

Eliaana-

Is money going to be an issue?
Do you have access to enough money to purchase these items?

GPS
Keylogger
Phone monitor
Voice Activated Recorder

Just make the plans for now Eliaana. You don't have to pull the trigger on exposure until you've completed some spying.
Better to know exactly what you are dealing with.
Put some of these measures into place and give it a few days.

At the same time, work on collecting the phone numbers, facebook ID's and make a list of those you will expose to IF you find further contact between your husband and OW.

At simultaneusly work on Plan A.

Simple, right!? ha.

Just wanted to point out that she can't contact your H unless he allows it. If she does contact him then the problem is not exposure, but that *HE* has not cut off contact. Exposure very much decreases the risk that the affair resumes because the more people watching, the more ppl to hold them accountable.

But like Lexxy recommended, I would focus on checking up on him for now and then making a decision about exposure.

I would also caution you about confiding any of your methods or plans in your MIL. She wants whats best for her son. That is you. However, if she perceives that you are going to cause him trouble (exposure, consequences, etc.) -- her allegience might change.

Keep your cards close to your vest.

Melody is sooo right about her contacting your husband.
He has terrible boundries -- thats what got you into this mess to begin with. He's gonna have to do better.
That should include changing his cell phone number. There is no reason OW should have easy access to him!

AGree with Scotland 100%. They might have some thoughts about the OW having an affair with a married man.

Lexxxy, money is an issue, being a single income family with a mortgage and 2 kids, but I'll find a way to eek it out if necessary. definitely wont be able to get it all at once, but I can probably chip away at it piece at a time. the cellphone one is the one i am most interested in, as we are trying to get ourselves in sync and he's aware that I'll check things, so if he is still continuing this either with her or a new one, he'll likely keep it on the phone (since they are basically computers themselves now). its pretty much always been on his phone, the only reason I found out to begin with was he fell asleep with the phone on the bed (remember he works early so he falls asleep early). When I climbed into bed that night and pulled the covers over me, his phone literally hit me in the chest. When I picked it up, my fingers touched the screen and the screen lit up saying 5 unread messages... I was concerned his family was trying to reach him, to have so many unread messages so late, and... well... yeah...

We're committed to trying to fix things, and I hope he's serious about what he's telling me this time, but its the whole "I've heard this all before" feeling that makes it hard for me some days. I can see little attempts that he is making, and I try to acknowledge them each time... again, being a single income family with little cash to spare, I have to look outside the wallet, to acknowledge things like him clearing the table after dinner, or offering to cook, etc... little things that havent been in play before...

Eliana, I think that eblaseter for mobile phones might be the cheapest [$69] and it seems to have the same features as the other ones. I haven't done any indepth research so if you could let us know what you find it would be greatly appreciated.

here is the eblaster for android: here

flexispy for android

mobile stealth for android