P.S.

I know others have said it, but one day your W might want to come here. She'll get a warm welcome...2 x 4s, and a lot of help. All in good time. Warmest wishes to you and W.

MSS, two years for me is this Friday, 24 June. WE have something special planned. I also will finally post MY story here on MB that day, in something of a "closing ceremony" to mark the date.

The day after d-night, I would not have taken odds of 100 - 1 that I'd be here to type these words today. Keep looking at the horizon, friend, not the pebbles underfoot.

As I have urged other BH's here:

E - A - O - T - P

??

Im looking forward to your story, you've been a rock for me here and Id like to know how you did/and are doing it.

Of the remarkable things about my FWW is her ability to shut off the past like a faucet. I attribute this to her unhappiness in this A especially in the last years. As my story goes, OM and his family would spend many Sundays at our house and the last years it was like pulling teeth with my wife to invite them over. And, as I think back she did an aweful amount of complaining about him and his family so obviously there wasnt something right over there. However, as my story goes and to her discredit, my FWW chose the easy way or perhaps felt trapped and didnt/couldnt get out.

I relay this now because as spouses Im learning more about protecting who were married to. They are imperfect and things can happen to even the best of us. It comes down to conversation. Learning more about what she is feeling and thinking and I did a remarkably poor job of this. I hate her for doing what she did to me and the kids, but I now know why even though she has not even said why. The "why" is unexplainable. The "why" is for me to understand and put in the back of my head forever. The "why" makes no sense back when the A started and definitely as it faded. Most importantly, the "why" could have been learned if I spent more time asking her (and if she spent more time telling) me her thoughts.

So, in closing, about my wife's ability to almost shut off this period in her life, I know how she's able to do it. One, its extremely humiliating to her and wearing it on her sleeve for life is something she'll have to live with and the less spoken about it, the better she is. And two, she made a mistake that almost ruined the lives of people she loves the most and the OM in retrospect was risk not worth taking as she has little to show for it other than a scarred memory of the last bunch of years. And, a husband battling depression and anxiety thru no fault of his and we both know the less said of the A, the faster Ill be able to pull myself out of the muck.

Some days the anger/pain is low and clarity is beautiful.

By the way, has anyone heard from Brother Celtic Voyager? Havent gotten any pearls of wisdom in weeks from CV. Hope all is well.

E - A - O - T - P
Eye (A)) On The Prize //I dont remember zactly


Ok------ Eyes Ahead On The Prize

Ache?

Agnostic?

Ape?

Analyze?

Abruptly?

pssst... it's "always"

Or Allways


(I was just testing you) Yeah Yeah Thats it! I am so smart! I TEst people! Thats the ticket!.....(Morgan... Fairchild)

You ARE a fast study!

The "why" is unexplainable. The "why" is for me to understand and put in the back of my head forever. The "why" makes no sense back when the A started and definitely as it faded. Most importantly, the "why" could have been learned if I spent more time asking her (and if she spent more time telling) me her thoughts.

(Shhhhhhhh - the quiet little secret for most of us is that learning the "why" is what takes the two years we've talked about! Once we have that, we understand what the hell happened, and feel that we can better prevent it from recurring.)

Great point, NG.

Neverguessed nailed it. The Why factor is resolved and thats a huge, huge hurdle. BRAVO!

Sorry brother, it has been a crazy week or so. We had friends from out of town stay with us (an extra 2 adults and 5 kids), and we hit our three year mark for our Dday. Oh... and there was that U2 concert in Baltimore that my beautiful wife took me to for a belated father's day... Sound like you are doing really well Mike. I'm still rooting for you two (not U2!)

CV

Heading out on our weekend alone together in the next half hour. Sort of off to a lousy start because I had a mood last night and she didnt appreciate it. I apologized, popped some pills, and we went to bed with her annoyed at me. I said sorry again this morning and promised to love her this morning and forever. Wish us luck.

Hang in there! You are doing well!

darn rollercoaster, hope you two have a good time reconnecting......just enjoy the moments..

The weekend away was great. We had great conversation. Got some emotion from her that i really have not seen too much of since dday.

I did have a breakthrough in my thought process and something I will be talking about when i join my wife on her next therapy session with her psychologist (I was invited). I learned early on in my marriage that my wife has a difficult time being happy. The reality is that this affliction stems from her mother who has no ability to enjoy just about anything life brings her. My mother in law has spent the last 50 years being jealous of her older sister who married better and always had the best of things in life. This personality trait is something my wife grew up with and unfortunately is very similar.

So, as I thought about it more on a long trip yesterday it became clear to me. My wife was unable to find happiness in our marriage and decided to look elsewhere for it. Once she did it, it seems, even then she wasnt happy. But, the catch is, rather than cutting loose that which she finds doesnt make her happy, she lets us stick around so she can have all her options. She could have cut me loose after the first time she was with OM, but kept me around for some reason. And after it started to be less good with OM, she kept him around even with his obsessive and demanding ways.

Rather than focus on the A which Ive gotten all the info I need, Im going to focus on her inability to find happiness and the choices she makes while searching for it. THERE, my friends, is the help my beautiful wife needs help.

We did have a great time this weekend. No fighting, no AOs, only honesty, we spoke of the A a little and how low it makes her feel, we had a rare moment tears, and i told her how much it means to see her be emotional about it.

I spoke to our friend who I mentioned earlier in the blog who has been a impartial asset to me and my wife about the happiness thing and she totally agreed. She went to college with my wife and knows all about it. I told her that I cannot/will not spend the rest of my life with someone who no ability to find happiness in what she has. Its a terrible way to live. Its not fair to me to have to live thinking no matter what I do (or unable to do) she cannot find the good things in it. And, to make matters worse, our 11 yo daughter is picking up this quality too.

Hey Mike,

Sounds like things are going very well for you.

Wanted to mention something that was key for Mrs.Flint which your FWW may have in common with her.

Mrs.Flint had seemed unhappy for years before her A and when asked what was the matter she would reply that really nothing was wrong...

Because she didn't know what was wrong.

What was wrong was that she suffered from depression and would try to self medicate with everything from thrill seeking DANGEROUS horseback rides to the self gratifying DANGEROUS affair with my ex-brother.

The key in ALL of it was to somehow take herself away from the pain of the chronic depression of feeling not good enough and the not having a REASON for it.

Because there wasn't an EMOTIONAL reason for it...

BUT...

There was a PHYSICAL reason for it.

What we found was the FIRST anti-depressant didn't work and we didn't know that you have to keep TRYING different ones til you find the one that works with YOUR body...

There is a VERY good one that just came out called PRISTIQ.

It would be worth while for you to read up a little on depression and see if it fits what happened to your FWW and if so to schedule a dr. visit.

It made a HUGE difference for us.

God bless.

Jim

I will speak to her more about the AD. She took herself off the Zoloft a few weeks back by her own choice. But, you may be right, she may need to find something that meets her needs.

Here's a case in point about my wife's negativity/unhappiness and the fact that she doesnt even see it: we drove nearly 3 hrs back from our weekend away directly to a party at my cousin's house. Our kids were there and after a wonderful weekend where we had great meals, great alone time, great relaxation, wine tasting, and all the things a couple in our situation needed. My cousin, who knows nothing about the A, just knows we needed a getaway asked my wife how was your weekend? Instead of "it was fantastic because of x, y, or z," , my FWW answers "oh, it just took us 3 hours to get here". Nothing about sitting around the pool and drinking and enjoy children free time. Nothing about the casino where we had an awesome meal. Nothing about the how nice it was be together without children for a extended period.

The level of negativity Ive lived with is almost at the point where I dont want to be around it much longer. I told her the answer she gave my cousin is a major problem we have. And, I did not want to threaten her, but I did tell I wont put up with much longer. Fifteen years minus 5-6 or even 7 I spent sharing her with someone else is not convincing me enough its worth it.

When she has this lousy attitude that she shares with people I consider very positive, I start to lost some of the feelings Ive been having since dday. I felt sorry for her. I feel she was being used by OM and was stuck. (whether true or not)

I hate to say it, but I sometime feel she doesnt deserve me and my children.

Mike,

I REALLY think that a talk with her dr. would be a great idea because it sounds A LOT like Mrs.Flint who found no JOY in ANYTHING before the depression was corrected.

A point to remember is that if it was a relationship problem with YOU alone she would have probably already left.

Mrs.Flint knew it wasn't that and that is why she didn't leave me.

It had NOTHING to do with me and she knew it.

It was a chronic soul destroying sadness that they wake up with and go to bed with EVERY day.

Please go with her to the dr. and let her describe her symptoms and see what he says BEFORE you make any decisions about the survivability of your M.

Before the depression was corrected I was not hopeful about our chances but the CHANGE in Mrs.Flint was dramatic after about three weeks of starting the meds.

She started to see JOY in things that she had never had before...

and HOPE for our M.

Give it a try, Mike.

Jim

Mike,

Unfortunately, she has developed really bad habits. One of those habits that FWS have developed is minimizing they good times they have with their spouses. They do it because it was required to keep OP around during the A. Part of the baggage that accompanies A's. Look at it as an opportunity to talk and teach. She has to retrain herself on many points of life because she practiced bad habits for many many years. With love, patience and gentle words, you can teach her how to properly talk and respond without changing her base personality. remember that pearl that you said she was? It's covered in muck. This is a bit more muck you have to wipe away so she can be polished.

CV

ITA with CV
Bad habits you guys need to address
Bad thought patterns she needs to see