I�ve read the Basic concepts and the Policy. Really valuable information based on a lot of experience. Generally, I can say that my idea of marriage is roughly the same, but of course I am a human and I err, but I also say that if you realize your mistakes and try to repair them, you can forgive, your family can forgive and the God can. Only not my husband.I am trying to be fair: we both did our best in these 20 years and we are both very hard working people. Only, I am "normally" hard working and he is "extremely" hard working and his standards and expectations are too high for me and the kids (girl 14, boy 18).
Our everyday life was filled with fears "would this please him": meals, my housework, kids�school, garden etc. What I am going to state now is not an insult, but my conclusion based on experience: not only he is a control freak, he is a macho and a mama�s boy - in a way that he is genetically like his mom, trying to get work, order and discipline in his life, including us. Even love belongs to order and discipline, not to emotions.
Where I failed in my opinion: I really cannot find a way to communicate with him in a reasonable manner, he interprets my discussions as a rebellion.
Where I failed in his opinion: everywhere, let me mention some typical patterns of our life:
1.My parents (especially my mom) "destroyed" our children and our marriage. The facts: there was a time when we needed them to look after our kids and he initiated to ask them. In my opinion they made several minor typical grandparents� mistakes (trying to tolerate things we don�t or give them sweets when was not necessary), but they always reacted to my remarks and "obeyed".
2. I should always know without asking or previous phone call what my husband would like to eat, like a good wife should. I "inherited" him as a choosy eater. Above this: he works very hard and has a lot of stress at work, his father died of a stomach cancer, so he needs to be careful with meals. He isn�t because he won�t eat healthy meals, he always criticizes in extremely rude and irrational (one day it is too much salt, the other it is not enough) manner.
3. This he has never said out loud, but it is screaming from his actions: he would like me to be his mom in a way that I should be here for him around the clock. He subconsciously doesn�t agree with my working, although he knows that we could not live on one salary. I pay the bills, I buy everything for the household and the kids and the amount of food we waste (because we dont�t eat anything for supper or the next day - when it is possible, and everything for the house should not be the cheapest thing...)prevents me from saving anything. His salary is accumulating, he does use it for big investments in the house and garden and he helps with some seasonal shoppings.
I am aware that we both think that the other one does not value enough the things he or I have done, but I am not asking for rewards, just for normal human communication without insults ("stupid, sleezy, incapable")and with "That was good" instead "Yeees, that WAS good, but...")
He wants constant praise for his acts.
I know I make mistakes, he doesn�t know or admit that he makes them, too. I never gloat, he does.
Behind us is a time of silent tolerance. I knew it will burst out in the fire and it did last night: he said many ugly words, I said that I can�t take it any more and that he should leave. I know that is the last thing one should say, it is against my beliefs, but I really could not take it any more.
A month ago I talked with his older sister who understood me and was ready to explain him the situation from the woman�s point of view, but this did not help much.
I know there are many people out there with the similar experience. I�m not asking for a recipe but would just like to exchange experiences. This might help me to think in a sane manner. Call me an idiot, but I do not want this marriage to end, I am still not going to give up
B.V.

You are not an idiot, your are someone willing to try to make things better between the two of you.
You should read up on the basic concepts and what we call here as Plan A, you can do it alone for a period of time and see if it makes any difference. Don't expect anything back for a while, you two have to learn to connect again emotionally and you have to learn to communicate, it's not about being right or having it your way, it's about comprimise and wanting to do things for your spouse out of love and respect.
Your husband has to learn to accept you for who you are and not for who he wants you to be..........
I think after last night's fight that if he left it might be good thing, he needs to feel what it would be like without you and his family in his life, sometimes they don't realize what they have until they lose it, sometimes they don't see their own actions may have caused some of the turmoil in the marriage until they are forced to see themselves for who they really are, this happened to my husband, he actually had an affair I gave him his walking papers and then it came to a head for him what he had contributed to the destruction of the marriage........
he had one foot out the door before he came to his senses. He has changed and so can your husband, right now I think you need to lead this marriage and do a solid Plan A and see if he eventually responds...........
your husband sounds a lot like mine was...........
successful, smart men don't necessarily know what to do to have a good marriage, it is a learned process as well, but you have to put the effort into it like anything else they do.................we have also been married for over 20 years.
good luck, get yourself a plan and take control ............you can be the stronger one and carry this marriage by yourself for now, you need to be the hero.......
jessi

Thank you for your support. I certainly am going to reread the things I�ve read only once (it�s a bit messy within my head right now). Basically, I am not interested in who is wrong and who is right, but when you are under constant pressure, it is inevitable that you imitate the wrong pattern.
It seems that I have to play the role of a hero, but that�s not what it should be, I want to be more or less normal woman, wife and mom, not the martyr. Men are such masters of complication. I am a mother of a future man, but I hope that right now he is learning how to respect a woman.
Branka

branka,

You will only have to play that role of hero for a while, when your husband sees the benefit and feels the love from you he will respond, he has to he will enjoy the time together again and he will fall in love all over again, and then you can be a happy wife and mother.....in every marriage one of you has to carry the other for one reason or another this is your turn, your husband is to far gone right now.....
get in the driver's seat and take control, don't hold back be the wife you have always wanted to be, say the things you want to say, he might reject you so what just keep trying, one day at a time.......give yourself 6 months and if he still isn't interested sit him down and tell him you have tried but you can't seem to break through to him and that maybe it is time to go your separate ways, 20 years is worth a big effort from you............
might be just you for a while, it takes time to turn these marriages around.......
show your son what a fighter is all about, show him what forgiveness and commitment are..............
this is a win win for your whole family.......and it starts with you..