I feel extremely guilty when I think of my pain, when my daughter should be the most important thing on my mind. When I think about her, my problems seem pale in comparison. Every time I redirect my thoughts back to her, I send her an I Love You text. I don't think she ever tires of them.

Of course its normal!

It is quite a traumatic thing to go through!

The other stuff going on with other people you love doesn't make it less traumatic and unfortunately it can eclipse all other emotions.

You love your child and can't help that you have this huge thing to deal with in conjunction with her trauma.

...if you had a broken arm and someone
else had a broken leg, which one of you needs care? (Both!)

MJ you have answered your own question. You are still in shock. What have you read about post traumatic stress disorder? You have to be kind and gentle to yourself. The pain really does fade and you will know you are the other side when you are grateful to the latest OW for getting you out of what was a really bad place. It was someone on MB who pointed this out to me. You are still at the stage of being angry. Give it time.

Just as L_T_A said MJ.

PTSD is a very common thing that happens to us all, but here many of the injured understand it as it relates to adultry crap.

I am depressed, but thats just because my anger is turned inward, and my misguided passion for loving a very messed up woman has nothing to focus on anymore. All during her issues, I worked while being sick myself, because thats what I had to do, physically ill or not, someone had to be the adult.

But its surprising what you can get used to, and now my life has changed, and I am filling it with new things, slowly but surely. No running out to "fix", anything, because I know theres nothing to fix really, just my POV and maintain what is allready good.

With what is happening with DD, you are bound to be numb, but this too shall pass. Just keep doing the positive activities and being around good supportive friends, in time, yeah i know, crappy time, you will feel better, and its is because you are doing better also.

Count yourself lucky that he is gone and someone elses problem now, and you can concentrate on DD without his interferance, and just hang in there, let the shock fade, and do as much rich and fufilling activities as you can, between reflections.

(((MJ)))

This.

When I first found out about my now XH's affair and got him out of the house I was definitely in shock. I went from 138 pounds to 112 pounds in about 6 weeks! I couldn't eat. My neighbor all but spoon fed me during that time or I think I might have died. However, at some point within about 3 months, I made the decision that I had to survive because a)I wanted to go on and have a happylife and b)my son needed/needs me.

So I took definite steps. I rested a lot, I laid out at my neighbor's pool nearly every day, I read for fun. Eventually I gained some weight back. I focused on my son.

I wish I had not stopped exercising during that time.....still haven't got back to running after 2 years! And I wish I had focused more on my spirituality and giving to others.

Just a few thots for you to toss around.

Thanks Reading. I was just wondering if I should be further along in my healing, so good to hear you feel it's all normal.

Thank you very much nESRE. There's comfort in that.



That made me smile. Thanks for that.



Same here. I know how difficult it can be to just put one foot in front of the other, mindlessly. Sorry you have to experience this too. Having others share their experience hleps me to feel more normal.





I do. I just wished that this heaviness would just go away so I can enjoy life to the fullest. I'm trying....



Yeah. I definitely feel thrown off. Letting go of the role of his wife has it's good points, and bad points. My new role is to just be a loving individual. I can do that. Even though I'm not directly loving my stbx, I am indirectly loving him by taking care of the woman, and the kids, he claimed to love before.



During our FR, stbx admitted to not having empathy for me, but he could for other people. Maybe it's because I demanded the change we both needed, and he resented me for that.





About 15 yrs ago, when stbx started AA, and quit drinking, he made a list of amends he needed to do. I was not included in that list, and he had cheated on me prior to that. I suppose he wasn't, and isn't, working the program since he left out the one person he did so much damage to with his addiction. What a fake he is.



Not exactly. I'm trying to forgive them for selfish reasons. If they heal, maybe she will stop feeding off my husband, and vice versa. Maybe they will make amends to me. Either way, I win.



It did. Thank you. I really like hearing from you because you've been working the program, and have insight into an alcoholic's mind.

Thank you for that Raindown.

Yeah, I guess I did. I keep forgetting that PTSD is REAL. Here's one side effect of PTSD from Wikipedia....should've known....

C: Persistent avoidance and emotional numbing. This involves a sufficient level of:

avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma, such as certain thoughts or feelings, or talking about the event(s);
avoidance of behaviors, places, or people that might lead to distressing memories;
inability to recall major parts of the trauma(s), or decreased involvement in significant life activities;
decreased capacity (down to complete inability) to feel certain feelings;
an expectation that one's future will be somehow constrained in ways not normal to other people.

*End of Wiki article. You can find the whole article here....

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ptsd

I have everyone of the symptoms of PTSD. I do need to be kind to myself while I heal.



Funny....I felt that way about my first wayward husband's affair partner, whom he has been married to ever since. Only their marriage is not good. Not good at all. I have the inside scoop on that. He is still very much wayward.

I suppose that one day I feel the same again about my present husband and his adultery partner. In some ways, I do feel that way already.


Yes, my anger is turned inward though.

Thank you for your insight.

Have to go back to work now. Will finish responding later today, I hope. I have another appointment with my attorney in a few minutes, then plans from 5:30-9:30pm tonight. It's going to be a looong day.

Thank you to all who helped me today. It did help.

I really can't expound on what Dr H said here, it is so true. I found that after my W stopped drinking, she hadn't changed what made her tick, her need for life to be the way she wanted it, and the fact that she would "hold her breath till she turned blue and make everybody sorry" if she didn't get it. Most everything she did was a form of manipulation, and when she was called on it from Church freinds or anybody else, she would lose them quickly.

Its no surprise that someone who also was quick to say, "how tough thier life was", was the one who got her into heavy drugs in the end. Yes misery loves company. That woman is on the street hooking now and was allways jealous of my wives looks, and when Wife was straight, and counseling her, trying to be her "Savior" by showing her the promises of God, how she told me at one time later,"I never got the whole God thing anyways".

Late W allways had a connection to people who felt sorry for themselves, and understood thier bitterness issues, because she had them also, and had not purged them from herself as a source of motivation completely. Even though warned by people who knew her, W would spend time with this dipwad, and when the time was right, the snake struck. But I can't blame her for W being a target either, and it was within her that she related to this girl. Even when she was counselling her, it was about someday having a house, controlling her husband, and showing everybody who had ever hurt her she won. Without those things W had nothing to offer this girl, if she could only have seen it was all that the girl wanted anyways. Maybe it would have helped her too. And yeah, I told her many times, let her work it out and let God have his way, you aren't Jesus.

But that was her whole purpose, and she would hold her breath untill she turned blue, as we would nurse her back to health over and over again, forgiving her, giving her a place to live, and she would go right back to where she was. Oh it was "Gods work" dontcha know, I guess that is where I love the saying, "God save us from our would be saviors", being alone with God seems to be working for me, I don't need thier interpetation of what God wants me to do as much as how much God loves me. " If you loved me you would get me a house, plastic surgery and take care of all my issues with my past family, and......." Yeah, and as soon as there was a little more money around, she started doing drugs, DAy-um.

So I went on again sorry MJ. If you can see that STBXH's mental and emotional issues and thier effect on you will fade in time, as his issues are not in your face anymore, you can see that you will have to give it time. You are remaining active, doing healthy things, seeing a therapist, believing in the promises of God,(They are real), and taking time to relax, meditate, and empty your mind right? Don't stop until you've chased all the ghosts away. You don't have anything to prove to God, he loves you right where you are.

STBXH had issues and would not change what he wanted and fight fair. NeRse hit the nail on the head, they have no empathy for others. Sympathy they have, for themselves or others like them, because they understand that, but Empathy requires us to get outside of ourselves, and more emotional maturity.

Thanks for this post Nerse, it helped me also to set some things clear. Trying to MAKE myself forgive for years was foolish, I wont do that again.

Hi MJ, I haven't been on here in a little while, but I've been catching up with your thread and wanted to let you know that you and your daughter are both in my prayers.

There are so many wonderful people here and some of the things they've said to you are so heartwarming and loving that it makes me glad that I found my way here, even though the reason for coming was not anything I would have wished.

I especially like CP's comment

Even though I have a lot to deal with these days, I keep in front of me these same ideas. Things DO get better, and the images in the rear-view mirror continue to get smaller and smaller, until they are no longer visible to us.

Thx Fred missed you but glad you are busy. God Bless.

I wish it was the "earning a living" kind of busy, CP, but I'll update on my thread when I have news to report.

End of t/j

I'm truly sorry I haven't responded to all the thoughtful posts.

I've been busy, depressed, physically and emotionally hurting. I think all of the upset I feel over the abandonment, the new OW in my H's life and they're sleeping together, to the divorce, and lately...the fight over the finances, I think I've become physically ill.

I'm having problems with the house as well. Specifically a large plumbing problem. Today, when I informed stbx about it, he offered to take over the house if I left. Great. He can sleep with the other woman in my house.

The thought of me staying here is mixed. I do not want to leave my home, but at the same time it's way more house than I need. I don't want a roomate. Yet, I don't want him to carry on his affair either. Soon....I'm sure I won't give a hoot what he does with her, or where he does it. The lovebank has been draining non stop. I honestly think I just have this capacity for love and compassion, that I can love even him, even in the slightest. Some day, it'll be nice to share that with someone who it won't be wasted on.

Ok...BIG NEWS.

I was working on my last post, almost finished with it, when I received a phone call from none other than stbx's OW's husband. I was on the phone with him for a little over a 1/2 hr I believe, maybe longer.

A few months ago, when I found out about the OW, I started trying to contact her husband, to find out if they were divorced, or separated, or what, because I couldn't find any divorce papers in any of the county records here. I had no idea if he was another BH just sitting at home wondering why his marriage was falling apart. At that time, I couldn't locate a number for him, and I gave up, because I had given up on the marriage too. But for some strange reason, out of the blue, I put his name into the google toolbar again today, and found him, right away. I left a message on his answering machine at work, and he called me back just a little while ago.

I told him about this site, he may come here at some point. It sounded like he was interested in it. I do not know if it was a good thing to tell him or not, because they are separated, and divorcing I found out, and BH and OW are still "friends", and he cares for her still, is my impression.

I guess it doesn't really matter if he finds me here. When I exposed my serial cheating husband to the OW, I gave her the link to my story here. I knew she wasn't going to want to listen to me, so I gave her the link. I never would have done that if I had wanted to fight for this marriage. I wanted to warn OW about stbx. Bassackwards I know, but I wished that someone had told me my stbx was cheating on me before I married him. I wanted to warn her. Sure, I'll admit that it wouldn't have bothered me in the slightest if my exposure broke up their affair, I welcomed it, but that would have just been icing on the cake.

Of course, through the OW's husband, I found out that when I exposed to her kids and her, stbx told OW that I was just being "mean and vindictive". I bet stbx felt that way. We all know how waywards react, by demonizing the spouse, when they're exposed. They will say anything to justify their behavior. When I exposed to her kids, the son gave my exposure note to his dad, the BH. The BH told OW about it. Apparently OW told stbx about it, and that's when stbx started demonizing me. OW told BH, "that stbx is changed man". Hahahaha.....really? Is that why he's having an affair with her?

Since stbx was cheating on his past gfs before me, was cheating on me EARLY into our dating, during our engagement, and many times throughout the marriage, (which I didn't find out about until d-year), I don't think stbx can "blame me" for his cheating. I think I was able to get that point across to BH.

OW is so enamored by stbx's narcissistic charms, that she must be completely in denial thinking that stbx loves her so much, he won't cheat on her! lol....and I guarantee you that stbx probably thinks he's so in lurve with OW, that he won't cheat on her either. Lol...yeah he's a changed man alright.

BH seems to think they're marriage failed for other reasons, which he gave me, but I won't share here, out of respect for BH. But what I find EXTREMELY INTERESTING is that the OW and my stbx moved out of our houses at the SAME TIME. BH and I have been under the impression that they met at the new agey church. Now I wonder. Stbx has studying that A.C.I.M. book for the past two years. He could have possibly met her, and they found that church TOGETHER. Who knows. Seems a little too coincidental for me. I think I'd like to know the real story, but it won't really change anything for me, except to confirm my suspicions, since stbx had been distant for awhile, again, before he left this last time.


A few months ago, when I found out about the OW, I started trying to contact her husband, to find out if they were divorced, or separted, or what, because I couldn't find any divorce papers in any of the county records here. I had no idea if he was another BH just sitting at home wondering why his marriage was falling apart.

BH and I are having drinks soon. He sounds like a really nice guy.

Hey MJ,
I know just how you feel. I too think I have that capacity, and I still love my idiot wife. No surprise though, after I stayed for so long.

Just know yourself, and knowing that about yourself is a great thing, and in the future it is certain you will have the right person to share that with.

But remember, what you are describing is a gift, that you have for yourself first, as a connection to what love is, and you do not have to worry, it will not go away, and you don't have to prove it either. You are fine alone as your will be with someone, and as you have learned, who that someone is will be someone who earns it also.

I am sure you are going through something today, and with all that is going on lately, it is bound to wear on you. It could have something to do with your emotions, and could make you sick. Can you go visit DD or you DS and put your head on thier lap? No need to talk or worry them, just get some comfort from their presence?

Or read the good book, something comforting, simple and not to challanging. Or meditate untill your mind is empty and you fall asleep.

This is probably a reaction to your love bank being emptied, and being so used to loving someone, and feeling lost. In my case it resulted in a lost of passion for just about anything, depression, reason for work, yup, I became a basket case. Its not right, or fair, to me or anyone, but its something I have to deal with in time, and time works wonders.

Now as far as your stbxh wanting to move in, Hah! Cold day in He11! Give yourself some time to think about it, and consider a single girl, seriuos good colledge student as a roomie, or talk to a rental agent to see if they can help you.

Now about the plumbing, your screwed, lol. Nah just get DS to look at it and handle it.

Hang in there MJ us MB peoples are gonna have a par-tay someday and all encourage each other. Cooper, REO, and any other retro bands allowed.

Well lol, problem solved