It has been 7 years since I have been on the board... Little history... My wife had an emotion affair after 14 years of marriage with our pastors son. She hated me for uncovering the issues. She wanted no part in counseling or trying to work it out even though we had 3 kids. I moved out for 9 months while she tried to figure herself out and had to move back in due to finances. We what I called cohabitated until early 2010 and my youngest went to school. During the several year cohabitation she went out every weekend and partied and left me home with the kids to die of rejection fear wondering where she was who she was with and what guy was hitting on her and who she was dating. Needless to say I never slept had constant nightmares lost weight I didn't have to loose etc. She then got a job and moved out saying it was over that she could not live like this anymore(feb2010). She within weeks had a boyfriend. So that was my answer. I had been hurt enough stood at the line enough had spent enough on my counselor that if she was done I was done and let her go. Weeks later met a friend from high school and long story short we are in love. To clarify both my wife and I moved on and started new relationships. Both very happy with our new sig others even though we never divorced on paper because of logistics of house ins etc. Back up top date now. A few months ago my new sig other asked me to take care of div after several talks about it over the year and I felt it time to deal with it. Talked to wife and she said to do what I have to do and see a lawyer and sent her the info. I did that and she flipped out and said she would not divorce me. I thing I passed out! She then told me she wanted to work it out for the children and that no woman should be around her children and God never intended it to be this way. I was hit like a ton of bricks.

What do I do?
I am so lost!
I love my girlfriend of over a year and have few if any issues besides whats stemmed from not having the divorce done quick enough.
I feel truly loved respected pursued etc. Happier than I have been in 7 years and probably many more years before that.

Need some thoughts and prayers!

I was going to lead off with a circumstancial question. But after typing it out, I realized it was asinine.

File. Period.


Your [STBX]W has had her cake for what, 9 years? I'm might even extend that, to say you have both had your cake. Though you obviously sat in A LOT of pain for many years. That is why she is saying no. The same way a 3 year old gets upset when you take his toys away at bedtime, after playing with them all day.

The time to let this woman abuse you is OVER. Walk. Sorry to be so blunt, but I think you already knew the answer.

Good luck, and welcome back. Sorry to hear your tale. We're all here in it too, so keep us updated and keep asking questions.

I am so torn... I feel like I am letting God and my Kids down. I feel like I am taking the only chance away from them to have a complete family now that she says she wants to work it out and I don't. This is what I asked for over the years and she is using all the same reasons I told her we should stay together against me. She says I am being selfish and not looking at the kids future and focusing on my unrealistic relationship I have now. Am I putting my temperary happiness over my kids future?

My girlfriend is so hurt she doesn't want to talk to me. She says she would KNOW she wanted me and do whatever it took.

So now I am alone not wanting to sign up for another tour of hurting rejection insecurity distrust and my girlfriend that i love dearly is running down the road...

I am not able to function.

It feels like the infidelity all over again... no sleeping no eating my mind spinning...

I feel foolish to even consider staying and giving one more chance but I don't know how to say no and have her unstand I just want to be happy and I am not trying to hurt her and the kids.

Where's her bf now? Did they recently break up? Like between the time you asked and she said file, and her getting the information and changing her mind?

Much as I believe in the marriage vows, I do not like cheaters, and especially do not like seriel cheaters, since I was married to two of them. I was in your shoes for far too many years. I vote file, ASAP.

Why do I feel that way? These two lines:



I know from my own situation, there is no way in the world my stbxh could EVER be transparent enough to make me feel safe in the marriage again. Not to mention just the thought of SF with him makes me now. And it used to be so good.

What ages are the kids and who has them? How long have you been married?

The kids are 7 10 and 12. Whe have been married for 18 years. She says she is happy with other man but she has a check about a divorce and the kids. She is leaving him for a time for us to see go to counseling to see if they think it is worth a shot knowing where we are both at... needless to say neither of the other people are happy. This is hard for all of us. I just dont want to make the same mistake twice and try to fix my situation myself and not wait for God to show me the way. But all are hurting now and nothing is happening quick enough for me and all involved.

The situation you are in at this moment leads to no success with wife or girlfriend.

The only way to make yourself happy and your kids healthy is if you are healthy.

The relationship you built with your girlfriend is built on a false foundation. There is no future with her because you cannot build a lasting relationship with her as long as you are in a renter's mind.



If you want to have an amazing relationship with a woman then there are several steps you need.

1) Divorce the Wife

a) Live by yourself for at least a year or two after the divorce and heal yourself.
b) Once you have established yourself on your own then you are healthy enough to date.

2) If you don't want a divorce, then you and your wife need to establish that both want to build romantic love. This would mean you need to live under the same roof, get counseling with the Harleys, and then make sure you have a plan.

The present state of your life WILL doom all relationships you enter. You are not a heathy man, and you need to become one in order to find the happiness you and your children deserve.

Tough!

Run for the lawyer and court ASAP! She is leaving him to see if you two have a chance? Bad enough she cheated on you, now she's willing to cheat on him WITH you? Oh heck no. Why even THINK about this? It's a no brainer in my mind.

DO NOT LET HER MOVE BACK IN until you KNOW without a doubt you want to work on this, by counseling with the Harleys and both being 200% on board with MB. PERIOD. I agree with Tough, except the move in part. That needs to wait, it does nothing but bring up MAJOR for me, with the information you have given.

Why? This:


You said financial reasons had you two living together again before, that tells me there is financial reasons behind her new "motivation".

And This:


What did the lawyer say? This would verify if what I'm thinking is possible for her "motivation". Who gets what? I imagine it did not go in her favor, hence flipping out. Again, new "motivation".

And This:


For the children? Bull crap. IF this was "for the children" she never would have had the EA in the first place. No woman should be around her children? What about no other MAN being around them? That must be ok to her?

You did not say who has custody of the kids now...does the other parent see the kids, and how often? I'm assuming there is support for the children being paid?

Here's what I'm thinking. You have been married 18 years. 20 years in most states (no clue what state you live in) puts spousal support at a permanent status until remarriage or death, and that of course, is dependant upon the situation. Who had the financial issues that caused you to move back in? Bet it was her. Do you pay her anything now? I'm also assuming you have the insurance coverage?

I'm willing to bet this boils down to her financial future. I could be wrong, and I am sure anyone who follows my posts probably thinks, wow, NSZ thinks all woman are gold diggers and she's doing the same thing herself, pot meet kettle. I think I will update my own post with my reasons here, since I do feel strongly about this kind of thing. I started to add it here, but that's just a bit too much TJ'ing.

I hope I'm wrong, I really do, because the only thing lower than a spouse who finds "motivation" due to money issues is a cheater.

IF you decide to give this another chance, which I think is a wild goose chase considering she is willing to leave OM "for a time", then don't go to just any marriage counselor, go straight to the Harleys. BEFORE letting her move back in. You'll find out soon enough if this even has half a chance, which I'm sorry, but if I'm right about the financials, it doesn't.

To make it work you would both have to go NC with the OM/OW for LIFE, most likely have to move, change jobs, etc and counsel with the Harleys, have FULL transparency with each other, and follow this plan step by step without any deviation from it.

I really doubt you can do this without the Harleys, and I don't believe she is willing to go the full route. Leaving the OM 'for a time', bull crap.

Am I close? Or batting a million miles away?

Neither on of us is living with other people. We have our own places. We split the kids 50/50. I went to the lawyer to ask them if what we had kinda agreed on would fly in court. The financial reasons were both of ours. Wanted to make a fair decision for both and not just give the farm away to my ex... she felt guilty and we were working out.

She and I told our sig others that we needed time to pray and seek counsel about this situition. I feel like I am failing the kids and god and she has finally figured that what i said for years was true. Now I fell like i am being guilt tripped... How do I know the difference between guilt trip and conviction?

When I moved out and had to move back in it was all on my dime I was paying for everything and she was stay at home. I couldnt afford to stay out longer thats why I moved back in and we were just roomates at that point... i tried but all for not.

My biggest problem is that I am in love with another woman who would give the world for me and I am hurting her beyond belief.

I am so sad fearful angry lonely etc I feel I have nowhere to go... you can only see your counselor so many times when he is busy...

whynow, if you choose to try to save this, please, make sure you council with Steve Harley. Don't settle for less. You might also consider sending Joyce an email with this situation and see if you can get an answer on the radio broadcast. That might be a great place to start actually.

Is your wife familiar with MB and willing to go this route? If she is familiar, she should know what's in store for you both.

The other woman, yes, that is a problem. That is just one reason they say to wait until the divorce is final before even thinking about finding someone new. I'm sorry you are in this boat, I feel your pain in your response.

Guilt trips are a form of manipulation after all, to make one do what the other wants. Don't make any rash decisions. I wish you luck either way.

[[[SHUDDER]]]

This is my worst nightmare come true.

I'm sorry, but I couldn't put myself through this; it's too masochistic for me.

This *is* Marriage Builders, so I'm not going to try to dissuade you (much). I wish you all the best. But steel yourself for even more trauma and anguish. That's my bet!

hey fred, I responded to that over on your thread, didn't want to t/j here.

Another shining example of why seperated people should not date.

You wanted to date that bad then you should of gotten divorced.

There is a reason why the cart is not in front of the horse.

Not saying what your WW did was ok, or that it's wrong for you to want to divorce. You always have to clean up the current mess before your move onto the next mess.

And not only does it speak poorly for you being married and dating, it reflects poorly on awoman willing to date a married man.

You need to get your women picker fixed as well.

Edit to add: If your going to try then you need to call and do this with that Harley's. Also I would move so that you and the WW and OM are far enough away to make breaking NC too dificult to attempt.

sounds like my wife..correction, ex wife!
i went thro something similar, minus the kids.

we broke up, she came back, we broke up again, I filed!