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Originally Posted By: MrWondering
Originally Posted By: stillhere8126
I hate my life!



That's what I mean...


It's time for a change. THIS time in your life has run it's course. It won't be fun or pretty extracting yourself from it and there will likely be days you long for the comfort of inaction but better days are ahead.

plenty of people get divorced that can't afford it. You'll overcome it and you'll accomplish it.

You can do it. You will do it and you will make it.

Mr. W




Yeah, I know...how can I expect things to change if I dont do anything to change them....


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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But I really didnt hate my life until this stuff started up....It was really going okay and I was looking forward to spending more time with DS in the summer...then my WH just couldnt just let son and I be...he had to stir it all up again...but I cant live my life anymore always waiting for the other shoe to drop....i guess I just have to make it drop myself.


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
Joined: Mar 2011
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((((((still))))))) I read your whole thread last night, a lot of it, in tears. So much of it is my life at different stages it's down right spooky.

You have got to stop torturing yourself, you will never get better until you do.

Did I read you are in Mass? If so, Adultery IS a ground for divorce, so get to a lawyer pronto. From what I was just reading on Mass divorce laws, you have a pretty good case there for a nice settlement on your side, while ugly for him.

This time you are letting WH pick up your son on a whim has GOT TO STOP! That's looking too good on your WH's side.

To give you an idea of the laws in your state (if it is Mass), this is just one link.

http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/statedivorcelaws/a/mass_laws.htm

Just wanted to let you know I'm watching and rooting for you! Been in your shoes, it's a ugly place to be. The NC with WH WILL help you get better FAR faster! Please, get an IM and toss the cell phone just to get away from the text abilitiy. Just don't turn around and call then. Watch what you do text, as that can be used in court most likely (not sure).


I am 52, stbxh is 46
One child together 15 DD
2 (mine) from 1st marriage, 26 dd and 28 ds.
Married Dec 94
Separated Oct 09
Too many D-Days to list. (EA/Cyber affairs)
He filed no fault 3-2011 I countered with grounds.
Court date set for June 6, 2011 for Final Decree and was continued.
That ticked him off, he is now fighting for custody.
Lawyers are expensive, my daughter is worth every penny.
Even the ones I have to borrow.
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Thank you NSZ....Yeah I am in Mass...thanx for the link...I guess I gotta start fighting.


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 233
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Originally Posted By: stillhere8126
Yeah...May be in some sick way, its for me to stay in touch with him....IDK....after all of the fighting this past few days...I actually texted my WH that the fridge starting making ice...he is the one that did everything to try to get it to work last year and I thought he would get a kick out of it...he did...he texted me back..

Its almost like we both have alternate personalities....I myself know that I separate the good guy from the bad guy...like the person I texted this morning about the ice...is not the same person that I fought with the past two days.....I dont know if that is my coping mechanism or what? IDK...

For me I did do a good Plan B for a while, but I just cant let go...its sick.


Still,

Keep this in mind. THIS JERK OF A WS IS NOT YOUR FRIEND!!! Everything you say to him, he's going to most likely be holding over your head, so STOP THE CONTACT NOW!!! Cold turkey hun, just go cold turkey. Turn the cell phone off and stick it in a drawer someplace, hard to get to. NC!

Are you still seeing docs for the depression? That depression is a real butt kicker, omg, I never EVER want to go back to those years of my life. EVER. Going NC with my stbxh is what finally got me to the point of climbing out of that pool of swirling black water that had sucked me in for far too many years.


I am 52, stbxh is 46
One child together 15 DD
2 (mine) from 1st marriage, 26 dd and 28 ds.
Married Dec 94
Separated Oct 09
Too many D-Days to list. (EA/Cyber affairs)
He filed no fault 3-2011 I countered with grounds.
Court date set for June 6, 2011 for Final Decree and was continued.
That ticked him off, he is now fighting for custody.
Lawyers are expensive, my daughter is worth every penny.
Even the ones I have to borrow.
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Posts: 2,617
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Okay...cell phone away.....Yeah, I am going to therapy and I am on meds...IDK how the heck I would be without them. WH is definitly not my friend, you are right. I need to let go.

My brain hurts and my heart...what a mess.


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
Joined: Jan 2008
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Originally Posted By: stillhere8126
Yeah...May be in some sick way, its for me to stay in touch with him....IDK.

I work with a good christian I/C who was directly under Dr. H for 5 years and it is in it own way sick. I went through a cycle or circle for way too long.

We as the BS get a "Hit off the crackpipe" also from exactly this. Its our way to stay connected with a person who is sick and teats us badly. We get to feel needed just from that one hit and then wait for the next one while they go back to doing what we found unacceptable (A cr@p waywardness) and don't think twice about it.

We take left overs and seconds.

I think Fred From VA had on his siggy for a while and I hope I quote it right "Why treat someone like a priority when they treat you like an option?"


...after all of the fighting this past few days...I actually texted my WH that the fridge starting making ice...he is the one that did everything to try to get it to work last year and I thought he would get a kick out of it...he did...he texted me back..

Its almost like we both have alternate personalities....I myself know that I separate the good guy from the bad guy...like the person I texted this morning about the ice...is not the same person that I fought with the past two days.....I dont know if that is my coping mechanism or what? IDK...

May be. Have you ever read the book Co-dependant No More by Melanie Beatie? The book isn't just for alkys or drug addicts. It applies to all types of relationships. The MAIN ONE is with OURSELVES.

For me I did do a good Plan B for a while, but I just cant let go...its sick.

My alcoholic WW xW broke clean through mine just like a bulldozer. Still is. OFP hearing this tuesday. Am I the sick one? Should I chose to keep letting her stay in my life in any way shape or form then yes.



Trust that the right decision will come to you and you will know when the peace settles in and you are not fighting it. You can have a better life for you and your son. Hint-That peace may come when you take action for yourself to protect yourself and take action in your own best intrest. It may sound selfish right now but in the end who else will take care of you in your own best intrest?

Scotty and Mr.W are giving good advice to consider and in my time here I know I have never seen them steer anyone in the wrong direction.

Take some time and consider "Whats in Stills best intrest here". Maybe make a list so you can see it in black and white.

nESRE

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Hun, it WILL get better, just stay NC!!! Have the docs look at the dosage on your meds, let them know the shoe is about to drop and you need the bit of extra umph to get past it, and you will.

I had to survive my depression without meds, for various reasons, I went thru six and could not take any of them for the reactions. It was a rough time, and still living in the house, midst of a MS relapse, and being gaslighted to hell and back, and I survived, YOU CAN TOO!!!! Trust me, you will survive, but it won't be an easy ride, and you have GOT to stay NC.

go to divorcecare.com and sign up for their daily emails. I'm not an overly religious person, but I am finding a ton of good stuff in those emails.


I am 52, stbxh is 46
One child together 15 DD
2 (mine) from 1st marriage, 26 dd and 28 ds.
Married Dec 94
Separated Oct 09
Too many D-Days to list. (EA/Cyber affairs)
He filed no fault 3-2011 I countered with grounds.
Court date set for June 6, 2011 for Final Decree and was continued.
That ticked him off, he is now fighting for custody.
Lawyers are expensive, my daughter is worth every penny.
Even the ones I have to borrow.
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617
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Thanks guys....you Mbers are helping me more than you could now...I do have to start thinking of myself a little more and not in pity but in actions....I know I have to get this a@@ out of my life for good....becuz this just isnt working at all...I am really not getting too much better and it is most likely from me continuing talking to him like he is my friend...when in actuality he is the one causing me all the pain and doesnt really care...

I am still in disbelief that this is my life and i think its almost been four years since Dday...I thought by know I would be in a so much better place...but I need to do more work to get there...I have to face that it will most likely get worse before it gets better...and I am just so not prepared for that.


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 233
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Joined: Mar 2011
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Originally Posted By: stillhere8126
Thanks guys....you Mbers are helping me more than you could now...I do have to start thinking of myself a little more and not in pity but in actions....I know I have to get this a@@ out of my life for good....becuz this just isnt working at all...I am really not getting too much better and it is most likely from me continuing talking to him like he is my friend...when in actuality he is the one causing me all the pain and doesnt really care...

I am still in disbelief that this is my life and i think its almost been four years since Dday...I thought by know I would be in a so much better place...but I need to do more work to get there...I have to face that it will most likely get worse before it gets better...and I am just so not prepared for that.


hug

it is EXACTLY because you are continuing to talk to him. Remember, he is NOT YOUR FRIEND!!! Get you a pack of post it notes, write it on a sticky note and stick it to your phone, so it's what you see when you answer or pick up that phone. Stick on on your bathroom mirror, your pillow, your closet door, everywhere you need to, post a note to remind you, HE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND!!! Take more notes, write I LOVE ME! and post those everywhere. The more you read this stuff, the faster it will sink in and take a firm hold in your mind, and from your mind, into your heart.

Would you continue beating the same nail if your hammer kept missing the nail and hit your thumb? I don't think so, yet you continue beating your heart with that hammer every time you contact your WscumH. Time to drop the hammer on him now.

Still...

maybe if I post the current status of my divorce, it will help 'wake you up' to the possiblities. Unfortunately, this is not ending so good on my side, then again, it might be the wake up call you need. I'll come back when I post it for the link.

It might get worse before it gets better, for most of us, it does temporarily, but honestly? It's easier to climb back up after that temporary slide.

One thing I found that REALLY helped me a LOT when I was so angry at stbxh is instead of texting as I used to do? I found a friend willing to be the sounding board for me. I sent them the messages I wanted to send dimwit. This friend took that info, with the whole box of salt at some points, and replied back with the most common sense I've heard in my entire life!

I don't have any close female friends, and haven't since the night I came to from a drunk passed out state to find my first XH screwing my best friend on the floor not five feet away from me. Just don't trust females after that, especially since the only one after I tried to trust ended up being the last known OW in that marriage, call me gun shy. So yes, this friend is a male, and a strong one to take some of the crap I've sent in heated emails while angry at this dimwit I'm divorcing now.

I look back over those emails and wow am I glad I did not send those to dimwit. See if you can find someone willing to do that for you!

I'm going to ask you some very hard questions now. Think about it. Answer honestly. You don't have to answer here, but at least answer honestly to yourself.

Are you 100% honest with your therapists? Do you tell him/her EVERYTHING? Even without being prompted? Are you holding ANYTHING back from them that is bothering you? No matter how small? Do they hold you accountable for what you say you are doing to help yourself?

If ANY of those answers not where they should be, then look for a new therapist you can be 100% honest and upfront with. I did that the hard way, not being fully honest with my first one. Found one I could be and wow was it a life changing thing.

I've given you a lot to think about in a short time, going to go post an update and give you time to think.

hug

I'm on your side here.


I am 52, stbxh is 46
One child together 15 DD
2 (mine) from 1st marriage, 26 dd and 28 ds.
Married Dec 94
Separated Oct 09
Too many D-Days to list. (EA/Cyber affairs)
He filed no fault 3-2011 I countered with grounds.
Court date set for June 6, 2011 for Final Decree and was continued.
That ticked him off, he is now fighting for custody.
Lawyers are expensive, my daughter is worth every penny.
Even the ones I have to borrow.
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Hey stilly,

The way I see it is BOTH of you are getting just enough of a fix of each other for him to continue his A and for you to continue stuck in the same place. It is TIME my dear for change. Get an attorney, try to keep OW from your DS but ACCEPT that you may not be able to do so. It is time for stilly to have a real life and I recommend as the others have for you to go NC for life with the wayward alien being. You can only protect your DS so much and it may very well be that, like Scotty, you will need to be the safe landing spot when he comes home from being exposed to the homewrecking wh0re.


Faith

me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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Yeah...I am totally honest with my therapist....Last meeting I actually told her she was wasting her time with me I am hopeless...but she wont give up on me....she said I showed up and was honest and that was enough for now for me to move forward...

I will be stuck here forever if I dont do the hard stuff...I just hope I am strong enough to go through this again...after all the crap he has put ds and I through he just keeps slinging it and getting his way....its just so unfair that this just keeps going on and on...I have to stop it.

He is not my friend...
He is not my friend...


I just know that if wayward forces DS to see OW against his will...I will be climbing the walls at home....he is willing to hurt our son and pay for lawyers just so OW can have contact..it just makes no sense to me at all....except that I know the adulterers are selfish...oh well...let the games begin.


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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The stronger you are, the better you will be able to deal with all the crap your WH will fling at you. The best way to get stronger is to STOP ALL CONTACT WITH YOUR WH. Go dark, and in no time, you will find that strength to get through this.

It' crazy what the WS's will do to everyone around them. They are very destructive and will take down anyone and anything in their path. GET OUTTA THE WAY.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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