Hi Chick

I have one of those too. Working on it.....eg I am talking about something, he listens, (I know cos he can recite all I have said back to me) then starts another topic or makes a comment about the cats or similar. when I then say it would be good if he could respond.....I am working on saying I love it when.... but thats hard when I want a response!!

Engineers....stunning.

He does try very hard, just doesn't quite get it! Doesn't see the need and HHH is right, he often says he doesn't know, cos he doesn't!

It is a guy thing, when you ask what they are thinking, my H often says nothing...........I have come to realise thats the truth, there is nothing, or if there is it's often planning the next project rather than emotions.

He says he just doesn't have the words!

we had a bit of discussion on expressing feelings, he said wow if i just said what i was feeling it would be so much easier. then he wrote it down on the list!!!

the phone drama is finally over and it too the whole day to fix ( he even installed google latitude on his own phone). so i said i was just frustrated that this consumed us and i would love it it you did something special for me. one hour later he was consumed in the phone drama again. so i told him. he was so pissed at himself that i told him exactly what i needed and he got sidetracked.

planning our vacation, a road trip! 1 week in the car exploring! looking forward to some down time together- any suggestions for where to stay on PEI? we are doing maine then to PEI-

thoughts?

Hey, have fun on the trip!

We drove to Maine one summer several years ago, had a good time seeing the area. Most of the coastal towns looked like they were straight out of the movies, really neat places up there.

The best parts were when we weren't on the interstate, just taking the back roads with only a general idea of where we were going.

I am also new to this forum so I cannot offer the advice that more experienced members are offering.

I noticed in your signature that you described your husband as a "serial cheater, big time" - so this "lady" in the bar was not a first time thing.

My best friend is married to someone she once described as a serial cheater. He slept with countless women while he dated her, and while broken up and dating someone else continued to sleep with countless women, including seducing my friend back into his bed. Essentially, his girlfriend who he had cheated on my friend with eventually became the cheat-ee when he went back to my friend while dating the other girl!

He is an alcoholic and has bipolar. Until a year ago, he refused to deal with either problems until my friend tried to divorce him. He is now on lithium and has been "normal" since October 2010.

Why does your husband cheat? Is he truly sorry or is he just sorry enough to keep you in his life before it's safe to strike again?

If he is serious he needs to offer full disclosure and have you involved in his interactions with this woman. He also better plan on being 100% accountible to you.

tweety,

You obviously haven't read the thread because the questions you asked have already been answered.

Her H had affairs for the same reason other people have affairs: Because he wasn't taking ExtraOrdinary Precautions to prevent one.

He has implemented them to her satisfaction and they are fully working the MB program.

--------------------------------

Btw, chicka, your trip is something I've always wanted to do! I think we're in the same region of the country. You're gonna have a great time!!!

thanks for clarifying susie. that threw me for a loop.


god i hope we dont get bored and kill each other! the only movies with those maine coast town have some type of incident.....

susie- is that you next door>????

i am beging to rethink PEI- its like 15 hours, and that doesnt include NY,CT and boston traffic. so any maine suggestions would be helpful.

I've been to Kennebunkport in the last few years and it was beautiful, and I believe there is outlet shopping there as well...

Also have heard great things about Bar Harbor but not sure if I have ever been there, maybe as a child but I don't remember...

If you are passing through Boston, are you going to a Red Sox game? There is something very special about Fenway Park... I highly recommend experiencing it at least once if possible

Would you be surprised if I told you I tend to do the same thing, and I am not an engineer?

There are a couple of things I would like to relay here.

First, there is the fact that women tend to be more verbally expressive than men.

My wife can tell me about her day, and an action as simple (to me) as walking 10 feet to pick up a bag of cookies can be an hour long, epic adventure story. No detail in the environment will be left out - the level and color of the lighting, condition of the floor, placement of the cookies... how good the sign looks.

For me? "I bought a bag of cookies."

Now, think back. She's telling me about her day... and this single action just sucked up a good chunk of attention time. Without warning, on to the next action! An academic dissertation on check stand etiquette! Hooray!

Me? "The checker was slow, and some jerk was in the 9 item line with a full cart."

Then the adventure shifts to the journey to the car, the teenagers in the parking lot listening to their music loud while standing by the car, the little old lady parking, this wicked sports car that drove through...

Me: "I got in the car."

The details of the drive home... etc etc (I'm running out of gas even typing)...

Me: "I came Home."


The level of detail, the level of expressiveness is... skewed. All of that detail, every little nuance is an event, an important piece of information to her. For me? Just the facts. Cookies. Checkstand. Car. Home. (What a caveman!)

This is just simple communication of a days events.


I'll tell you what happens to me; I get lost, and my eyes glaze over somewhere during the cookie buying event, I miss the transitions, and somewhere in there... my brain goes *poof.*

What? Don't you love your wife, HHH? Don't you respect her? Don't you care about how her day was?

Yeah, of course I do. But, I'm driven by simple details, and further explanation is usually only required for larger events.


It can happen in reverse, too. If your H started talking about something that you weren't necessarily excited about, at a certain point you kind of "tune out."

Huh? I'm sorry, I missed that.

So, when this little bit about communication was passed on, it totally made sense to me;

When you have this type of verbally expressive imbalance, the approach for general communication (how was your day?) is this; he will give you his attention for a full 5 minutes, and you will not give him a full presentation on the history of packaging cookies.


Whew! That took some time!


Ok, now... next step.

Think about two needs here; the basic EN Conversation, and the intimate EN, intimate conversation.

Compare and contrast those to two other EN's - the EN of Affection, and the intimate EN of SF.

When it comes to AF and SF, many people could not see one preceding without the other.

Well, one can think of C as the "foreplay" to IC.

Start simple; Hey, how was your day.

Build up; Say how your day went.

Progress; filling in details

And arrive; The impact of the meeting, circumstance, etc...

Ease into the heavier emotional portion.


aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand.... out of ideas for now.

Don't you have to have a passport now to cross into Canada?

Rockport was a neat town, kind of touristy, wife wanted to shop as there's some clothing manufacturers up there. Our destination was Deer Isle, but the whole area was scenic with lots of little towns and lighthouses and things.

I remember there was a restaurant with a sign advertising Cheap lobster, hot beer, lousy food and bad service. No idea where it was, just on some dippy road in the middle of nowhere. We passed, but, in hindsight, maybe we should have stopped.

Hope you have fun!

susie - no stoping in boston first BJ there.. where it all started , been to the park - i agree spectacular- but a trigger- big dig and all. shame. drive thru with eyes closed! bar harbor is the first stop! odd vacation for us, we are used to the islands.

this ruined alot of things/areas for us at this time maybe this will change in the future. lots ofb tiggers

hhh- - caveman-( you are NOT!) ha ---that i have thoughts on this .... are you still there or did i loose you, 3 clicks on the internet looses a client. food eat sleep, i get it. i am so glad you posted and took the time to think and express. - details are very important to a woman- and esp. if they are the BW. - i will be back on this!

north - please ask you wife = where is Cheap lobster, hot beer, lousy food and bad service, i have to go! i dont like seafood but the new me will try it all. shocking to H, he doesnt know what to expect. i am googling it but a near by town would help. passport no problem-- but may throw him off a cliff - really kidding.

Almost positive it was a place called Maggie's on Deer Isle going toward Stonington. We didn't stop there, just had a good laugh at the sign out front. We were so impressed with the scenery of that part of the country, just a different world from where we live. That was in, wow, 1999 or 2000.

If you're not a big seafood fan, you might skip the whole lobster and just order a tail...less mess and work.

Geez...this is making me hungry. If it swim/swam/swum in the ocean, I'd probably eat it!

bottom crawlers... but this is a new me in a way i will try it. i took him out for dinner and ordered something i would never get and his mouth dropped, so we will try. he realized he may have missed things about me.

seems that sign is a popular over the bar sign, but i think you are right about maggies it was the first one i found.

the whole trip is baffeling him, he cannot understand why i would suggest we drive and go to some small towns with nothing. not like me

a week after this mess i went out and bought a bike, i figured i better get it while things were joint! havent touched it, we are bringing it. better start.

havent done our dignostic this week and i can see that its getting me down. i keep checking, and thats annoying, its almost like an addiction. then my mind wonders, what about another phone...... is that normal. everything is transparent yes, but what happends if.... blah blah - i need a hobby.

When the poo-storm started, I gave up gaming for 9 months. Games had become what I spent my time doing, since my wife had shown me I wasn't... hmmmm... necessary.

So, that was in Feb of '10. In November, I was coming down to a point where I had neither school nor work to keep me busy, so I started gaming again.

However, this time it was just while she was at work, and I went to have lunch with her every day.

I get that feeling, Chica... maddening, eh?

very maddening! i think this has become my hobby. dont get me wrong, i really dont have not alot of free time. work 50+ hours have alot of work realted events...but i should be much more productive at work, this whole situation sidetracked me for a bit and i have to get refocused and motivated and not obsessed!

i guess thats the best way to explain it.

should probably look into more certifications (did a class online) - but the last time i did that H was out screwing around so it doesnt make me feel great about that i was trying to make us better and he wasnt.

i know its all still new, take time, have patience, i get that but the type A side fights that...

ok happy weekend to all. I just finished a marathon reading of "leadership and self-deception" wow, wow, wow- great book.

I think schoolbus recommended it to another poster and i got to think that it would be good for H to read given that he may behave in this manner, so i bought it for him. he hasnt gotten to it bc he is reading every other Harley book again. so i picked it up thinking that this wont apply to me. Well what an eye opener for me and anyone. So thank you Schoolbus and anyone that recommends it to anyone. ( i hope i didnt dis anyone who may have recommened before - to you i am also grateful)

Yep, I get what you're saying especially the work impact. It's kind of strange getting out of fight mode when that's all you've been doing for so long.

So shift gears, have a good trip and enjoy doing nothing for a while.

I need to get some thoughts on my current situation

My H and I have been actively working the MB program, and coaching with Jennifer. He is completely transparent with everything, following all the EP�s and no LB, 20+ hours a week, great RA and SF. And we have been getting along great. vaction in 2 weeks.

He tricked truthed me for 2+mos. One was a stalker and we had to file a C& D letter, Baby momma broke NC with an email, which was ignored then discussed with DSS. The others are all strangers and even he doesn�t know names.

Given the situation, his multiple affairs, indiscretions and one with baby momma, I am triggered by everything. He is not doing anything to trigger me it�s just everything around me. For example could be a day 6 months ago when he wasn�t there to help me pick out a counter. It could be a stranger that asks me for directions.

He covered up his affairs with work names and associations, so any time a work event come up, I am triggered.

I also have this terrible gut about baby momma and her inability to follow the NC. She just won�t I know it. Also when DSS get married, then what? It�s always going to be an issue forever. I also don�t tthink that stalker will let it go, the day they met is looming so I am expecting it�..

The magnitudes of his past actions are overwhelming. I honestly told him, if it were one person than I would know what I was dealing with, there are so many that it could come at me at all angles � I am sorry I am having a hard time verbalizing this. It�s like being robbed by one person, or being robbed by a gang. (Probably a very bad analogy)

He has offered to quit and move. He really is doing everything to try to make this work, is there something else he should be doing that could help me with this?

He is devastated that I am going thru this and I am beginning to get pissed at myself for letting this make me weak. He can only assure me on the way he would respond if any contact was made, but it still would be contact. And I don�t think I could handle that.

I am very overwhelmed every day with the thoughts and the checking on him. I don�t like the person this is making me. and that just during the day.

intereting that other are recently posting on this maybe its in the air.

This looks to be the only external factor that you can really control (since you cannot control the stalker or "baby momma").

While quitting his job would probably help, would a change of geography help as well?

It's something to chew over. In my case, my wife quitting her job was a requirement and I still get triggered anytime the name of that company comes up--which is very rare. I could only imagine if she still worked there. It's a load-off to not have her working there, though, and I'd highly recommend it if his job is causing some of the triggers. The financial cost was pretty high, but I kind of knew that there was no longer an "easy" solution.

Chickadee, your DDay is about 3 months after mine. I don't have to have external triggers to have a thought about the adultery get into my head. It just appears. I hate it, too. When the thoughts start up, I have to remind myself to think of the present. We go over H�s EPs every single month. We have put into our lives together transparency, integrated lifestyle, POJA.

Your FWH sounds much like mine--very remorseful, wishes he could redo his life without the adultery, willing to do whatever it takes for the marriage to recover. The most valuable thing my H does is that he is persistently AND consistently gentle and reassuring. I think after nine months of seeing this maybe I finally believe him, although I'm still a bit wary, with a wait and see attitude.

Give yourself time. Discovering adultery in one's marriage is always a terrible shock, and it takes the mind a good while to heal from the wound. Keep in mind that recovery is a journey that takes a minimum of two years and could take up to five. Time is our enemy right now, but later, it will be our friend.

A move could be a good idea, if you and he believe that is what it will take. A fresh start in a new area...We HAD to move with my H's company and in a way it's been a good way to help turn things around and rebuild without the distractions of the previous place. But if your H doesn't run into any of the OWs where you are, give it a few months more and then talk it over again.