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Take this time to make your plan.

Send an email to attorney or have it written out concisely (saves time and money). Even if your state court will not care have your attorney send a letter to cease and desist. Make the attorney use we statements (As we want what is best for our children).

You are doing well even though you don't think so. Stay strong and continue to be a shining example for your children.

Blssings


Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09

Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
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Originally Posted by hope3343
Take this time to make your plan.

Send an email to attorney or have it written out concisely (saves time and money). Even if your state court will not care have your attorney send a letter to cease and desist. Make the attorney use we statements (As we want what is best for our children).

You are doing well even though you don't think so. Stay strong and continue to be a shining example for your children.

Blssings

Great advice Hope. Mehr, puhleaze listen to this.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Get and go after them mehr.

One other thing, STOP THINKING YOU ARE POWERLESS and that there is some special magic your wh has.

ALSO YOU DO NOT EVEN KNOW WHERE WH LIVES. How normal is that? How normal is it that you send your kids off to stay for a weekend with a man shacking up with a strange woman and you don't know where this house is???? THAT MUST STOP TOO.

Pull your head out of the sand sweetie. WHO CARES IF HE HAS A MORTGAGE, THAT DOES NOT STOP THE FACT HE HAS TO PAY CS AND HE HAS TO DO IT NOW. That mortgage is new. Who cares. YOUR KIDS LIVE WITH YOU and he must pay up. Who cares what he SPENDS, his CS is based on what he ACTUALLY EARNS. In fact, if he marries ow, his income would increase if she works, and you should then ask for MORE CS.

You get AGGRESSIVE. Seriously. You got this crazy wh living WHO KNOWS WHERE with an aggressive and vile OW who has TOUCHED THE NAKED BODIES OF YOUR KIDS, and they are trying to dictate how it's gonna be to you.

Time to pull up big girl panties AND GO AFTER THEM. Legally hunt them down like targets right now, for it's the wayward you're after and the ow, not your H. He's NOT your husband right now, so understand that.

One day if he ever pulls his head outta his butt, he will thank you for that!

Again:
1)GO AFTER FULL CUSTODY. Have the lawyer send the letter (insert lots of "we" language as the other poster wisely suggested) and saY that NO OVERNIGHT VISITORS OF OPPOSITE SEX IN HOUSEHOLD FROM 8 PM TO 8 AM WHEN CHILDREN ARE ON VISITATION and also that there should be NO BATHING OR TOUCHING OF THE CHILDREN BY THE OTHER WOMAN, who is NOT A FAMILY MEMBER.

Also in the letter, you and attny demand THAT YOU BE TOLD OF THE EXACT ADDRESS OF THE OW'S HOME AND WHERE WH IS RESIDING. This will not fly in the court. And you as a good mother CANNOT ALLOW TO SEND YOUR KIDS TO A PLACE YOU DO NOT KNOW IS SAFE, OR WHERE IT IS IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY. Again pull your head outta the sand for that.

2)get the lawyer to have ow investigated and it might reveal a huge reason why the mystery surrounding WHY YOUR WH WON'T REVEAL WHO SHE IS OR WHERE SHE LIVES. That crap has to stop.

3)PURSUE NOW THE ALIENATION OF AFFECTION LAWSUIT. She is touching your kids, bathing them, trying to play mommy and SHE is the reason why your wh left home. SLAP HER DOWN with that and TAKE HER $. That will be a good life lesson to the wench. It might help her get out of her fog. Help the skank out, sue her!


Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don't believe is right. ~Jane Goodall
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I will call him on Monday.....

I just got a letter in the mail today saying that we have a court date set for August 11th-- legal separation and temporary support.

Last edited by mehr; 06/25/11 05:34 PM.

Married 1/2000.
D-Day 3/7/11. WH moved in with OW and they married in 2013.
Single mom of 4.

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Hey Mehr,

I was thinking about something today. I know raising these four babies is absolutely exhausting. I admit I struggle daily, and I cannot even imagine what will happen to my WH when he has them as a single dad. I know for him his reality is going to be completely warped, and I know POSOW will not make it.

I was thinking about your WH. I wouldn't doubt he is feeling overwhelmed by four kids, job, responsibilities, etc. Part of me wonders if he snapped. I know you say she has her own three kids, so there are seven total. Well Mehr this has been happening for only three months now. Barely any time to really get the full picture. I say that because I am now single mom with four babies for almost eleven months now.

I am absolutely exhausted.

Get yourself healthy. Show you WH (if you still want him) that you can kick butt as a single mom, college student, etc.

This POSOW will not last. I know for myself as a very strong mom and amazing single mom; I can barely get it today.

Their affair will die sooner rather than later. He hasn't begun to see the crap on the wall with her yet. Soon he will. A woman cannot manage seven kids for long. Her true colors will show through and she will fail miserably trying to raise both.

You have the upper hand because you are an awesome single mom. Let him see that, and don't let them rain on your parade.

She is double bathing them already because she cannot manage the time, and is struggling. I double bath because of it. It makes my life easier. I am up at 0600 and I head to bed at 2100 with craziness all day.

It takes a special woman to handle these small babies. That POSOW doesn't have it.

Give it time and you will see it all come crashing down.

Tough~

Last edited by itistoughlove; 06/25/11 07:37 PM.
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Originally Posted by itistoughlove
I was thinking about your WH. I wouldn't doubt he is feeling overwhelmed by four kids, job, responsibilities, etc. Part of me wonders if he snapped.

I've thought of this.... he probably did. What's really bad is I have felt so tired and stressed out since #4's birth, I needed his support and received none.... neither of us had anything to give each other.... enter sleasy other woman.

I think God wants me to wait. I think stepparents are not ideal and being in a second marriage brings stress as well. With him committing to a house (I assume, I don't know if he signed the lease or just her) I'm thinking this means its going to be a long haul wait to even see if they make it or not.

So sad, so stressed...


Married 1/2000.
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The key is you don't want to make unnecessary Love Bank withdrawals. Frankly, a BS's ability to breathe is a $LB withdrawal, yet I still highly recommend breathing anyway.

What you want to avoid (no matter how justified) are things like angry outbursts, breaking Plan B of course if you're in it, name-calling of either WH or OW...anything that you do that wouldn't be classy and Christlike.

Some withdrawals are unavoidable. Expecting a WS to pay CS may withdraw love units, but there's nothing that can or should be done about that. Fighting aggressively for child safety or custody, ditto.

One example, after I had put up with weeks of all 3 of our children crying themselves to sleep EVERY NIGHT because their daddy wasn't home, and they were used to him being there, and no matter how hard I tried to be upbeat and cheerful I couldn't console them, I finally told AJ what they were going through.

He was furious. He blew up at me. He accused me of using the children against him, and said that SHE had predicted that eventually I would get desperate enough to do just that in order to try and hold on to him.

Should I have failed to tell him important facts about the reality of his own life? Absolutely not. In fact there were a whole bunch of things I should have told him, in hindsight. smile One hilarious thing is even if the kids had ever been exposed to her, I wouldn't have had to ask for a background check. AJ had already run one on her, since he was working as a PI at the time. rotflmao

So avoid the withdrawals you can, and combine fearlessness and tactfulness with the ones that must be done. Do it as nicely as possible, while still being blunt enough to be understood.

At whatever point he has his head inversion, he will thank you for being strong when he was weak.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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Originally Posted by Neak
The key is you don't want to make unnecessary Love Bank withdrawals. Frankly, a BS's ability to breathe is a $LB withdrawal, yet I still highly recommend breathing anyway.

What you want to avoid (no matter how justified) are things like angry outbursts, breaking Plan B of course if you're in it, name-calling of either WH or OW...anything that you do that wouldn't be classy and Christlike.

Some withdrawals are unavoidable. Expecting a WS to pay CS may withdraw love units, but there's nothing that can or should be done about that. Fighting aggressively for child safety or custody, ditto.

One example, after I had put up with weeks of all 3 of our children crying themselves to sleep EVERY NIGHT because their daddy wasn't home, and they were used to him being there, and no matter how hard I tried to be upbeat and cheerful I couldn't console them, I finally told AJ what they were going through.

He was furious. He blew up at me. He accused me of using the children against him, and said that SHE had predicted that eventually I would get desperate enough to do just that in order to try and hold on to him.

Should I have failed to tell him important facts about the reality of his own life? Absolutely not. In fact there were a whole bunch of things I should have told him, in hindsight. smile One hilarious thing is even if the kids had ever been exposed to her, I wouldn't have had to ask for a background check. AJ had already run one on her, since he was working as a PI at the time. rotflmao

So avoid the withdrawals you can, and combine fearlessness and tactfulness with the ones that must be done. Do it as nicely as possible, while still being blunt enough to be understood.

At whatever point he has his head inversion, he will thank you for being strong when he was weak.

Oh good, I AM doing this. I am trying to find a way to keep the kids away from her. I do send messages telling him that I am NOT okay with the kids bathing with non family members because it is not safe, and when I figured out that they had moved today, I asked my IM to tell him I need his address so I know where the kids will be. If I don't get that address, I won't be letting him have the kids again unless the lawyer says that it would really hurt me. I need that address. I can't just not know where my kids are. I don't even know what town they live in now.

I haven't yet found a way to keep the kids from her, BUT, I do NOT think I am putting my head in the sand or being a pushover. I am being as strong as I can, but given that he's filed that I am keeping the kids from him, I am super glad I wasn't any more aggressive than I was about it because I have documented all of it and I did not keep the kids from him even while stating how this is affecting the kids.

He doesn't liek hearing how it is affecting the kids either. I've told his dad too so his dad could talk to him, an his dad said he won't call him back. Of course not. But he needs to hear it. Our 4 year old is having the hardest time.

Last edited by mehr; 06/25/11 10:35 PM.

Married 1/2000.
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Still, get it into the court documents that your children don't get nekkid with strange people. Or strangers. It needs to be in black and white, even if you live in a state that won't keep OW from overnights.

I just want to really encourage you here, both to carry on being strong with anything regarding the children, and with holding onto hope. Your M still has a chance, and only time will tell how it will turn out. It just isn't possible to predict at this point.

Don't dwell on it, or waste time speculating, since you're in Plan B, but don't give up on it, either.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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Originally Posted by Neak
I just want to really encourage you here, both to carry on being strong with anything regarding the children, and with holding onto hope. Your M still has a chance, and only time will tell how it will turn out. It just isn't possible to predict at this point.

Don't dwell on it, or waste time speculating, since you're in Plan B, but don't give up on it, either.

Thank you for saying this. I really need to know that its too early to know and that there might be hope.

This is all still surreal to me. You are right that I need to avoid dwelling on it... I really need more brain food... I hope it gets easier not to dwell on it soon, I find it takes too much of my brain power still, everyday, wondering and worrying and praying for him. The praying can stay. I just pray every time it comes to mind right now which is way too stinking much. Its no wonder my anxiety is so high.


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The last couple days have been better for me, maybe the antidepressant is starting to work. Its been about 3 weeks.

Our marriage was never perfect, but I didn't consider just leaving him because our kids deserve better than a broken family. I remember asking him though to work on some things and he would say "its not that bad"... he wasn't much for really connecting and improving things, but I am always interested in improving things. So I am starting to look back and see, well, if he doesn't come back... maybe I can find someone who is a little more interested in the relationship... or maybe if WH comes back, he will finally be interested. There were things WH did that were not right, he was not the perfect husband. I wasn't the perfect wife though, either. I just was COMMITTED to our marriage for both faith reasons and because of our children.

I am discouraged because I called my lawyer yesterday (Monday) at noon and its been 24 hours and I haven't gotten a call back yet. WH has already sent a message to IM asking when he can get the kids on Saturday and Sunday, but I don't want to respond until I hear from my lawyer...



Married 1/2000.
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So I got ahold of the lawyer today, and he said that the courts won't care about the bathing issue, but that it is entirely reasonable to refuse him visitation until he gives me the address where he is taking the kids. So I told WH that he couldn't take the kids there until I had the address and he finally gave up the address... it is a few blocks from one of my good friends. Now I know why he didn't want to give it up.

I HATE this powerless feeling, and everything he is doing with the kids (taking them to his rutting lair) and the fact that he isn't financially supporting us at all has Plan B draining my lovebank instead of freezing it. I feel quite a bit of animosity towards my husband.

The other woman wants to be me. She was pressuring him to get a house with her way back in March. I'm sure he got a house and filed for divorce just to prove to her his "committment."

I hate them both right now.


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Originally Posted by mehr
I hate them both right now.

Me too.

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Mehr --

Your lawyer is a [censored]. Your kids NAKED with a STRANGER is a BIG BIG deal.

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I do not agree with your attorney.

Your attorney could at least send a letter independently requesting "in the best interest of the children right now" that your WH cease bringing the children around the OW. Mention the words - stress, confusion, poor sleeping habits etc.

Include that you want to take the children to therapy (which I am sure they do need being exposed to this) and want your WH to pay for all counseling costs. Even though legally it is not worth the weight of the paper it might make both of them think twice about what they are doing.

You are legally M and your children should not be exposed to this situation. It is confusing to the children that their Dad moves out and a strange women is there. This is not how a responsible father would introduce a new woman into his children's lives.


blessings.


Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09

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This is my SECOND attorney..... maybe my state or area just stinks when it comes to cheating fools.


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I do think that having IM mention the kids need to see a counselor and he will be billed for the cost involved is a good idea.

Start inquiring around for a good recommendation, the pediatrician should have a list and input.

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Mehr,

Find a counseling service with sliding scale payments for children. We have 2 or 3 here that are Christian based. Have a counselor talk to the children and the impact this is having on them. Get a recommendation from the counselor and give to your attorney and he can sent it out to your WH. You don't have to go through court to get this approved.

When I was going through the D and "not cooperating" XH attorney would send letters threatening me with compliance blah blah blah. It was just a show and had no value in court but more of to get me to "play nice".

Since you do not know anything about this woman tell your attorney that you want a "criminal check" on her since she is bathing your children.


Good luck.



Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09

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August 11th is the court date for legal separation and Support.... I have to make it until then.

This is the end of another two days where my husband had the kids and the other woman and they all had fun together. These are family times... it shoudl be mommy, daddy and the kids. Not "other woman" and my family. I am being replaced.

Last night I took the kids to fireworks with my parents. My little girl lay there on the grass and said she saw a star and she must wish on the star! then I heard her wish "I wish I wish daddy would come home"

Oh baby girl... me too...


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((((mehr))))

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