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#2525500 07/05/11 10:09 AM
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It has been a little over 2 months since D Day, and I am wondering if WW is still in the fog? She thinks that I am in denial over how serious it was with POSOM, and that one day I will wake up and realize this and then she thinks I will pack up and hit the road. I told her that if it was so great and they were meant to be together, then why was she not with him? She makes up excuses and blames herself for ruining things when WW exposed to OMW...when this happened POSOM chose his BW and pretty much put all of the blame onto WW, at least to his BW, his kids and to me when we spoke on the phone.

WW finally admits that if he really felt the way he said about her, then how could he betray her like he did and throw her under the bus and make it look this was all her doing (to his wife and kids). But then she said that he has to �hate her�, otherwise he would have to accept that WW is not such a bad person and then accept some of the responsibility as well.

Do any of the BS�s out there have any advice for getting WW out of the fog, or is it something that time has to do? The A lasted about a year and a half, and they have known each other for about three and a half years (they used to be our neighbors).

WW says that she is trying to work on "us". We are still together at this time. I am just lost some days and not sure what to do...especially after listening to some of her babble. But, I think I bring this onto myself because WW never brings up the topic, it is always me in some way or another.


Me: (43) FWH/BH
Her: (44) FBW/WW
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs
DD's 13 and 9
D Day: 4/28/11
NC: 6/2/11
PA 1-1/2 yrs...WW exposed to OMW on 4/28/11
Joined: Jan 2011
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Welcome to the club no one wants to join!

The vets will be along soon with proper advice, hang on in there.

FWIW I do think provided you have followed the steps:

Exposed properly....as in to everyone, family, friends etc
Do you have the truth, as much detail as you want?
Done EN questionnaire
Got good EP's in place


Read lots and get her to read too (my WH won't look at this stuff but does agree with the concepts, just won't talk)

Then I guess fog dispersal is a time thing and goes quicker if you are getting your UA time in. (Which is essential 20+ hours a week)

I know little, you need Mel or the other vets on your case!!


There is no magic wand, just hard work.

Listen to the vets, follow their advice

Last edited by Tanam; 07/05/11 10:27 AM. Reason: poor grammar

Me 50
WH 52
WH in A 6 yrs in total, last 5 yrs JGF (Not!)
DD final 1.12.10
NC letter sent 3.12.10

Working at being the best I can be, the rest is up to you.

He is still a plonker, but he is my plonker!
Tanam #2525509 07/05/11 10:40 AM
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Thanks Tanam,

I have gotten lots of good advice from the vets on here and it really has helped...especially knowing that others have gone through this and come out of it stronger.

WW is not ready to start reading, but she is starting to listen to what I have to say about what I have read on here. She still is in the stage where she thinks her A was "unique" and no one else could possibly understand. She also spews the same stuff that I have read on here that every wayward spews...almost to the letter.


Me: (43) FWH/BH
Her: (44) FBW/WW
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs
DD's 13 and 9
D Day: 4/28/11
NC: 6/2/11
PA 1-1/2 yrs...WW exposed to OMW on 4/28/11
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,888
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Jack, get the book Surviving An Affair. In it, Dr. Harley profiles the entire "lifecyle" of an affair, from its inception to recovery.

Time is, of course, necessary. But you both need to be working on recovery and not sliding backwards. If you're not going forward, you're in danger of a false recovery or worse.

I also suggest you take some time and listen to the (free) Marriage Builders Radio Archive. You may wish to also consider counseling with the MB staff.

This forum is a terrific place to learn from others just like you (and me). But understand that it's simply one component of Dr. Harley's more than 40 years of experience and practice in this field, and if you want expert advice, consult the expert!


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
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Keep to one thread please. Can you ask the mods to combine this with you other thread? Thanks

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Okay...I have looked all over but I cannot figure out how to contact the mods?


Me: (43) FWH/BH
Her: (44) FBW/WW
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs
DD's 13 and 9
D Day: 4/28/11
NC: 6/2/11
PA 1-1/2 yrs...WW exposed to OMW on 4/28/11
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 581
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Hit one of the notify buttons on the bottom of one of your posts


Me -BS 40
Him - FWH 34 (dtl)
3 D-Days from 12/25/10 to 01/06/11
NC - 01/09/11
02/20/12 done beating my head on that wall.
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 518
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Threads have been linked at poster's request.

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So it has been about 2 1/2 months since D-Day. There is NC between WW and OM, but she is still unsure about our future together. We are still living in the same house, but she mentioned that maybe she needs time apart to "miss me". She is looking for a job, and she is aware that if we separate it will be at least three or four months after she finds a job before it will be financially feasible.

Since I left three years ago, she is not 100% convinced that I won't leave again, especially now that she has had an A. She also says that she feels like everyone lets her down (me three years ago).

Should I be acting like I am in Plan A for the next few months so that she sees I am starting to meet her EN's? During that time I will also be preparing for Plan B?

It is hard to figure out exactly what is going on as I think she is still somewhat foggy...although not as much as in the beginning.


Me: (43) FWH/BH
Her: (44) FBW/WW
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs
DD's 13 and 9
D Day: 4/28/11
NC: 6/2/11
PA 1-1/2 yrs...WW exposed to OMW on 4/28/11
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by jackinthebox
Am i still in Plan A or recovery? Seems like i should be in Plan A.

Hi jackinthebox, there seems to be some confusion about the purpose of Plan A. It is to negotiate the end of the affair. When the affair ends, it is time for recovery. I haven't read your whole thread, but in general this is how you want to approach it: Set her down and explain to her that you want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and that you are willing to give her a chance to earn your forgiveness. Tell her you won�t stay in a loveless marriage. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take to keep you interested:

1. no more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle

2. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc

3. no more opposite sex friendships

4. complete honesty about her affair � passing a polygraph if necessary to earn your trust

5. commit to a program of recovery that restores the romantic love in your marriage

Tell her "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage." Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on her willingness and ability to make radical changes. Her lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. She is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe. She must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now he has failed. Unless she makes a 180 degree turn in his approach to what it means to be a wife, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage.

You are at a critical fork in the road in your marriage and having no plan is a plan is to fail. You can't afford to do nothing and hope she wakes up. You have to raise the bar and make sure she lives up to those standards if you want to recover.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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