Hey.....who out there has tried the on line programme? I am hooked to MB and therefore would give it a try if overseas people had tried it and it had been successful.

I'm in London, and we've just started it. We are only viewing the video presentations so far. After that comes the workbooks and exercises set by your coach.

It surely does not make any difference if you are overseas. Everybody does the programme online these days. There is no "overseas" online!

Is it helping? Are you in a better place? I love my H but we still haven't resumed a full sex life... That worries me.

AEK1 you need to breathe a little. It will take years to be fully recovered. Years not a few weeks/months. Your expectations need adjustment a little

My wife and I did do the home st,udy course which is effectively the online study course without the accountability program. It's great.

I think, AEK, that bigkahuna did the same course that I am doing, but without the seminar presentations (watched online) - is that right, bk? And without having a personal coach who sets the tasks and gives feedback on your progress. The coach is the "accountability" part of the programme. With the online course, you can also post questions to Dr Harley in his private forum. We haven't got that far yet.

Yes, it is helping. Would you agree with me, AEK, that we in Britain are not keen on "therapy"? While I think it is getting more popular for depression and abuse of various kinds, I would say that people here still do not seek help with their marriage problems most of the time.

My H was always reluctant about marriage counselling. He was very pleased for me to see an IC when he was entrenched in his affair, but when I suggested we both go, he was dragged his feet until it was clear that he was never going to agree. This was just as well when I was offering traditional marriage counselling, which as you probably know does not have a good record in Britain. People are often counselled to follow their hearts, which means they leave their marriages if that is how they feel.

However, he was just as scathing when I told him about MB, although I think this had a lot to do with the fact that there was still intermittent contact between him and OW. He was still in the affair fog.

When I found out just a couple of months ago that intermittent contact had continued for 4 years since exposure (va his workplace, which I could not monitor), I issued an ultimatum about MB. I would not consider reconciliation unless he first, spoke to a Harley coach by phone, and then signed up for the course.

A combination of factors have led to our dramatic improvement since April. Talking to a Harley was one. Another significant factor was my husband's retiring 3 weeks later, and his not being able to contact OW woman from home. Full exposure to our kids and H's family was one of the best things I could ever have done, and was long overdue. Re-exposure to OWH also seemed to help. My H's reading HNHN and some of LB also opened his eyes to the strength of Dr Harley's model, and finally, the online presentations are very compelling.

We have easily met the 20 hours UA time each week, as my H is retired, I work from home most of the time and we only have one child, aged 15, at home. We have had no trouble making the 20 hours pleasant and intimate.

However, AEK, you are not yet in my position, and wont be a for a long time. I have worked through a lot of resentment over the past 6 years and let it go. It helped that the contact has been phone calls every six months or so; it would have been much harder to recover from physical contact, although that was imminent. (I intercepted an email where they planned to meet for the first time in 5 years.) My posting here has given me confidence and knowledge so that I am nothing like as destroyed as I was 6 years ago when I realised how far and deep the affair had gone.

I am able to give a lot to this, my last attempt at recovery, because I no longer have the justified resentment that you have, but it has taken me many years to get here, and several D Days that I would not wish on anybody.

You cannot hurry this process, but you can do your best to meet your H's ENs. If you can create feelings of love in him (so that he falls back in love with you), he will gladly and vigorously meet your ENs, so that you begin to fall back in love with him. For now, focus on spending 20+ hours of enjoyable UA time per week and avoiding lovebusters. And do the online course! It will motivate your husband and you will see an improvement in his efforts to try and make you happy.

He is making SO much effort...He has read LB and HNHN's - he thought they were fantastic and has recommended them to other friends who are in happy marriages. He really is trying and believe him - it is not fake. there has been NC now for 7 months. I know that now and I trust him. He is meeting my needs but I am worried that I am not responding enough for him. I still see her occasionally and this sets me back but the kids finish school soon and then NC with me will be a reality. At times I feel like calling her - to remind her what a cow she is and how she nearly ruined my kids lives - is it normal to feel like this? Her life has hardly changed - in fact I hear she has just had a swimming pool put in. Life is tough when you are a rich *itch. There is a lot of change in our life right now - may the residual anger will east once these changes are made and our future more certain....school move, house move, jobs move.....
I like the sound of the on-line course. I have mentioned it to my H and he seems happy that we are on the right track but if it can help more, then I would like to do it. I want a long lasting and happy marriage.

Struggling today to get OW out of my mind. My H has suffered through job loss etc, her H has suffered through betrayal but she hasn't suffered at all. I don;t want revenge but I do want justice.

Wait for the Karma bus hun, it will come.

In the meantime try seeing your feelings about her as energy....is she really worth all that energy that you could use better elsewhere.

I know exactly how you feel, felt that way for a long long time, I lost everything, she lost nothing and gained too (last time I saw her she had also gained lots of weight, that was refreshing) but ultimately she lost out big time. After exposure (final) when I told her BH everything, he walked, she is left with nothing and a ruined reputation too.........and I didn't have a hand to play in that.

Justice will come. In the meantime, focus on you, do stuff you used to do or take up a new challenge, maybe something you and H can do togther.

Just don't waste any more energy on her. She is not worth it. Invest that energy in your future.

Tips that worked for me:

Smile .... it does something to your brain chemistry
Find something every day to say thank you for
Do excersize
Get a massage.........something about being stroked and rubbed does good things in your brain too.
Sing......the louder the better, in the car so no one can hear you
Journal but as well as journalling the bad stuff find 3 good things every day to write

Hang on, breathe, eat well and get some sleep

Hugs

Thank you so much for your advice. One thing I am finding so hard is still seeing my friend who is still seeing ow. We were all best friends. Cant really understand why she still is friendly with her although she says she is being fair to both couples. Doesn't want to choose. Says she is supporting owh. It hurts but I don't want to let her go as she is lovely.

Hmm AEK1 - Pretty sure we have covered all this before with your friend and consequences for OW haven't we?????

Sugarcane is right abut the course we did.

She is still friendly with her because the OW did not try to steal HER husband...

Human nature is that we respond either favorably or unfavorably to someone based on how that person treats US...

It used to drive me INSANE that some family and friends did not see my ex-brother the way I did for what he had done to me and my family...

The reason, of course, is because he did not do that to THEIR families so they do not see him for what he truly is...

and there is the decision point for you...

Does the friend who supports the OW's BH bring more joy or does she bring more pain into your life?

I have pretty much lost my own father because of his outspoken support of my ex-brother (who he just helped pay a trip for him and his wife to Germany) causes me more pain than joy to see...

It's a hard decison and the only one who can make it is you.

God bless.

Jim

Yes we have covered this off and I have failed. I have not cut contact with my friend who is now going on holiday with OW and OWH.....because she is a friend and I a scared about loosing her. She says she is being fair to both couples....giving them both a chance...which I can see. I know I know....I need to turn my back on my friend as it hurts SO much.

It's really not so much turning your back on your friend, it's more about choosing to move on from the hurty stuff.

While you still see her, you are likely to be triggered all over again........and again.............and again.

Sometimes you need to back off in order to heal.

join something, make some new friends, I know thats not easy but it's a better way as you will also find yourself fishing for information about OW...the way I understand MB is that NC means NC...........for both of you.

Let it go hun, focus on the important stuff, you and Mr AEK!!!

Why would you want to be a friend to someone who is not acting friendly towards you? You know what they say about the friends you have being a reflection on you? I no longer have any communication with people that I KNOW to be wayward. If they are FWS's and have done what was necessary to earn that F, then I communicate, otherwise, CRICKETS. And there is a man, whom I went to HS with, who is FB friends with OW. I unfriended him.

You would be doing this to help you recover. I think that's worth more than any friendship.

No you haven't failed at all. Just remember a definition of insanity is doing the same things and expecting a different result.

It's like the patient who goes in to see the doctor and says "it hurts when I do this" and the dr says "don't do this" and the patient says but I like it....

Just don't expect the solution to change OK??

Oh and Scotty reminded me - the BF is or was actually an OW correct? Why do you expect more of such?

Lower your expectations of people and raise your expectations of God.

I will lower my expectations.....hard seeing an old friend being friendly with OW who has been so destructive in my life. She is trying to treat us fairly but I cannot handle that so I am out. OUT. OVER. NEW FRIENDS and NEW HOBBIES.

AEK1,

I know you have heard this a million times before.. but really you can't control how other people live their lives.

You can only control yourself and who you surround yourself with. Choose your friends wisely.

Get rid of those last triggers in your life. You have come a long way!

Thank you. It looks as though your h also had an affair with your best friend... How have you coped.

Being sweet is next to impossible when you are feeling so angry and betrayed. The fact that he tells you he's missing her in any way is not acceptable. I do agree, however, that you can't keep bashing her to him. It's no different with kids...right? They want what they can't/shouldn't have.

I'm guilty of doing the same thing, but the difference is my WH realizes what a loser she is. I'm still obsessed...I googled her again and wouldn't you know there is some justice, and it wasn't mine? She was arrested for a DUI the other day. Beautiful! Unfortunately, she was released the same day, but still, it felt good to see what comes around goes around. That alone pulled me out of my funk a bit.

Invest the time. When we are good, it's because we spend the time together, focusing on each other, without kids and the day to day nonsense. That 15+ hours a week is sooooo important at rebuilding...

Still don't know the shorthand--