Well Mike he is still getting his fix by abusing your wife as far as I am concerned.

From all the pitiful tragic and dramatic "Lurve", stories I have witnessed, its more of the same.

Money or not, NC means NC. Now she will go back to square 1, and withdrawal will start all over again.

"Bend over baby and you can't do anything to stop me"
ALL these affairs are about hurting someone, and in her case it was about being controlled.

If she wants that and wants to play poor victim, and say its "about the money", then either she is really disturbed, or straight up lieing. I don't buy the,"I don't know what I was doing, can't help myself" crap.

There is no amount of money that can replace what you guys have lost, you going to jail is not the answer, you guys have to drop the money excuse of how she is involved with that sleaze, she got conned by him and he loves to abuse you both.

Go with her and don't beat the crap outta the stupid oaf, but be present, get whatever signed and take the loss, and never let her contact him again, as long as you are alive.

This is gonna set your recovery way back, and the money thing will be a constant connection. Sorry your having such a hard time with this, good luck.

mike-

just a thought... the money you get from ahole. you lets say buy a couch, what are you going to think of everytime you snuggle up with your wife.

this is not going to end well, even if the meeting goes "fine"

and if you must go, make sure his wife is there too. Your brother, you, his wife, the whole shebang. If you must go. Square one is a horrible place to be. Please don't deceive yourself into thinking this is different. Sign the durn papers and take the 21k.

Heck, leave her in the car and you do the transaction. Pull yourself together and do this right.

Am I the only one that is concerned about the violence, at the meeting? Long term emotional, that's a given. 35K is a LOT of money to the players in this situation, they are ALL ticked off over it.

I do not see this ending well. In any way.

Since this was a loan, where's the lawyers dealing with it? If not done right, it was not a loan, it was a gift.

Think about this. The OM? He stands to lose too. What's to stop him OR your wife for that matter, of pulling out a gun when the other does not agree to their demands.

Maybe I have a morbid mind. I've been robbed twice at gunpoint by the same guy. Know what? He was ready to shoot me for THREE DOLLARS. I can only imagine what 35K would make one do. Especially someone who is controlling.

All-

It went exceedingly well for my wife this morning. No violence. Sheesh! She showed up right after her brother and OM sat down at a coffee shop. Totally surprised him. (Her brother knew she was coming but he also acted surprised and annoyed.) Anyway, she got a commitment for the entire amount. She expressed how hurt she is and wants nothing to do with him or his company. She got into the videotaping stuff started to cry and her brother stopped her from going on. She demanded the entire amount we wanted. We got a big down payment today and a payment schedule of over 18 months. We will not have any contact going forward. Her brother will collect the money and will initiate all contact going forward. The NC rule is back in effect.

I know this is a shockingly, bad move in some of your thoughts, but to me I feel fine about it. Im living with a woman with about as low self esteem, self worth, zero dignity, and whats worse she did it all to herself, no one forced this on her. This last bit where OM wanted to strip her of whatever of this was left, was too much for her and for me. She needed to face him, needed to let him know how hurt she was, and fought for what was hers. OK, not exactly Hollywood movie material, I understand that, but to get back a little dignity which she did was worth me putting my newly forming trust in her on the line.

Mike

i am glad it went ok, everyone here is concerned for you. you are doing so great, no one want to see it go wrong now after so much effort.

Ok, not you CANNOT have any AO's about the money or the meeting! NONE! its over.

Now take her out to dinner.

Ok so back to the work of building romantic love then.

Just make sure she confides any thoughts about how mad she is with OM to you, and be aware of the emotional attachment she still has to this POS

When in years from now, both you and her can look back if nesessary to this time, and it doesn't bring up deep resentment and fear, it will be because you both have done the work.

God bless your efforts.

Yes. We are back to normal rebuilding of our marriage. This was a weight lifted for sure.

You know?, its interesting how OM cannot tell his wife about this money. It was a deal he made without ever telling her. Not that he shared a lot of his business dealings with her, but Im sure she would have not been so happy back then when it was made or definitely now when we're collecting. Again, this deal was made 2 yrs before the A. OK, certainly it was cemented throughout the A. I can admit that.

So, we in the interest of continuing payments will have to live his lie. Not that we'll have any contact with OMW or OM but it was something worth noting with my FWW today about how great a guy he is that even after his dday, he's got to keep lies going.

Maybe a small dig to her, couldnt resist.

its interesting how OM cannot tell his wife about this money. It was a deal he made without ever telling her. Not that he shared a lot of his business dealings with her, but Im sure she would have not been so happy back then when it was made or definitely now when we're collecting. Again, this deal was made 2 yrs before the A. OK, certainly it was cemented throughout the A. I can admit that. So, we in the interest of continuing payments will have to live his lie. Not that we'll have any contact with OMW or OM but it was something worth noting with my FWW today about how great a guy he is that even after his dday, he's got to keep lies going.

You might have noted how NG, who can't resist expressing his opinion on EVERYTHING, had nothing to say regarding your arranging and completing this financial closure. It was NOT because I had no opinion (yeah, right!) but because I wanted to enter this phase of the advice to you uncorrupted by prior statements. Are you ready? Good, get a pencil and paper and write this down........

NOW THAT BIL HAS MANAGED THIS FOR YOU, YOU AND WW ARE NEVER TO MENTION, DISCUSS, CONSIDER POSOM AGAIN, FOR ANY REASON, IN ANY CONTEXT.

Every time you do that, you will set back your recovery by a measurable amount - she by recalling her incredible stupidity, you by remembering his/her betrayal of you. STOP IT TODAY!

From this day forward, there is only you and WW, trying to rebuild your lives together. Crank up that UA time, over-satisfy her ENs (Yes, YOU do that next!), and start the rejuvenation of your love-lives.

Can you do that? Today, and for the rest of your life?

Don't shoot the messenger but, no, you are incorrect, NC is not in effect. You are now in contact for the next 18 months. You will be reminded of the affair with every payment and with the $$, and your W will probably remain foggy (which her victim mentality is a sign of).

There is a reason that such radical advice to avoid any type of contact such as leaving a job or even moving to another state is recommended regardless of the financial implications. You have convinced yourself that this advice does not apply to you because your W expresses "hate" for OM. This spells disaster for your R.

Sorry, Mike, but we do you no favors if we sugar coat things...




Nope, what she needed to do was put ExtraOrdinary Precautions above everything else, her need to confront him, the $$, everything. The ExtraOrdinary Precautions are in place to not only to protect the marriage from a rekindling the affai, but to also protect the BS from any further pain ~ because ANY contact AT ALL between her and the OM is extremely offensive to the BS. Period. Your W doesn't get it yet. Sorry.

Was the OMW informed that NC was going to be broken today? She is also a victim of your WW's and OM's and this contact is incredibly offensive to her as well. I sure hope her feelings were taken into consideration, but I don't think we have heard you mention her yet...

This money allows us to do things we otherwise couldnt do for our family. Ive taken every precaution I could but she HAD to speak for herself or else he would have made the deal he wanted. I dont agree the program cannot be modified or some of us have extenuating circumstances. It was a controlled confrontation by ME. OM had nothing to do with her being there or even knew she was going to show. If you are saying my wife put herself there to get "that old magic back" then as I said earlier I took a gamble on my growing trust of her which is telling me she went only to secure her money owed. I may not have made this clear, I TOLD MY WIFE TO GO. She didnt ask or even suggest. She thought her brother would be able to negotiate in our favor and I felt he didnt have skin in the game and wed lose.

My wife and I were friends with these people for a long time and she was having an affair with him for much of that time, if you think a monthly deposit is going to trigger emotions for her, I think you are wrong. We will never forget them for all sorts of reasons, especially as I collect my $35,000.

NG-Yes you were strangely missing from this money collection scenario. It wasnt my dream to be dealing with my wife's A in the first place, didnt ask for such an honor. It also comes with so much baggage and the last big one is/was this money. We solved it in the only way I thought it could go well for us. We have spoken about the NC rule being reinstated, we spoke about emotions she felt today, we spoke about continuing our moving forward without the uttering of his name.

The deal was sealed by a handshake with my bro in law and OM. This deal is actually between them as men. We are just the beneficiaries.

Im extremely proud of my wife despite some of you think she is playing me. I said to you my wife actually grew up on May 8th of this year and today was proof. She took care of some of her own business for a change. She didnt rely on a man (or anyone else) to get what she wanted. THIS is a big thing for her and me. Whatever grip OM had on her was released on 5/8 and today was further proof of that.

This is how we are moving on by boosting her confidence and self esteem. And she is helping me by boosting the same in me. I have confidence she made a mistake and got caught up in something she couldnt stop and I know she regrets it all. She picked me -- I won. (celtic voyager, a few weeks back).

Nope. I feel bad about this but I need to get whats mine and right now OM has it. If he wants to perpetuate his marriage demise with lies, all the more power to him. My wife is with me and I am with her. We want our money and we cannot worry about OMW. We are working on our marriage and its going terrific. This money thing was our last obstacle.

I find this attitude a bit cruel. You should have given her at least a heads up, and I see that CV gave you that advice but was ignored.

The fact that your WW was not concerned about OMW =




I will move on and let the others help you. Good luck!

Now how about answering my question?

NOW THAT BIL HAS MANAGED THIS FOR YOU, YOU AND WW ARE NEVER TO MENTION, DISCUSS, CONSIDER POSOM AGAIN, FOR ANY REASON, IN ANY CONTEXT.

Can you do that? Today, and for the rest of your life?

Yes.

In fact, I didnt get a chance to speak to her alone with the kids around yesterday so I told her I need a few minutes of alone time on the phone after she gets to work this morning. Usually this scares her so I let her know its "great news" I need to tell her.

I told her I proud of her and she should be proud of how far she has come since dday. I said this conversation will be the last time we speak of OM and the A in ANY context. She said "Thank God". Since we were very close as families to OM we need to address people who are asking about them and do not/will not know of the A. So, to protect her reputation (and Im protecting her in every aspect of her life as best as I can) and our children we agreed to call it a dispute over money we invested with him and he reneged on his promise and this dispute has resulted in us not speaking anymore. Case closed. We have several friends who have now asked about them a few times. And the dance I have to do, I dont want to do anymore and I cant tell these friends the truth.

So, my wife and I will go with this story so we can continue not discussing the A, the OM, and move on with our lives. So in effect, some of you are correct when you said we are almost back to square one with our recovery. She and I are OK with that then.

As per your instructions.

SusieQ: Ive valued your input and understand the disappointment in me about OMW and keeping her in the dark about the meeting and other stuff. OM is responsible for all of this as far as Im concerned. He kept the relationships going no matter how much my wife and the other girls were willing participants. He provided the money which all this was based on. I get to live with this fact my wife stayed with another man because she needed a sugar daddy. I cannot protect my wife AND his wife. I have too much on my plate to worry about her.

OMW also did some things early after dday, which I totally understand, to hurt my wife. Pretty natural to attack my FWW for what she did. Cant blame her. But, she did on more than one occasion seek to get my little girl involved with emails and she threatened to tell our Facebook friends about the A too.

I did do the confrontation with OM and OMW with all facts as per the program upon dday. Ive followed advice as best as I could, but yesterday and this will be my last thought about it, had to happen the way it happened.

OM said so much in his email to us weeks back, this is of his creating and if wants continue living this way and treating his wife and daughter like after thoughts, and so long as he doesnt look to talk or email or anything with my wife, I need to focus on my family, not his. Sorry if this is cruel to you.

just.....wow


Actually more than just wow. UnFreakingBelievable! ...that anyone, much less someone who has been hurt by infidelity could say such a think is sickening!