Hello all,

I have have known and looked at MB for several years now. I went through a gut wrenching divorce in 2007. I found out my Ex was in an affair of the worst kind. I know they are all the worst kind, really I do. Tried Dr Harley�s approaches to no avail. Etc, etc...

Fast forward to now. I feel that I am over my ex. Got back into the dating scene quickly (too quickly probably). Dated a lot. Met some wonderful women. Fell in love got my heart broken, broke some hearts (sad but true), so I think I know what I want in a partner, a life partner and a wife.

Well I think I have found her. The relationship is very young. 6 weeks, but it is like we have known each other for years (her words and I agree). No professions of love yet, but I am confident they will come. I am patient and not in any hurry. The pace seems good and when we are together all seems right with the world. We talk, we laugh, we share a similar faith. I know Dr Harley�s concepts and I practice them best I can in a non married relationship. I have told her about MB, but I don�t think it is time to really talk deeply about it, but we have voiced our desire to really work on our relationship, know each others needs and desires and do our best to full fill them. We both have the goal to spend the rest of our lives together, but no agenda. We both know that means marriage eventually and we are both fine with this. So no red flags. The relationship is still young and that is fine. No rush.

Now to my problem and it is MY problem...

As I stated, when we are together or we talk on the phone everything clicks. When I am not with her I just get this feeling that is hard to describe, but it is bad. I want to call and text often, but I resist. I feel it is being needy and it is. She seems to be a loyal and uniquely kind person. The best way to describe this is that my TAKER wants to take over.

I have a strong faith and I share this with God and it helps me. Still I want to hear others opinion.

Is this love sickness or something else? In my other relationships I did not feel this way. Maybe I feel more strongly that she is "the one" where the others were still in the "wait and see" stage.

Since my role here these days appears to be that of a wet blanket, I'll go ahead and throw one out. Six weeks is way way WAY too early to even think about whether someone is "The One". When you say "it is like we have known each other for years", what you are really saying is that she is in line with your preconceived image of someone and how they react to things and what they say, but believe me, you have no idea of who she is (and vice versa). At some point, she will say/do something that is not in line with your preconceived notion, and then you will start getting a better glimpse of the real her. Give it at least six months, and if you feel the same, you may be on to something. How long has she been divorced and out of her last relationship, BTW? Do either/both of you have kids?


This, my friend, is the you claim not to have . And no, I am not being a wiseguy, I've BTDT and realized eventually that there was a reason for my "sick gut", and it was not lovesickness but a subconscious feeling that something was off. And in my case something definitely was off, it just took me a few months to figure out what it was.

I have read some great relationship books that describe this very thing, and they make it very clear that you should always trust your gut. Often times, the head lags the gut in picking up signs. See, your head processes things that it can understand, while your gut processes things that it senses, even before you can understand them. That "bad feeling" is something that you should definitely pay attention to. There may be many explanations for this bad feeling, and for all I know, it may all get resolved. All I am saying is don't ignore it, as you get to know this lady over time.

AGG

I don't know that I can share any great insight, Kayaker, other that to say I know the feeling.

It's where everything is great and feels right when you're together, or even on the phone or texting.

But, after a period of being apart you start feeling insecure, uneasy, start questioning everything you said or did or didn't say or didn't do and her reactions to it.

It's all just our insecurity and our minds running with it. My experience is that it will go away, or lessen anyway, with time and as you grow more comfortable with each other. As close as you are now, it's only been 6 weeks and you're still learning each other.

Now for some bad news, I've been seeing a woman I adore for 7 months now, but we are currently in the middle of an "adjustment". All that insecurity has returned.

All I can say is if you want to call or text her, then by all means do it. If you think you're doing it too much and are appearing needy, then simply ask her if it's too much. If things are as good as you say they are, she's probably very happy to hear from you as often as she can.

Thank you schtoop and AgoodGuy. I appreciate your opinion. I just got off the phone with her and she almost talked my ear off. It is the middle of the day and she was having a great day and she wanted to share it with me. My "gut" feeling is that it is my issue. My insecurities. I agree with you AGG 6 weeks is too early to know if she is "the one". It is just a very powerful connection unlike my others and there have been a few.

To answer your question I have kids she does not. I am 50 so you can probably imagine how old my kids are.

I am sorry schtoop. I have been there and I know it really isn't fun to be part of an "adjustment". In my experience if someone wants to "adjust" I accommodate they. That is just me.

I used to feel that way about my stbxh. I wish I had listed to my guts. Six weeks is way too early to be even thinking along any permanent lines. Soul mate type or not. Do NOT move in with her, is my best advice. And if ANYONE says she's acting like a different person with you, run, don't walk, but RUN away.

I think I just helped AGoodGuy not feel like the only wet blanket here today. Good luck! Just be careful.

As I always say, the Infatuation Stage is wonderful, and you should enjoy the heck out of it. Just keep in mind that it is only a phase, and don't make any permanent decisions while in it .

AGG

All good advice, and I agree with all of you. Just a little history... I dated my X for 5 years. No, not prone to jump off the deep end without careful thought. I am much too methodical and logical for that. I recognize that this is infatuation. Still I want to enjoy it and when we are together I do immensely. It is just during the day when I am at work and she is working the feelings creep in. They (the feelings) are based on nothing, but past hurts; that is my opinion.

No I won't move in with her. I agree with Dr Harley on that.

I don't know if this means anything, but is is my experience that when you have been apart for even just a day and then you see someone, say to pick them up for a date, that light in the eyes is very hard to fake. I have ended relationships on the absence of that light. Cold sounding I know.

I don't think that's cold sounding at all, I think it's paying attention to what you know should be there and isn't.

I say enjoy the heck out of this but pay attention to any red flags and try to view it all objectively. Christian Carter's Dating and Relationship advice calls it "the observing eye"...you have to step outside of yourself and look in at the relationship. Yep, give it six months, let us know how it goes!

Good luck!

Thank you Kay,

I am just being silly worrying. We had a great father's day weekend. It is just odd to me that these feelings creep in during the day. Then we see each other and it's like "pea's and carrots". No pressure to move things faster or slower. Just enjoying the time. I feel that as time goes on these feelings will diminish as the relationship matures.

Thanks for everyone's advice.

I am still love sick,

Tell me... have those that have been divorced a while. Do the EN that you did not get in your marriage taint your relationships?

For example say you did not get Physical affection in marriage, now that you are divorced, this is a hot button in a relationship? Or SF? Or Quality Time? Have you found it goes through your mind? The comparing.

Does the "taker" want to come to the surface? Do you find yourself suppressing or deliberately backing off or feeling that you need to back off to compensate?

Example: I normally call her during the middle of the day on my way to work out to talk for a very few minutes. Today I feel that I shouldn't because I don't want her to feel smothered. I recognize this tendency in myself, so I deliberately back off. But, I really struggle because I want to talk to her and I want her to know I am thinking of her.

I absolutely do not want her to worry that I may be mad or having some other issues or that I am playing games. What I am saying is that I am strictly practicing the MB principle of "don't do anything to upset your spouse" (in this case GF). But, how do you know? I know the answer is, you don't.

Sorry for the rambling. It makes me feel better.

I think if anything, the EN that didn't get met in my first marriage gives me the perspective to judge if viable candidates can meet them. To me, this is a positive result of the tragedy I endured. I'm now more capable of judging who I am compatible with (i.e. who can meet my emotional needs the best).

Clearly there is something she does that elicits these feelings of infatuation from you. I'm guessing that, whatever it is, it has more to do with your family of origin than your relationship with your ex. For example, I went out with a woman that was super attractive and very professional (formal, if you will), just like my mother. Because of her formal personality, she seemed distant and emotionally unavailable, again, just like my mother. I can't tell you how infatuated I was with this woman! I had a hard time sleeping and eating I felt so "in love" with her. Of course, she was probably the least compatible woman for me that I have been out with since my divorce (she was Jewish, I am very Catholic. She didn't want children, I wanted a few more, etc.) I guess my point is that it became difficult to see the truth when I was in the fog of infatuation. Not that infatuation is bad, just that it can cloud your objectivity and stop you from recognizing a true match.

For sure.

I am just frustrated that I should (when I am not with her) feel better. When we are together all is right with the world. There are no red flags. I am very observant of that, but I can cook up a red flag in a minute if I wanted to. Does that make sense? It is almost as if I want to sabotage things. This is what I describe as my "taker" wanting to come out.

How true!