Hi, This is my first post but I am looking for some insight on how to get through this difficult situation.

My husband and I are trying to work on rebuilding our marriage after my affair. We are making progress in building our love for one another back but have hit a real stumbling block. I know that in order for him to get through the resentment I must make a plan to have no further contact with the person that I was seeing. I am more than willing to do that but it was the father of my daughter's best friend and in order not to have further contact I would need to destroy my daughter's life by moving her away. Thoughts?

No contact means no contact. Destroying your daughters friendship is just another consequence of your affair.

It's tough but any contact means contact with OMW too........yeah you really want to put her through constantly having to see you??

I take it she knows??

In her shoes I would find it hard to keep my hands to myself.

Poor kid, having to deal with the fall out of your crap boundaries.

Move away, your daughter will make new friends.

True. Although no one's life was ever 'destroyed' by moving away from a best friend. Better to lose a best friend than have one's family split up.

How old are the girls?

Affairs destroy,

This unfortunately is a casualty of your selfish actions.

In the end your daughter will want both parents together. She will make new friends.

NO CONTACT...move

No, your affair and the subsequent divorce will destroy your daughter. Tell your daughter about your affair and tell her this is why she can't be friends with this girl anymore and why you have to move. Honesty!!

By staying in contact you are threatening TWO families. Is the OM married and if so, does his wife know what you did?

Cag,

but it was the father of my daughter's best friend

Reading between the lines it sounds like you have not told the OMW! Which means that OM, BH and WW are all deceiving OMW. IF that is the case please correct this enormous injustice.

If this seems harsh please remember that although betray spouses might not voice their pain about continued contact, IT IS STILL Killing them on the inside.

God Bless
Gamma

Thanks for all the feedback everyone. My daughter is 14...my current husband is not her father but her step-father. Moving her to a new school will tear her apart, but I understand your thoughts.

And tearing her family apart will also tear her apart. Does this mean she already been been through one divorce? And now you are subjecting her to another?

Is the OM married and if so, does his wife know what you have done?

I'm sorry for your dd.
You already did destroy her nice little world when you chose to have an affair with her friend's close family member.
You didn't have a clue the can of worms you were opening at the time, did you?

Your dd needs to know the score and what happpened in her life and who created it.

My DD was turning 15 when her father sat her down and told her he was moving out and that him and me were not getting along (till PP joined in destroying our M).

She crashed, ended up in therapy and has not talked to her father in 2 years.

I think it would have been easier to move out of the state and start new than seeing what this caused in our family.

He is gone now and destroyed everything good in his life. At what cost of his family can never be measured.

You are one lucky woman that your H took you back. Never make him regret it.

Cag5858,

Read my post with an open mind. I am not trying to attack you. I am trying to get you to see the truth. You see my FWH slept with the neighbor and mother of our own daughters best friend.

Like you, my FWH wanted to sweep it under the rug and pretend that it did not happen. He wanted life to just carry on as usual. What he really was doing was protecting himself from the shame and guilt of his actions.

So who are you really protecting here? Yourself or your daughter. I believe it is yourself.

Are you telling me that your daughter is so weak that she will be emotionally scarred for life if you move? Are you telling me that at age 14 she cannot handle the truth about life issues?

What do you honestly think is more traumatizing 1. moving or 2. a second divorce ?

Your BH will never recover if he or you have any further contact with the OM and his family. It will rip him to the core everytime he sees anything related to OM. It is disrespectful to him to make him face that trigger for the rest of his life. He will not recover.

I would love to see you make the choice of honesty. For you to sit down with your DD and explain about unwise choices, consequences, forgiveness, remorse, and redemption. For you to teach her how to be an upstanding and successful person of strong character and integrity. To teach her how a woman should treat a man and how not to become a cheater herself.

It is now up to you to do everything you need to protect your family from what you have done. This includes removing them from the toxic environment you now live in.

Think about it. Be honest with yourself.

Hi Cag,

You're right, but this will tear your daughter up no matter what.

My bet is, if you are 100% honest with her, she will work through the changes necessary with a more willing heart.

BUT

If you sugarcoat it all, trying not to look bad, she will see right through your facad and will resent you for life...

If she's anything like my daughter was, she will punish you quite a bit for a few years, throwing it up in your face from time to time,,,,,

BUT

For me, it's been worth it,,,, and because I've been 100% honest, she would tell you things are good today too!

Thank you all, really for your thoughts as you have experienced this turmoil. It is truly a chanllenging place to be. The real difficulty here is that my DD does not have a close relationship with her step-father and I truly, honestly believe that moving her to another country (where my husband wants us to run) will destroy her and create more resentment than anything else.

My husband cheated on me, I found out only one month after having our second child. I have known for about a year and a half now. I agree completely with all of these reply's. Yes, you have already destroyed your childs, and familys perfect world by making the irrisponsible choice to have an affair. I am still very hurt and angry, however have chose to try to work things out with my husband. The only way that this has been possible is for my husband to be COMPLETELY transparent and cut ALL ties with anything to do with OW and OM involved. He is in counseling, has given all passwords to his accounts to me, eve went as far to put gps on his cellphone to give me a little peace of mind, that he is where he is supposed to be. Even with all of this openness, I am still struggling ALOT! I am not even sure if I can continue to be married, I love him, but I am discovering that my feelings for him have morphed a bit. The lack of trust and respect tht are now absent, hinder my intamacy with him, but I am willing to give it some more time and effort to see if this is meant to be ..... That being said, you MUST see how very important it is to cut any and all contact, because imagine how your child will feel if the marriage ends, if you want to work things out, especially if your childs happiness is a factor, you must make your marriage first in line. your child will have other friends, and move on. Accept the consequence and move forward.

What will harm her more is for you to lose another husband over your affair when this results in divorce. Your marriage has to come first and your H is not safe from you until you move away from this OM and cut him out of your life. Using your DD as an excuse will not fly here.

Your H is not "running," he is sanely protecting your marriage from harm since you don't have the good judgment to do so. Your poor judgment led to the affair in the first place and will lead to another if you don't take appropriate steps.

CAG,

I truly, honestly believe that moving her to another country (where my husband wants us to run) will destroy her.

You need to be absolutely honest with your Daughter, she already knows something is up and may just be keeping it bottled up. Kids know more that we suspect.

Your H is not running, your belief that he can just live near OM and have contact with OM no matter how indirect is just killing him on the inside, and it is an act of desperation!

Does OMW know, because if she did she might convince OM to move saving you guys the trouble?

God Bless
Gamma