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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 1
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Junior Member
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 1 |
Briefly, my husband has been having an affair for 6 months during which time I have pressed him to give her up and choose me! Needless to say the months for me have been hell. Now he says he will give her up, soon, and that he doesn't want to divorce (I started proceedings). Trouble is, NOW, I feel how ever is this going to work. I don't trust him, feel sick about what he has done with her, feel really angry about his treatment of me. Tomorrow we are having a discussion about what each of us (well, him probably) wants to happen in the future and I am at a loss to know what to ask him, knowing that the answers can't be trusted! Any suggestions.
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Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 233
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Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 233 |
Stay cool, stay calm and remember, you have the right to say NO MORE.
Welcome to Marriage Builders, it's the best place to be if you want to recover your marriage, and a great place to be if you want to recover just yourself. It is YOUR choice here.
Has the affair been explosed? Sounds like it's still ongoing to me. You can not save a marriage with an ongoing affair, it has to be stopped dead in it's tracks, generally that means it will be exposed far and wide.
Start by reading the link to the right in the yellow box with red border, How to Survive Infidelity. I'm not a vet, they will be along with your answers very soon I'm sure.
Hang in there, and decide what YOU want, not what HE wants. Either he is willing and DOES go NC and stops his affair, provides you with total transparancy and extraordinary percautions, and jumps into this with both feet and eyes wide open to WORK at making this marriage what it can be, or he's not. You can't do it alone, or with a half there spouse.
I am 52, stbxh is 46
One child together 15 DD
2 (mine) from 1st marriage, 26 dd and 28 ds.
Married Dec 94
Separated Oct 09
Too many D-Days to list. (EA/Cyber affairs)
He filed no fault 3-2011 I countered with grounds.
Court date set for June 6, 2011 for Final Decree and was continued.
That ticked him off, he is now fighting for custody.
Lawyers are expensive, my daughter is worth every penny.
Even the ones I have to borrow.
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Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 233
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Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 233 |
tons of reading. I wish you the best of luck. Start Here
I am 52, stbxh is 46
One child together 15 DD
2 (mine) from 1st marriage, 26 dd and 28 ds.
Married Dec 94
Separated Oct 09
Too many D-Days to list. (EA/Cyber affairs)
He filed no fault 3-2011 I countered with grounds.
Court date set for June 6, 2011 for Final Decree and was continued.
That ticked him off, he is now fighting for custody.
Lawyers are expensive, my daughter is worth every penny.
Even the ones I have to borrow.
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Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 6,025
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Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 6,025 |
Welcome to MB. So sorry you have come so late in this process. A 6 month "plan A" and your wayward husband is still giving you "soon" answers is just so beyond what you should still be enduring. Your gut is telling you not to trust him and your gut is right...he's not trustworthy. Trust takes years.
But you are here now and we can help you with a plan. Many marriages have survived infidelity here (many haven't as well). Success here is measured not by marriage saved but by people saved.
Stick around and I guarantee YOU WILL MAKE IT.
please give some more details...kids, ages, you filed for divorce...how far along are you?
Mr. Wondering
FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered
"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,495
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Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,495 |
Gee, welcome and sorry you are here.
The first thing you need to do is demand immediate no contact. The second is expose the affair to everyone he know, she knows (including her spouse or significant other). And every one you know as well.
Before you can even begin working on your marriage (and you can have a good (great) marriage even after an affair), you need to make sure that no contact is established.
Is he cheating with someone at work?
CV
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Oh boy. This is not good. What is very concerning is that you have endured this abuse for a dangerously long time. Is he willing to agree to extraordinary precautions to protect you in the future? By that, I mean cutting off all contact with the OW and making his life an open book so this can never happen again? Is he willing to hand over his cellphone and all his passwords?
This can work if he does an 180 degree change and starts acting like a husband. IS he willing to make dramatic changes?
Also, where does the OW live? If it is close, I would implore you to move because he will go back and forth if she is close by.
Has the affair been exposed to everyone?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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