Rocky,

Ok I'm just going to say it.

You need to start FIGHTING for your marriage.

Of course S2 doesn't know what he wants anymore. He's still trying to figure out if you are coming back through the revolving door.

Your actions are what S2 is looking at. OK you kicked OM out but you are afraid to move closer to S2 because he is unsure.

Really?

If you truly want to save your marriage, you need to be willing to do whatever it takes. You need to show S2 that you will fight for him no matter what he says.

Show him that you are back and you are NOT leaving without him.

Don't give up !!

I told my husband today that me and the boys were coming to him! My realitor say my house can be rented by September 1st I am not

waiting that long to make the move but gives me sometime to get things handled with the house and all involved with that.

I told my husband that whatever ep that he needed I had no issues with he could even install that spy stuff. I understand that he needs those things to prove I am telling him the truth

I have a long list of things to get done and I actually wrote it all down to insure they are get completed. I am putting in

my notice at work tom I know that is a huge issue for my husband

I sent the cousling request yea through this web site. We had good talks I am so proud of my husband.

Rocky

I am happy for all four of you!

nESRE

brilliant news

Rocky,

I am proud of the actions you are taking!


Each time you DO something that shows your husband you are willing and able to make changes.

Keep moving in the right direction. Each time you think before you act, and then make the correct choice that benefits your husband, you feel better, don't you?


Isn't that strange? You choose what is right for the other person

yet

YOU seem to benefit.


A very interesting thing about friendship, about love, about marriage.


Choose what is right for the other person, and you will benefit.



Notice I didn't say, "choose what the other person 'wants'" and I didn't say, "choose what the other person 'likes best' or 'feels good'". I said

CHOOSE WHAT IS RIGHT.



That is not always the answer that feels best.
That is not always the answer that is popular with everyone.
That is not always the easiest thing to do.

In the end, however, it will always be the answer you can stand behind with dignity and honor, knowing it was the RIGHT thing to do.


And you will never regret doing the right thing. Especially when you know in your heart you were doing what you gave careful consideration and thought to doing, and came to a thoughtful answer that it was the right thing to do for someone else. You see, if you set your own wants and desires aside, and you step outside of those things, and you choose carefully to meet the needs of someone else instead, your life changes dramatically.

You find out very quickly that you have a strength inside of you that grows in intensity each time you do something for another person. Each time you choose to do the right thing for the other person, this strength increases. Another thing that happens is that the other person reacts differently towards you. At first, they wonder to themselves, "What does she want?" Then, after you keep doing this, they wonder, "What is wrong with her? She keeps doing stuff for me." Then, because YOU keep becoming a better person, a stronger person, they see this TRUE CHANGE IN YOU. They begin to wonder, "I wonder what changed her?"

After awhile, they begin to think very differently of you. They start thinking, "She's really changed. She used to be lost, like someone who didn't really know what was going on. But now she is tuned in, and knows everything about people, and seems like a happy person - and I can trust her. She's so...real. She's stronger now."


If you FIRST meet the needs of the other person in every relationship you have - EVEN IF YOU DO NOT LIKE THE OTHER PERSON - you will gain this strength. YOU benefit.


You.
Benefit.


Inner strength is gained by giving away of your self.


It is one gift that you receive ONLY by giving.


Try this approach for a week. See what happens in your relationships. Even try it with those relatives who "hate" you.

I just wish I could take his pain away!

Nothing I say or DO seems to help

We have good talks through out the day but he is always going to bed so hurt an mad an I just want to make it all better for him

I keep trying but how can you stop the pain when you caused it

when he talks to me he hurts.......... I want to carry his pain I love my husband

I feel lik a horrible monster not worth having my husband!

He isn't talking to me today but if he were I would tell him I am putting in notice

Just be honest and transparent. Take it one day at a time.
Try your best to be there for him and meet his needs.
Show him through your actions that you are sorry and that you want to be it work. Clean up your side of the fence.

Good luck!:) Wishing you and your family the best.

Rocky,

Just be there for him ... no matter what.

Let him be mad ... let him get it out.

Show him that you really want him. Let him see you fight for him. It gets better...it takes time.

Keep taking those steps forward and don't give up on him and you.

Rocky,

This may be his biggest fear. That you may not be up to it and will bolt again.

Just keep showing him by your actions that you are in it forever. Do whatever it takes.

Give him time to see that you really mean it.

You can do it.

Rocky,

Part of your own recovery includes feeling your guilt and shame.

That is actually healthy for you. Guilt and shame are natural reactions, and come as a result of you awakening from your fantasy life and seeing the REAL world.

Embrace your guilt and shame, because they tell you about the truth of what you have done.

You talk a great deal about your desire to help your husband with his pain.

I can see that you understand that you are the cause of his pain. This is an important thing to tell your husband, and one of the ways that you can help him to recover from what you have done is to tell him that you know you caused his pain.

Don't tell your husband that anything he did "made" you have an affair, because the truth is that your husband did not choose an affair for you. You chose to have an affair - and when your husband hears you take that responsibility it helps to heal his pain. You help your husband heal when you tell him that, and when you tell him that you know that you caused his pain.

You also help him to heal when you STOP focusing on the rollercoaster he is on.

Your understanding that he is on a rollercoaster is very important. He is on an emotional rollercoaster, and his feelings toward you will go up and down. There will be times that you and he will have a conversation, and within that conversation he may say things that are very encouraging, and then he may sound very hurtful toward you in the next sentence. That is NORMAL for a betrayed spouse.

The rollercoaster your husband is on is one carnival ride that he did not choose. He didn't buy the ticket. He does not control the ride. He doesn't know if there is a hill or a drop coming next, or a corkscrew turn in the dark followed by a splash landing. He has not idea if the controller will speed up the ride, or make it climb the next hill very very very slowly. He also doesn't know if or when that ride will level out, or if he will ever be able to finally come to a complete and safe stop.

Your job is to get into the car next to him. You learn about what triggers his fears. You help him by learning the measures that make him feel safer, and because YOU had so much to do with putting him on this ride, YOU help by putting the safety mechanisms into place. You give him the controllers such as your passwords, cutting off contact with OM, apologies, meeting his EN's, and full truthful responses to all of his questions. As he receives all of these controllers, his rollercoaster ride levels out a bit.

You also remember that when you fail to take appropriate action, or you fail in your part of the marriage (for example, if you contact the OM), you put your husband back on the rough part of that rollercoaster.

Every time.


Look at the idea that YOU offer your husband the controllers. Those things consist of ACTIONS on YOUR PART. And with each action, your husband calms down more and more. His rollercoaster of emotions smooths out. Because of what you have done.

You help him heal.

Ultimately, the marriage can be saved, and with this behavior on your part, with the actions you take, you also whittle away at your guilt and shame.


Again, YOU BENEFIT.


Like I said before, you need to stop focusing on yourself (with the exception of making changes that need to be made!). Focus on the actions that you need to take to heal your husband. Focus, focus, focus.


And you ARE making progress, BTW. I think what you "want" is to make this happen really fast. The hard fact is that this took awhile to make it into a mess, didn't it? It takes a few years to fix. In the end, it is worth the work, and worth the wait.

I promise.


SB

ITA with what SB said

Adding, When you feel guilty and shame, just remember not to throw the baby out with the bathwater and think that running away is the answer. Those feelings are a nessesary part of YOUR healing.

It does take a few years Rocky, but you can do this, and it gets better, hang on.

I am not going to bolt I know it's not going to be easy

I know we are going to have our very difficult days

But both of us are trying an that is a huge difference than before we never had seemed to be on the same page

We had no way of talking to each other but we talk now there are times where he doesn't want to but he does once he has cooled down a lit

I am giving my husband all the controllers

I am going to stay home with our boys for a while after the move
he will have all access to everything I am throwing away my current phone getting back on our plan

He can install what he needs to feel re asured
I am selling everything we own an only bring our boys things an our family pics
to elminate triggers

Threw all of this I have to say how amazing my husband is for giving me the chance! He is hurting in ways I can't explain because of me but yet still he worries about my feelings calls to make sure I am ok says sry if he hurt my feelings

He wants to make me happy protect me make me feel safe an sucure maybe it's me but all that I have done to hurt him an he is being this way toward me speaks beyond words what truly amazing man that he is!

I know this is the most difficult thing we have ever been threw an there are days now that it's hard to see him ever not hurting but I can't explain why
when he says we will be fine I just know one day that in fact one day we will be fine

when I say hardest thing we have been threw I mean the worst thing I have put my husband threw!

Rocky,

You are doing the right things to EARN back his trust and forgiveness. Keep it up.

Just keep in mind that although you believe in your own head that you will not bolt again, S2 does not know that yet. All he knows right now is what you are capable of. I say that as a BS and I remember how suspect I felt when my WH just one day became an honest and remorseful person. I wasn't sure if it was real.

Keep taking those steps forward and don't give up. Make S2 feel safe... give him time to process everything.

Have you handwritten a NC letter to OM in which you address the selfish and disrespectful way that you were living your life. Therefore you want no contact for life?

If not...then do this and give it to S2 to approve and mail. This will help S2 in his recovery and you also to address this.

I am hopeful for you and your family.

Rocky,


You are earning your stripes!


I'm so glad you are moving closer to home. Send your no-contact letter for your husband to edit and approve. The sooner that goes out, the sooner you can check one more thing off of your list.


Wow - is all I can say. You are moving in the right direction, and you are showing that you "get it"!


Stay on course, girl. This is a long path to walk. Let your husband lead, while you stay ahead of him by learning and anticipating what he will need from you.


Also, search the threads for my old thread on body language and memory. Within that thread I wrote up some rules about how to talk to one another - how to listen better, using pauses, and how to sit together. Also it lays out how to limit your relationship talks so they stay on ONE topic, and do not turn into marathons. Makes things much less threatening, much easier on the heart, and much more productive, because you stay on track.


SB

well my husband has decided that its just to easy for him to go back an pretend that I never called him about making our marriage work. Apparently nothing I say or could ever do will be what he needs. says I will never understand his pain and he can jut pretend I never called him.


idk even what to say

why did he say this, wasn't he on board with the plan before?
maybe it is just something that has triggered him and he is having a bad day

and yes he is the one that says nothing I say or do is good enough! I change my contact info quitting my job selling everything in the house renting the house moving to him not working when I get there giving him access to everything I have no friends or family there so he knows I will not talk or see anyone all he said was it helps a little bit but............................................

I know I am a horrible person for the things I have done
I know I deserve all of this I am not trying to through myself a pitty party at all just have know to express my feelings to

I try to express myself to my husband but my pain is apples his is oranges there is no compareison he just says sorry if your hurting but we are talking apples and oranges and we go right in to

all of the horible things I have done

Rocky, I don't think I have posted to you, but I have been following along, and what I have to say about this quote is: You're kidding, right?

I don't care if he uttered the words "pretend you never called," but the fact that you DJ him ("it's just too easy") and start whinging at HIM, your VICTIM, in the first sentence of your post tells me you, ma'am, have a ways to go still.

Rocky, how much reading have you been doing on this site? Have you read what others have so kindly taken their time and effort to post to you? Have you read what other betrayed spouses, those who have been in your BH's shoes at the hands of someone like yourself, had to say to you?

Have you read the articles, especially Dr. Harley's section on overcoming infidelity?

Have you read other threads? Pay close attention to betrayed spouse threads especially. IMHO, there are never enough eye-opening comments regarding the pain and anger and devastation that our types of betrayal cause - perhaps reading other threads will give you some perspective on recovery and the extent of the trauma you have put your BH through.


As many posters have already told you, this is par for the course. Be thankful he is sharing his pain with you. Now, what do you do about it?



You don't say anything. You do. Rocky, if I were in your shoes, and if I had my head on straight, I would go all in w/ the move to my BH. There is a moment in every recovery when a wayward spouse chooses: do I continue being selfish, hedging my bets, hiding behind my fears, ignoring my egregious mistakes? Or do I take that step, take the risk that this may not work, it may be hurtful, it may be a horribly difficult journey...but it's worth it? Because you want to fix what you broke, because you want to stand for something that you previously so callously tossed away, because it's the right thing to do...?

right now you have to focus only on his feelings, he has to see you being remorseful and sensitive to his hurt......
he will come around but not yet, just keep telling him that a little is enough for now. It will take time to rebuild your relationship, just look strong and determined, if he brings what you did up, agree that it is your fault and that you are willing to do whatever to fix things so both of you are happy and safe........
It will be hard but come here to vent do not let him see anything but a remorse, understanding woman, keep telling he is worth anything you have to go through right now..........PLan A him and expect nothing in return, as he starts to see you differently he will respond in a positive way...............
This is a long road, and a bumpy one................