wife of strike2 - Marriage Builders® Forums

How do you right all the wrong and fix all that is broken?? I am new here and on line infromation in review!!

Hi Rocky! Can you be more specific?

you can with a good plan.........tell us more

Rocky,

You have to "earn" the forgiveness, respect, and trust. You have to rebuild the love that was lost.

It is a rough road but it absolutely can be done!

Start by clicking on the "how to survive infidelity" link at the right and start reading at the beginning. It is the road to recovery if each step is followed.

I am glad that you are here.

Welcome Rocky

Really surprised to see you here.

Glad your here though. MB's may help you 2 put your M back together should the two of you make a decision to try together

For starters read all you can here. There is a ton of free information.

The Basic Concepts also are good for a quick understanding what the site is about and how Dr. Harley learned to save Marriages. It is at the top in the center of the red banner.

Read and ask lots of questions. Many posters will help but the hard wirk is up to you.

nESRE

I have so much more!! Well my husband an I were in a very bad place in our marriage an things just seem to get worse we both new it was wrong but didn't know what to do about it I guess! Not going to make excuses or best around the bush on where we are now! I asked my husband for a divorce kicked him out an started dating someone then moved that person in. I am making the steps to fix what I have done not sure how to go about it all but I want my husband I don't want what our marriage had become before I want what it was suppose to be! We both were wrong in our marriage both made mastaked but I know how I handled things isn't in anyway how I should have I now struggle with the guilt of all but most feel lik he will never forgive an i thought he was mean before I fear to see how he would make me pay for what I have done! I fear that our issues in the marriage that lead us to this point won't get heard or the work because it will always go back to the afair I am willing to do all that is needed but very fearful at the same time! On a good note it wasn't always bad lots of wonderful memories too an we have two boys our baby boy ahh so amazing!! Adorable!! My oldest baby boy is one of a kind very funny sweet!!!

Rocky

Did you kick the young lad out yet who you moved in yet?

That may be a good place to start as a show to Stike 2 that you are serious.

nESRE

Welcome to Marriage Builders, Rocky!

It sounds like you had an affair?

What would you be willing to do to earn your husband's forgiveness if he gave you that opportunity? Like you said, he might never forgive you, but he might give you an opportunity to earn it. It would require alot of very hard work on your part though.

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

I have so much more!!

Well my husband an I were in a very bad place in our marriage an things just seem to get worse we both new it was wrong but didn't know what to do about it I guess!

You own your choice to have an A 100%. Did Strike 2 really get a vote in that decision?

The state of the M you two share.

Not going to make excuses or best around the bush on where we are now!

I asked my husband for a divorce kicked him out an started dating someone then moved that person in.

I am making the steps to fix what I have done not sure how to go about it all but I want my husband

I don't want what our marriage had become before I want what it was suppose to be!

We both were wrong in our marriage both made mastaked but I know how I handled things isn't in anyway how I should have

I now struggle with the guilt of all but most feel lik he will never forgive an i thought he was mean before I fear to see how he would make me pay for what I have done!

I fear that our issues in the marriage that lead us to this point won't get heard or the work because it will always go back to the afair

I am willing to do all that is needed but very fearful at the same time!

On a good note it wasn't always bad lots of wonderful memories too an we have two boys our baby boy ahh so amazing!! Adorable!! My oldest baby boy is one of a kind very funny sweet!!!

Could you do us a favor and break your posts up so it is easier to read?

As a FWH I am going to tell you at times posters may seem harsh in their responses to you. Some betrayed are raw from the betrayal they have felt with their own situation. There will be a lot of tough questions asked by posters with way more experience than me.

Should a post really trouble you dig deeper into yourself and see what the poster is saying that troubles you. Challenge yourself to learn and grow.

This board does not go easy on waywards.

nESRE

Rocky,

You have made the most important decision to try to fix things, when we do wrong it isn't easy to fix the wrongs but with some hard work and accountability you can have what you are dreaming of........
Educate yourself with the process here and then ask the vets for step by step help.
Listen to them even if it is scary or you think it won't work, you put a plan together with no expectations for a while........you chip away a little every day and you will see your husband will see the changes and respond the way you want.

Your first step is getting rid of the OM for LIFE, he cannot be in your life on any level or your husband will not be able to heal you will not get what you want.
Then you have to be totally transparent with your life and all communication you have with anyone.
Then you PLan A your husband, read up on that......you don't do anything to deplete anything from his love bank for you..........
You become totally honest about everything, and slowly you work through everything..........your new marriage with be based on honesty and working out everything so both of you are happy.
I couldn't be happier you are here and willing.......you should be proud of yourself, you could just walk away but you are here willing to do the work.......that says something about you..........you are still in there just a little lost for a while..............
Take control and change your lives, make it a loving relationship caring about each other...........
talk to you soon
jessi

Quote

I am making the steps to fix what I have done

Rocky, step number one is to end the affair. Have you told your affair partner that the affair is over and is he out of the house?

I am making the changes that I know are needed for things to move forward can't happen over night but I am making them! I know some of what he needs from me not all is clear stil but I am sure it will come slowly

I am trying to do the very simple things lik talk to him and we have never been good at that lol

however it seems to be better, he started doing the work a while ago

while I was still lost but I can tell it's different now when we talk he actually listens to what I am saying

I am trying to listen to him more he just still seems so mad at me rightfully so but I sure wish we were not in this place.

I was angery for so long I just want to let it all go, if I sit and think about certine things I can get to that anger place again easy but I try hard to just not choose to go there

We can't change the past but I guess we have to visit it to get to a future.

I am actually working on that today!

Have you ended your affair and given OM the boot?

Rocky

When I was a WH my W called me out of the blue one day after not talking for about three months. This was before cell phones were even popular or affordable and caller ID.

I had cut all communication with her and exchanges with our son were me waiting by the car as she sent him out or walking him to the door-ringing the bell and when I heard her coming for the door head to the car.

Out of the blue she called me at the OWGF's apt of all places. Had never done that. OWGF and I were going to be moving in together to a new better apt within about a week. I was living in our house that was sold and about ready to be closed on and the OW's.

All my W said was "Baby can we give us another try"

I was stunned. Up to this point in my own twisted mind I didn't even know she wanted me-us or the M or even cared.

I couldn't promise her anything that day. All I said was give me some time to sort this out.

About 2 days later I called her back and said I am moving to XXXX apts by myself. I have a 3 month lease.

I left the OWGF behind dead in the water and lived by myself for 3 months. During that time W and I started seeing each other again.

I did go once to the establishment OW worked in after being back together (with a reliable family friend) with my W and let me tell you there was He!! to pay.

The famous Wayward line-

"Well we were seperated when I went out with her" came out.

That line cuts every person who has ever been betrayed like a sharp knife right between the center of the shoulder blades....

Point of my rambeling is if you want to give Strike a chance then jump in and hold nothing back. Follow this program as best as you can because you two would have the best chance possible to repair your M and possibly make it even better than before.

Get the OM out of your life...PERIOD ----> YOU take the knife and cut him out completely. No back and forth. Never see OM again.

I truely believe now that that one act of cutting out the OW blessed me with many more years of M. Another child. My dream of a boy and a girl were fullilled. Both normal happy and beautiful. Many many happy occasions that I will always be grateful for.

nESRE

Hi everyone, I want to let my wife know how proud of her I am that she has taken this first step. We are still 950 miles away from each other.

Thank you hearing you say you are proud of me means more than you know or would believe right now.

But it truly does mean alot and I thank you!!

There is so much I am sorry for........

I am not sure on how to close the 950ml gap either

Guy's my wife can really use your help. I know we are all waiting for her to end the relationship with her BF because until that happens their is nothing to fix. As for the 950 miles, if or when that will be down the road.

I am 1500 miles from my wayward husband. I decided to relocate back now that he is home from deployment because my kids need him. I see no reconcile in the near future, and that hasn't changed my mind.

I am not going back to reconcile, but I am hoping my WH will see it as my Olive branch for our children. I have four, and realized single parenting is tougher than I imagined.

I didn't want to wake up in ten years and know my WH only saw my children a handful of times because of the 1500 mile gap.

If you want to save your marriage you have to live together.

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

I am not sure on how to close the 950ml gap either

You haven't answered my question, rocky. Did you kick that loser out and end your affair?

Originally Posted by Strike2

Hi everyone, I want to let my wife know how proud of her I am that she has taken this first step. We are still 950 miles away from each other.

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

I am not sure on how to close the 950ml gap either

Originally Posted by Strike2

Guy's my wife can really use your help. I know we are all waiting for her to end the relationship with her BF because until that happens their is nothing to fix. As for the 950 miles, if or when that will be down the road.

When I read this I got goose bumps! Just came in from doing yard work and saw this.

S2 you know what you have to do....right? I suggest you start your own thread and promise each other you will keep off of each others for a while.

Rocky you know what you have to do...right?

Originally Posted by nesre

I left the OWGFLeave the OM behind dead in the water and lived by myself for 3 months. During that time W and I started seeing each other again.

If there is any way to be together as soon as possible when this happens It would would help Rocky through withdrawl. No MB's experience when I went through this. S2 you need to be there to help Rocky through this critical time.

I did go once to the establishment OW worked in after being back together (with a reliable family friend) with my W and let me tell you there was He!! to pay.

Don't see or communicate with the OM in any way. shape, or form.........EVER!

Items in red I added
nESRE

How Affairs Should End

Make sure to carefully read this and discuss it together. Dr. Harley says there is a narrow path to Recovery and deviations from the plan can be disasterous or if not followed can leave a M crippled.

Read.Ask questions.

Best wishes for you two

nESRE

Originally Posted by maritalbliss

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

I am not sure on how to close the 950ml gap either

You haven't answered my question, rocky. Did you kick that loser out and end your affair?

No she has not.

Originally Posted by nesre

Originally Posted by Strike2

Hi everyone, I want to let my wife know how proud of her I am that she has taken this first step. We are still 950 miles away from each other.

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

I am not sure on how to close the 950ml gap either

Originally Posted by Strike2

Guy's my wife can really use your help. I know we are all waiting for her to end the relationship with her BF because until that happens their is nothing to fix. As for the 950 miles, if or when that will be down the road.

When I read this I got goose bumps! Just came in from doing yard work and saw this.

S2 you know what you have to do....right? I suggest you start your own thread and promise each other you will keep off of each others for a while.

Rocky you know what you have to do...right?

Originally Posted by nesre

I left the OWGFLeave the OM behind dead in the water and lived by myself for 3 months. During that time W and I started seeing each other again.

If there is any way to be together as soon as possible when this happens It would would help Rocky through withdrawl. No MB's experience when I went through this. S2 you need to be there to help Rocky through this critical time.

I did go once to the establishment OW worked in after being back together (with a reliable family friend) with my W and let me tell you there was He!! to pay.

Don't see or communicate with the OM in any way. shape, or form.........EVER!

Items in red I added
nESRE

How Affairs Should End

Make sure to carefully read this and discuss it together. Dr. Harley says there is a narrow path to Recovery and deviations from the plan can be disasterous or if not followed can leave a M crippled.

Read.Ask questions.

Best wishes for you two

nESRE

Thanks nesre, I agree I will stay off her thread.

Originally Posted by maritalbliss

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

I am not sure on how to close the 950ml gap either

You haven't answered my question, rocky. Did you kick that loser out and end your affair?

There's talking, and there's doing. They ain't the same, Rocky.
It's time for you to put up or shut up.

Rocky why are you still seeing the OM?

More important why are you silent on this subject when posters ask you?

Rocky you are showing that you don't want to recover your marriage, you are showing that you don't want to let go.

Selfish to keep two men in your life.

Hi Rocky,

Please listen to the advice that you are being given. Kick out OM right away and end contact with him. Until you do, you cannot begin to recover your marriage. Once you do that, try and find a way to be a family again with the children, mom and dad under the safe roof.

Your BH is giving you a huge gift by giving you a chance at potentially recovering your marriage.

Until you end contact, there is nothing more you can do and you are making your BH and children suffer.

How your affair should end:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

Recovery:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5061_qa.html

Rocky, you have no hope of recovering your marriage as long as that loser is occupying space in your life.

Are you serious about recovering your marriage, or not?

I did talk to the om yesterday an told
him how I felt an that I wanted him to move out

is he out, demand it if you are serious, this has to be over if you are serious, do you want to be a better woman or not.........

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

I did talk to the om yesterday an told
him how I felt an that I wanted him to move out

That doesn't make any sense. Why are you talking to him about it? Is it some kind of joint decision you have to make with him, or something?

He sent me a message today saying he would have his stuff out by Friday asked if I was sure I wanted him out an I said yes have not talked to him since! I called my husband an told him the whole convo

didn't mean talk to him lik it was a joint decision thing meant talk to him about wanting him to move out.

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

He sent me a message today saying he would have his stuff out by Friday asked if I was sure I wanted him out an I said yes have not talked to him since! I called my husband an told him the whole convo

Rocky

Way to go!! Dead in the water........

nESRE

my husband is having a hard day today and I wish I knew how to help him reasure him just make it all better for him but idk how or if it's possible even

Rocky

Tell him to start a thread here asap

gotta run. appointmnet

nESRE

ty

my husband and I talked a lot today and for the first time in a really long time we actually talked lik normal people.

I can tell he has done a lot of work on his self he is being nice even when I know it's not easy. I am trying to answer all his questions

talking has always been a weak point of mine so hard enough talking about my feelings on all our issue's in the marriage and the om

but he wants details on the ya know....
I answered what he had asked (extremely difficult) I don't understand why he wants to know the details

he has been in that way with a girl while we have been going throgh this idk when how long nothing

I would rather keep it that way idw to know any details about him and another girl in that way

I think it's just going to hurt him more add details to dwell over and reseant me for I am answering them but not understanding at all!

He ask questions that he isn't going to beielve what I am saying anyways thinking I am telling him what he wants to hear.

I just dont' see where its going to help us seeing it doing more damage if anything.

I understand I created this mess we find our marriage in and that is why I am willing to do what ever he needs and what's important to him even though I don't agree that this convo is goig to help!

I have many fears an I guess hurting him more by giving answers to detailed questions in this matter make those fears much closer to reality

No, you have it wrong, Rocky.

The reasons you need to put the truth out there are as follows:

(1) If you leave it for him to imagine the truth, he can, may and sometimes will imagine the truth to be even worse than what it actually was. By telling him the truth, you will at least allow him to draw limits around some of his mental suffering. [Someone, please find the link to "Joseph's Letter" for Rocky.]

(2) By offering him the full truth, by answering the questions he asks you, you will be demonstrating a commitment to be open and honest with him. If you read up on "Emotional Needs" on this site, you'll realize that openness & honesty are among the most important emotional needs most spouses have, especially in the aftermath of an affair. This is huge.

(3) You haven't got the right to decide FOR him what truth is enough for him to handle. He is not a 3-year old, he is a grown man & he is your husband. By concealing truth from him & evading his questions, you will be disrespecting him at a very fundamental level. That's not a solid foundation for building a better marriage. Show him at least the minimal, basic respect to let HIM decide for himself what he wants to know.

It doesn't matter that he may not have come clean on past issues of his. Two wrongs don't make a right. YOUR job right now is to clean up YOUR side of the street. (Yes, he would be well-advised to do the same for his side, but that should have no bearing on what YOU do.) You either go all-in on recovering a broken marriage after an affair (and see how good it can get, as I have learned); or else you'll fail if you're not all-in, 100% committed.

Originally Posted by GloveOil

[color:#000099]

[Someone, please find the link to "Joseph's Letter" for Rocky.]

Joseph's Letter

Quote

"To Whomever,

"I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to "look" at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn't mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn't he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I'm going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.

"You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you're carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the "STUFF" to figure out OUR reality. There isn't really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don't have.

"Now let's enter my reality. Let's both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever "feel" complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what's the difference, it's not important. Then later when I'm expected to "understand" the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can't just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.

"So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don't you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.

"So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn't come from jealousy, it doesn't come from spitefulness, and it doesn't come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn't it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn't it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can't and the reason I can't is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world."

(end of Joseph's Letter)
_________________________
BS 38
FWW 35
D Day 10/03
Recovery started 11/06
3 boys 12, 8 and a new baby

When life hands you lemons make lemonade then try to find the person life hands vodka and have a party.

Thanks GO. You are a true asset to this board.

nESRE

rocky is the OM still living with you till friday?
So then you do not have NC?

Do not be there when the OM comes to move out. Have a trusted friend be there to see OM take his suff and leave his key.

Rocky, if you are serious about recovering your M, then IMHO you need to pack up your stuff and move to where Strike is. You two need to be under the same roof, not 950 miles apart.

You are the one who needs to make just compensation to your H. You must have NC with the OM and do what it takes to achieve that. Strike has moved and made a new life for himself and your DS. If you want to recover your M, then you need to show him that you are 100% behind building a new life together. In your sitch, I think this is moving to where he is living.

I've been in your shoes. You've been given a chance that you (none of us WS's) deserve, but one I would give anything for...a chance for forgiveness and for rebuilding a passionate, loving M. Grab that brass ring with both hands and go!

I read the letter I understand a lit better about his needs in the subject just because it's not what I would need it is what he needs an I need to do it for him

well we had a good day at first today reminded me of the friend I use to have in him. Toward the end of the work day he wanted

details and I was honest he hasn't wanted to talk to me every since!!! I am sitting here at the house feeling un sure sad that

I know he is hurting because of my mistakes and there is nothing I can do about it. I begged him to just talk to me about it and

we could talk an work out his feelings but he just don't want to talk to me at all.

Feels lik my fears are actually reality..........

feel lik I am trying really hard but actually making him feel worse instead of better.

Hey rock, Im sitting at home feeling like my wayward never cared about me ever. Would give anything for him to be as brave and honest as you were today.
It will hit him like a freight train though. It isnt nice but has to be done to keep his imagination in check.
Other former waywards will prob tell you they have been here....

I keep trying to talk to him about me moving to fla keep telling him that's what I want, need and think is important

for us but he keeps saying he is on the fence about that and just seems lik it's an un pleasant thought for him.

I think its him not trusting me that I won't hurt him or maybe he just doesn't want me around.

I might do the same in his shoes. Hurts to trust again. Give him what he needs. Fight for him! Dont give up, take all the flak.

Use actions to back up words

Then you will be halfway to how being brave he is being by giving you a chance.

'maybe he doesnt want you around?'

Makes no sense. A man who loves you would be hurt at the stuff he heard tonight. At the stuff he has experienced.

He's listening isnt he? He wants to be persuaded. Do it and Mean it.

No the om doesnt stay here has moved his stuff out truck comes tomorrow for the rest

I will not be here never had planned to be.

I do not make contact the om has text me and I am honesnt with my husband

I understand that the job and move has to happen and I have no issue on making that happen.

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

...I do not make contact the om has text me and I am honesnt with my husband ...

A good start, but not good enough until you change your number so that OM has no way to text you. See, it's little or no comfort at all for your husband to hear that you didn't answer OM when he contacted you via text, because the mere idea of contact, and the uncertainty it aggravates, are deeply unsettling for a betrayed spouse -- especially to one who hasn't yet given up on saving the marriage.

Read the book "Surviving An Affair." Read in particular the section starting around page 70 about ending avenues of contact & taking other extraordinary precautions to guard against resumption of an affair.

You must be active in breaking the affair. Not passive. This means that you don't simply tell OM not to call or text or e-mail you, and hope that he complies. Instead, it means that you need to change your cell phone number, change your e-mail address -- in short, you need to take proactive steps to make if harder for OM to contact you. There is no excuse for leaving doors open by which OM can easily contact you, when it would be so easy for you to close those doors.

Consider:
(1) each contact will set you back in your progress toward withdrawing from the affair; and
(2) an end to contact is one of the most important ways by which you can begin to provide reassurance for your spouse about where your loyalty is today, and where your loyalty may be tomorrow -- about whether you're going "all-in" on the marriage or continuing to hedge your bets.

I remember when my wife said to me, "I need for you to never talk to her again." It had taken me a few weeks to "get" that. Take yourself a shortcut and "get" it now! You will be doing yourself and your husband each a favor. Change your number. Get it done by COB tomorrow.

Rocky,

When you were younger, you probably had a friend that you shared all of your deepest thoughts with. That friend probably felt like almost a part of you - someone who was nearly a second "you" - someone who thought like you did, shared your feelings, and you two were very very close. Do you remember someone like that in your youth? This person was most likely a person in your middle school or high school years.

That kind of closeness came from being open to sharing your feelings with that person - openly and honestly. That closeness developed out of a sense that the other person accepted you, and would accept your feelings and inner thoughts without negative reprisals. The way you developed that friendship was by giving that openness to the friend, and by also giving yourself to the friend in the same way.

Your marriage should be no different. In fact, it should be closer. You should be willing to open your most inner self to your husband, offer your deepest thoughts and feelings, your faults and strengths, your sins and wins, your fears and your victories to him. You should be able to ask him anything, and he should be able to ask you anything - and both of you should be able to know that your answers will be accepted by the other as an open and vulnerable honesty from the deepest soul.

That is what creates the bond between the two of you - and that is what keeps OTHER PEOPLE OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP. This is because you don't do this with anyone else. Only one person can really share this with you - and that one person should be your spouse. If you open yourself up to a person in this way, it must be your spouse.

You are asking how to "fix" what you have done? Start with this. Openness and honesty with your husband. Answer his questions, with all of your soul, because this is the only way you can reestablish what you want and need in your marriage

what you call "friendship"

what you two seem to have lost.

That seems to be missing between the two of you. Get it back by ripping that wall down between you. It has to start with you, and it has to start with you being open enough to trust that he isn't going to use this whole thing against you for the rest of your life.

He isn't, because he can't. He can't because once you start giving him that openness and honesty, the vulnerability, he will regain his deeper feelings for you

and he will slowly regain that friendship

and that trust

and ultimately, your marriage will rebuild.

And he won't want to damage what the two of you have rebuilt - because it will be better than what you had to begin with.

It wouldn't make sense to beat it down, would it????

Open yourself up, Rocky. It is your only path to recovery. Trust us.

Oh. By the way, ditch the loser who was willing to break up your marriage. Anyone who is willing to do that is not worth your friendship, let alone anything beyond that. Period.

SB

[b][/b]

Originally Posted by schoolbus

Rocky,

When you were younger, you probably had a friend that you shared all of your deepest thoughts with. That friend probably felt like almost a part of you - someone who was nearly a second "you" - someone who thought like you did, shared your feelings, and you two were very very close. Do you remember someone like that in your youth? This person was most likely a person in your middle school or high school years.

No I never had that in my youth,I have never been the type to open up to people. I had the most to my husband relizing now still wan't open enough. Working on it tho, I really try to explain how I feel as best as I can.

That kind of closeness came from being open to sharing your feelings with that person - openly and honestly. That closeness developed out of a sense that the other person accepted you, and would accept your feelings and inner thoughts without negative reprisals. The way you developed that friendship was by giving that openness to the friend, and by also giving yourself to the friend in the same way.

Your marriage should be no different. In fact, it should be closer. You should be willing to open your most inner self to your husband, offer your deepest thoughts and feelings, your faults and strengths, your sins and wins, your fears and your victories to him. You should be able to ask him anything, and he should be able to ask you anything - and both of you should be able to know that your answers will be accepted by the other as an open and vulnerable honesty from the deepest soul.

I feel like along time ago we were very close to this but we were not talking to each other about all of our feelings.

That is what creates the bond between the two of you - and that is what keeps OTHER PEOPLE OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP. This is because you don't do this with anyone else. Only one person can really share this with you - and that one person should be your spouse. If you open yourself up to a person in this way, it must be your spouse.

You are asking how to "fix" what you have done? Start with this. Openness and honesty with your husband. Answer his questions, with all of your soul, because this is the only way you can reestablish what you want and need in your marriage

what you call "friendship"

what you two seem to have lost.

miss more than I can express truly meant the world to me!!!

That seems to be missing between the two of you. Get it back by ripping that wall down between you. It has to start with you, and it has to start with you being open enough to trust that he isn't going to use this whole thing against you for the rest of your life.

He isn't, because he can't. He can't because once you start giving him that openness and honesty, the vulnerability, he will regain his deeper feelings for you

and he will slowly regain that friendship

and that trust

and ultimately, your marriage will rebuild.

And he won't want to damage what the two of you have rebuilt - because it will be better than what you had to begin with.

It wouldn't make sense to beat it down, would it????

Open yourself up, Rocky. It is your only path to recovery. Trust us.

I thank you for this post--helping at a much needed time. I guess I am having a hard night.

Oh. By the way, ditch the loser who was willing to break up your marriage. Anyone who is willing to do that is not worth your friendship, let alone anything beyond that. Period.

SB

[color:#FF0000][/color]

Rocky,

The way to open up is to understand that other people are more broken than you are.

SB

Rocky,

You ask how to help him heal?

Look at your own scars.

Tell him where they are, and what caused them.

Then, look at the scars YOU PUT ON HIS HEART.

Tell him why you put them there, how you did it, and what you plan to do to never do it again.

In that process, you will heal him, and yourself.

And through that you will also find that friendship you lost.

SB

Hint:

Marriage Builders offers you the plan and the process to do this.

SB

Second hint:

Kick the boyfriend out, and never talk to him again, in any way, shape, form, fashion or method again.

Ever.

Write your letter of no contact tonight, and you will begin to feel much better about yourself. I promise.

Next, call your parents and your husband's family, and apologize for being so stupid and having an affair. Post it publicly, on your Facebook, to let everyone know that you need their support in fixing the damage you have done to your marriage. Ask them to help you by no longer contacting your affair partner, no longer keeping tabs on him for you, and no longer updating you on his life or whereabouts. Let them know you wish to attempt to repair your marriage, and that you apologize to them for everything you have put them through.

And apologize publicly to your husband.

This won't be easy. But it is a start to repairing what you have done, and it will show your husband you are serious about making repairs for the damage you have done.

and regarding having to pay for the rest of your life?

We all pay, in one way or another, IF WE DO NOT LEARN FROM OUR MISTAKES, IF WE DO NOT APOLOGIZE, IF WE DO NOW OWN WHAT WE HAVE DONE. So the sooner you do this, the quicker you will be moving past that more difficult part. In fact, people will be shocked that you own it and apologize for it. They will respect - yes, respect - you for it.

Then, call your husband and tell him you have apologized to the family.

Then, make your plans to move closer to your husband, because you cannot save this marriage from a distance. No excuses.

And, read this website and begin your changes for protecting your marriage from future affairs. Because you need to do this.

Look up "extraordinary precautions". Last hint.

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

I did talk to the om yesterday an told
him how I felt an that I wanted him to move out

I guess I wasn't clear enough. Pack his stuff up and put it in the driveway. Tell him to GET OUT.

Do not discuss this with him. If you absolutely must, explain it this way: "Loser, I have realized that I am a MARRIED WOMAN who has been crawling into bed with ANOTHER MAN. I have realized that this is wrong. You have to leave now so that I can repair my marriage. Now leave, or I'll have to call the Police."

Originally Posted by nesre

All my W said was "Baby can we give us another try"

I was stunned. Up to this point in my own twisted mind I didn't even know she wanted me-us or the M or even cared.

I left the OWGF behind dead in the water and lived by myself for 3 months. During that time W and I started seeing each other again.

Point of my rambeling is if you want to give Strike a chance then jump in and hold nothing back. Follow this program as best as you can because you two would have the best chance possible to repair your M and possibly make it even better than before.

Get the OM out of your life...PERIOD ----> YOU take the knife and cut him out completely. No back and forth. Never see OM again.

I truely believe now that that one act of cutting out the OW blessed me with many more years of M. Another child. My dream of a boy and a girl were fullilled. Both normal happy and beautiful. Many many happy occasions that I will always be grateful for.

nESRE

Schoolbus laid out a plan beautifully for you.

I have no regrets at this point about the years of M I had with my W after this. We had no one guiding us but us. Didn't know about MB's until 2007.

Really take the plan laid out before you to heart.

I think this song really sums it up.

You two are in my prayers.

nESRE

Well explained to my husband that I wanted to move where he was so we can start working on us an a new marriage expressed how important it was to me an why

he says that isn't what he wants
that he isn't ready for that

He is excited about his new life
ya know the one with out me in it

says sometimes he wants me but when he hurts he doesn't

I am not having a good day very emotional
I have tried talking to him all day but he keeps finding ways to be to busy
but I know he is avoiding me

Rocky

Did you read ALL the posts above that Schoolbus posted last night?

She laid out A PLAN 4 YOU. The PLAN is not dependant on what S2 does or does not do. The plan is 4 YOU.

nESRE

He's given you a great hint. Thank him for it someday

"When he hurts he doesn't"

So stop hurting him, act on the great plan youve been given, start healing him...

Originally Posted by indiegirl

He's given you a great hint. Thank him for it someday

"When he hurts he doesn't"

So stop hurting him, act on the great plan youve been given, start healing him...

He is being gut honest with you Rocky.

Go back and read Schoolbusses posts-ALL OF THEM>

She laid out a plan of ACTION.

When we are active WW/WH our words mean nothing.

OUr actIONS DO..........

nESRE

ROCKY: Some posters have been here longer than I have, and I can't hold a candle to some of them, so I don't want this to sound presumptuous, but just anecdotally speaking, I have noticed that the wayward spouses who blow off my posts tend to disappear from these forums without doing what it takes to save a marriage & make it better. They tend to be more talk than action when it comes to actually taking steps to help stop their betrayed spouses' bleeding & start repairing their marriages.

Yesterday, I gave you a very simple assignment: Change your cellphone # so that OM can no longer text you.
Easy, right? Not even much reading required.

And instead of addressing that in your post, you're here woe-is-me'ing about how it's been a tough day for you.

Did you change the number to help cut off contact with OM, so that it could be an easier day for your husband?
Or are you just talk instead of action?

Originally Posted by GloveOil

ROCKY: Some posters have been here longer than I have, and I can't hold a candle to some of them, so I don't want this to sound presumptuous, but just anecdotally speaking, I have noticed that the wayward spouses who blow off my posts tend to disappear from these forums without doing what it takes to save a marriage & make it better. They tend to be more talk than action when it comes to actually taking steps to help stop their betrayed spouses' bleeding & start repairing their marriages.

Yesterday, I gave you a very simple assignment: Change your cellphone # so that OM can no longer text you.
Easy, right? Not even much reading required.

And instead of addressing that in your post, you're here woe-is-me'ing about how it's been a tough day for you.

Did you change the number to help cut off contact with OM, so that it could be an easier day for your husband?
Or are you just talk instead of action?

Such a great and simple way to help your BH.

BH here's my new cell number I changed it so the OM can't contact me any more.

Rocky,

Your posts are all about

YOU.

Funny, don't you think?

It is all about what YOU feel.

What YOU can or cannot do. And you blame your lack of action on what your husband says.

You are very good at blaming him, aren't you????

In order to fix this mess YOU have created,

YOU need to take action

YOU need to get up off of YOUR butt

YOU need to do something YOUR VERY OWN SELF

YOU need to stop talking and DO something.

The affair was NOT about your husband.
The affair was all about YOU.
It was about what YOU wanted.
It was about what YOU decided.
It was about what YOU were thinking.
It was about what YOU were "feeling".

It was YOUR stupid mistake.

And it is YOUR mess to clean up!!!!

Do NOT call your husband to ask him what you should do to fix it.

YOU need to fix it.

Your husband will be on an emotional rollercoaster because YOU PUT HIM ON THAT ROLLERCOASTER!!!!!!

YOU bought him that ticket.
YOU did that, by having your affair, by having your boyfriend, by having intimacy with another man.
Oh yes, this is alllll about YOU.

And the 2 X 4 I am swinging right now is all about getting you to wake up. I am not being mean. I am trying to smack you into reality.

You need to get a grip on the reality that your husband is hurt and angry because YOU had an affair. He may very well have an instinct that he wants you away from him. The fact is that the only way to repair the marriage is to actually have time together - to see one another face to face.

That is...AFTER YOU HAVE STOPPED ALL CONTACT with your affair partner.

Have you done that yet????

Have you?

That is the easy first step, Rocky. I know you think you need to "ease away" from the OM. The fact is that you need to cut that contact cold-turkey, and be done with the creep. Done, done, done.

Forever done. No looking back.

Do that, and move back where you belong.

You will begin to realize exactly how stupid you have been when that fog lifts in just a few weeks.

And your husband will begin to benefit by seeing YOUR ACTIONS - he will be able to see you begin to change for the better. He will see you stop contact, move closer, and pay attention to the rebuilding of the marriage.

Those are things YOU control.

So instead of this ridiculous pity party YOU are throwing for YOUR SELF

why not concentrate on repairing the wounds you have inflicted on your husband instead?

I will GUARANTEE this: when you begin to work on your husband's wounds, magically YOUR wounds will heal.

It is a strange fact, but true.

SB

I have changed my number today! I have apolgized to some so far not all yet his family has

hated me since the very first day they met me never really been around them much but I will apoligize to them and thank them for being there for my husband when I was putting him though all of this

that I am very thankful to them for and sorry I have caused so much pain!

I answer his questions honestly but then he doesnt want to talk to me at all hurts more

I am reading and try really hard to talk to my husband!ireally think I just hurt him to much and He is excitied about that new life--the happy painless one without me in it.

which he deserves to be happy and safe and not hurt anymore I just want us both to have that together and I think he can only see it with out me. I am gonna keep trying and follow the plan but I truly think he will never forgive me never want me back with him

I will resepct what he chooses
I will keep trying I am willing to do anything he needs

I am with everything I am sorry for hurting my husband and family there are no excuses I can't change the past and the mistakes/horrible choices I have made

what else can I do?? he doesn't want me to come to him I can't just show up when he is telling me he doesn't want me around him

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

I have changed my number today!

This is progress, RockyD. This is a good step.

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

...what else can I do?? he doesn't want me to come to him I can't just show up when he is telling me he doesn't want me around him

The battle for your marriage isn't one you can win in a day, or a week.
Some days will be better. Some days will feel like you've fallen backwards. That's how he feels.

He could've sicked a lawyer on you already. He hasn't. In your sitch, that's progress in itself.

Keep fighting each new day. Don't worry about your need to talk to him. Some days he may need that, some days he may not. Try to gauge each day what he needs from you for that day.

Have you gotten "Surviving An Affair" yet?
It was one of the most important reads of my life. Just sayin'.

Originally Posted by schoolbus

Rocky,

Your posts are all about

YOU.

Funny, don't you think?

It is all about what YOU feel.

What YOU can or cannot do. And you blame your lack of action on what your husband says.

You are very good at blaming him, aren't you????

I am not blaming him for what I have done they are mine and I am trying to deal with them own them learn from them

In order to fix this mess YOU have created,

YOU need to take action

YOU need to get up off of YOUR butt

YOU need to do something YOUR VERY OWN SELF

YOU need to stop talking and DO something.

The affair was NOT about your husband.
The affair was all about YOU.
It was about what YOU wanted.
It was about what YOU decided.
It was about what YOU were thinking.
It was about what YOU were "feeling".

It was YOUR stupid mistake.

And it is YOUR mess to clean up!!!!

Do NOT call your husband to ask him what you should do to fix it.

YOU need to fix it.

Your husband will be on an emotional rollercoaster because YOU PUT HIM ON THAT ROLLERCOASTER!!!!!!

YOU bought him that ticket.
YOU did that, by having your affair, by having your boyfriend, by having intimacy with another man.
Oh yes, this is alllll about YOU.

And the 2 X 4 I am swinging right now is all about getting you to wake up. I am not being mean. I am trying to smack you into reality.

You need to get a grip on the reality that your husband is hurt and angry because YOU had an affair. He may very well have an instinct that he wants you away from him. The fact is that the only way to repair the marriage is to actually have time together - to see one another face to face.

That is...AFTER YOU HAVE STOPPED ALL CONTACT with your affair partner.

Have you done that yet????
Yes I have!!
Have you?

That is the easy first step, Rocky. I know you think you need to "ease away" from the OM. The fact is that you need to cut that contact cold-turkey, and be done with the creep. Done, done, done.

Forever done. No looking back.

Do that, and move back where you belong.

You will begin to realize exactly how stupid you have been when that fog lifts in just a few weeks.

And your husband will begin to benefit by seeing YOUR ACTIONS - he will be able to see you begin to change for the better. He will see you stop contact, move closer, and pay attention to the rebuilding of the marriage.

Those are things YOU control.

So instead of this ridiculous pity party YOU are throwing for YOUR SELF

why not concentrate on repairing the wounds you have inflicted on your husband instead?

I am trying I am trying to learn how

I will GUARANTEE this: when you begin to work on your husband's wounds, magically YOUR wounds will heal.

It is a strange fact, but true.

SB

I have cut all contact I have changed my number I am read what I can to learn how to give my husband what he need's from me

I am going to cousling for myself starting next week......

I in no way am trying to throw myself a pity party or take away from what I have done and the pain I have caused my husband

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

I have cut all contact I have changed my number I am read what I can to learn how to give my husband what he need's from me

I am going to cousling for myself starting next week......

I in no way am trying to throw myself a pity party or take away from what I have done and the pain I have caused my husband

Rocky

Its one of the biggest weekends of the year so my suggestion to you would be to read all you can here. If you have questions post them but expect respones to be slow. I myself have company coming in a short time.

Good to see you listened to others and have taken the first step. Cutting off contact and keeping no contact is highly critical and one of most important ways to show S2 you are serious. Talking to the family also was good.

Remember feelings follow actions. Keep this in mind. When you take and make consistant actions in the direction of healing the M hopefully feelings will follow. We are all human and the feelings may not follow as fast as we like.

GO is right and this MB's is a process and all your problems wont be gone by next week. Think of the process as a marathon not a short sprint.

Be careful with the I/C. A lot of them just want to see there client out of pain and take shortcuts to get the client there. Make sure she knows your goals and as the paying client will help you and support you to get there. If they wont fire them on the spot and find one that will.

Gotta run
nESRE

Rocky,

My point is that you stop focusing on your own pain.

Think about this:

You have stabbed someone, and you then complain that YOU have to clean up the mess of blood on the floor.

Do you see that you should focus on stopping the bleeding wound instead, and not the mess on the floor? Focus on the major issue, which is the major wound - YOUR HUSBAND'S PAIN.

You see, it is by helping to heal your husband's pain that your own pain will heal.

I swear to you that the only way you will heal is if you focus your efforts on his pain.

Here is how this works:

1. You stop all contact with the OM. This reduces your husband's pain and worry about your continuing the affair. It won't "cure" it, but it is a step in the right direction for YOUR HUSBAND.

The by-product for you? Because you are stepping away from the OM, your addiction to the sensation and ego-stroking that the affair with him gave you will lessen. As soon as 3 or 4 weeks from now, your head will begin to clear up, and you will start to see how this OM was not as "special" as you once thought. You will also begin to see how destructive his influence was on your own life, and how you allowed your fantasies about him and a fantasy life with him to destroy your marriage. You will also start to realize that the fantasies about this OM were actually the BEGINNING of the issues with your husband - the CAUSE of the problems - and that the problems with your husband could have been solved much more easily had you NOT had the affair. YOU benefit by helping your husband's pain. Even though you think you will hurt when you cut off contact with OM, in the final analysis, you end up benefitting.

2. Apologizing to everyone publicly helps to heal your husband's pain. This gives your husband's family and friends the information that HE is in the right in this situation in your marriage, and that you have taken 100% of the blame for your affair. This tells your husband that you are willing to publicly acknowledge your wrong, and that he does not have to stand up anywhere and explain what has happened, and that YOU will do this for him and stand up for him always regarding this situation. That is a heavy load to carry! You relieve him of this, and take the doubt out of anyone else's mind about why "he" might have driven you to an affair, or why he was such a bad husband that you "had to have an affair". By apologizing publicly, you REMOVE this and you take this out of the mix. He is NOT AT FAULT, and you tell everyone this for a FACT.

YOU benefit because other people see you as a woman who is willing to apologize for what she has done wrong, and take her hits when she deserves them. Also, your husband now knows that you will humble yourself when you should - and admit your mistakes willingly when you are in the wrong. This means that he can count on you to stand up when you are right, stand up for him when he is right, and to admit when you are wrong: these are the marks of a person who is honest. That is someone who is worth being married to! YOU BENEFIT when you apologize, when you MEAN your apology. So make sure you apologize to all the right people, and mean it. (For what it's worth, I can tell that you do mean your apology!)

3. When you make the changes to your phone number, and you MOVE CLOSER to your husband, and you change your behavior to meet his emotional needs, you are doing things that are meant to improve the relationship between the two of you. When you make efforts to do the things that your husband enjoys, and to meet the needs that he has, you are doing things to help him recover.

His recovery, which may be slow, means that he may be able to feel closer to YOU. Which

benefits YOU.

With each thing that you do FOR HIM

YOU BENEFIT.

Soooooooo,

stop focusing on yourself.

It is not productive.

Focus on doing the things that heal your husband. If making a change in your own behavior makes you a better person, do it. Because you SHOULD be a better person. In terms of the marital relationship, TAKE ACTION that meets your HUSBAND'S needs.

Those are the things you should be doing.

SB

Rocky, SB is spot-on here:

Originally Posted by schoolbus

Here is how this works:

1. You stop all contact with the OM. This reduces your husband's pain and worry about your continuing the affair. It won't "cure" it, but it is a step in the right direction for YOUR HUSBAND.

The by-product for you? Because you are stepping away from the OM, your addiction to the sensation and ego-stroking that the affair with him gave you will lessen. As soon as 3 or 4 weeks from now, your head will begin to clear up, and you will start to see how this OM was not as "special" as you once thought. You will also begin to see how destructive his influence was on your own life, and how you allowed your fantasies about him and a fantasy life with him to destroy your marriage. You will also start to realize that the fantasies about this OM were actually the BEGINNING of the issues with your husband - the CAUSE of the problems - and that the problems with your husband could have been solved much more easily had you NOT had the affair. YOU benefit by helping your husband's pain. Even though you think you will hurt when you cut off contact with OM, in the final analysis, you end up benefitting.

Rocky, you'll see that the POSOM didn't care about you. Anyone who truly cared about you would have LEFT YOUR M ALONE. The OM showed the ultimate level of disrespect for you by disrespecting your M and your BH as well. When we marry we become one. Whether you consider it disrespect to you or disrespect to your husband (really, it's both) it goes both ways. Yes, you share the blame for your A but the OM is not blameless either - he chose to make a married woman how wh*re. That's not love, it's not respect. Anyone who is low enough to disregard a marriage vow - and that includes you and me, as I was a WW myself - is NOT a good person. Cut the cord cleanly and never look back, regardless of how things turn out with you & Strike.

Originally Posted by schoolbus

2. Apologizing to everyone publicly helps to heal your husband's pain. This gives your husband's family and friends the information that HE is in the right in this situation in your marriage, and that you have taken 100% of the blame for your affair. This tells your husband that you are willing to publicly acknowledge your wrong, and that he does not have to stand up anywhere and explain what has happened, and that YOU will do this for him and stand up for him always regarding this situation. That is a heavy load to carry! You relieve him of this, and take the doubt out of anyone else's mind about why "he" might have driven you to an affair, or why he was such a bad husband that you "had to have an affair". By apologizing publicly, you REMOVE this and you take this out of the mix. He is NOT AT FAULT, and you tell everyone this for a FACT.

YOU benefit because other people see you as a woman who is willing to apologize for what she has done wrong, and take her hits when she deserves them. Also, your husband now knows that you will humble yourself when you should - and admit your mistakes willingly when you are in the wrong. This means that he can count on you to stand up when you are right, stand up for him when he is right, and to admit when you are wrong: these are the marks of a person who is honest. That is someone who is worth being married to! YOU BENEFIT when you apologize, when you MEAN your apology. So make sure you apologize to all the right people, and mean it. (For what it's worth, I can tell that you do mean your apology!)

This was one of the most difficult steps I undertook. When my H and I were together and trying to reconcile, he didn't want his family to know (he didn't feel they would be helpful b/c of the issues of infidelity in their pasts), and the only one in the family who the A had been exposed to was his aunt. I'd lied to her in the beginning too, but once I finally admitted to the PA I told her the truth as well. When my H moved out at the beginning of this year, I called his sister and told her thr truth. I sat down with his stepmother and told her the truth. I called his mother and asked her to come over so we could talk, and told her thr truth. See, I didn't want H to bear any of the blame for our separation. I didn't want his family to believe he was at fault in any of this. It hurts, because I know his family doesn't feel the same about me, but it was a consequence I brought on myself by having an A.

Originally Posted by schoolbus

3. When you make the changes to your phone number, and you MOVE CLOSER to your husband, and you change your behavior to meet his emotional needs, you are doing things that are meant to improve the relationship between the two of you. When you make efforts to do the things that your husband enjoys, and to meet the needs that he has, you are doing things to help him recover.

Rocky, can I ask you, what is there for you, in your life 950 miles away from Strike? The OM? Memories of the A? Again, regardless of how things turn out for you and Strike, this is your chance to begin again, to remove any ties you have to the OM. Yes, Strike may be saying he doesn't want you to move there just now...but think about what your actions will say, if you pack up all your belongings and you move, find a place to stay near Strike...Rocky, that speaks volumes. Volumes.

Originally Posted by schoolbus

His recovery, which may be slow, means that he may be able to feel closer to YOU. Which

benefits YOU.

With each thing that you do FOR HIM

YOU BENEFIT.

Soooooooo,

stop focusing on yourself.

It is not productive.

Focus on doing the things that heal your husband. If making a change in your own behavior makes you a better person, do it. Because you SHOULD be a better person. In terms of the marital relationship, TAKE ACTION that meets your HUSBAND'S needs.

Those are the things you should be doing.

SB

Regardless of what happens in your M, you gotta fix the hole in your character that allowed you to cheat, Rocky. All waywards - myself included - have a hole in their character.

I agree too, with nesre's advice on the IC - watch out. Early in my M, before my H and I had even had kids, I ended up going to IC on my own. I wanted MC, but H refused. My goal was to figure out how to "fix" my M. My IC was lousy. Her advice was to get a D. I didn't, and stopped seeing that IC, but we never "fixed" our problems. I started IC again after H left me, and I could tell her goal was not to tell me how to build a better M, or how to be a better wife, but she wanted to help me "feel better"...she was trying to advise me to "move on." I quit going to her, too. I know what I want, and what I want to fight for, and it's not a D and "healthy" single-ness.

It's a romantic, passionate, committed M with the man I love, and I haven't given up on it yet.

Make a grand gesture, Rocky. Show Strike you ain't giving up yet.

I thank all of you!! I have been thinking of moving anyways I hear my husband and he isn't ready for me to be there

but I also think it's really important for me to help him the ways he needs and going to need me I need to be there closer atleast

I haven't told him yet even, but I am making the plans to just move there maybe get an apartment close by so I am there for him
that way when he needs space and time he has that to

I thank all of you for helping me help my husband!!!!!!!!!!

Rocky, I have nothing to add to the brilliant things that others have advised you to do, what I do want to do is tell you how lucky you are.

You have some AMAZING people guiding you. Listen to what they are saying to you and examine WHY they are saying these things to you. Look at yourself. Fix what you need to fix. You owe it to yourself, your marriage, and your husband.

Rocky - stop the bleeding and get moving.

The boys need you both and you need to prove with your words and actions to Strike that you are truly remorseful and ready.

Finish your assignments and if at all possible get in with one of the good Dr's here.

Strike is giving you a great chance. Stick with it.

I am following the advice given I am trying to help my husband and give him what he needs while trying to learn what all those needs are

there are times where I think we are making progress there are other times I feel like I am failing at meeting his needs and making him feel better! maybe prgress is lik a windy road...? idk!

we are taking things slowly--I have read every tab on this site some parts several times! truly worried about tom its the 4th and my husband is away from both our boys and I know he is hurting for all I have done to him

sry just doesn't come close

its lik yea a gun shot wound

I have to stop the bleeding from the wound before I can clean up the mess and I am the one who created the wound...try swollowing that for a dose of reality.

So far I feel lik nothing I do or say helps not that I blame him for it meaning nothing....................................

I send request for telephone cousiling havent discussed it with my husband yet but with the 950mls between us seem like the best start untill I am able to make the move closer to him. I called

my relator to rent my current house been looking online for a job in fla today.

He isn't talking to me today, he hasn't told anyone that we have been talking that's why he refuses me to talk to his family so I can apologize

he doesn't want anyone to know ashamed I guess doesn't want them to think of him as a fool and he knows all to well they have from day one disaproved of me

now that I am truly the monster that has caused so much pain truly don't blame them for their advice to him there opion has always meant the most to him.

I tried to express how sry I was to him for putting him in that spot explained why I wanted to apoloigies to them so he didn't have to carry all of that but he isn't having it

You may just have to drop what you're doing now and just pack what you can and move. NOW. Not when the house is listed or even rented or when you have a job. NOW.

Get yourself to Florida - reunite the boys and reconnect with your husband.

Rocky 7 1 11

Quote

I have changed my number today! I have apolgized to some so far not all yet his family has

hated me since the very first day they met me never really been around them much but I will apoligize to them and thank them for being there for my husband when I was putting him though all of this

that I am very thankful to them for and sorry I have caused so much pain!

Rocky

I read this quick and took it to mean you had talked to some of the family.

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

I send request for telephone cousiling havent discussed it with my husband yet but with the 950mls between us seem like the best start untill I am able to make the move closer to him.
Clarify please-This is to the Harleys right?

I called my relator to rent my current house been looking online for a job in fla today.

He isn't talking to me today, he hasn't told anyone that we have been talking that's why he refuses me to talk to his family so I can apologize[color:#990000}

he doesn't want anyone to know

ashamed I guess

[color:#000099]Unless S2 told you this information it is a DJ (disrespectful judgement)
doesn't want them to think of him as a fool and he knows all to well they have from day one disaproved of me Unless S2 told you this information it is a DJ

now that I am truly the monster that has caused so much pain truly don't blame them for their advice to him

there opion has always meant the most to him.[/color] Unless S2 told you this information it is a DJ

I tried to express how sry I was to him for putting him in that spot

I believe you mean it

explained why I wanted to apoloigies to them so he didn't have to carry all of that but he isn't having it

Rocky

At this point honesty with your actions is the only way to show S2 you are really serious.

I did not read anywhere in any posts to discuss the suggestions with S2 you were given.

You see this is all about you now trying to correct what has happened.

This is about truely changing Rocky with her actions that back it up into all the Synonyms listed below.

honesty (noun)

hon�es�ty noun \ˈ�-nəs-tē\

Definition of HONESTY

2a : fairness and straightforwardness of conduct b : adherence to the facts : sincerity

3: any of a genus (Lunaria) of European herbs of the mustard family with toothed leaves and flat disk-shaped siliques

Examples of HONESTY
She is admired for her kindness and her honesty.
He demands honesty from everyone who works for him.
He didn't even have enough honesty to tell me he was leaving.

Related to HONESTY
Synonyms: integrity, probity, truthfulness, veracity, verity
Antonyms: deceit, deceitfulness, dishonesty, lying, mendaciousness, mendacity, untruthfulness

Related Words: honor, honorableness, incorruptibility, rectitude, righteousness, right-mindedness, scrupulosity, scrupulousness, uprightness; artlessness, candidness, candor, forthrightness, frankness, good faith, guilelessness, ingenuousness, plainspokenness, sincerity, straightforwardness; dependability, reliability, reliableness, trustability, trustiness, trustworthiness; accuracy, objectivity; authenticity, correctness, genuineness, truth; credibility
Synonym Discussion of HONESTY
honesty, honor, integrity, probity mean uprightness of character or action. honesty implies a refusal to lie, steal, or deceive in any way. honor suggests an active or anxious regard for the standards of one's profession, calling, or position. integrity implies trustworthiness and incorruptibility to a degree that one is incapable of being false to a trust, responsibility, or pledge. probity implies tried and proven honesty or integrity.

That change carries much more weight with credibility when it comes from you directly. His family may not care much for you now but at least they will have to acknowledge that you were honest and stood up for your M. Share with them your plans. You may be surprised. They may support you. They may not tell you that or could be quite pessimistic. This is about your M. Not theirs. You are now trying to right the wrong and actions will show them you do mean business.

Those issues you discussed above about the family need to be discussed further down the road possibly when you two reach the recovery stage. Please try to follow what was suggested in previous posts.

Please stay off S2's thread and would suggest you do what is possible for YOU to clean up your side of the street. No one else can do it for you. It is your responsibility.

Remember what Schoolbus said-

Originally Posted by schoolbus

why not concentrate on repairing the wounds you have inflicted on your husband instead?

I will GUARANTEE this: when you begin to work on your husband's wounds, magically YOUR wounds will heal.

It is a strange fact, but true.

SB

Take responsibility

Apologize-Your true honesty may shock them and leave them speechless

Get your tail near S2 ASAP even if it is not living together. At least be close by.

nESRE

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

I am following the advice given I am trying to help my husband and give him what he needs while trying to learn what all those needs are

The 950 miles needs to be resolved ASAP

there are times where I think we are making progress there are other times I feel like I am failing at meeting his needs and making him feel better! maybe prgress is lik a windy road...? idk!

Most here describe it as "the roller coaster" up one day down the next

we are taking things slowly--I have read every tab on this site some parts several times! truly worried about tom its the 4th and my husband is away from both our boys and I know he is hurting for all I have done to him

sry just doesn't come close

Your actions will back up that "Im sorry"

its lik yea a gun shot wound

I have to stop the bleeding from the wound before I can clean up the mess and I am the one who created the wound...try swollowing that for a dose of reality.

Its a huge dose

So far I feel lik nothing I do or say helps not that I blame him for it meaning nothing....................................

Give yourself a little credit here.

You have gone N/C with the OM.

You changed your cell # and let S2 know the reason for it.

Your checking into preparing a move to be closer.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other. When you complete an action take steps to complete the next right one. You have some very good posters with way more experience than I to help guide you.

Your doing good so far. Keep coming back. Make sure to read my last post also.

Best wishes.

nESRE

Rocky,

Ok I'm just going to say it.

You need to start FIGHTING for your marriage.

Of course S2 doesn't know what he wants anymore. He's still trying to figure out if you are coming back through the revolving door.

Your actions are what S2 is looking at. OK you kicked OM out but you are afraid to move closer to S2 because he is unsure.

Really?

If you truly want to save your marriage, you need to be willing to do whatever it takes. You need to show S2 that you will fight for him no matter what he says.

Show him that you are back and you are NOT leaving without him.

Don't give up !!

I told my husband today that me and the boys were coming to him! My realitor say my house can be rented by September 1st I am not

waiting that long to make the move but gives me sometime to get things handled with the house and all involved with that.

I told my husband that whatever ep that he needed I had no issues with he could even install that spy stuff. I understand that he needs those things to prove I am telling him the truth

I have a long list of things to get done and I actually wrote it all down to insure they are get completed. I am putting in

my notice at work tom I know that is a huge issue for my husband

I sent the cousling request yea through this web site. We had good talks I am so proud of my husband.

Rocky

I am happy for all four of you!

nESRE

brilliant news

Rocky,

I am proud of the actions you are taking!

Each time you DO something that shows your husband you are willing and able to make changes.

Keep moving in the right direction. Each time you think before you act, and then make the correct choice that benefits your husband, you feel better, don't you?

Isn't that strange? You choose what is right for the other person

yet

YOU seem to benefit.

A very interesting thing about friendship, about love, about marriage.

Choose what is right for the other person, and you will benefit.

Notice I didn't say, "choose what the other person 'wants'" and I didn't say, "choose what the other person 'likes best' or 'feels good'". I said

CHOOSE WHAT IS RIGHT.

That is not always the answer that feels best.
That is not always the answer that is popular with everyone.
That is not always the easiest thing to do.

In the end, however, it will always be the answer you can stand behind with dignity and honor, knowing it was the RIGHT thing to do.

And you will never regret doing the right thing. Especially when you know in your heart you were doing what you gave careful consideration and thought to doing, and came to a thoughtful answer that it was the right thing to do for someone else. You see, if you set your own wants and desires aside, and you step outside of those things, and you choose carefully to meet the needs of someone else instead, your life changes dramatically.

You find out very quickly that you have a strength inside of you that grows in intensity each time you do something for another person. Each time you choose to do the right thing for the other person, this strength increases. Another thing that happens is that the other person reacts differently towards you. At first, they wonder to themselves, "What does she want?" Then, after you keep doing this, they wonder, "What is wrong with her? She keeps doing stuff for me." Then, because YOU keep becoming a better person, a stronger person, they see this TRUE CHANGE IN YOU. They begin to wonder, "I wonder what changed her?"

After awhile, they begin to think very differently of you. They start thinking, "She's really changed. She used to be lost, like someone who didn't really know what was going on. But now she is tuned in, and knows everything about people, and seems like a happy person - and I can trust her. She's so...real. She's stronger now."

If you FIRST meet the needs of the other person in every relationship you have - EVEN IF YOU DO NOT LIKE THE OTHER PERSON - you will gain this strength. YOU benefit.

You.
Benefit.

Inner strength is gained by giving away of your self.

It is one gift that you receive ONLY by giving.

Try this approach for a week. See what happens in your relationships. Even try it with those relatives who "hate" you.

I just wish I could take his pain away!

Nothing I say or DO seems to help

We have good talks through out the day but he is always going to bed so hurt an mad an I just want to make it all better for him

I keep trying but how can you stop the pain when you caused it

when he talks to me he hurts.......... I want to carry his pain I love my husband

I feel lik a horrible monster not worth having my husband!

He isn't talking to me today but if he were I would tell him I am putting in notice

Just be honest and transparent. Take it one day at a time.
Try your best to be there for him and meet his needs.
Show him through your actions that you are sorry and that you want to be it work. Clean up your side of the fence.

Good luck!:) Wishing you and your family the best.

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

I just wish I could take his pain away!

Nothing I say or DO seems to help

We have good talks through out the day but he is always going to bed so hurt an mad an I just want to make it all better for him

I keep trying but how can you stop the pain when you caused it

when he talks to me he hurts.......... I want to carry his pain I love my husband

I feel lik a horrible monster not worth having my husband!

Rocky,

Just be there for him ... no matter what.

Let him be mad ... let him get it out.

Show him that you really want him. Let him see you fight for him. It gets better...it takes time.

Keep taking those steps forward and don't give up on him and you.

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

I feel lik a horrible monster not worth having my husband!

Rocky,

This may be his biggest fear. That you may not be up to it and will bolt again.

Just keep showing him by your actions that you are in it forever. Do whatever it takes.

Give him time to see that you really mean it.

You can do it.

Rocky,

Part of your own recovery includes feeling your guilt and shame.

That is actually healthy for you. Guilt and shame are natural reactions, and come as a result of you awakening from your fantasy life and seeing the REAL world.

Embrace your guilt and shame, because they tell you about the truth of what you have done.

You talk a great deal about your desire to help your husband with his pain.

I can see that you understand that you are the cause of his pain. This is an important thing to tell your husband, and one of the ways that you can help him to recover from what you have done is to tell him that you know you caused his pain.

Don't tell your husband that anything he did "made" you have an affair, because the truth is that your husband did not choose an affair for you. You chose to have an affair - and when your husband hears you take that responsibility it helps to heal his pain. You help your husband heal when you tell him that, and when you tell him that you know that you caused his pain.

You also help him to heal when you STOP focusing on the rollercoaster he is on.

Your understanding that he is on a rollercoaster is very important. He is on an emotional rollercoaster, and his feelings toward you will go up and down. There will be times that you and he will have a conversation, and within that conversation he may say things that are very encouraging, and then he may sound very hurtful toward you in the next sentence. That is NORMAL for a betrayed spouse.

The rollercoaster your husband is on is one carnival ride that he did not choose. He didn't buy the ticket. He does not control the ride. He doesn't know if there is a hill or a drop coming next, or a corkscrew turn in the dark followed by a splash landing. He has not idea if the controller will speed up the ride, or make it climb the next hill very very very slowly. He also doesn't know if or when that ride will level out, or if he will ever be able to finally come to a complete and safe stop.

Your job is to get into the car next to him. You learn about what triggers his fears. You help him by learning the measures that make him feel safer, and because YOU had so much to do with putting him on this ride, YOU help by putting the safety mechanisms into place. You give him the controllers such as your passwords, cutting off contact with OM, apologies, meeting his EN's, and full truthful responses to all of his questions. As he receives all of these controllers, his rollercoaster ride levels out a bit.

You also remember that when you fail to take appropriate action, or you fail in your part of the marriage (for example, if you contact the OM), you put your husband back on the rough part of that rollercoaster.

Every time.

Look at the idea that YOU offer your husband the controllers. Those things consist of ACTIONS on YOUR PART. And with each action, your husband calms down more and more. His rollercoaster of emotions smooths out. Because of what you have done.

You help him heal.

Ultimately, the marriage can be saved, and with this behavior on your part, with the actions you take, you also whittle away at your guilt and shame.

Again, YOU BENEFIT.

Like I said before, you need to stop focusing on yourself (with the exception of making changes that need to be made!). Focus on the actions that you need to take to heal your husband. Focus, focus, focus.

And you ARE making progress, BTW. I think what you "want" is to make this happen really fast. The hard fact is that this took awhile to make it into a mess, didn't it? It takes a few years to fix. In the end, it is worth the work, and worth the wait.

I promise.

SB

ITA with what SB said

Adding, When you feel guilty and shame, just remember not to throw the baby out with the bathwater and think that running away is the answer. Those feelings are a nessesary part of YOUR healing.

It does take a few years Rocky, but you can do this, and it gets better, hang on.

Rocky, when I first came on this site in August'09 (over 7 months after my affair), one of the posters very helpfully pointed out to me that guilt could be my friend... it meant that I had a functioning conscience, and that therefore, I was less likely to repeat my awful conduct from during my affair. So try to see the positive, and remember that it could be a lot worse: You might feel no guilt at all!

I am not going to bolt I know it's not going to be easy

I know we are going to have our very difficult days

But both of us are trying an that is a huge difference than before we never had seemed to be on the same page

We had no way of talking to each other but we talk now there are times where he doesn't want to but he does once he has cooled down a lit

I am giving my husband all the controllers

I am going to stay home with our boys for a while after the move
he will have all access to everything I am throwing away my current phone getting back on our plan

He can install what he needs to feel re asured
I am selling everything we own an only bring our boys things an our family pics
to elminate triggers

Threw all of this I have to say how amazing my husband is for giving me the chance! He is hurting in ways I can't explain because of me but yet still he worries about my feelings calls to make sure I am ok says sry if he hurt my feelings

He wants to make me happy protect me make me feel safe an sucure maybe it's me but all that I have done to hurt him an he is being this way toward me speaks beyond words what truly amazing man that he is!

I know this is the most difficult thing we have ever been threw an there are days now that it's hard to see him ever not hurting but I can't explain why
when he says we will be fine I just know one day that in fact one day we will be fine

when I say hardest thing we have been threw I mean the worst thing I have put my husband threw!

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

I am not going to bolt I know it's not going to be easy

Rocky,

You are doing the right things to EARN back his trust and forgiveness. Keep it up.

Just keep in mind that although you believe in your own head that you will not bolt again, S2 does not know that yet. All he knows right now is what you are capable of. I say that as a BS and I remember how suspect I felt when my WH just one day became an honest and remorseful person. I wasn't sure if it was real.

Keep taking those steps forward and don't give up. Make S2 feel safe... give him time to process everything.

Have you handwritten a NC letter to OM in which you address the selfish and disrespectful way that you were living your life. Therefore you want no contact for life?

If not...then do this and give it to S2 to approve and mail. This will help S2 in his recovery and you also to address this.

I am hopeful for you and your family.

Rocky,

You are earning your stripes!

I'm so glad you are moving closer to home. Send your no-contact letter for your husband to edit and approve. The sooner that goes out, the sooner you can check one more thing off of your list.

Wow - is all I can say. You are moving in the right direction, and you are showing that you "get it"!

Stay on course, girl. This is a long path to walk. Let your husband lead, while you stay ahead of him by learning and anticipating what he will need from you.

Also, search the threads for my old thread on body language and memory. Within that thread I wrote up some rules about how to talk to one another - how to listen better, using pauses, and how to sit together. Also it lays out how to limit your relationship talks so they stay on ONE topic, and do not turn into marathons. Makes things much less threatening, much easier on the heart, and much more productive, because you stay on track.

SB

well my husband has decided that its just to easy for him to go back an pretend that I never called him about making our marriage work. Apparently nothing I say or could ever do will be what he needs. says I will never understand his pain and he can jut pretend I never called him.

idk even what to say

why did he say this, wasn't he on board with the plan before?
maybe it is just something that has triggered him and he is having a bad day

and yes he is the one that says nothing I say or do is good enough! I change my contact info quitting my job selling everything in the house renting the house moving to him not working when I get there giving him access to everything I have no friends or family there so he knows I will not talk or see anyone all he said was it helps a little bit but............................................

I know I am a horrible person for the things I have done
I know I deserve all of this I am not trying to through myself a pitty party at all just have know to express my feelings to

I try to express myself to my husband but my pain is apples his is oranges there is no compareison he just says sorry if your hurting but we are talking apples and oranges and we go right in to

all of the horible things I have done

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

well my husband has decided that its just to easy for him to go back an pretend that I never called him about making our marriage work.

Rocky, I don't think I have posted to you, but I have been following along, and what I have to say about this quote is: You're kidding, right?

I don't care if he uttered the words "pretend you never called," but the fact that you DJ him ("it's just too easy") and start whinging at HIM, your VICTIM, in the first sentence of your post tells me you, ma'am, have a ways to go still.

Rocky, how much reading have you been doing on this site? Have you read what others have so kindly taken their time and effort to post to you? Have you read what other betrayed spouses, those who have been in your BH's shoes at the hands of someone like yourself, had to say to you?

Have you read the articles, especially Dr. Harley's section on overcoming infidelity?

Have you read other threads? Pay close attention to betrayed spouse threads especially. IMHO, there are never enough eye-opening comments regarding the pain and anger and devastation that our types of betrayal cause - perhaps reading other threads will give you some perspective on recovery and the extent of the trauma you have put your BH through.

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

Apparently nothing I say or could ever do will be what he needs. says I will never understand his pain and he can jut pretend I never called him.

As many posters have already told you, this is par for the course. Be thankful he is sharing his pain with you. Now, what do you do about it?

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

idk even what to say

You don't say anything. You do. Rocky, if I were in your shoes, and if I had my head on straight, I would go all in w/ the move to my BH. There is a moment in every recovery when a wayward spouse chooses: do I continue being selfish, hedging my bets, hiding behind my fears, ignoring my egregious mistakes? Or do I take that step, take the risk that this may not work, it may be hurtful, it may be a horribly difficult journey...but it's worth it? Because you want to fix what you broke, because you want to stand for something that you previously so callously tossed away, because it's the right thing to do...?

right now you have to focus only on his feelings, he has to see you being remorseful and sensitive to his hurt......
he will come around but not yet, just keep telling him that a little is enough for now. It will take time to rebuild your relationship, just look strong and determined, if he brings what you did up, agree that it is your fault and that you are willing to do whatever to fix things so both of you are happy and safe........
It will be hard but come here to vent do not let him see anything but a remorse, understanding woman, keep telling he is worth anything you have to go through right now..........PLan A him and expect nothing in return, as he starts to see you differently he will respond in a positive way...............
This is a long road, and a bumpy one................

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

well my husband has decided that its just to easy for him to go back an pretend that I never called him about making our marriage work. Apparently nothing I say or could ever do will be what he needs. says I will never understand his pain and he can jut pretend I never called him.

idk even what to say

Rocky

I am in between running errands. Don't know what to say either at the moment...

Thought from what you posted us everything was hopeful and a plan was coming together

Maybe he is crashed in a low of the roller coaster with all this and all the feelings are catching up to him? Now wheres my mind readers hat........

Be back later. Hang in there...

nESRE

Rocky,

I think I told my DH about a million times that I didn't know if I could ever get past it or if we were going to make it.

We did make it ... because he didn't give up on me.

I came after WH with the bloodiest angry outbursts in history. I was Jekyl and Hyde.

WH did not give up on me. That is what I needed. To see him fight.

Don't give up. Close that geographical distance between you.

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

and yes he is the one that says nothing I say or do is good enough! I change my contact info quitting my job selling everything in the house renting the house moving to him not working when I get there giving him access to everything I have no friends or family there so he knows I will not talk or see anyone all he said was it helps a little bit but............................................

I know I am a horrible person for the things I have done
I know I deserve all of this I am not trying to through myself a pitty party at all just have know to express my feelings to

I try to express myself to my husband but my pain is apples his is oranges there is no compareison he just says sorry if your hurting but we are talking apples and oranges and we go right in to

all of the horible things I have done

Rocky, I know the pain the WS experiences. Believe me, it's a misery all its own, made worse by the fact that it was entirely your own doing.

My firm belief is that the right thing for a truly repentant former wayward to do when trying to recover a marriage is, essentially, anything and everything. You really do go all in. Hold nothing back. Make a genuine, honest effort to right your wrongs - even if your BH isn't supportive of your recovery, there are a million things you can be doing on your side of the street to improve the marriage, improve yourself, and try to compensate for your betrayal.

I know it's hard, especially when the BS is having a "down" day, (to put it mildly). And I know how easy it is to focus on your own pain then, especially when you recognize and own the fact that you are the source of your spouse's unhappiness. The trick is learning to rise above that. (I am still learning this - it's rarely easy!) Look beyond yourself, look past your pain, and look at what your BH is telling you, look at your plan, and continue working your side of the street.

It's possible, it really is. It's just not easy.

Originally Posted by pokerface

Rocky,

I think I told my DH about a million times that I didn't know if I could ever get past it or if we were going to make it.

We did make it ... because he didn't give up on me.

Yes, exactly. Rocky, don't give up on your BH or your M. Through all of the lows, (and there will be many, be forewarned): Don't. Give. Up.

I don't give up on him or the fight I know my feelings are nothing to speak of I try to stay strong while talking to him I deal with my pain every second of the day alone.

I love and miss my husband I will spend the rest of my life TRYING to right the all the wrongs I have done I just truely feel a life time won't take away his pain.

Sorry that I vented didn't want anyone to think I was being insensitive to my husband and his feelings.

He says I am doing all these tings and could devote my life to taking care of him and his needs but he doesn't think he is the type to ever get over it so I am going to do all of this and he very well may come home one day and Just leave me anyways.

I told him that I understood and that he had evey right to feel the way he does and he shouldn't spend the rest of his life that way. There is nothing I can ever do to take it back EVER!!

I guess the plan now is for me to do the things I am suppose to do clean up my side of the street and wait for that day to come and just be thankful for the days I get in between.

Right on Rocky.

In this fight - you are playing he role of the murderer who is trying to bring the murdered back to life.

Stick with it and follow the good advise from the veterans that have been down this road.

You and your husband can recover. Follow the steps Dr Harley has prescribed. You probably will never have the same relationship before you strayed - you will build a new and improved stronger relationship.

Good Luck - I pray for you, Strike and your boys.

Rocky, what's going on here?
I hear OM is still in the picture. I heard you spoke with him.
You do NOT EVER speak with him again. "Over" means "over." "No contact" means "no contact." Like I told you before: Do yourself & your husband a BIG favor and take a shortcut. GET this, now. If there is some part of "no contact for life" that you don't understand, then say so, and we'll help you.

It's good that you changed your phone #, and it's great that you changed it again -- I want you to understand I'm not bashing you for trying -- but you can't stop there. OM is obviously not getting the message. He is a danger to your marriage, now as much as ever, and you must get away from him.

I heard he came to your house to pick up some stuff. Why is any of his stuff still there? Wasn't it supposed to be gone days ago? Why haven't you dumped it out on the curb?

Why haven't you gotten yourself out of there? If not to Strike2's then to someplace near Strike2, far from OM?

I don't want to hear how you feel, what you fear, or anything about you. I want to hear what else you're doing to protect your husband's feelings & assuage his fears.

Rocky

If all of Om's stuff is out of the house then if he comes back simply call the police to visit with him and let them inform him he is not welcome and Rocky will press tresspassing charges if need be.

If some of his stuff is there inform a neutral third party (anyone but you) he needs to pick it up outside the house between the hours of X and Y or it will be in the trash or donated.
This is you and S2'.s house. He is not welcome to come in anytime he feels like.

Rocky maintains N/C.
Also with the phone I believe if the police are called because he just shows up - if OM persists you could show them call records off the phone and harrassment charges may be able to be made.

If anything Its a step up to show S2 you will protect what you have going so far.

This is breaking no contact. Holes have to be plugged so S2 feels safe.

Is there anyway you 2 can get together soon?

nESRE

Rocky, your BH sounds in no way like he's done. Even after you broke contact w/ the OM.

For the record, even if it's OM who initiates the contact, the moment you see it/read it/respond to it, you have violated Rule #1 in recovering from an affair. No matter what, you do not break contact! You see what happened w/ your BH (and you, don't forget) after NC was broken? You guys lose ground that you've worked so hard to gain!

GloveOil and nesre have given you options for how to deal w/ the next time OM attempts to break contact. Please read the thread on EPs - I will bump it for you, and will post it here.

Rocky, please continue educating yourself re: the MB program. Please read through other threads and concepts - I know I feel more prepared knowing what to expect from others' experience, and reading threads on here has helped me immensely.

And continue loving on your BH - even after this latest dip, he still seems firmly in the recovery camp!

Extraordinary Precautions.

Rocky, remember, everytime that you break NC, you set YOURS and YOUR BHs recovery clock back to ZERO. IS it worth the risk? Also, a FR(false recovery) is more harmful to a BS than the original A. Please, don't put him through a FR, he may not be willing to recover with you after that. Remember that the next time OM tries to break NC.

The om did get my new number blew it up I said nothing
finally all I responded was I am with my husband working on my marriage

Do not contact me he cuntinued blowing up my phone
each time I called my husband to tell him what all was going on

He did show up to the house I opened the door sat his box on the step he started yelling but I was in the house before I heard what he was trying to say

I locked the door an called my husband I changed my number again an only gave it to my husband my mother an my boss

Since I haven't heard a word

The only reason I am not closer to my husband is waiting for a place to live an clerification on the house being rented

I know my husband was hurt an angery when I immediatly called him with the situation but I felt it was important for me to call an tell him

Originally Posted by Scotland

Rocky, remember, everytime that you break NC, you set YOURS and YOUR BHs recovery clock back to ZERO. IS it worth the risk? Also, a FR(false recovery) is more harmful to a BS than the original A. Please, don't put him through a FR, he may not be willing to recover with you after that. Remember that the next time OM tries to break NC.

Listen to them Rocky,

Scotland thank you for posting this, its a reminder for me that promises made after WW first recovery were not backed up with action, and I got what I deserved putting all my eggs in that basket.

You can do this Rocky, and any contact with POSOM will hurt your BH, even if you were to tell OM off, and punch him in the nose.

BH is a man, and although I know my late Ws OMs were dirt, and I am and will allways be a better man than those scumbags, us men have only one sure way we can be sure they are gone and I still would like to end her last OMs life, for feeding her drugs.

BH is your husband, and he cannot make you do anything, but even talking to this POSOM is off limits, you can't change that OM violated the most sensitive part of the connection between H and W. To BH it is just like you did it again, you caved to OMs desire.

Trust me, you can rebuild this, but it will take time and demonstrated action from you. You might not think its true now, but in time you will be thankful you listened to all these people. It will be the best thing you ever did to help yourself.

I just want nothing more than to be with my husband
if I were there he would know what I was doing who I was talking to

He could see idw Any contact I am taking extrodinary measures to provent contact

He would be able to see I love him that I am truly sry I want to move there right now an if it was possible that's excally what I would do

I miss my husband I talked to him before he went to bed talked about when we first met an our first dance kiss date told him how much I miss an love him!!

If om makes any attemps to contact the police is the only route I have I don't want my husband hurting more because the om won't stop trying to make contact!

Thank you Rocky

Your last post made me smile

neESRE

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

The om did get my new number

You have an intelligence hole, or you gave it to him.

Which was it?

How did he get the new number?

Dont be discouraged Rocky, I had every reason to stay away from my late wife and divorce her, and that was my plan, straight up for two years, yes even though I loved her, and I had to force it out of my head, every time I wanted to give her another chance. I was just to damaged at the time.

But my life and sitch was different, but in onw way they were the same, the reason I was so angry, was that I still loved her.

My wife pursued me with everything, she slowed down her drinking to a crawl, and found counsel, much like this place, to help her get herself under control. She took responsibility for herself, and apoligized profusely, and I was a bull raging for a couple years, using another women and making myself sick, right where it hurt me, in my heart.

It took two years, just like they say in MB, for the revenge affair to die. It makes no difference why I got together with another girl in six mos after leaving WW. It still was an affair, based on entitlment, anger, and selfishness. It made no difference that I was ab-so-lut-ly done with my WW, and I had told her kindly to move on, she would do fine with someone else, I must not be the man for her. It was still an affair, no excuses.

She would not accept that, and until she saw the divorce papers, I was her husband. She did not have MB back in 1987, but she had her pastor and church, and a few freinds she could count on to keep her honest. If she had went to AA I probably would have come home faster, but regardless, even after tons of fights when I would come see the kids for thier sake, I walked away wishing I had never met her.

When after two years I finnally had to deal with what I was doing, the free ride I was getting from the girl I was seeing, the viciuosness of using her as I licked my wounds and restored my ego because someone "wanted me", and sure, that was different at the time, but still reeked of insecurity. I had to ask myself where do I belong? My WW was still out of the question, but I still spent time there with the kids, and we started to talk more, and I tested the waters. Eventually she convinced me that she had changed, and would fight for her marriage to me.

Now I wish we had MB then, or DR Hs books, or someone as wise as he is in preventing false recoverys, but there was a time of opportunity, a short window, where we could have negotiated anything, including her sobriety.

But for the next two years, it was a new life, and that spark alone kept us going until her death in 2009. My children got to know her when she was well, and they knew she loved them very much then, and she loved me also for awhile.

So stay strong, you are allready doing well, but your husband needs you to help him heal, and it might take a long time. Its important for you to know he is man, and doesn't react like you do, and this has been as heavy of a blow any man who loves his wife could ever take. It shakes us to our core, and brings in all kinds of fear and reactions, takes away our confidance, and our reason to do anything anymore.

Keep telling you you love him and get out to where he is ASAP. Stay determined, faithful, and understanding, and shower him with affection. Let him get moody and talk about it with him if he will, and for your sake and all, follow the MB way, and never give up, even when it hurts.

There is an answer

I think he got it from work that's why when I changed it again only 3ppl have it

Rocky ....I thought you were just a drive-by WW trying to milk MB for enough intel to suck the BH back into a 3 person marriage so you could keep both guys.

I was wrong about you, please continue your efforts!!

My husband told his family today he getting it handed to him

He is hurting an I keep trying to get him to talk to me about it

Don't blame him for not wanting to I am the cause of his pain

I am the reason he is going through this with

His family I want to make him feel better I want to be there right now
to be there for him I sent him a text telling him I was sry he was in this position because of me

I was here for him an he could talk to me about it I love an miss him

I am almost to the point to just pack up the boys drive the 950mls to him and
just figure out the details once there I know that's not very responsible but idk

I personally think you should just pack up and be there for your husband. It might be the more responsible thing to do and it would show him you are willing to do whatever it takes to put the family back together again.
Good luck with the recovery process!

Rocky

Got the car packed and full of gas yet?

Serious as a heart attack.

nESRE

He is trying to protect me from what his family is saying doesn't want to cause me pain. I told him that I am the cause and I deserve to take what they have to say

That I need to protect him from this!!!

Originally Posted by nesre

Rocky

Got the car packed and full of gas yet?

Serious as a heart attack.

nESRE

I am searching online now for a place for us to stay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Keep moving Rocky! It's easier to keep momentum! Don't stop moving.

You see the goal and it's worth all of the effort!

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

He is trying to protect me from what his family is saying doesn't want to cause me pain. I told him that I am the cause and I deserve to take what they have to say

That I need to protect him from this!!!

Rocky

His family will take time. The best way way you can show them you are trying to undo the past is by how you treat S2 today. The rest will work out with his family in time. You and S2 need to be together to make that happen.

YOUR consistant good actions will Change their feelings towards you with time. Takes time.

Feelings follow actions always.

nESRE

Rocky

Please be safe about this if you are going to go.

Is your vehicle mechanically sound for this far of a trip with you and the children?

Are you confidant enough with yourself to drive that far?

Just checking. Want you all to get there safe if you are really going.

nESRE

idk about about vehicle always been my husbands domain I am terrified about driving that far with both boys I have

drove it plenty before but our oldest son was not a baby and I hate driving on the interstate with the boys to begin with idw but with both of them an youngest being a baby..........scary!!!

We are waiting to here back about a town house not much rental property availible in that area

hope to hear something back today!!!!!!!!!!

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

idk about about vehicle always been my husbands domain I am terrified about driving that far with both boys I have

drove it plenty before but our oldest son was not a baby and I hate driving on the interstate with the boys to begin with idw but with both of them an youngest being a baby..........scary!!!

We are waiting to here back about a town house not much rental property availible in that area

hope to hear something back today!!!!!!!!!!

Rocky

Progress. Small steps in the right direction.

Hope that THouse is available!

nESRE

Hi Rocky,

There came a time during my affair that I moved out of the marital home, rented an appartment, furnished it, etc...

I crashed, and I asked my wife if she would be willing to have have me back in her life again as her husband. Thankfully she said yes!

There were many things that I had to clean up once the recovery began.

The first was full disclosure of everything my wife wanted to know.

The second was a NC Letter.

I moved back home once my wifes conditions were all agreed to.

The next pressing issue was dealing with an apartment and all the belongings.......

Regarding The Apartment;
We agreed the best thing to do was turn the apartment key back in to the rental company and ask them to find another tennent. I continued to pay the rent until a tennent was found (6 months later). We also agreed to donate everything in the apartment ,except my personal effects (clothes & papers), to the Salvation Army. I paid some young men to pick it all up and move it there for us.

I made sure to protect my wife completely along the way, being extremely transparent and caring.

another issue I addressed quickly was making ammends to all friends and family, being honest with them about my adultery and asking them for forgiveness. I also asked them to support and pray for my wife regardless of how they felt.

I've outlined many of the steps for a wayward to lead a recovery in a thread mentioned earlier, called Extraordinary Precautions. Please take the time to read it.

I hope you will begin taking the steps necessary toward your husband and begin rebuilding your marriage quickly.

well let's just say didn't go well with the family My husband having a hard time dealing and trying to protect me if he post about it please help him

I tried to explain to my husband they couldn't think any worse of me than I thought of myself to just let me be there for him and protect him..................................

My husband goes to look at the town house tom. I think it's availible now will know more tom!

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

well let's just say didn't go well with the family My husband having a hard time dealing and trying to protect me if he post about it please help him

I tried to explain to my husband they couldn't think any worse of me than I thought of myself to just let me be there for him and protect him..................................

Here's the thing Rocky,,,, The extended family has every right to be upset with you and they also have a responsibility to remind your H how dangerous you've been......

That being said.....

Your actions are what will be judged from this day forward. And rightfully so!

Expressing your sorrow, guilt and shame are but a small portion of true repentance. Verbal expressions will not get you very far. Actions are necessary as the PRIMARY ingredient in true repentance!

Until your husband, children and extended family SEE the actions in the form of "Just Compensation" combined with "Extraordinary Precautions", they will remain skeptical.

The difficult questions for a betrayed spouse to discern;

Are you truly remorseful for all the damage you created?

OR

Are you just sorry that you have to live with all these consequences.

Which is it for you????

This recovery will take time and a great deal of work on your part, OK!

The family hating me doesn't concern me really I grown to get use to it what my husband is going through because of what I did does consern me

They do have every right to think what they do as for everyone else my husband shouldn't have to deal with this or any of the other stuff that comes along With what I have done

Suffering the cons. For what I have done should be mine to suffer not my husbands

No go on the town house not kid friendly husband says no way to apartment so at this point idk when we will be back under one roof

Keep going Rock, wheres that famous fighting spirit of yours? Remember his posting on here he is proud of you? So if town house a no go, whats your next option?

Rocky,

Quick story.

About 4 years ago at a party of about 15 people, almost all married couples, we were playing cards and some were watching a game about 4 feet away. In cocktail chat over cards, the affair subject came up randomly, and one of our friends �Jane� just blurted out �well, John had an affair 2 years ago.� Note that �John� was just 3 feet away. Well, after about 10 seconds of awkward :), we all discussed and here's some snippets of what was said and what �John� said:

�John, really? How you be such a di-k?�
Well, I was selfish. Hard to believe now.
�John, I can't believe you. You have a perfect marriage!�
Nope, just the opposite. We work on it every day.

Etc.

I won't recant the entire night in 50 pages, but suffice to say that �John� was exposed by �Jane� (some at that party already knew years ago), and they we very open about their own accountability, but never did �John� blame a complacent marriage on his affair. He was then and is still working on regaining trust and credibility from both families, but the point is that he is committed. He recognized that his actions would be the gauge for his commitment versus any words. They are doing great. �John� reminds me very much of GloveOil and Markos.

My point is, you will have a lot of work to do. Forever. Together, and eventually the �work� will be the pleasure for you both (UA time). But, you are DOING the work now, and every day is a new day. Family? Well, think of their doubt as further encouragement for you to enforce your own boundaries.

My friends �Jane and John� say they are so open about his A because, if either of them (obviously another A on �John's� part) they would cause irreparable damage. They set the bar high.

Listen, and I am in a fiesty mood today...

No, you should not "get used to" his family's judgment of you. What you do by your actions will change their judgment of you. Tomorrow? No. But, in time it will. It's possible that some might never be able to get past your A, but you can't predict that, can you? All you can do is you 100% best, and if some realtionships fall by the wayside? Well, that would be a consequence of your A. Why try to predict?

Just do everything you can right now. As Indie said...get those fighten' gloves on.

Heck if I know these days even when I think I am making the right choice or the best choice my husband still hurt or upset apartment would be the quickest easy way but he would be misirable town house not kid friendly which was the only one on market in the area

I look online thro everything that has listings the stress of it all my husband doesn't need or deserve i don't feel lik leaving the house to even go to the store or work takes every ounce of energey I have

idk how I am suppose to find new place rent thus place sell everything rent a truck load truck treak it an my car two kids 950 mls but I am going to some how

I understand what you mean the fams opion of me has been there from the begining I worshiped the ground my husband walked on for years there opion never changed!! My husband an son went to family fictions I stayed home alone

I am not apologizing for them to look at me differently I am apologizing because I am truly sorry for the mistakes I have made an the pain it has caused

Originally Posted by Surfer88

Listen, and I am in a fiesty mood today...

No, you should not "get used to" his family's judgment of you. What you do by your actions will change their judgment of you. Tomorrow? No. But, in time it will. It's possible that some might never be able to get past your A, but you can't predict that, can you? All you can do is you 100% best, and if some realtionships fall by the wayside? Well, that would be a consequence of your A. Why try to predict?

Just do everything you can right now. As Indie said...get those fighten' gloves on.

Originally Posted by Surfer88

Listen, and I am in a fiesty mood today...

No, you should not "get used to" his family's judgment of you. What you do by your actions will change their judgment of you. Tomorrow? No. But, in time it will. It's possible that some might never be able to get past your A, but you can't predict that, can you? All you can do is you 100% best, and if some realtionships fall by the wayside? Well, that would be a consequence of your A. Why try to predict?

Just do everything you can right now. As Indie said...get those fighten' gloves on.

Originally Posted by Surfer88

Listen, and I am in a fiesty mood today...

No, you should not "get used to" his family's judgment of you. What you do by your actions will change their judgment of you. Tomorrow? No. But, in time it will. It's possible that some might never be able to get past your A, but you can't predict that, can you? All you can do is you 100% best, and if some realtionships fall by the wayside? Well, that would be a consequence of your A. Why try to predict?

Just do everything you can right now. As Indie said...get those fighten' gloves on.

Originally Posted by Surfer88

Listen, and I am in a fiesty mood today...

No, you should not "get used to" his family's judgment of you. What you do by your actions will change their judgment of you. Tomorrow? No. But, in time it will. It's possible that some might never be able to get past your A, but you can't predict that, can you? All you can do is you 100% best, and if some realtionships fall by the wayside? Well, that would be a consequence of your A. Why try to predict?

Just do everything you can right now. As Indie said...get those fighten' gloves on.

"I look online thro everything that has listings the stress of it all my husband doesn't need or deserve i don't feel lik leaving the house to even go to the store or work takes every ounce of energey I have"

Yep, every ounce of energy. You got it. And, you can do this.

"idk how I am suppose to find new place rent thus place sell everything rent a truck load truck treak it an my car two kids 950 mls but I am going to some how"

You can and you will. If you were lost in a forest with no food and water, would you have a choice? No, you wouldn't. Rocky, this is a bad day, right? Have something to eat, get some sleep and remind yourself that this is temporary. It is. I know it's hard...as someone who (seriously) faced homelessness many years ago, I know that things seem hopeless. But, it's never hopeless. Never!!

Get up, gurl!

Well, time to prove them wrong, isn't it? How? Well, you know how.

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

idk how I am suppose to find new place rent thus place sell everything rent a truck load truck treak it an my car two kids 950 mls but I am going to some how

I can hear the Rocky theme tune!!!!

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

idk how I am suppose to find new place rent thus place sell everything rent a truck load truck treak it an my car two kids 950 mls but I am going to some how

Rocky,

Have you asked S2 if he would help you? Maybe he could take the kids while you are packing and closing the house.

All you need right now is to be together. Doesn't have to be luxurious or spacious.

Probably just about everything in that house will trigger S2.
I agree that you should donate to charity. Some charities will come and pick it up themselves.

Good Luck. Keep fighting.

Originally Posted by Surfer88

..�John, really? How you be such a di-k?�
Well, I was selfish. Hard to believe now.
�John, I can't believe you. You have a perfect marriage!�
Nope, just the opposite. We work on it every day.

Etc. ..

Yup , great post S88, thems the facts.

Rocky you will live it down, and the only one who you have to prove it to is your H.

I think I shared some of my saga on here, but when my WW finally decided she had to fight for me, she moved her pregnant self, her now 13 yr old son from the first marriage, and my 3 yr old daughter back to my hometown area, and got an apt and got on welfare while she was pregnant. I still didn't want anything to do with her, but at least she got away from drinking, and was pursuing her religion, and her church, which as far as I could see, was a step in the right direction.

But if a lost in the bottle miserable drunk can do that, so can you, and you have much more to fight with, and much more support here than she had, and what she did to my understanding, was much worse than you have done to your H. But thats just my opinion, our storys vary.

Get out to him and live by him, and worry about the perfect place later, anyplace you can be together IS the perfect place, for that is home, where your heart is, it doesn't matter if its a cardboard box.

Trust me on that, the seperation is the worst.

I agree but I am trying to keep my husband in mind he wants the perfect place he likes the finer things in life an gonna be
misarable if it's not atleast nice

I am still trying just been a bad week I think the guilt has mixed with depression
on top of missing my husband the family being together an truly wanting to be there to help him

Ok, but remember the rocky 2 theme, "Eye of the tiger", and like NG allways says, E.A.O.T.P. Eyes Allways On The Prize. Take a break, get some rest, pray and regroup, just don't get discouraged. If you go to him, he will respond. He would be crazy not to.

Lets see, a broken and sorry woman who will move heaven and earth to make up for a foolish mistake she has done, and restore his family to better than it ever was? Yeah its a suckers bet. He wont stay away for long.

Remember you have a plan, and the PLAN is sound, reguardless of whatever the peanut gallery says. I have yet to see a man turn down a determined woman for very long, not one willing to be what he allways wanted.

Yes you do want that, just from what you said about worshipping the ground he walked on first, you want to be what he wants.

With the MB plan, it is possible, and you can't stop a determined woman with a plan. Take a breather, and get back on it.

God bless Rocky.

"idk how I am suppose to find new place rent thus place sell everything rent a truck load truck treak it an my car two kids 950 mls but I am going to some how"

OK, my sister hates when I do this when she is in crisis, so I like it. Let's break this down...

1)"idk how I am suppose to find new place rent"

Stop, if you are, looking at general websites. Go to a local tiny paper online and look for personal ads that folks have posted. Don't look at agencies, etc. Go as local as you can.

2) "sell everything rent a truck"
2200.00 door-to-door is a start at upack.com. Just a start, but start making calls. No need to sell anything yet. Don't start with "I don't have 3000.00", OK? If you needed 3000.00 for chemo for skin cancer, you'd find it. Sell everything via a garage sale next weekend. You'll go down to 2K in costs maybe, and have another 300.00 in cash. You're in survival mode to get home, right? Get home.

3) "load truck" by myself (my edit)
Yep, you'll need to load the truck. Whatever you can't do yourself or find help for, you donate.

4) Stop listing everything you can't do. That 950 miles? Well, what if it was only 40 miles? You'd have to do the exact same thing, so rule that out as a source of defeat or a barrier. But for another day of driving, it doesn't really matter how far away you are except for one night's Motel 6 cost and another tank of gas.

Get the gloves on, Rocky!

Rocky,

Strike wants the finer, nice things? Yep. Strike wants YOU...his wife.

Get to it and give it, lady.

Replied for CP's truth.

Also, Rocky, are you telling Strike what you are doing? I think if you tell him your plan, and ask for his input, you'd be doing a good thing for both of you.

Tell him, and open the door for his input and help. If he says "nope, you're on your own", accept that for now.

Stay the course!

I wouldn't even bother with stuff right now. Rent a storage space or just sell what you can and do ate the rest.

Pack the clothes, important stuff like family pictures and a few toys and get on the road! Take it slow. Split the trip into 2 parts and get going.

When I got the opportunity to move to be with my wife (then girlfriend), I quit my job, packed a little Plymouth Horizon to the gills and 12 hrs later I was there.

Keep moving.

Yea I have told my husband my plan be is the one that looked at the town house for me since he is there he is supportive an just tells me in time it will come together

I feel lik he is lookin for the perfect place an idc I just want to be together an we can search for the perfect place later but I am trying to be respectful of what he wants to

I don't want him unhappy with where we are on top if all the other pain he has been through enough cause of me

But at the same time I just want to be there with us all together lik yesterday
wonder if he would be upset if I just show up with two kids on my hip an say sry but small apartment it is but atleast we are together

Originally Posted by Powerbane

...When I got the opportunity to move to be with my wife (then girlfriend), I quit my job, packed a little Plymouth Horizon to the gills and 12 hrs later I was there...

(t/j) Oh man, my first car was a Plymouth Horizon... What a lemon of all lemons... you're lucky you got to her in only 12 hours, lol...

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

Yea I have told my husband my plan be is the one that looked at the town house for me since he is there he is supportive an just tells me in time it will come together

I feel lik he is lookin for the perfect place an idc I just want to be together an we can search for the perfect place later but I am trying to be respectful of what he wants to

I don't want him unhappy with where we are on top if all the other pain he has been through enough cause of me

But at the same time I just want to be there with us all together lik yesterday
wonder if he would be upset if I just show up with two kids on my hip an say sry but small apartment it is but atleast we are together

Rocky, keep going.

What exactly does he say about you moving...as in tomorrow? You say "I want to move to you tomorrow". He says what?

Exactly? Not, "he feels this or that". What are his words?

In time he understand but there is alot to do

That's what he always says first

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

In time he understand but there is alot to do

That's what he always says first

Ok Rocky,

You show him that you really mean it. You give him back the kids while you get yourself sorted.

Stay strong.

Yes I have already told him that I would send him the boys atleast before our oldest starts school so he can get them situated

I hope that we can get everything worked out by then so we can all be together but if not atleast he will have the boys they miss him so much an I know he has to be going insaine with out them

When I went with out them I felt dead inside it will be hard for me but maybe a lit less pain for my husband

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

Yes I have already told him that I would send him the boys atleast before our oldest starts school so he can get them situated

Why not do it now? S2 is certainly capable of taking care of them. One less hurdle to jump and it will motivate you to keep moving.

Rocky, I am not trying to bash you. I know how hard this is. It is the hardest thing you will ever go through. ... it seems like things are stalling here.

It will not get better until you close that distance between you.

Keep jumping those hurdles one at a time. Know that you did everything that you could.

Rocky,

My In-laws hated me for the first 26 years I was married to my husband. That is the cold hard truth.

Then, everything completely changed. They finally realized that I wasn't leaving my husband. And I wasn't stupid, I wasn't anything like they thought I was. I was a very intelligent, steadfast, strong, hardworking woman.

And when my FIL had a terrible accident, I was the person who drove all of those basketcase family members to the hospital, because I was the only one who did not panic in the face of tragedy. At that 26 year mark, we walked in the emergency room door, and much to my surprise, my MIL told the lady at the desk that I was in charge, that I had the power of attorney (I had no idea), and that I made all the decisions.

Who knew?

Certainly I didn't. But this decision on the in-laws part had been made only a month or so earlier.

Somewhere in there, I had changed their minds, by being steadily consistent in who I was. A good person, ethical in all things, open and honest in all of my dealings, and about as moral as I could be. At least I try with everything, although I know I fail at times. We all do.

Do not worry about what other people think of you. Set your own course. Steer your own ship. It is with marking your own destination and being sure your course is true that others will make note of your gains and come aboard. You cannot recruit them - and no amout of effort on your part to sell tickets to the cruise will help.

SB

Rocky,

So, it seems you want assurance on where Strike2 stands. You want to know now how the story ends. You want certainty that if you give your all, he'll come to grips with your infidelity, and be able to forgive and fully join you in creating the marriage you want.

Well, I've been there, and it's natural to want that. You're scared. You know you've messed up. You want to do better. You'd like some assurance of a positive outcome. You'd like a guarantee if you could get one.

But you can't. There's no guarantee -- not in a positive sense, anyway. The only guarantee you can have works in the other direction: By making your efforts conditional on a commitment from him right now, at this stage, you can guarantee that your efforts won't succeed.

So be on your guard to make sure that no such conditionality creeps into your efforts and compromises them.

You want to be trusted again someday? Well, the path to that begins with you committing a radical act of trust, by placing your heart into his hands each day, without expectation of a near-term payoff.

Right after my affair, when we'd started counseling, the way our marriage counselor put it to me was, I had to imagine myself hacking through a dark, thick, gnarly forest to get to my wife. I'd be starting from a position where I might be able to hear her voice from time to time, but I couldn't even see her. I had no assurance, no guarantee that she'd be there by the time I'd hacked to where I was supposed to go. All I could keep in my pocket was her promise to try. It wasn't my job to worry about how things would have turned out weeks or months from then. It was my job to hack each day & keep moving in the right direction. It was my job to meet her emotional needs better, to give her the truth, to protect her feelings, to keep up my EPs, and to give her LOTS of slack. If I wanted steadfastness from her, long-term, then I needed to show steadfastness short/medium-term in working to fix myself, to help her heal, and do MY part to make our marriage better. As Schoolbus said: Consistently.

Yes, there's a chance Strike2 won't be there when you've hacked as hard & as far as you can hack. But that's your only shot. You've gotta be all-in. All your chips on the table. No hedged bets.

You just BE there for him. Be there if it's in a place together. Be there if it's in a separate apartment across town. Be there if he wants to talk. Be there if he wants to go into another part of the house & not have anything to say or do with you for a spell. Be there if he wants to go out & drive around alone, be there if he wants you to ride with him, be there if he wants to go to Cancun for a week with you, and if it's without you, then be there when he gets back. Just. Be. There. Consistently.

Maybe you understand & get all this already. Just making sure.

GloveOll,

Poetic, my friend. Wow, as always.

Rocky, you are getting the best insight you could possibly hope for.

Rocky,

1. Move closer. You absolutely cannot fix this long distance.
2. Have patience. You absolutely cannot fix this in one day, one week, one month. Decide right now that you will work for TWO YEARS before you give up. And that you will work...on...#3....
3. Work on HIS NEEDS FIRST. I promise, with all that I have, that when you put his needs before yours, you will be able to watch his healing. And that will lead to your own healing. WHY? Because as S2 heals, he will see that you have WORKED to change, to meet his needs, and he will see the relationship change, the family change, your interactions change. And S2 will WANT to meet your needs! The friendship between the two of you will grow, deepen, and soon enough

your love banks will be fuller

and you will find that you WANT to be "in love"

and that just maybe

you WANT to move back in together...

Only ONE of you has to begin the work, Rocky.

In this case, YOU have three steps to take.

Begin with step one.

S2 says he found you a place. He is on the rollercoaster, but wants to try. He knows it will take a year or so.

It is up to you to but that ticket HOME.

Three items on the list, Rocky.

SB

Rocky, the alternative to NOT trying is what? What do you have to look forward to? Going out on dates with people who you have to get to know, who have to get to know you, who may not get along with your children, who may resent your children, etc, etc.

Listen to the people here and do this the right way. Give your family, your marriage and YOURSELF a real chance here. You can't know how lucky you are, but one day you will. One day, you will look back at this, and if you didn't give it TIME, you will regret it.

The boys an I move on the 6th!! My husband mis understood me expressing my conserns (because he asked) as I didn't want to try or I was giving up and I. No way was that it but because he was hurting because of what he thought

I said instead of what I acutally was expressing he was hurting even more it has taken two days for us to discuss it out an one out side person to interrupt what the other meant etc

The realitor comes Sunday to get everything for getting the house listed I moved that up shooting for it to be rented by the 15th

I am bringing boxs home should have most done there by sat

Next weekend and weekend after that is yard sales an tieing up loose ends

My husband is flying in on the 5th then loading truck 6th an heading down the 950ml treak home to our new house

Well, GOOD JOB. You are starting on a long road, but one that will definitely be worth it, when you STICK to MB.

That is some really good news!

Keep up the momentum Rocky. Be gentle with your man and take the lessons others are showing you here to help guide you in implementing the MB way into your life.

Plan your work and work your plan.

THATS the Rocky we know, - doesnt give up, fight, fight, fight!

Rocky,

You have step one well on the way to completion.

In the meantime:

Patience, patience, patience. You two have a huge communication problem!!!!!! HUGE!!! I will bump my thread on how to talk to each other, because somewhere in there the two of you have completely lost it.

Here are my observations, and I am completely an expert in this field, so listen very carefully to what I am telling you. I mean this will all my heart, and you absolutely need to hear this.

What I have observed here is that when your husband says something, you react as though he is attacking you in some way. You tend to try to read more into it than what is there.

The fact is that your husband is a man who is pretty good when it comes to saying what is on his mind in a direct way. He does not use words to confuse people, and he doesn't dance around issues.

If he has something to say to you, my instinct is that he will pretty much SAY IT. Your tendency is to believe that he is holding something back, like he is thinking one thing and saying another - and that the thing he is thinking is really quite negative about YOU.

At this point in your recovery, it is natural to be afraid that your husband is angry with you. It is natural to believe that he has some negative feelings towards you. However, you also have to understand that he has told you he does want to try to recover the marriage, and his actions have been speaking in THAT DIRECTION.

You will need to understand that there will be occasions where he will say things to you that you will not like to hear. That is the way it will be during your attempt to recover the marriage.

There will also be times when you will have to say things to him that he does not like! That is not an easy thing to do, but it may be necessary, right?

It is part of being honest, and part of the inner workings of a marriage. We need to be able to work together, to say the things that are easy to say, and hard to say, in order to negotiate the daily happenings of our relationship. We have to get over the speed bumps.

In your case, you need to expect that those speed bumps will happen quite often over the next year or so! It comes with the roller coaster of recovery. It does not mean you throw it all away.

What it DOES MEAN is that you IMPROVE your own ability to communicate with S2.

You both learn how to make these kinds of conversations about

1. love
2. mutual respect
3. improving the marriage

and NOT ABOUT
1. disrespect
2. tearing down the other spouse
3. creating distance in the relationship

This is EASY. Every time you start to talk to S2, you ask yourself, "If I had to hear this from him, how would I like for him to say it to me? AND, How do I say this so that it improves our relationship and our love for each other?"

Anything can be worded with respect, love, and honor for the relationship.

ANYTHING.
It only takes both of you coming from a loving heart, instead of coming from defensiveness, destructiveness, anger, retaliation, resentment, etc., etc..............

Look for my thread up on body language, memory, and other stuff.

SB

Rocky - what's going on???

I get the sense from reading your H's thread that you are waffling. What I'm reading between the lines is that you are looking for a guarantee here. A guarantee that if you go through with this, that Strike won't leave you.

GO expressed it so much more eloquently than I am able - but hon, there is no guarantee. There is no guarantee of a restored M with Strike. It is and will always be the BS's choice to remain in the M after adultery - those are the consequences of our actions.

But even knowing that there is no guarantee - don't you want to be able to look your boys in the eye - h377, look YOURSELF in the eye, and be able to honestly say that you owned your stuff and you did everything humanly possible to try to heal your BH, restore your M, demonstrate remorse for your actions, and be a model of genuine repentance? We can never, ever, erase our actions in the past but we can move forward, we can grow as human beings and we can become better than what we were.

Rocky, I know it is hard to face your fears. But understand that Strike is willing to face his as well. You have a chance I would give anything for. GO, Rocky - don't give up!!!!

Rocky, can you refresh my prematurely aging memory? When was NC established?

rocky, what happened to your plan to save your marriage?

Rocky,

Here's the deal. My guess is that you think when you see your husband you will be looking into his eyes and you will have to face the reality of his judgement.

You will.

And - you will live through it.

Actually, somehow you will come through this as a stronger person.

The next thing you are realizing is that if you "go back", you are facing some of the problems you had to face before - when you ran away from them.

You will.

The HARDEST truth about what you have done? No matter where you go - you have dragged those exact same problems with you. Because you could leave this marriage in the dust, and marry some other guy. You could actually marry the most absolutely perfect man in the world, and that marriage will be messed up. Because YOU will be dragging the very same problems from your marriage with S2 right into your next marriage.

You have solved NOTHING with your affair.

Because, Rocky, the fact is that YOU will be in any relationship you have from here to the day you die, and if you do not learn to work (yes, work!) on your relationship and "how to be married", you will not succeed in marriage no matter WHO you marry.

What you are facing is being judged for having an affair. You face that married or not.

What you are facing is working on yourself. You face that married or not.

What you are facing is straightening out what has happened with the kids during this time. You face that married or not.

What you are facing will not be easy.

Wouldn't it be easier working together with someone who loves you? Someone who knows what you have done, and is still willing to start again, build the marriage from the dust of what it was, and build

the marriage together - the marriage of your dreams - and build it RIGHT this time......

That doesn't happen far away. It happens where you can build love. Together.

You are on the rollercoaster ride. So is S2.

Pick yourself up, and realize that today you are momentarily afraid of what lies before you. But also realize that you have a man who is willing to stand next to you and is there to lean on. It's okay to be afraid. It's okay to wobble.

Get back up.

SB

Rocky,

Nowhere could I imagine the "free" insight you've just received from SB. I'd pay 100.00 bucks an hour for a SB flunky.

Now, let's talk about everyone else for this past week...

No, let's not. Either commit and ride the waves or don't, but stop yanking Strike's chain. For God sakes, fish or cut bait. Someone like WPG would love to be in your position, and you are p-ssing it away.

My guess is that you will "cut bait" because you don't have it in you. That's not reverse-pysch, just factual insight.

Good luck, and sorry that you caved.

Rocky, you know, your kids are gonna grow up someday.

Have you given any thought to the question of, how are you going to re-become someone that they can be proud of someday?
Have you got a plan for that?

Folks, may I respectfully suggest we all stop feeding this creature's addiction? Every note begging, castigating, or counselling this pathetic creature contributes ***edit***

She KNOWS what she did. She ENJOYS the attention and conflict.

Rocky,

My suggestion is for you to STOP talking to your affair partner. End your contact with him.

He messed up your life - he is why you are where you are today, with a messed up marriage, messed up kids, and a messed up heart.

Move home. You will never regret it. I promise.
If you go with your OM, you will ALWAYS be the other woman. You will never be anything other than that, and could never rise above it. Never.

SB

Rocky I hope you at least are still reading here.

SB has given you great advice..... STOP talking to OM. Stop contacting, seeing, thinking of the OM. Don't accept contact, don't start contact with OM. He is as toxic to you and your KIDS as a rattler bite.

I am talking to you as a woman who also cheated on her husband and was very, I mean VERY, lucky to remain married to him. It was work, and work and followed by more work.

Don't look for any easy road because there is not one. But you need to know it is possible, no matter how hard or how much you are afraid it can be done.

But you need to listen to the advice and accept that your behaviour and attitude is not working. Its not working for you, your husband or your children.

I cannot promise you that you will recover your marriage, no one can do that. I cannot promise you that you will not be hurt in the process, no one can. You cannot promise your husband or kids that.

But the point here is that you are ALL hurting right now and ignoring it or pretending it is not causing harm to all involved is a bit like fiddling while Rome burns.

You have two choices Rocky, to DO or NOT DO marrriage recovery, there is no try in this.

Your husband has the same choices.

It may bring new joy, it may not. But how can you have any chance of happiness if you just do nothing??

You are wearing your husbnad out with this backwards and forwards all the time. What if you decide "soon" to DO and find he has already left the station?

You have a window of opportunity.... why not give it a shot? move to him and DO! Of course you will make mistakes, so will he. There will be tears and anger and all of that... more.

But you know? your KIDS will see and know that both of you really worked on it no matter the outcome. THAT is something I hold very dear to me. My kids witnessed our struggle... and a struggle it was.

I hope you DO Rocky. I won't kid you, it was hard... so hard... but so worth it!! Listen to people like SB.

Rocky,

Just so you know????

I was faced with having an affair, too.

I could have chosen to walk away for another man. Actually, anyone can do this.

The easy choice is to believe that you can "start over fresh" with someone new.

The real truth is that you cannot erase the mistakes you have made by beginning a new relationship. Those mistakes follow you right into the new relationship...

because you never learned how NOT to make them again. You never fixed the problems, and you never even tried, Rocky, if you walk away.

If you move closer, and work the MB program - give this at least a REAL TRY - you will learn about marriage.

Even if your marriage does not work out, you will LEARN what your mistakes are, what you are doing right, wrong, and how to make a marriage BETTER.

Whether it works out with S2 or not, you must see that you need that learning, don't you?

Because...that affair you are having isn't the fantasy relationship it started out to be either, is it?

Because YOU are still right there. You cannot start over fresh. You need to go back, pick up the pieces, and figure out what you need to learn

with S2

and at least work that mess out

before you go trying to start something new with anyone else.

Finish that much at least.

Even if it doesn't manage to work out, wouldn't it be worth a try to make a marriage work - to love your husband, to have a family, with your children and husband all together????

And, happy?

In love?

MB can help you try for it.

Your affair partner is not helping you get there. Not making that goal even possible.
SB

Originally Posted by NeverGuessed

Folks, may I respectfully suggest we all stop feeding this creature's addiction? Every note begging, castigating, or counselling this pathetic creature contributes ***edit***

She KNOWS what she did. She ENJOYS the attention and conflict.

Yeah NG its pretty normal really, just when she is ready to make a decisive move, looks around and wonders "if".

Shes way foggy and unsure what shes doing, and still wants some guarantees. Sorry Rocky, but the only garauntee is that if you don't make a decision, you'll miss the boat. With all the guidance here, you can be helped, but you keep looking around and waffling. Nobody deserves that, esspecially all the people who are trying to help you.

Know what the definition o courage is Rocky? Its not being fearless. Its actions that you must do and you do it while your scared to death.

If you are waiting to be certain and not afraid, you will lose this battle for your marriage, your character, and your integrity. All anyone an ever do is the right thing, and its string you right in the face girl. Good relationships and marriages just don't happen, we ALL must make them, and many do it while the are no gaurantees.

Don't throw this away, you WILL regret it.

I know I shouldn't post on her thread but so everyone is aware she is in contact with OM. He was at the house last night. She admitted to me today that she was talking to him.

Ha! HaHA! Right, Rocky. We were all just "talking" to our affair partners.

If she only realized how costly this "talking" is: her self-respect, her integrity, her soul. Not to mention a loving H, a promising M, and the lives of her children.

I mean, really, when you put it that way, Rocky, the CLEAR decision is to continue with your affair, right?

Oh, and before you play the "I'm spe-shul, you just don't understand" card, remember: I do understand. I've been there. The difference is, I got out of it. And you?

Rocky,

Like I said, when you stop your affair...

and trust me, it WILL end,

you will realize exactly how much you stand to lose in your marriage.

The issue will be then:

will your husband be willing to work it out then?????

Or will you have wasted this opportunity?

Strike2 will not wait forever. At this point he loves you.

What you are asking for is "unconditional love".

Love might be unconditional.
Relationships ARE conditional.

That is the truth of life.

You risk losing your husband's love.

Waste your time at the risk of your marriage.

When you look back
and you WILL

you will remember that I told you this.

And you will look back at your affair and think,

"Why did I waste my time on a fantasy?"

What I can tell you is that there is NO good answer for that.

Only that you will hate yourself for it.

SB

Rocky you can't outsmart the MB plan, or God for that matter, and this will catch up to you, even if you are to blind to see it.

Pray for a frontal lobotomy it would be easier than the crap you are about to go through. You wont dodge anything.

I am scared an lost idk what to think just so terrified!

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

I am scared an lost idk what to think just so terrified!

Um, how about YOU STOP HAVING AN AFFAIR, before you wreck yourself irreparably? It will wreck you, and your children, it already has. And that doesn't even begin to address the trauma you have unleashed on your husband.

Here is what you need to think; I need to stop having contact with my affair partner, pull my head out of my stinking backside, and do whatever it takes to make things right, even if I have no chance to recover my marriage whatsoever.

Your choices, and the consequences have been paid by everyone else so far.

Time to own your own pile of poop.

i would like to understand why you are scared if you could expand...

What you are going through is the uncertainties of what the future holds, your ongoing contact with the OM is heightening those uncertainties. Get that man out of your life , he is toxic to you and your children.

The only way you get rid of that poison is absolute zero contact.

You planned to move closer to your husband, enact that plan, it will feel to you that you are pushing a mountain, you are however once you are out of reach of the OM's grasping hands you will as time moves on get clarity of thought and understand what you have done .

You are not the first wayward to go through this, you like the many others can get through this and there is a fantastic chance to have a better more loving marriage. To do this you have to take what appears to you to be daunting steps, take them for yourself, your future and the future of your children.

Rocky it may seem like the world is against you , it is not , the capacity for people to forgive is inherent in is all. You have to forgive yourself , then ask your husband and family for forgiveness , you will be surprised that is highly likely that your husband will forgive you and continue to love you.

Be brave , keep to the commitment and move with your boys closer to strike, don't try to analyse or guess the future , there is a plan from MB to help you recover your marriage and make it a far better one , to do this you have to be a willing participant.

Fear and uncertainty will hold you back from growing as a person, a mother to your children and a wife , strength and commitment to a plan to rebuild those things will take you forward.

Give it a chance . We all have your best interests in our hearts

Nothing to fear but fear itself Rock.

Dont use fear as an excuse to avoid doing something difficult. You are capable of doing what you need to do, you know what you need to do. Stop chickening out when you know very well that if you put in 100 per cent, that you will not fail yourself.

You will become a person you can be proud of at the very least.

Rocky, you are still here - that is a good thing. Scared or not, deep down you know what you are doing is wrong. What you are doing is wrong for you, wrong for Strike, wrong for your children.

A relationship with the OM will never work. The knowledge of what you've done will always be there inside you. Sure, you can try to ignore that little voice, maybe drown it out for a time, but eventually the consequences of your actions will catch up to you.

Anybody can fear the future. But if you dedicate yourself to doing what is right, what is honorable, to trying to atone for your sins and to trying to heal your husband and your M, then regardless of what happens you will be able to move forward.

The OM is an anchor who will only drag you down.

I don't know what your future holds, or mine either, for that matter. But I know what is true and right. You wouldn't still be here if you didn't recognize what you are doing is wrong.

Just 3 days ago I thought my H was done. A big part of me wanted to just hole up and cry and lick my wounds. It would be easy to believe that I can never overcome what I did, that a person is only worth the sum of their mistakes...but that's not the whole truth. Your worth is determined by what you do to repent from your mistakes, to show remorse and to commit to doing what is right.

Right is kicking the OM to the curb. Right is packing up and going to Strike. Whether he finds it within himself to forgive you or not, what is right is allowing him to fill the role that is rightfully his, as a father to your boys. No OM is ever going to love them as Strike does.

The OM is selfish, all waywards are - that includes me, that includes you. In an A you're looking out only for yourself, and you're not considering what is best for all.

A relationship based on a lie is no relationship at all. You cannot and will not have anything worth spit with the OM. You will suffer. Your boys will suffer. They are suffering, whether you realize that or not.

Strike is suffering now. What is the true measure of yourself as a human being, as a mother, as a wife, Rocky? Can you face your fears?

We get one shot at this thing called life. We all screw up. How you respond to your screwups shows your depth as a person.

Sure, you can run. You can give up. I have wanted to give up many times, convinced I can never overcome what I did...and I'm sure I'll get scared again, and feel like giving up.

But I know in my heart that what I am fighting for - my marriage - is worth it. You have to believe that. I think you do or you wouldn't still be here. You know what you have to do.

For Strike's sake, for your boys' sakes, and yes, Rocky, for YOUR sake, I hope you will do what is right.

As my dad often says, "Whatcha gonna do about it?"

Welcome back

Are you mad enough at Rocky yet that you want to take her out and beat some sense into her? Thats a good start.

WPGs post was good advice, and I don't think I can add to that, but just one thing I would like to expound upon.

Doing whats right, and being happy doing it, because its right, thats all, no gaurantees with Strike, but I can guarantee disaster with little boy OM.

Do what is right and get the courage after, thats how it works, then you can eventually earn the right after you understand,(yeah sorry, might take awhile), to come back here and save some other waywards soul.

There is an old saying I remember adults saying to me while growing up and I screwed up. they would say, "Well are you a (SO-N-SO)?" I would say no, and they would say, "Then stop acting like one!"

It doesn't get much more simpler than that Rocky. Now buck up and do what they say here. Don't think about it do it, your life DOES depend upon it, so be scared NOT to do it.

Strike is a good man, and OM is a wussy, there is only one clear choice.

Originally Posted by indiegirl

Nothing to fear but fear itself Rock.

Absolutly

of many things scared that I will be treated worse than ever before. I asked my husband why he treated me the way he did for years when all I did was wroship. His reply was idk. (scary) I can't seem to forgive myself or understand etc why would he (scary) he does deserve better than me. scared that I will have nothing and he will leave me and take the boys cause I will have nothing (scary) scared of everything really plus scared everyday being about my mistakes now I have made it even worse because now my husband won't even talk to me on the phone so very terified cause I am planing to still go to my husband but now he isn't talking to me (don't blame him) not helping me get to him (dont blame him) so here is my plan. quit the job pack the boys clothes an stuff fill the car book hotel an drive 950mls an call him when i get there an hope an pray he will talk to me. I will be jobless homeless living in a hotel scary but i guess i have no choice really

Well? What's to think about, doll? Not to discourage, but if I were Strike I'd bail. Are you snapping out of it, or what? Do you see your reality in front of you? Do you see that this is in your hands and your hands only in a choice to fight with zero guaranty of success?

I don't think you do.

Sorry. Ther are many FWWs and FWH that get it, and I don't think you're one of them, Rocky.

Maybe I'm wrong. And, no, this isn't a reverse-psycho-babble post. I just don't see it.

i understand where you're coming from rocky...this is what I thought when it was apparent you started having contact with OM again...from what I have read from strike's thread, i interpret it as him wanting nothing more than you guys being a family again...as is often is said there is no excuse for the affair but there are reasons...he needs to fix the reasons...you cannot change the past, only the present and the future..you cannot change how he may have treated you in the past, you cannot change the fact that you have an affair...it's all about the present....this affair may have been what your marriage needed for you to both realize things were wrong and luckily you both found marriage builders...i truly believe 6 months from now if you go back to your husband things will be great...i hope you take the plunge for yourself, your child and your family

I am scared beyond words truly but plan to leave on the 6th I have lots of planning to do but I am sticking to it. Thinking about everything is very hard for me to do so I am

not trying to think about everything all day long being scared of everything is to much to so trying not to think about all those things as well.

I am just going to pack the car and book the hotel and go. It's all I can do at this point!!!!!!!!!!!

Rocky,

This is the same plan you had before. Can you blame Strike for false promises?

Am I wrong, or have you just had new contact with OM? What is you plan for NC with him?

I understand how and why you think what you do of me along with everyone else I know

No, it is not everything you can do. What of the NC letter?

Calm down and stop crying victim here. Get a grip.

"Truly Plan to" or you "ARE"?

NC letter with Strikes's approval and that he sends?

You didn't answer any questions, Rocky.

Stop crying, stop the pity-party and do the work. You can, you know.

not trying to play victom here I have went my whole life where I have no voice when I did use my voice no one gave a crap to listen !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so expressing anything I don't plan on playing the vic. or throwin a pitty party!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am leaving for fla on the 6th

I am throwing my phone away

I am quitting the job

I am going to be homeless with nothing

I will give him a nc letter he can mail it or whatever he wants

Well, now is a good time to use that voice, Rocky.

You can't get better ears then right here, can you? I mean, really? Can you find a better place now that people actually do give a crap?

I find this place to be amazing, don't you? People that, oddly, attach to you in a very objective and yet very personal way to try to help you..us.

You get a virtual, heartfelt kick in the teeth when you do something stupid, and the same time get the most love and support when you do what YOU know is the right thing.

You know what the right thing is for you, Rocky. I do, too. Go home, sweetie.

I feel I lost my vocie along time a go and now I am not worth having one so I am not going to worry about not having one anymore.

I am going home even though I don't have one anymore if that makes any sence!!!

Not true, doll. You, like anyone is worthy of a voice. Regardless of the mistakes you've made. You're going to have to own up to them -- really - with no excuses and no explanation.

You go home,and listen versus speak, OK? That "voice" you think you don't have is right there, but quiet. What you need to do now is go home. Be quiet and listen. Just listen for awhile...like a week or two.

But, go home. And, listen.

ANd, you need to send the NC letter. Did I mention that? That is non-negotiable, Rocky.

If you don't do this then you may as well stay where you are.

I am leaving on the 6th for sure

Good. Did you send OM the NC letter with Strike's agreement?

I think you saw that strike2 was getting ready to begin his life without you and it scared you to death. he has already cut communication with you..which I can't blame him.
You are not answering anyone's question because you are scared they will judge you.
You have already been your own judge.
You cut off communicating with strike2..you stopped answering his calls and then get back in contact with the OM.

I really hope you are serious because right now..if you are not..you are about to really be a single mom.

I am serious my husband won't talk to me other than one text saying he was done so hard to talk to him about letter or anything

I think it's to late.........................

Hey Rocky - I wanted to address something you said earlier, about you were scared (if you go home to Strike) you would be treated worse than ever.

Here's the deal. That old marriage, the one you & Strike used to have? It's dead. Gone. Over. Finito. What you and Strike *can* have is a brand new marriage. One that can be better than either of you have ever dreamed.

If - and only if - you do the work. You have to put in 120%. And you have to have a little faith, trust, and maybe even a little pixie dust, 'cause there's no guarantee. But the possibility of having the marriage of your dreams with your husband, the man you chose to marry, the father of your children? Oh yeah. That's priceless. Neither of you knew MB before, no one is instinctually born knowing how marriage works. Now you have a wealth of knowledge at your fingertips, and the two of you can use it to make an incredible M together.

That work starts now. As far as NC with OM, yes, you can send that letter when you get to Strike, but you've still got - what - 6 days before you leave, now? You need to ensure that OM knows in no uncertain terms that you are done. You must not have any contact with OM ever again and that starts immediately. You've already wavered in your conviction to go home once b/c the OM got back to you - do not let that b@stard get to you again!

"You are not answering anyone's question because you are scared they will judge you."

True. Biggest question of the day, Rocky:

Did you send OM the NC letter with Strike's agreement?

If no, you may as well pack up the truck and move to divorce.

WPG,

Can't she send the NC letter NOW? Copy Strike? Why wait? I know ideally they send together, but if that isn't going to happen, why should she not send now an CC BH in hardcopy?

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

I am serious my husband won't talk to me other than one text saying he was done so hard to talk to him about letter or anything

I think it's to late.........................

Sure he doesn't want to talk to you - because you've not only crushed him with your A, you crushed him again with a FR. And now he's twice bitten, and he's protecting himself. I did the same thing to my H with trickle-truth.

He doesn't want to talk to you b/c right now, to him, your words don't mean anything. Nothing. He knows you can sit right there and lie to him as easy as breathing so he's thinking, why the h377 should I believe her *this* time? What makes *this* time any different?

You have to show him how *this* time is different. You cut off all contact with OM. Call the cops if you need to. And then you get yourself to Strike.

Yeah, maybe it is too late, and maybe it isn't. There are no guarantees. But by God, wouldn't you rather go down fighting for the right thing???

Originally Posted by Surfer88

WPG,

Can't she send the NC letter NOW? Copy Strike? Why wait? I know ideally they send together, but if that isn't going to happen, why should she not send now an CC BH in hardcopy?

Sure - she could cc Strike on it and send it right away. Only thing I worry about is that I'm worried her language in a NC letter right now may not be strong enough and she needs to make it clear to loserboy that she's done, and her letter also needs to make clear to Strike that she's done with OM. Strike does not need to read a NC letter she wrote to OM that has weak, wishy-washy language or he's going to be even more wary. She must put in no uncertain terms that she's committing herself to her husband and her marriage.

Got that, Rocky??? No wiggle room!

Thanks WPG, that's what I was thinking?

Rocky,

How's about you write and post here?

So what you are saying is Rocky...

Is that you have allways had a problem, been subdued, maybe abused, but have never really spoke your mind before.

The you got together with Strike, and maybe you thought his love would change things, it already did in some ways, but you still didn't express your thoughts and life completly, and held your tounge, hoping for some kinda miracle.

After kids and what started to become a loveless marriage, just like in the book lovebusters, anticipation turned to dissipointment and then to resentment, which primed you for an affair.

Some guy with an idea that he was able to help you with a shot of his "Two-ball compound", who fell for this mess you are, and has no real strength of anything, Character, control, boundaries of protection for another mans wife, and now even less respect for you, because he thinks he owns you now, because you filled some fantasy he had... well thats the OW..

There is a saying men pass around about women, that to not fall for the "tender trap". Oh the damsel in Distress, the poor thing, she has had it so tough. In my experience letting somebody live in that is like giving them a death sentence. Teaching them to fight is what you should do for them, not teach them how to give up. Telling them everything will be OK without rock solid objective guidance makes them dependant, rinse and repeat, they will never get better.

So here is your choices, I will give three because I have seen it happen in lots of people, and the right guidance can help you, if you stop being scared.

1.You go to Strike. Tell him you have been a wimp, and have made it worse for yourself. You have never been taught how to stand up and fight for what you want, but you want him, so you are hiring the best trainer ever, to help you fight. (Then you get a therapist, come to Jesus moment so you can see he took away fear, and fight for what is right and what you want. You do this even if Strike says go away, you find a job and stay near him, and you come here for encouragement when your down). You fight, for yourself and your marriage and children, you get ticked off and fight. Yes you have it in you, everybody does.

2. You stop seeing OM, you get counseling on your syndrome, make arragements with Strike, and get a divorce. You tell strike that He just wasn't worth the fight, but you will get by, and he can have the children whenever. Then you live with the knowledge that you quit, even when you had a chance of recovery, and try to justify your imagined fears, as a good reason to give up so easily.

3. You just keep seeing OM, and when he dumps you because you are impossible, or boring, or do not stand up for yourself, you find another desparate and even worse guy to take his place. When your conscience speaks to you, and ask you why you didn't fight, you can tell that also that YOU were just not worth it. You wont be worring about your fears then, they will be in the drivers seat.

Those are the three choices you can have with varied results and combos of the three. I don't know what damage you have suffered Rocky, but I CAN tell you you have been fooled if you think you are not worth the fight, and much more. If you could only see that, wild horses couldn't stop you. Whatever was used against you to get you to sell yourself short, to reduce you to this quivering pile of jello, will probably be used to help you out of that hole also.

The differance is that here, nobody wants you a pile of jello, sorry but we are stronger than that, we would rather have a full blooded scrapper as a challange, and we will help you get there.

I don't know if you are a beliver in God, but as the saying goes, it doesn't matter, because he belives in you. God is in his people, and his people fill this place, and many churchs in the world have him present also. There are tons of different places to go to get counselling for your fears, and no matter what, you get that taken care of, because your a big girl now, time to put on the big girl panties, this is not playing house, this is marriage, and God is tottally able to strengthen even the gentlest of souls, and make them roaring lions.

Stop that not worth having one crap, or go back to the playpen. I just told you that we find you worth it, many have died in Wars to give you the right to speak. This is not hopeless and your not helpless. Get in the car and drive there even if you shake all the way there. There is love in this place for you and as much as you are probabbly saying to yourself,"But they don't know me!" Guess again, many of us have been there sweety, and you are no better or worse than any of us.

I use to be a very strong person!!! I somehow lost myself in my marriage I became jello!

I didn't have a voice I spoke no one listened
now because of all of my mistakes don't feel

Lik even using it!! I am gonna write the nc note fw to my husband for approval
he keeps just saying it's to late I hurt him to much

Again don't blame him at all

Part of me most days want to just disapear

My husband my baby boys deserve better than me

They deserve to be happy I haven't ever been able to do this for them

If I could only just disapear for a while

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

I use to be a very strong person!!! I somehow lost myself in my marriage I became jello!

BS. And, no, I most certainly do not mean of the "betrayed spouse" variety.

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

I didn't have a voice I spoke no one listened
now because of all of my mistakes don't feel

Lik even using it!!

BS. Again. Wow, this crap gets old real quick.

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

I am gonna write the nc note fw to my husband for approval

Post it here, especially if you don't hear anything back from Strike.

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

he keeps just saying it's to late I hurt him to much

Again don't blame him at all

Yeah, about that...

Look, Rocky, you are incredibly lucky. You have some excellent people posting to you, people who have not given up on you. You even have a BH who may still be willing to take you back - my bet is he will still put in work on the relationship.

The great thing is that you both have found MB, and there is no better place to recover a marriage - especially one touched by infidelity. It doesn't matter what your M was like pre-A; what matters is that you both own your parts in its demise, and you both go gangbusters to build a newer, better M.

But if you are serious about this - and, frankly, your past actions anger me and make me feel like I'm wasting my time anyway, (so can you even imagine what this false recovery - and, yes, that's what it is, don't lie about that - is like for your BH??) - if you are serious about this, you need to quit your crying and moaning and self-pitying nonsense. Pull up your big girl panties and handle this like an adult.

You made a mistake, a huge, colossal mistake. But all of your whining and history re-writing and victimizing will get you nowhere but alone, and fast.

You know what all of your posts scream right now? "Me, me, me, what about meeeee?" There will be a time and a place for the attention and comfort and strength you seek - and, wouldn't you know? That is with Strike.

They deserve a better version of you, nobody can replace you, nobody.

Now just straighten up and fly right, you will get through it, just go through the tough parts and remeber quitting is not an option. Deep breaths, let yourself be human, you will never do THAT again, deep breaths...

Minute bt minute, hour by hour, day by day, thats how you measure the improvments.

Start a journal and write it all out, see a counselor, go to church, pray.

They don't call hell fire and brimstione for nothing. They say that fire and burning is used to explain what happens to the soul, because of the fact that burns are the worse form of pain known to human beings. Ever smell brimstone? It really stinks like rotten eggs.

do the letter, call the cops if OM shows up, and trust God for strength.

Goodnight Rocky praying for ya.

How do I help my husband now!

I know I have to write the letter an send it to my husband

What else? Rightfully he won't talk to me
I know nothing I say help

I asked him if he would review nc letter but he keeps saying it's to late

I see all the post how it's all about me an well not sure what to even say really

This is the only place I have express anything but I won't

I am in desperate need of serious help to save my marriage!!!!!!!!

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

I see all the post how it's all about me an well not sure what to even say really

This is the only place I have express anything but I won't

I am in desperate need of serious help to save my marriage!!!!!!!!

But, Rocky, don't you see? You haven't expressed anything that demonstrates a recognition of what you did, its wrongness, and a commitment to repairing it.

Instead, you are panicking - I think it was Surfer who said you saw your BH moving on and you got scared.

And you know what? That's fine. You recognize, at least on some level, that you're about to lose something good, something important. But if you are serious about this, you need to do more than scramble to reel him back in.

Instead of spending your time complaining about being misunderstood and not heard or whatever, sit down and write out your NC letter. Post it here, get feedback, and send it ASAP.

The desperation and hopefully guilt and even more hopefully pain (I'll explain why) you are feeling now are good - but let them motivate you to action, not leave you spinning your wheels in a mire of self-pity. At some point, I hope the pain you feel will be eclipsed by the pain of seeing what you have inflicted on your BH. I know it sounds a little crazy right now, but once that happens = progress, really good progress.

But that's a ways off. For now, focus on your NC letter.

Also, have you read about extraordinary precautions (EPs) yet? You will need these to patch any avenues of contact the OM may use to reach you.

What happened between the last time you were posting (your first attempt at recovery) and now?

And evidence to all that you are still not seeing the OM , start by moving closer to your husband. A nc letter is all well and dandy if it means anything to you and is enforced.

Rocky, if you think we are a little hard on you, imagine what someone who is actually personally betrayed by you feels.

A part of me was angry with you for contacting OM after all of the help you were receiving on this board. We were all backing you up and you snowed us all. That ticked me off, but I care about saving people from affairs, and if you are truly serious this time, I will help wherever I can.

You are going to need to PROVE that you are willing to recover and you MEAN it. Not that you are just scared that Strike is gone, and he will take your boys. If you stay a wayward, I would strongly recommend that he try his darndest to get those boys. WSs make LOUSY parents.

I think you should give the coaching center or the radio show a shout out.

I don't remember, did you read SAA? You need to make steps to PROVE that you are actually serious this time.

False recoveries are WORSE than the original betrayal, so you have done A LOT of damage to your BH. He is lying there bleeding on the floor and you are saying, "But he won't talk to me. I did such horrible things and I feel bad." He is BLEEDING.

Set up a polygraph test, just to give Strike peace of mind, whether he decides to reconcile or not. You owe him a lot more than that, but it's a start.

Get working, re-read your thread. There was a lot in there.

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

Part of me most days want to just disapear

My husband my baby boys deserve better than me

They deserve to be happy I haven't ever been able to do this for them

If I could only just disapear for a while

It is very hard to be so unhappy and know that you only have yourself to blame.

I get that.

Now do I think that lets you off the hook for making up for what you have done?

UH huh.

The only way to happiness is to find the strong person you ARE.

You dont have a choice about being strong. It is the only way out!

Our darkest moments give us the opportunity to find the strongest version of ourselves.

So seize this opportunity! Face the music. It is the bravest, most loving act imaginable. It is the most significant opportunity to be honest. To be able to say to all the people you have hurt 'I did something unforgiveable and it is all my fault' to say 'I do not deserve to be forgiven, but I would do anything for the chance to heal the wounds I inflicted'.

I have to say my wh was an honest person about everything but his own shortcomings.

If he was able to face his critics now, show love and bravery, risk everything knowing he could walk away with nothing...

Well on that day I would love him more than I did on our wedding day.

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

I asked him if he would review nc letter but he keeps saying it's to late

All talk no action. Send the letter have BH approve and mail it.

But have your friends here check it before you send it to BH. Better to send a letter your BH won't need to change.

I am in desperate need of serious help to save my marriage!!!!!!!!
(Wow, eight exclamation points - she MUST be serious, right?)

Let's get situation defined, shall we?

1) Firstly requiring external help to "save" your marriage at this point is ridiculous. Now, had the statement been that you were in desparate need of help to cure yourself of your incredible self-entitlement, arrogance, and drama-queendom, you might have a chance of improving the situation.

2) You're "going" to send the NC letter......you're going to quit your job.....you're going to leave for Florida...... And yet, with all that "going" to happen, exactly what have you done? Write the NC letter and post it here? NO! Answered any of the vital questions posted by the folks here who actually think you are worth dealing with? NO!

[Linked Image from innersphere.com]

He hasn't appeared for a while, but The Great Neverguessedeo is going to make the following prediction:

Instead of taking real action in the direction of honor, fidleity, and integrity, you will continue to provide frantic three-line postings, with numerically-increasing exclamation points to demonstrate how serious you are, until Skippy dangles his love-lure, oh, about 04 August. You'll then yet again decide that you haven't the fortitude to go forward with your plan, and stay in your current situation.

Rocky, the posters here ARE giving you serious help to save your marriage. The reason folks keep saying that you're making this all about you is, well, you are making this all about you.

I get it. I'm a FWW myself, and I know how horrible it feels to realize how everything is messed up because of what I did. But some very wise folks here guided me through numerous outbreaks of self-flagellation. The more time you spend bemoaning your own existence, the less time and energy you have for healing your marriage and your BH.

Don't get me wrong, I still have periods of crushing doubt about myself, bouts of the "what ifs" and "if onlies", depression, you name it. But you have to realize that each time you dwell on your own pain - and I get it, you have pain - you're not addressing what needs to be done.

And if you think you're in pain now, just wait till you get to Strike, and you see firsthand the evidence of what you did to him.

A WS's wounds are self-inflicted. The wounds that our BH's have were caused by our own hands. In a perfect world of recovery, our actions would demonstrate love, care, and committment to our BH's, healing their wounds first, and then and only then will they be capable of helping us heal the damage we did to ourselves. And, I believe that, at least for me, that my BH is capable of helping me to heal in a way no one else can do.

Strike does not want to listen to your words right now. Understood. There are many times, now, even over a year and a half past full disclosure, that my BH doesn't want to listen to my words either.

Actions, Rocky. Actions. The first is that NC letter. Get it posted. Let the good folks here review it. Send it. And then pack up your truck and hit the road.

Rocky,
It sounds like to me you are not willing to send that letter unless Strike2 will take you back.

Are you keeping the OM on "standby" just in case you cant recover your marriage? If so you are hurting both of them just as bad.

Think about that for a minute.

You should be cutting out the A for yourself and your children even if Strike is not willing to talk to you right now. It will show you are willing.

Warning Rocky, the shelvelife of us believing your seriuos is short. Thats ok, you need a kick in the pants anyways.

Are you trying to come off like someone who is abused? It sure sounds like it.

So life was not perfect for you, like Scotty said her Dad would say, "So what are you gonna DO about it?"

Like Indie said, forward is your only way out, you have no choice. Life will go on whether you choose to participate or not, things will not stop happening around you or to you, and people will stop listening.

Its all on you, and its all you, and you will be the proud owner of your own choices and future, one way or another.

Now how about doing something instead of wishing and hoping and imagining the worse? Its quite a temptation to live in the helpless self-pity place that the world does'nt understand isn't it? If you were my charge I would do the same as I do here. Tell you to get ahold of yourself, and refuse you the pity, that will eventually take you down.

I have a SIL, who along with the rest of my late wives family, was brought up in terrible circumstances. Now my late wife, who also had her times of hiding in self pity, was the only one of the children who learned, and lived in for a time, that feeling sorry for yourself is the worse thing anybody could do, and it only makes life worse.

See SIL was prone to look for guys that abused her, and I attribute that to her upbringing, and because it was the easy way out to blame everybody else.

So she would come to my wife for advice, crying about what should she do, bring the ol six pack and refuse to do anything. she was a caustic person to be around, and riddled with drug issues, and dragged my wife down into her pit. We offered her protection, a place to live, and the sources for counselling, along with the word and faith of God.

I guess God wasn't big enough for her..

So here it is, people will avoid helping at some point, if you don't do anything to help yourself. Its OK, we are weak too, and need to keep our hearts in order before God, beleive it or not, some of us have come from bad circumstances also, that we had to put behind us, or it would eat us alive also.

Keep this simple, put your stupid mistakes and fears behind you where they belong, and join the rest of us in the human race. Jump right in, the waters fine. Full of sharks and danger, but use your head, and don't let the sharks smell the blood of poor Rockys troubles. Count on those who know you can beat this, if you swim in the right direction.

If your wringing your hands and saying,"I know I know I just can't help it..."

..thats for you. Now to get the full effect go to home depot and hit yourself with one. Thats the most loving advice another human can give sometimes, but God can go deeper, and his wounds are true.

Leave you with a story..

There was this little birdy in the nest with its two siblings. Its mother left to get food, and told them to wait.

The little birdy started crying, it wasn't fair that it was all alone, and that it had to wait. He wanted to leave. The sibling warned him to stay, and started crying too, but the birdy fluttered down to the ground, where he was alone, but still unhappy and crying. His siblings eventually calmed down and stopped crying.(Like the rest of us are eventually gonna do with you).

On the ground a cow heard the birdy crying, and came over and asked what was wrong? The Birdy told his story, and said now he was cold and did not have all his feathers, could the cow help? The cow saying nothing, turned around and took a dump on the birdy, covering him with warm cowpie, and walked away. ( well kinda like welfare isn't it? what left after the rest of the world has allready partaken of lifes abundance).

Now the Birdy was very upset, and started crying louder. A fox was nearby, and came over and asked what was the matter? The birdy again told his story, and added the part about how now, he was covered with poop, and how unfair it was all of this stuff that happened to him. The fox felt very sorry for Birdy, and listened intently for quite some time, agreeing that life wasn't fair, finally he said, "Would you like me to bring you to the brook and wash you off?"

The birdy agreed, and was very thankful that the fox was so kind. The fox picked up the birdy gently and brought him to the brook, washed him off, then ate him.(Like OM)

The moral is, not everybody who craps on you is trying to hurt you, and those that sympathize are not allways trying to help.

Originally Posted by LuvsDavid

Rocky,
It sounds like to me you are not willing to send that letter unless Strike2 will take you back. ..

Yeah she hasn't grasped that aspect yet. That looking for gaurantees that life will bring romance does not make you or anyone else happy and well adjusted.

But we are working her over,,ahem sorry, WORKING ON HER the best we can. Now if God can step in and send a tornado to move her to where strike is...

Nah Strike deserves to see the miracle come from Rocky, where it is living just waiting to get out, if she will let it.

I leave in the morning my husband still won't talk to me
but I am going to him anyways

I can't fix anything here an he won't let me again don't blame him
he is beggin me not to come he is done an don't want me to

I am going anyways

Go, move closer to your husband your every action will show him you are serious. Write the NC letter and post it here for review.

Is there anything else you need to tell us that may cause your husband to keep you at arms length.

Nc letter all I know to say is

I love my husband i have been a very stupid person
making a lot of horrible mistakes an I am going to make my marriage

What it always should have been I will not talk to you contact you in any way and you will not contact me ever again!

On why my husband won't talk to me or keeps me at arms length
well do you blame him I hurt him and then I hurt him again out of fear

Idk if he will ever five me the chance to fix it
I may get there an he may still refuse to talk to me

But scared to death I am going to try
I contacted lawyer said I have to sign pw to cancle pd today

I am handling what I can today plan to leave first thing in am I will handle the rest by phone once I get there

Contacted Relitor house back on for rent sept 1st told her she will just have to mail us the pw to sign!

I figure the stuff in house if he wants it we will have to come get it and five the rest away it's just stuff at this point stuff means nothing

I am going to throw away my phone only taking numbers I need to eliminate om from being able to contact me

I won't have phone a place to live or a job an 950mls away don't see him finding away to contact me

Email addresses, facebook, and any mutual friends needs to go too.

As far as the NC letter goes, find some examples on here. Write up your rough draft.

Again, do you have SAA? If you do, there is an example in there of a NC letter.

Rocky,

What you "want" is basically to start over. You want to start over in marriage, in love, in life.

Nobody can, yet, everybody can.

It's a conundrum, Rocky.

Every day you wake up to a completely new opportunity. In fact, each MOMENT presents you with an opportunity to CHANGE.

The issue is

WILL YOU?

It really takes nothing more than your simple CHOICE, within each moment, to CHOOSE BETTER.

That's all that is required to "start over", Rocky.

There is no requirement of a given start date. I know that many people wait until January 1st, and say, "Oh, I will begin anew on that date, I will start a new diet, I will exercise every day, I will start looking at the world differently beginning on that particular date."

And meanwhile, they continue on with the same bad practices. "Practicing" being, well, BAD.

In reality, there is no magic "date" to begin changing for the better. It happens the MOMENT YOU CHOOSE TO CHANGE, Rocky.

Notice...I said...CHOOSE.

Because you can look back over your life for "reasons" and "excuses" for why you behave this way or that way. You can look at other people for their influences in your life and why you "react" the way you do.

In the end, however, you really do CHOOSE your own behavior. Each and every time. Whether you have an affair, or yell at your husband, or lie, or make a loving request, or go to counseling, or meet his needs or your own - you CHOOSE the response.

You are the ONLY person directly connected to your own brain.

And inside that brain is where all the choices are made.

I say this as the survivor of severe physical and emotional child abuse, and as the survivor of childhood rape, and as the survivor of physical abuse within a relationship. I have been there, in more ways than one.

I chose not to leave when I could have. I did the wrong thing back then, and chose to make excuses for my abusive boyfriend...for far too long. Those mistakes are mine to own, not his. He has his share of mistakes to own, and I give them to him.

It was when I woke up and OWNED my CHOICES that I was able to finally escape my past

and start over.

Because as much as I would have LOVED to have blamed so many other people

and to have gone on as the victim forever

I have lived as a very strong, confident, happy, serene, and RESPECTED woman

ever since the day I

CHOSE

to begin again

as the owner of the RIGHT choices.

And even when my choices are not as "right" as I want them to be????

I proudly own them. Because THAT is what it is to truly LIVE.

Go home. Start over. Own your choices, and never blame another soul for YOUR life. Because when you succeed - you want to own that, too. And when you do, you will proudly join hands with those who helped you. Because as owner of your choices, you will soon learn

nobody does anything good on his or her own.

Live Strong.

Schoolbus

Rocky,

I really think you should read my ww post on here. Strugglingaz...You will find someone who for about 2 weeks that wanted to work on our marriage then put me through a false recovery until I found she contacted the om and now we are in the middle of a divorce!

I can already tell you what my 6 year-old daughter says about what happened and that it will affect her future relationship with her mother no matter how much her mother buys her or takes her places!! I am honest to my kids about what happened and they know and will continue to know that I wanted my marriage and she did NOT!

See when you follow your feelings for the OM and neglect your BH you have created a huge problem that YOU can fix!!! I took my ww back and she did the absolute cruelest thing she could have done to me and our kids by putting us through a false recovery!

Right now you don't deserve your husband! If you want to prove to him you are worth it then you better know what just compensation is along with having some strong EP's and be willing to alter your personal boundaries. It takes ACTIONS!!

See Rocky I don't communicate with my WW either! Why do we as BS want to be hurt again and again! I took responsibility for my side of the marriage, but I would never of hurt her the way she has hurt me and that leaves a huge hole in my heart! Think about your husband and why possibly he doesn't want to be hurt and lied to again..

The thing about all of this though is that you CAN change and become that awesome spouse and have that fantastic marriage you always wanted! Believe me my ww hasn't even begun to feel the fallout---be better than that Rocky-for kids, your husband, and yourself!!

Yes I am only taken lawyers relitors mothers number

"Nc letter all I know to say is"...

Oh, come on. Really? Of the 400 places to find a template here and in SAA, and this is what you come up with? Wah.

Speaking of Wah, how's about you not use this >>> ! <<<< punctuation except on a Birthday Card for a year or so?

You have so much advice here...you (and the good folks) don't need me to antagonize. It's too frustrating to witness and I'm not the most patient person with "hopie/changie" speak. I wish you the best though.

hotel is booked my husband calls to beg me not to come says i am wasting my time

going but I know it's over I hurt him to much

It is not over. Period.

Go. Because you need to figure out what YOU have to do to fix YOU.

And at least PART of that answer includes the fact that the other man is NOT in the picture.

SB

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

Yes I am only taken lawyers relitors mothers number

Good stuff, there you go.

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

hotel is booked my husband calls to beg me not to come says i am wasting my time

going but I know it's over I hurt him to much

Over? You havent even started!

Doing the right thing is never a waste of time.

Whenever you feel the pain of this situation really start to bite, let it drive you forward to the way out instead of pulling you down.

Rocky, if you move and Strike doesn't try to reconcile, what is the worst possible outcome? You will get a D, and the two of you will share custody of your son(and hopefully you will encourage the relationship that Strike has with your other son). Neither one of you will have to go MONTHS without seeing your child. Is that really so bad?

You need to get away from OM for YOU. You need to do it because the person you have become is no where near the person whom you were, and the person whom you want to be.

Go because it is the right thing to do.

I am paking an loading the van all is coming together

For the first thing in the am treak to Fla! I know in my heart I just messed things so bad an hurt him to much I don't think he coul have been more clear

said there was no chance in he'll he would never beielve a word I ever said an my actions mean nothing to him anymore ither

I am going an about as terrified as I have ever been

The definition of courage is doing something even though you are scared stiff. Keep going.

Awesome SB

It is true that those words and that attitude is eternal , and new every morning .

I hear that voice within telling me the same things but when you put it like that, it strengthens me anew

Thank you for that

Fear? You have already lost if you give in.

Courage - feeling the fear and doing the right things anyway - again and again while they remain the right things to do.

Here's the thing about fear when it comes to relationships. Weighing in the balance all of the years, communication and the intricate linguistics that a couple learns over time - you don't have that with OM, never will because it started out wrong.

So if you want to start over, think of the whole process of learning the other person's language - all of the subtleties and nuances. You have to do the work. With recovering a marriage from betrayal, you still at least KNOW S2'S LANGUAGE - you know - somewhere in you, you know. He has walls up and deservedly so. He deserves self-protection. And he will not know for a very long time if you can protect him from YOU. Even if you do all the right things.

A recovering wayward deserves a different message but you are less than two weeks from last contact with OM. You have to do the heavy lifting and fear is a luxury you can't afford to indulge in for a very long time to come. For the sake of your children, if you care for them at all. Do the right thing by their father.

I guess what I'm telling you is that the years of marriage are not wasted by your betrayal if you do all that you must (beyond all that you can) to do the right things again and again. Until you know for a fact that you have given your very best, all of your heart without reservation or condition to the recovery of your marriage - and that will take time - you cannot take this marriage to "over" before growing to this level of moral character without that internal whip of fear and terror you currently use on yourself driving you for the rest of your life. Life will teach you this lesson over and over again until you learn to be good. Let's hope the body count does not include your children - they're already wounded to the core because of what you've done and the only way to truly heal them is to become a woman of honor.

Rocky, good job on the packing and other arrangements to move. I can understand the emotional rollercoaster you're on right now, too, and while it is a given, don't let it run out of control.

Early on in our recovery, in the midst of one of my crazy, weepy, depressive, desperate episodes, my BH told me in no uncertain terms: my desperation, my emotional craziness, was not making him sure of my commitment to recovery; instead, it was making him extremely scared for my ability to get my head on straight and do the work required of me.

My emotional rollercoaster made him think I was going to ditch the relationship.

Coupled with your false recovery of once before, I think you can appreciate how the desperation of your posts and your current actions are still not "fixing everything." This is not to discourage you - rather, I want you to try to stop, breathe, and make that one single commitment right now to do the right thing. Don't get overwhelmed by all of the other stuff: just focus on Strike and doing the right thing by him, by your kids, and by your marriage vows.

You can do this.

I am going an about as terrified as I have ever been

Terrified of? Somehow, in all the angst, agony and "Oh, you poor thing..." notes here, what gets forgotten is the incredibly decent treatment you've gotten from S2. What you SHOULD be terrified of is that he'll wise up and treat you with the contempt that your slutty behavior warrants.

Brings to mind the old story about the teenager who kills both parents and then throws himself on the mercy of the court because he's an orphan!

Enjoy your trip!!!!!!!!

NG, you are sooo going to get censored. LOL! I'm out...I can't stomach Rocky anymore.

Oh, and still no NC letter written? She's "so confused".

Mrs. V, I appreciate you, but Rocky isn't even thinking about step one (NC and NC letter), much less any next steps.

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

...[he] said there was no chance in he'll he would never beielve a word I ever said an my actions mean nothing to him anymore [e]ither...

Well, Rocky, you delayed going into no-contact, then you allowed someone who was untrustworthy to compromise your new phone number by giving it to OM, then you broke no contact, and then you said you'd come to be near your husband, but then you didn't and, and then you broke no-contact again, and you stuck around where OM is. (If I've got the story straight.) And I go on vacation for 8 days & I get back and see that you're still putzing around where you were over a week ago...

If those have been your actions, then the net result of those actions has been to yank your husband around, emotionally. That's not his doing, it's yours. You've ground your own credibility into powder. The only way to rebuild your credibility with him is to make consistent, good choices that take his feelings & fears into account. And his #1 fear is that you'll turn out to be a liar, again, and that he'll have made himself vulnerable to that.

If you don't protect him from that fear, then this won't work. If you won't protect him from that fear, then it'd be best if you don't bother going down there at all. Either you will be a woman of integrity & put your heart in his hands, or else you won't. It's your choice.

But you can't "half-way" choose. You have to be all-in. Three weeks ago, back on July 12, I invested some thought into posting to you about the danger of making your recovery efforts conditional upon certainty of a good outcome. I reminded you that making your efforts conditional was the sure way to guarantee a bad outcome. I told you you need to put all your chips in, in order for this to work.

Have I wasted my time? I will leave you to answer that. I won't waste any more of yours.

Rocky, I hope you are sincere this time. Alot of good folks like GloveOil and others spent much of their valuable time posting to you. Please don't waste their time.

NC Letter

I wrote my NC letter with a great deal of help from page 58 in �Surviving An Affair�, by Dr. Willard Harley. He suggests something pretty close to what I wrote.

XXX, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My affair with you was a cruel indulgence that (my wife) did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay (my wife) for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I love my wife and family and I do not want to do anything to risk their happiness again. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end all contact.

tst

I gave the letter to my wife, she approved, sealed and mailed the letter herself. I followed up my commitment by slamming the door on EVERY possible means of contact. My wife followed up my letter with a call to OW that if contact were ever made by her, it would result in a harassment law suit.

Kudos for showing your face here again....

Do I trust you?
No!

Should anyone trust you?
No!

Should I have been trusted once I showed up on MB?
No!

Was I given guidance?
Yes!

Did people call bull when they saw it?
Yes!

Will people call bull when you spread it?
Well, Ya, of course!

Are there things you need to do?
Well, Duh, of course!

So write the NC Letter like the one I just posted and cc Strike, asking him for his help regardless of whether he's done or not...
Can you easily do this?
Yes!

So get it done!

Let us know once this action is complete and wait for Strike to approve it and ask if he will send it even if he is done with the marriage.
Can you easily do this?
Of course you can!
So do it!

Next,

Follow thru with you other actions of traveling back to Fla.

Actions are required!

Can you do this?

Yes!

Rocky,

I wasn't going to post to you again, but wanted to pop in to say that this is probably your last chance effort at reconciliation. This is the last chance for you to end the lies and work towards regaining your dignity as a woman and a mother.

Listen, waywards do not make good parents. You cannot be and be wayward at the same time. Cheaters are selfish by nature, and thus the thought of a wayward even being able to make good parental judgements is just wrong. So either you LEAVE this destructive lifestyle behind, or you will be leaving your kids behind one way or another.

I for one, hope that you will finally follow your words and past empty promises and move back to FL. BE a real mom to your kids, stop skanking with another man, and TRY TO BE A REAL WIFE to your husband, who has been willing to work towards having a loving and beautiful marriage with you. Many others (including myself) simply would not do that. I'm no longer that forgiving.

This is it. The 11th hour. Are you going to take the easy way out, no make that the COWARDLY way out or are you going to woman up?

Originally Posted by Surfer88

Mrs. V, I appreciate you, but Rocky isn't even thinking about step one (NC and NC letter), much less any next steps.

Haha - Surfer, your posts have been cracking me up, you and NG. Half of me wants to boot Rocky from here 'til tomorrow, and the other half remembers what it was like in those early, foggy days.

If it doesn't help her, maybe it will help one of those ubiquitous lurkers...

?

Originally Posted by peachyisback

I for one, hope that you will finally follow your words and past empty promises and move back to FL. BE a real mom to your kids, stop skanking with another man, and TRY TO BE A REAL WIFE to your husband, who has been willing to work towards having a loving and beautiful marriage with you. Many others (including myself) simply would not do that. I'm no longer that forgiving.

Rocky, the reason I keep posting to you is b/c maybe, just maybe, you have a chance that I don't. Maybe I'm just a hopeless optimist at heart. But you have a husband who has been willing, and maybe still is willing. This is probably your last shot, and if you throw that away with a half-azz NC letter, or fail to follow through with your actions, I seriously doubt any of the folks on this board, myself included, will be back to help you again. It's sorta like the boy who cried "wolf!" After a time, the villagers stopped responding...and when the wolf was really at the door, well, you know what happens in the story.

Originally Posted by Mrs_Vanilla

If it doesn't help her, maybe it will help one of those ubiquitous lurkers...

?

Yeah, like when a younger child learns from watching an older one who gets in trouble, or when you see a peer go to jail, or get into a car accident... "Gee..it CAN happen to me!"

Many times I am counselled indirectly by others counselling others myself, thats the benifet of staring the problems in the face, with a community of support. It strengthens us too.

But we are all so comepletly different people, from different walks of life, who have seen and experienced things in marraiges, because we lacked the same skills taught by Dr H. and MB.

I also beleive as I and everyone can attest, that they came here not because they made no mistakes, but because they made some pretty heavy ones.

Rocky has the same chance as anyone to recover herself, and then her marriage, if she follows the instructions. As responsible human beings, and also as weak ones ourselves, its our duty to help those lost, to find thier way.

But they must do it, because they will own it, and that is more preciuos than Gold.

Follow the instructions Rocky, and keep getting up. You don't lose till you quit the fight, no matter how many times you fall down, you get back up.

I am not talking about staying here and seeing OM, if you do that its emotional and spiritual suicide. I am talking about the fear, the guilt, and desire to run away and hide. Go there, get established, and make yourself available to strike no matter what. It is the right thing to do for him and your children, therefore for you also.

Yes we all post expecting to help more than the original poster, and I for one have been helped, because of the heart of other posters, and thier fearless support of marriage, and all it is supposed to and can be for everyone.

FWIW, my then-wayward husband back in 1979 (wow, it really was a long time ago) told me:

"I do not love you, I never did love you, and I never will love you."

And he left me.

During his three-month hiatus, he tried to get with his fantasy OW, who actually had eyes for another man. My husband never did want to come home, really.

When he did come home, he was there ONE NIGHT, and then had a ONS.

Yep.

It took him one single night before he cheated on me.

So, I promptly slapped him in the face, walked out the door, and got into our old VW bus and drove away. I was on a California freeway, screaming every obscenity I could think of, at nobody. Just driving and yelling. I wasn't going anywhere, as I had nowhere to go. I wasn't yelling at anyone, because I was all alone in the bus.

I realized that here I was, driving, and had some really good things to say - and my stupid husband was sitting back at the apartment NOT HEARING THEM! So I promptly exited the freeway, turned that bus around, and drove home. When I turned into our driveway, I was so angry...

I wiped out the mailbox with the side of the VW. The landlord was standing there watching me. I rolled down the window and yelled, "Don't worry, ______ will fix that."

I got out, went into the apartment, sat down, and proceeded to tell that man exactly how the NEW marriage would roll out.

And it did. For many many many years, it rolled that way. From 1979 until his dadgum mid-life idiocy in 2005, it rolled.

So, things can work out, Rocky. You just hang in there. Do not stop, work on your changes, choose to do the right thing with each and every decision.

Because somewhere in there YOU have promise.

SB

Mrs. V!

Bless your heart, and for all of the others trying to help Strike and her. I have sarcasmitis on occasion.

Yes, maybe all of this CRYSTAL CLEAR, getoffyourduffandgrowupyouareanadulthaveachild style advise will sink in to a lurker out there. Oops. There it is again.

Thanks for all that you do!

I hope thats the sound of driving home to Strike coming from you right now Rocky. Look forward to hearing great strides, guts and determination from you soon.

It was a long drive but the boys and I made it home

oh how excited the boys where to see there daddy!

I was to so very much

brought the handwritten nc letter with me for my husband to review

got to lay with my husband and babies for a while last night

hope he will see me today

I haven't seen my husband in a long time and I can see the pain in his face
I did that I caused that............

You are taking your first steps towards becoming a woman of integrity again - good for you.

The challenge will be to keep going, to keep making those steps. You can do it.

Rockydugan,

I have read both threads and I have to say although you have been lost a lot of the time I see a good woman in there and I am proud of who you are trying to be right now......
You have to own this and you have to come up with a plan to show your family that they are what matter to YOU.
Strike2 is going to be very gun shy, he isn't going to just believe your words, you will have to show yourself truthful through actions and precautions.......
You will have to think through everything you say and do so he can't get any other idea but what you are trying to present.......
You need to be totally open, I suggest a note pad back and forth to reveal information that is needed to get the truth.........it helps with the chance of things getting to hurtful and the conversation getting out of control.
You find out what Strike2 needs from you right now, ask him, discuss it and show him all on your own what you want to do for him, fill the love bank for him, let him trust the little things for now........slowly over time he will feel safer.....don't rush things..........
Get help from Dr. Harley's site together............
Live the life the two of you should have been living.......with your kids......
Forget anything else none of that matters anymore.........
Make that pain in his face disappear................that is your job now...

Great post Jessie
I like the notebook idea very tender
Grats Rocky you won that battle hats off

Rocky, one other thing I thought of, especially in light of the false recovery so far:

It gets better. If you put in the hard work now, no matter how low the recovery rollercoaster dips, it gets better.

If, however, you run away when the going gets tough, you are guaranteeing nothing more than continued misery and pain - for all parties involved.

In the words of the great JL: please think about this.

I am not going anywhere

We are suppose to do some faimly things when he gets off work today

We went to lunch together our lit baby made us all roll

While out today I am getting note book

Go Rocky Go! I'm thinking of the theme song to the movie, "Rocky" and tellin' you if you follow MB and the plan perfectly, it will be a TKO of the affair and of wanting to have ANYBODY else, other than your H and kids in your life!

Work this plan with all you've got! You could have the marriage you always wanted and the family surrounding you both, and the lives you dreamed of together. Granted, life's not perfect, but being in a family and marriage filled with LOVE is about as close as you can get.

Now you fight for this Rocky!

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

I haven't seen my husband in a long time and I can see the pain in his face
I did that I caused that............

Yup, you sure did!

So what is your plan from here?

My plan??????????????

Motel car shelter

None of those are fit for the boys so they are gonna have to
stay with daddy

I am going on the job hunt searching for hrs opposite from my
husband to resolve baby sitter issues

Starting note book today but will take a long time for him to beielve I am not going anywhere so the living arrangements are just what is necessary

Each day I am trying to spend as much time with him as possible
taking each day to say an do the things I should hav always been the things no matter what

I should have never stopped!!

He doesn't say he loves me anymore (I know he does) but I still tell him the rolling of the eyes or silence when I do is just part of the reality that is all my fault

My oldest son asked today if he could go back to church
I said I think ofcourse an I think it's a good idea we all go

Realizing I don't only need to prove myself in this new life to my husband an kids but god to

I stopped going to church many years ago

He is here now WAHOO!!!! We spending time together

Be sure that any new job you get doesn't prevent you from spending time with your husband.

I can understand the babysitting $$$ -- but that has to take a back seat to spending quality time as a family and as a couple.

Lots of people get INTO this trouble because of that.

Wow rocky impressed me enough to bring a tear in

But I am not the one to impress

I'm am sure you are getting Gods attention also, on the positive side now.

But He will not play favorites, and he cannot lie, or change the truth, or deny it either

As long as you are earnestly seeking Him, he will honor you. The only one who can screw that up is you and you can't blame others for your lack of honesty with Him

God bless you on this leg of your journey, and remember to do or die, and let strike see your every move.

Your on your way but the battle is not over yet, hang tough

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

I am going on the job hunt searching for hrs opposite from my
husband to resolve baby sitter issues

Don't get a job with opposing hours unless you can get at least 20 hours of undivided attention scheduled with your H each week.

My H and I made the mistake of having opposing schedules and it lead to his A.

Originally Posted by hbd

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

I am going on the job hunt searching for hrs opposite from my
husband to resolve baby sitter issues

Don't get a job with opposing hours unless you can get at least 20 hours of undivided attention scheduled with your H each week.

My H and I made the mistake of having opposing schedules and it lead to his A.

ITA

Agree -- no opposite hours, Rocky. Counter productive.

Rocky, I'm cheering you on! You can do this!

Originally Posted by Surfer88

Agree -- no opposite hours, Rocky. Counter productive.

The minimum for a happy M is 15-20 hours UA, but I believe it's more in the neighborhood of 25-30 hours UA during recovery from an A. Opposing shifts won't help you guys accomplish that goal.

Especially now...too fragile.

Rocky,

Glad you are home. And you will be home.

Keep moving forward on your path.

Church can help you with a place to stay, and with activities together.

SB

We had amazing family time yesterday! Then we talked for about an hr

then I got cuddles and kisses

talk about felling amazing

The boys are so happy an so am I
nothing I perfect but when we all four are together none of that matters

At night when I lay my head on his chest i am happy an ok none of the hard parts of the day matter

I keep doing everything I can to reasure him I am going no where
today the plan is

Surprise him at work steal a few kisses take him his fav snack
then maybe lunch

After he get off work I am gonna see if he want to go to the beach or pool

You moving in the right direction , it will be hard work but the rewards will be great.

Rocky,

I am proud of you girl, remember how wonderful it feels to love your husband again, you know it's right, make it great girl, this is your chance, put your best foot forward............
Take it slowly, don't expect a lot .......just enjoy getting to know each other in a better way then it has ever been.........
jessi

Rocky,

You are taking steps that might make your husband realize you're serious this time. I hope you are and I'm praying for you both. We're all rooting for you.

Yesterday was a hard for my husband, we had lunch went swimming dinner but no matter what we did it's was a day of pain for him

He remained wonderful and it didn't seem to even be difficult for him I could just literally see his pain all day made me feel guilty for enjoying the our time together. I kept reasuring him

and would just give him a kiss and hug knowing he didn't want to talk at those moments

He left wasn't going to stay but he came back I guess he just needed time to himself to sort out his thoughts and then he came back to me

we had our hour talk and then some wonderful alone time!!!!

So is it wrong of me to be happy just be near him when I know he isn't enjoying the time because he is hurting? I feel horrible and the same time I can hardly contain the excitement to be near him for him to hold my hand

to put his hand on the small of my back leading me in to a door way him telling me how bueitful I am, then I see his pain then I feel guilty.

Do I have the right to be hurt mad sad self congious about things we discuss he has done since he has been here

I feel these things and honest with him about these feelings but struggle with feel like I don't have that right. I feel like how dare I question what he has done I drove him to it

how dare I feel hurt or sad about things in comparision I say to myself REALLY you selfish inconsiderate monster

my pain isn't anywhere on the same planet as his

talk about needing a hug me jacket and padded walls on trying to figure that all out........................

(((Hugs)))

I am happy for you, Strike and your kids. You made the right decision:)

No advice, just good luck:D

Rocky,
Just be honest and firm with your intent and your responsibility to fix what needs to happen, be loving in a secure kind of way, he loves you being home and reconnecting it is just going to take a little time for him to feel safe, enjoy the moments that's what I did, kept me going with my plan to recover when I was having doubts or I was hurting........
all you can be is honest and this is your chance to make things right and say all that you wanted to say ........
someone has to lead you guys back to being happy........when he can't you take over .................be gentle and loving.......
I am praying for you two.........
jessi

Rock this is all so wonderful to hear.

You were an inconsiderate monster, but not any more.

Your feelings show concern for him, empathy with him - the exact opposite of being wayward. Welcome into the light.

You are happy because you have stopped hurting him and want to heal him and yourself, so of course that's not wrong.

Rocky,

Be patient. Continue to comfort, reassure, express your love, but do NOT tell him how much pain YOU are in. He doesn't want to hear it. Your job is to comfort him so he can get through HIS pain. It may take a good long while, so stick with it. Do not get impatient or exasperated with him.

It's fine to be happy and to express that happiness. He needs your smiles so that eventually he can smile again himself.

Rocky,

When we began talking, I told you how to heal your pain.

It goes away when you heal HIS.

Begin by meeting HIS NEEDS.

You will see your pain begin to melt as you meet his needs.

With each act you complete, more of your pain will fade. I swear.

1. Write up your extraordinary precautions.
2. Do the Emotional Needs Questionnaires.

That will give you something to do. As you begin doing the work that it will take to get your marriage and yourself back on track, you will see this come back

and you will see your pain fading.

I promise.

go to work meeting his needs
and working the plan

SB

I have lost my husband forever he says good bye today

what plan do I have for that................?????????????

Oh dear god what do I do!!!!!!!!!!!!!

somethings said and done in life are just unforgivable is all I keep replaying in my head I don't blame him guess I have known all along this was my reality

I want to thank all of you for all that you have done to help save my marriage I wish along with many you could have gotten to see the wife I was before

My husband will still need all of you and your help he has come along way and is still truly one of a kind

I miss all that we had I miss what we were suppose to be he was born to be a dad I am going to give our babies to him so he can help them through what all I have done and so I can't hurt anyone any more

This intire day I have drove around even drove bye our old house many times searching for the answers why god why have I done these things. my husband deserves the best in life and he has made the desicsion to walk away rightfully so

all I can do now is give him our sweet angels and everything else we have

what does this mean for me well one who cares two I sit and think I have nothing life is what you make it well I have made mine nothing litteraly

I have hurt the most important people in my life to the point of no return unforgiveable!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My son today had such a hard day all he wanted was his daddy I had to tell him it was my fault daddy was gone again told him I was sorry but I looked at his face everytime a car drove bye and he jumped up to look out the window yelling daddy and seein his face when he said darn nope

I did this so need to contiue no need feeling sorry right should have thought about that before hand etc etc my reality unbarable as I have made that my husband and little angels reality as well

again I truly thank all of you and plead that you contiue to help my loving husband!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

again thank you all

Rocky - don't give up yet. Strike is riding one helluva rollercoaster of emotions, just like you. I have one suggestion - try to meet him one-on-one, no kids, AND TELL HIM EVERYTHING or at least offer to do that. Then, if he agrees, no half-truths, no trying to spare his feelings, etc. TELL HIM EVERYTHING to the best of your ability, complete and utter disclosure.

That's my advice to you - after all, what have you got to lose?

Andy's right, Rocky - what do you have to lose?

It's your actions Strike is watching. He hears the words you say, but he can't believe them.

I know what it's like to search for answers, to wonder why and how you could have done the things you did. I never thought I was capable of doing the things I did, either. The explanation is really pretty simple, at least it is for me. That part is easy to figure out. A's are textbook. You know this already.

We can't change what has happened. As my H's aunt told us early on, there are do-overs in Hollywood, but not in real life.

Rocky, all you can do is demonstrate your remorse and repentance to Strike. Show him that you are changing. Yes, he deserves to be a father, but you deserve to be a mother also. The children need you both. You can't just abandon them and run away again. If nothing else, you need to stay right where you are at and be the best mother you can be. That's something that no other woman can compete with, and family committment is something you can easily demonstrate to Strike.

Last week my H said some things that pretty much convinced me that he's done. I'm a lot further down the road than you, it's been nearly a year now since finding MB and working the plan. I don't always get it right, but it's the only plan that makes sense to me, and it gives me hope. There truly may be no hope for my sitch, but at least I feel like I've given it an honest effort. Yes, you picked up and moved to be with Strike, but can you truly say you've given it all you've got?

None of us can answer that question for you. Actions, Rocky. Actions. #1, don't let Strike believe you are ready to run away again, ok?

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

I have hurt the most important people in my life to the point of no return unforgiveable!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rocky why did Strike say goodbye today? Is it really because he believes that you are still lying to him?

Trickle truth is NOT acceptable. SO STOP IT. Continuing to lie is what is unforgiveable.

People can forgive almost anything if someone is honest and remorseful. Forgiveness has to be EARNED and it is a process over time... earned through actions.

Rocky,

The emotional rollercoaster you are on

is the same one your husband is on.

The problem is that when your husband goes up, sometimes you do not, and sometimes whe you go up, he might go down, etc.

The two of you need to figure out that ONE of you must stay steady when the other one is being pulled up or down.

YOU are the wayward. YOU have to pull yourself together and stop being a drama queen.

You must gather your emotional self together, get strong, and stop running out the door every time Strike2 has a moment of weakness. When he says he is through trying, you can tell him, "Okay, I will accept that for the moment you are tired of trying. I will stand strong for you now, and we can take a few days so you can recover quietly. Let me know when you are ready to talk again, and I will wait for you."

AND DO NOT ADD TO THE DRAMA, AND DO NOT ADD TO THE ROLLERCOASTER RIDE.

He doesn't need it, you don't need it, and your children do not need it.

Sometimes, the drama just needs to stop. That time - is now.

Your "all or nothing" attitude is killing things. You seem to throw it all away every time there is a little bump in the road, or when S2 has a rough day.

That does not work. You need to fully accept that there will be MANY ROUGH DAYS for him.

Many. And you need to put on your big girl panties and deal with that.

This is not your pity party to have. This is your mess to clean up. Clean it up.

SB

What SB says

Don't write about the drama. Tell us what really happened and why Strike is leaving. People just don't leave on their own.

WHAT REALLY WENT ON? Cut to the chase Rocky.

Ditto, what mess is it that needs to be cleaned up? Then we can help and tell you what to do....

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

I have lost my husband forever he says good bye today

what plan do I have for that................?????????????

Oh dear god what do I do!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is why I've asked both him and you....

WHAT IS YOUR PLAN

Where there are no plans there is no hope....

Flying by the seat of your pants is NOT a plan.

You both must have plans because there will be horrible days during recovery, and if you have no plan to get through them you will both quit and restart again and again.

BTW, Where is your NC letter?
Hedging?

Ahhhhh...I know now what went on.

Rocky are you willing to be 100 percent TRANSPARENT to your H? You're gonna have to be transparent in everything you do, say, and in your actions and in your email, voicemail, and snail mail.

Are you hearing me? Do you want your marriage and family or do you want to live life as a tramp does???

Rocky, you aren't allowed to give up this easily. You need to help heal this wound. Even if your BH decides that he doesn't want to attempt marital recovery with you, you owe it to him to become a repentant and former wayward. You owe it to your children, and to yourself.

How are you gonna do that? Well, it won't be by giving up. And how serious is Strike going to take you if you give up this quickly?

Rocky,

Lets get something in the air here; you have amassed a collection of mental and emotional injuries on your husband, and now you are trying to get close to him again.

He ain't gonna be totally happy about it, and it ain't gonna be easy. He is going to keep you at arms length, push you away, and he may even try to run.

Early on, I tried to run. I told FWW ; I think I need to leave for a while, figure this out... Date maybe?"

Her response; "You wanna date? Go ahead. But you WILL NOT leave this home."

Angry and injured as I was, that was NOT a scenario I could live with.

You have to FIGHT, Rocky. Stand firm, stand in the fire that YOU lit, face the pain YOU created. Otherwise he will push you out. PROVE you want to be there, that you want him and only him.

This cannot be done by whimpering and shrinking from difficulties.

Ah I was reading all the responses to Rockys new dilemma , and wondering what happened exactly, so I went back to read what she said

Then I read SBs post., on the way to the end, and it rang true, as I saw it before, to be just what she needed

Oh yeah, like I said before, what SB said, but also rocky, remember the clock is ticking , to that point where you will be alone, where these propl can't help your marrige and having a fit and falling in it won't help you then
Silence and get back on the horse, woman, the barns on fire. Stop being afraid and over reacting, get over yourself, and think about your words and what they mean.

I apologize if on fact you are this dramatic and emotional in real life, and tended to want to end your life over burning toast. I am starting to believe you are not real, or giving your children to S2 might be the best for them, because you are just mentally and emotionally unstable. The kids need at least someone who can ACT like an adult

You won't even do that ACT, when the best playwrights are here directing you.
When you come back crying that fervently about giving up your kids, you are not worth it, all that tripe I think you must have spent some time chained under the house

Maybe you should give the children to strike and go check into a hospital, but don't think they will help you, the real help comes from within, and they can only show you the door, you must walk through it

Good luck in your play, Praying for you

Was it something I said?

Seriuosly, I think you need the center, and to follow DrHs advice explictly.

You can be the kind of person you are proud of Rocky, please try with professionals, for you and your childrens sake, no mstter what happens with strike, you are worth it.

Any updates????

Update

we have moved in to the same house a new house I stay home full time

everyday is exteremly difficult my husband hurts everyday all day long................

I spend my intire day trying to reasure him focusing on his needs but feel like I am failing.

What I have done to my husband and family because of me it's all of our realitys everyday 24hrs a day everything we do there it is.

My hudsband hurts when he wakes up in the morning all day long when I tell him I miss him love him he hurts when he gets home it's the first thing you see on his face

he trys to speed time with me doing things but even when he is trying hard to put on a front his face tells all he doesnt sleep

he doesn't eat much doesn't want to do much and I who caused it can not take it all away for him but everyday is a new day of pain that I keep trying all that I can to atleast deminish I fail and keep trying all day and start all over again everyday

The suggestion has been we talk atleast one hour a day about the affair and what all effects it has had but that's basiclly all we talk about the effects of what I have said and done

is that we talk live breath 24/7.

Who suggested talking about the affair an hour a day? That's not the usual MB practice or advice. You should definitely answer his questions, but at some point, you two need to engage in enjoyable conversations about mutually agreeable topics. Focusing on the mistakes of the past is an enemy of good conversation.

Our D-Day was just before Thanksgiving last year, and it took a long while to learn to live with the fact that my husband caused me so much pain. He has been very remorseful and has worked very hard to meet my emotional needs and get on board with MB concepts.

The genders are switched, and I'm sure that will make a difference, but please try to have fun with your husband during those precious UA hours you two share. Enjoy your time together. Tell him you are sorry, tell him the truth when he asks for it, and then focus on meeting his emotional needs. SF might be difficult for him for a while, but do your best to still touch him and hold him. Tell him you love him and are in love with him. We go over the EPs every month and my FWH is completely in agreement with these.

Recovery is hard work and it takes a minimum of two to five years. Time is against you right now, but eventually it will be in your favor...when the affair is long behind you, and if the marriage is better than it was pre-A....Just Compensation....

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

Update

we have moved in to the same house a new house I stay home full time

everyday is exteremly difficult my husband hurts everyday all day long................

I spend my intire day trying to reasure him focusing on his needs but feel like I am failing.

What I have done to my husband and family because of me it's all of our realitys everyday 24hrs a day everything we do there it is.

My hudsband hurts when he wakes up in the morning all day long when I tell him I miss him love him he hurts when he gets home it's the first thing you see on his face

he trys to speed time with me doing things but even when he is trying hard to put on a front his face tells all he doesnt sleep

he doesn't eat much doesn't want to do much and I who caused it can not take it all away for him but everyday is a new day of pain that I keep trying all that I can to atleast deminish I fail and keep trying all day and start all over again everyday

The suggestion has been we talk atleast one hour a day about the affair and what all effects it has had but that's basiclly all we talk about the effects of what I have said and done

is that we talk live breath 24/7.

This is the birth pangs of recovery. Hold him. love him, comfort him. The separation has not allowed him to move past dday in a lot of ways. As you work at being what you weren't for him, it will *slowly* lessen. Don't push recovery faster than he can handle. Dont push it at all. I suggest you buy a notebook. 5 subjects...

In the notebook you should journal on certain subjects (about you, not you and him or him specifically): Write in it as if he will not read it, but make it available to him. Journal on these subjects:

1) Lying: When it started, what patterns you have developed, what you are doing to stop it. Lying is a key factor in affairs and it was a habit you developed that may be coming through in your day to day speech without you realizing it.

2) Anger: Why you were angry, what were the motivators, what safeguards you can put in place to avoid holding this in. This is really part of openness and honesty. Many waywards are angry and don't express it because they are afraid to hurt their BSs. What are you angry at? Yourself? The OM? express it here. Holding anger in builds resentment and stifles growth. Write about why you were angry in the affair too. Remember the real answer and the right answer may not always be the same. Give the real answer always.

3) depression (yours): Are you sad? Why? are you adequately expressing this to S2? Him helping you through your own depression (Dr H says most waywards are depressed because of the A's)gives S2 a sense of being needed and useful and wanted. Putting it on paper helps you be strong yourself. Depression is often diffused once it is expressed (except in cases of chemical/Chronic depression. Are there adequate things you are doing to overcome this (not suppress it, overcome it)... Exercise, healthy speech and thought, etc...

4) restitution: Talk with S2 and see what he requires. He may not know and it is dependent on him to decide what adequate restitution is largely... Form a plan and journal on it. Keep a log of your plans. As you both read it, there is reassurance that things are moving forward.

5) Miscellaneous thoughts: Use this for your other rambling thoughts and ideas. There may be other things you find you want to journal about. General thoughts and feelings and ideas...

The journal presents to your H openness and honesty. It shows him you are working and care. It also allows both of you to reach benchmarks. You can look back and say "Did we really come this far?". Trust me, it works...

CV

Rocky,

I hear the same things we went through in the beginning it is all part of the process keep that in mind, it takes a little bit of positive time together to you both to feel safe, I am the BS and I was like your husband hurting beyond belief, finding it hard to even comprehend that it had even happened......going against all my beliefs and going forward with forgiveness was an inner struggle........
BS's try to make sense of what has happened to their lives and try to come up with a reason that seems like it could be enough for all the pain they are feeling.......
I went around and around for a while, my husband just kept holding me, kept telling me he was sorry and that it was a mistake he wished he could take back and that all his selfishness was not worth what he had done to me and our marriage.......over and over again for months, never waivered. He just kept saying I will live through whatever I have to I put you in this place and it's up to me to show you now that you are my life, and that he was grateful for the chance to make things up to me.........
He called me during the day.......just to ask if I was okay or if there was anything he could do.........
he held me when I cried.......he understood when I was angry, he cooked for me, he walked with me just to get me out of the house, he never went anywhere without me......
he left his phone with me or turned it off......he tried to do whatever he could to put an end to the triggers and if they happened he would just console me through them............
being in the same house is your best chance, try to make it a safe place for him to land, a safe and loving place for you two to be.......laugh a little, go out a little, drives, small stuff.......hug each other hello and good bye, good morning and good night......
do little things for him that he will notice....favorite food, snack....drink. little notes.......
It may seem like a bit of work right now but soon he will respond as well and the joy you will feel then will be incredible, my husband now says his best joy is to see me smile or laugh..........
that didn't happen for a long time.........now it does again.......
we don't live and breathe it all day any longer.......what we do live and breathe now all day is each other and that is wonderful......you two will get there but it starts with you.........be that woman ........make the mistake you made have an outcome that you never expected it could have.........a happy ending....for your family..........be the driver of the bus, carry the two of you right now until he is strong enough..........
I couldn't be more proud of you, I know how strong you must be.........
jessi
It is a long process

Rocky, here's a bit of what I posted on Strike's thread:

Originally Posted by WPG

You don't sweep it under the rug - but yes, Dr. H has said that the A is an "enemy of good conversation." The kicker is that you don't bring it up once all your questions have been answered. Sounds like all your questions haven't been answered yet. It also doesn't mean that you never stop having questions.

A couple of suggestions that may help - I think someone may have posted on yours or Rocky's thread about a journal (another poster has suggested it to me as well, and I really like the concept, although no one to read my journal at this point!). I know it's not right, but Rocky is fearful of telling the truth - and I'm not just talking about the A, but I'm talking about the day-to-day. I'm to the point where some days I am afraid to say "thank you" to my H b/c I don't know what response I will get - I don't know if that makes sense - it's that I simply have no idea what/how will trigger an AO/DJ. When he and I were working on the M, we often emailed back and forth. I can't speak for him, but for me, it was helpful to take time and get my thoughts in order rather than respond "in the heat of the moment," spurred by emotions, which we know we shouldn't rely on our emotions/feelings to guide our actions. The point of the journal is that if you have a question about the A that you'd like Rocky to answer, you can write it down and leave it for her to write her response. Hopefully, this will enable you to spend your UA time together then concentrating on meeting each others' ENs rather than dwell on the A.

The other option would be to schedule those conversations about the A, and place a time limit on them, say, Wednesday evening from 8 pm to 9 pm or some such. The one thing you want to avoid is spending your UA time dwelling on the A, but you still - rightly so - have questions that you need answered.

I hope he didn't take that as you guys spending an hour a day discussing the A. The goal should be to try and schedule your discussions and limit them, so that you can spend your UA time rebuilding the feelings of love between you, b/c 51 is right, the A is an enemy of good conversation. Endless discussions are going to lovebust BOTH of you.

He's going to have questions that you will need to address. Lots of folks have chimed in and given him some advice on how to deal with questions. Personally, I really like the journal option. Now, I haven't had a chance to really use it in practice, but the concept is great. It would allow you some time to make sure you respond completely to his questions, making sure you don't leave out a detail Strike needs.

That said, if you two go the journal route, make sure you are answering things in the way Strike needs. In other words, don't do what I did and give my H my feelings when he really wanted details and factual information - dates, places, times, etc. This is a broad generalization, but I think many times as women we focus on the emotional aspects of things while men focus more on the details. That doesn't ring true in every case, of course, but it's something to consider.

Stay the course...It is hard, no doubt, and especially when we know that we were the architects of our own destruction. We also, as former waywards, need to heal too, and ideally that is something that our BH's will eventually be able to help with, and that will (hopefully) come in time as they themselves heal. We have to put ourselves on the back burner and do what we can to minister to the hurts that we inflicted. Reciprocal need-meeting, release of expectations on your part, and enjoyable UA time together will help the process.

Rocky, this is now to stay strong and focused.

What you need to do is to make sure OM will have no loopholes to contact you ever again AND show you are serious about making it up to your H. This needs a proper plan.

NC letter - have you sent it? OMW - is she been informed about what was going on? Changing phone numbers, deleting all social network accounts, blocking OM from all of them. What is the status of all that?
Giving information about where you are with whom daily to you H, giving all access to all of your e-mail, bank accounts to your H; putting down your EPs list and showing it to your H, allowing him to feel free to add anything. How about these?
Learning about POJA and practising it.
Meeting his ENs and avoiding LBs at all cost. Have you done those questionnaires yet? Even if he won't meet yours at the moment - this is not your time right now. You need to stay put and do your best of meeting his and take care of him at the best of your abilities. Be supportive and listen to him.
BTW, HNHN and LB books are good to acquire in 2 copies - read it together and discuss it chapter by chapter - one evening one chapter or whatever arrangement suits you both.

So, there's plenty you can do to ease his pain every day. Affair talk - be willing to talk whenever he is ready to talk, answer everything honestly, don't lie and ask him to take notes when he needs to recheck anything in the future.

Originally Posted by Mrs_Recon6mo

Rocky, this is now to stay strong and focused.

What you need to do is to make sure OM will have no loopholes to contact you ever again AND show you are serious about making it up to your H. This needs a proper plan.

NC letter - have you sent it? OMW - is she been informed about what was going on? Changing phone numbers, deleting all social network accounts, blocking OM from all of them. What is the status of all that?
Giving information about where you are with whom daily to you H, giving all access to all of your e-mail, bank accounts to your H; putting down your EPs list and showing it to your H, allowing him to feel free to add anything. How about these?
Learning about POJA and practising it.
Meeting his ENs and avoiding LBs at all cost. Have you done those questionnaires yet? Even if he won't meet yours at the moment - this is not your time right now. You need to stay put and do your best of meeting his and take care of him at the best of your abilities. Be supportive and listen to him.
BTW, HNHN and LB books are good to acquire in 2 copies - read it together and discuss it chapter by chapter - one evening one chapter or whatever arrangement suits you both.

So, there's plenty you can do to ease his pain every day. Affair talk - be willing to talk whenever he is ready to talk, answer everything honestly, don't lie and ask him to take notes when he needs to recheck anything in the future.

I gave the NC letter to my husband I have deleted face book email and changed my phone number which my mother and husband is the only one that has it I talk to no one I go no where do nothing unless it's with my husband or taking the
kids to the dr or something like that. I keep my husband updated daily with what I am doing which is normally laudery cleaning playing and taking care of the boys

I am currently reading surving an afair almost done with it.

we have went over the ep and en but feel like we need to go over them again and maybe again

Originally Posted by celticvoyager

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

Update

we have moved in to the same house a new house I stay home full time

everyday is exteremly difficult my husband hurts everyday all day long................

I spend my intire day trying to reasure him focusing on his needs but feel like I am failing.

What I have done to my husband and family because of me it's all of our realitys everyday 24hrs a day everything we do there it is.

My hudsband hurts when he wakes up in the morning all day long when I tell him I miss him love him he hurts when he gets home it's the first thing you see on his face

he trys to speed time with me doing things but even when he is trying hard to put on a front his face tells all he doesnt sleep

he doesn't eat much doesn't want to do much and I who caused it can not take it all away for him but everyday is a new day of pain that I keep trying all that I can to atleast deminish I fail and keep trying all day and start all over again everyday

The suggestion has been we talk atleast one hour a day about the affair and what all effects it has had but that's basiclly all we talk about the effects of what I have said and done

is that we talk live breath 24/7.

This is the birth pangs of recovery. Hold him. love him, comfort him. The separation has not allowed him to move past dday in a lot of ways. As you work at being what you weren't for him, it will *slowly* lessen. Don't push recovery faster than he can handle. Dont push it at all. I suggest you buy a notebook. 5 subjects...

In the notebook you should journal on certain subjects (about you, not you and him or him specifically): Write in it as if he will not read it, but make it available to him. Journal on these subjects:

1) Lying: When it started, what patterns you have developed, what you are doing to stop it. Lying is a key factor in affairs and it was a habit you developed that may be coming through in your day to day speech without you realizing it.

2) Anger: Why you were angry, what were the motivators, what safeguards you can put in place to avoid holding this in. This is really part of openness and honesty. Many waywards are angry and don't express it because they are afraid to hurt their BSs. What are you angry at? Yourself? The OM? express it here. Holding anger in builds resentment and stifles growth. Write about why you were angry in the affair too. Remember the real answer and the right answer may not always be the same. Give the real answer always.

3) depression (yours): Are you sad? Why? are you adequately expressing this to S2? Him helping you through your own depression (Dr H says most waywards are depressed because of the A's)gives S2 a sense of being needed and useful and wanted. Putting it on paper helps you be strong yourself. Depression is often diffused once it is expressed (except in cases of chemical/Chronic depression. Are there adequate things you are doing to overcome this (not suppress it, overcome it)... Exercise, healthy speech and thought, etc...

4) restitution: Talk with S2 and see what he requires. He may not know and it is dependent on him to decide what adequate restitution is largely... Form a plan and journal on it. Keep a log of your plans. As you both read it, there is reassurance that things are moving forward.

5) Miscellaneous thoughts: Use this for your other rambling thoughts and ideas. There may be other things you find you want to journal about. General thoughts and feelings and ideas...

The journal presents to your H openness and honesty. It shows him you are working and care. It also allows both of you to reach benchmarks. You can look back and say "Did we really come this far?". Trust me, it works...

CV

I like this idea scary but I think it may help I get quiet when we talk because watching his pain increase as we talk is unbarrible and I get so mad at my self that the conversation normally goes south quick

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

Originally Posted by celticvoyager

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

Update

This is the birth pangs of recovery. Hold him. love him, comfort him. The separation has not allowed him to move past dday in a lot of ways. As you work at being what you weren't for him, it will *slowly* lessen. Don't push recovery faster than he can handle. Dont push it at all. I suggest you buy a notebook. 5 subjects...

The journal presents to your H openness and honesty. It shows him you are working and care. It also allows both of you to reach benchmarks. You can look back and say "Did we really come this far?". Trust me, it works...

CV

I like this idea scary but I think it may help I get quiet when we talk because watching his pain increase as we talk is unbarrible and I get so mad at my self that the conversation normally goes south quick

It has really worked for us. There were a few bumps, but it was constant progress overall. Now W is addicted and goes into withdraw when she doesn't get to journal. This will also help to spark better conversations with you two because you are "working off of something" instead of random talking. It helps focus the course of the conversations and you both know what is going to be talked about (mostly).

Cv

You two can't do this alone. Give the coaching center a call and get some help. You both are struggling when there is no need to. You need a PLAN for recovery. Get them to help you with that plan.

Good advice and revelation about time

I also agree that you probably should set aside time to talk about this heavy subjet, but after that make time enjoyable, while staying transparent

If time comes he has questions, be ready to answer them, but as tome passes he should be able to handle writing them down, and/or waiting till an appropriate pre determined time to bring them up

If you see his pain, I'm sorry, but this is part of the process, as you get better this will pass, and you will be restored

Just make sure you do all of what is required to make it even better

Thanks for the update

Rocky,

I suggest you two set a timer, and talk about the affair for NO LONGER than 30 minutes per day. Period. When the timer dings, talk is DONE when it comes to affair-talk.

Strike2 can write his questions down, and you can answer the questions. He adds new questions in where he thinks they should go. When you have answered them to HIS satisfaction, HE checks them off as "done". It should be limited to no more than three questions per day, if they are "done" within the 30 minutes. This keeps stuff from going on and on and on and on and ....... AND, if you don't finish, the next day, you pick up where you left off. NO MARATHONS.

Rules are that you answer honestly. Completely. Truthfully.

He LISTENS to the answer until you are done. He cannot speak until you have stopped talking at least 15 seconds.

You LISTEN to any comments he has until he is done. You cannot speak until he has stopped talking at least 15 seconds.

You both MUST COUNT OUT THE 15 SECONDS IN YOUR HEADS BEFORE YOU BEGIN YOUR TURN TO TALK. While this sounds stupid right now, there is a reason for it. Trust me and follow the rule.

No DJs, No AOs.

Sit together, hold hands.

This is NOT a confrontation. It is a LOVING, CALM, and honest time together to allow your husband to know the truth of HIS LIFE, and for you to offer information so he can understand what happened.

All questions are FAIR.

After the 30 minutes are over, they are over. Get up, talk to the kids, and begin a conversation about the NEXT DAY'S PLANS - school, dinner, sports, TV, anything else. This is the RULE.

After you two practice having CALM discussions for a minimum of two weeks, with NOBODY walking out, having a drama queen fit, lying, calling names, raising voices, etc., then perhaps you two can POJA the idea of moving it to 40 minutes.

Maybe 40 minutes. I personally do not recommend this, but maybe.

Follow the rules. Do this. It will work, and it will help you recover.

It will help you both help each other get through the hard part of talking about the affair.

SB

Was just thinking about you and Strike this weekend. Hope you guys are out enjoying the FL sun and spending time as a family again. Let us know how you're doing.

We are trying to get the new house in order. I am adjusting to the change from a very challenging high pace career to a stay at home mom.

My husband and I spend as much time together as we can, we do spend a lot of faimly time together. A lot of lows through out the day and we struggle with communication. We are working on it every day

Every day is hard but I keep trying.........

Great to hear from you

Good to hear from you.

We just moved, too, and are trying to put things in order. It's fun in a way, but I just want things done, too.

Glad y'all are doing well.

There is tones to be done but I take baby steps everyday emotions kida dictate how productive I have been in a day.

My husband and I struggle everyday to work through his pain and the consitent lows.

I for the most part feel like I am failing everyday but I wake up every morning and try try again.

Hang in there. Just the fact that you are settling in is a good sign. Trying is not failing. Try to keep that perspective. It IS hard work.

Rocky,

I have talked in the past about where you need to focus.

Have you two taken the time to sit down and do the Emotional Needs Questionnaires? If not, do it, and then exchange the results and talk about them.

This process is worth the time. It really helps you both to look at what kinds of emotional needs you have, what your spouse has, and exactly where you are each doing a great job of meeting needs, and where you can boost your efforts.

Also, it helps you to better understand what needs your spouse sees as the most important to HIM - because it is possible that you "think" you are meeting his needs in the best way, and it might turn out that his needs are different than what you thought.

Also, you might be doing a terrific job, and you are wasting time beating yourself up!

After you do the ENQ, the next thing you can do

is to work and focus on meeting those needs FOR HIM.

As I have said before, once you begin to really focus on his needs, and begin to meet them, you will start to feel much better about yourself as a person,

as well as about your future as a couple.

And HE will begin to climb out of the hole.

Do this. Work the MB Plan.

It takes a few minutes to do. Well worth the time.

SB

Originally Posted by schoolbus

Rocky,

I have talked in the past about where you need to focus.

Have you two taken the time to sit down and do the Emotional Needs Questionnaires? If not, do it, and then exchange the results and talk about them.

yes we have done this together! We had talked about them my focus everyday is to meet his needs but I feel like I fail at this daily.

This process is worth the time. It really helps you both to look at what kinds of emotional needs you have, what your spouse has, and exactly where you are each doing a great job of meeting needs, and where you can boost your efforts.

Also, it helps you to better understand what needs your spouse sees as the most important to HIM - because it is possible that you "think" you are meeting his needs in the best way, and it might turn out that his needs are different than what you thought.

Also, you might be doing a terrific job, and you are wasting time beating yourself up!

After you do the ENQ, the next thing you can do

is to work and focus on meeting those needs FOR HIM.

As I have said before, once you begin to really focus on his needs, and begin to meet them, you will start to feel much better about yourself as a person,

as well as about your future as a couple.

And HE will begin to climb out of the hole.

Do this. Work the MB Plan.

It takes a few minutes to do. Well worth the time.

SB

How are you Rock?

How goes the recovery?

Glad you are sticking with this Rocky

I know, where else would we go?

I take one second at a time

majority of the time is very difficult he is in lows more than not everything is a trigger well mainly me....

We went on a date Monday night which was wonderful:) we went to the park and pool with our boys over the weekend

sunday was a dificult day for my husband we struggled all that day today is a hard day as well

I like this Rock, your focus is on him, you are prepared to tough it out 'one second at a time' and it gets the payoffs, like the date.. wonderful.

Come here if you need support, 'kay?

Rocky,
Hang in there, just keep saying I will never let you down again........
As time passes things will get better, rebuilding takes time.........
jessi

Originally Posted by jessitaylor

Rocky,
Hang in there, just keep saying I will never let you down again........
As time passes things will get better, rebuilding takes time.........
jessi

Nice post Jessi

Yes Rocky, if he asks you why?. You say because I will never do that to myself either.

We know you realise you let yourself down also, and first as a matter of fact, in order to go such a wayward way...

You will find strength in knowing you now love yourelf, and have will continue to by having good boundaries, instead of good rationalizations and excuses.

Taking responsibility for yourself and stating that you are now will help Him heal. Men need to know they are not just enough, but more than enough for thier wives to take care of themselves.

So part, of the answer, is that you learn to love yourself, watch yourself, and guard your heart. Those things do not happen without looking up to a higher authority of Love, and subbmitting to it.

We all need help every day, but the right thought habits still have to be learned and practiced.

Can you think of anything better to do with your life?

Trust in the plan, good feelings follow good actions, and trust in the Man upstairs

Glad you are working at recovery.

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

I take one second at a time

majority of the time is very difficult he is in lows more than not everything is a trigger well mainly me....

We went on a date Monday night which was wonderful:) we went to the park and pool with our boys over the weekend

sunday was a dificult day for my husband we struggled all that day today is a hard day as well

What are you doing to help him when he triggers? Please be very detailed and specific, that way we may be able to give suggestions that can help both of you.

Rocky,

How are you guys doing?

still majority of the time is low with a few good moments

majority of the time is low

Low...quiet? Low...weepy? Low...angry?

Yep, all of those will cycle many times as you and S2 decide on the substance and form of your new marriage. And be assured, it will be a new marriage, with new understandings, new expectations, and new accomodations.

a few good moments

The goal is move the indicators of "good moments" in a set period from "rare", to "few", to "some", to "occasional", to "frequent", to "ongoing", to "continuous".

Work the program, maximise the UA time, and enjoy the opportunity.

quiet yes he lives on this website
angry yes he always has been it's just part of who he is
as long as I have known him he has been mad about something

Ofcourse always my fault though I have done said didnt do didnt say to cause him to be mad

weepy not that I see

he says I just need to do a better job so guess I gotta try harder

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

quiet yes he lives on this website
angry yes he always has been it's just part of who he is
as long as I have known him he has been mad about something

Ofcourse always my fault though I have done said didnt do didnt say to cause him to be mad

weepy not that I see

he says I just need to do a better job so guess I gotta try harder

Rocky,

Do you have Lovebusters from Dr. Harley? I encourage you to read that book. We cannot change the other person; we can only change ourselves?

The above quoted are disrespectful judgments. My thought is to try and turn them around to see if you can better handle the situation. The thinking is dangerous to your marriage.

Instead of saying, "angry yes he always has been it's just part of who he is
as long as I have known him he has been mad about something ..."

May I suggest a change in thoughts?

My husband is still very angry. AO's are what drained my love bank prior to my adultery. I am struggling to get him to realize this is draining me again. How can I get him to stop the AO's. I know it says, "Just stop it!" In our situation it isn't happening.

Now we posters can help you solve this issue. My suggestion if you are feeling his anger is to see if he can journal the anger, and the thoughts he is having at the moment. Then pick a time and place to discuss what he wrote. That way if there are things you are doing that trigger his anger, then you can POJA how to resolve. This gives him a safe place to speak the truth to you, and it allows you to hear his honesty without your own AO's/DJ's.

Does this seem like an option?

We can work with Strike to really understand how he needs to change the AO's, or your marriage is likely not going to be saved. Can you ask him to post here about the AO's?

Rocky,

I asked your H to have you give this one last try. I am hoping we can give you some real help and hope.

Can I ask what plan you are working towards recovery?

This is an endurance race, where the winner is the one who perseveres. What you are going through is *normal for recovery*. We all went through it from one side or the other.

You have some unique and difficult challenges ahead of you. Divorce will certainly make life worse for both of you and your family.

You have the unique and difficult challenge of helping your H heal from the damage you have caused. This should be your life's work, your vocation, your calling in life.

It is difficult because you are both the one who injured and the one who is helping to heal, but with determined effort, you can do this. Focus on the UA time. Make it something great. picnics, walks in the park.

This stuff doesn't happen automatically. You are working to shift Strike's focus off of himself and on the M.

This will require careful planning... Maybe even scripting your events for a while. You are in the "proving phase", where you are going to have to give up more sleep than you thought possible, more affection than you think you might have. You will have to truly die to yourself so that Strike can live.

Comfort is not an option in recovery. Give him the chance and let him heal. No DJ's, no AO's even if you feel he deserves them.

What do you say? can you list the plan? Want to keep trying?

CV

Rocky, I've been reading your thread and Strike's thread from the beginning, and I'm really pulling for you. Strike has been seeming very discouraged on his thread, and I just wanted to come on here and offer you a bit of encouragement.

I know that broken and I haven't recovered our M, and as days pass and our separation continues, it's doubtful that it will ever happen, but I am determined that it won't be because I gave up on him. Yes, he (or any other BS) could say - and broken HAS said to me - "you gave up on me the second you gave yourself to OM". Hard to argue with that, isn't it? But ask yourself these questions:

What is a good M worth? What is your M worth? What is it worth to you to fight to win and keep the heart of a good man? What is it worth to you to be a whole, intact family, with you, Strike, and the boys under one roof?

You came back across the country for him, so I think you have already answered them.

Strike says he has had problems with AO's. Anger is completely normal and to be expected. You can't control his AO's, but you can control how you respond. If Strike can commit to control his AO's, and you can commit to staying, you have a fighting chance at this.

And trust me, I know that being on the receiving end of AO's hurts. I know it hurts to sit there and look at the state of your M and feel miserable, and to only have yourself to blame. But the hurt you feel is nothing compared to the pain and the betrayal that Strike feels. Reminding yourself of that can help you to control your actions toward Strike and your reactions to Strike.

Rocky, one of the difficult parts of trying to recover for the WS is to let go of any expectations. It's hard to keep the Giver in the forefront constantly, and make our Takers shut up. If the M recovers, then that dynamic won't last forever. If the M recovers, you will have a mutually satisfying relationship where both yours and Strike's ENs are met, and both your Givers and your Takers will be happy.

I know it gets discouraging. Been there. Still go there. You have this place to come to when you get discouraged, and the folks here will pick you back up and give you a push in the right direction. They have done that for me, many times over. You'll quickly notice that here is probably the only place you'll find support for recovering your M. The "real world" doesn't get it...friends, family, therapists, often they are looking out for you, and what they believe are your best interests - i.e., they see you sad and miserable and think that the "easy fix" is to walk away from your M. Popular culture/media tends to support the "disposable" M as well. "Follow your heart!" talk show hosts advise us, which is a sure-fire recipe for leaving devastation in your wake.

No - Rocky, LEAD YOUR HEART. Lead your heart to what you know is right, honorable, and good. Over and over on my thread I heard, "Time and patience." Let that be your mantra. Come here when you need encouragement to keep fighting for your M.

Hi Rocky,

I just want to offer my support too. It cannot be easy, but I thought moving across the country to save your marriage showed what you are made of.

Is it worth getting MB counselling or an online marriage coach? It could be easier with someone to show the way......

Rocky, I have been following your thread to see how you are doing.

Please do not get overwhelmed, and come here to talk, because it might help you get definition.

Its not over yet, and you are winning the fight, because you are staying in it. Remember that and I am so glad you made the move.

God will bless you if you stick to the plan. Regaurdless.

Hi Rocky,

Checking on you girl, just letting you know that recovery is a tough road but we are all here for you to vent and cry..............
Each day makes you a little stronger and a little closer to the life you want......
Stay with it...........
jessi

She apparently is back with POSOM. *sigh*

So OM was no catch before, you discovered it didnt live up to the dream and so you went back home. You were very lucky to be allowed back in.

But guess what, there were consequences to face at home. There was work to be done. You had to be able to look at your own mistakes and say 'I did that and I will not stop until I have undone that'.

I suppose that was too hard.

Well now you have your well earned reward in the form of OM. Good luck making a life with a man who doesnt measure up and who schemes on married women.

Rocky,

I am so sorry to see that you have quit the right thing. So much of your postings make so much more sense. You weren't depressed over making Strike feel bad or over what you had done, but because you weren't getting your way. You were soooo close to entering the path to recovery, happiness, hope, joy, and peace. Instead you have chose to enter into a 'dream' where you think things will be so much freer, so much easier, so much happier.

The truth is, Rocky, it isn't a dream. It's a nightmare. It is another layer of complications, sins, emotional baggage. It is a life where you can never fully trust OM. Hey, hey cheated with you, why should he be faithful when you become comfortable to him? You have zero reason to trust him.

The truth is, he will never trust you. no matter what you say. no matter how long you are together, there will always be a little lingering doubt whispering in his ear. Telling him "she cheated on her husband, she'll cheat on you. She left me once, she will do it again."

But again, maybe this isn't your concern. Maybe you are just using OM to get away from your terribly boring life, and plan on staying just long enough to not be called a user...

One day, you may meet someone else. What will you do then? Tell the truth to him and wonder if he could ever really love you and trust you fully knowing you used two men for your own selfish pleasures and purposes? Maybe you will lie. Another layer. Then you are forced to live with a terrible secret. A secret that will gnaw at you for days, months, years... One that will slowly make you more miserable than ever.

One that will destroy any relationship you have in the future.

I fell sooo much for you. Strike will recover and move on. He will eventually find happiness and security and hope again. But I worry for you strike. There is no Cinderella ending for this. Only despair.

It is a kind of suicide. Slow, cruel, and unforgiving. I pray that you will read this, turn the car around and make things right.

I pray that you come to your senses and see that you are destroying yourself, your kids and everyone you come in contact with. Just go home.

CV

"So much of your postings make so much more sense. You weren't depressed over making Strike feel bad or over what you had done, but because you weren't getting your way."

QFT.

What CV said...

Rock, if you have never pulled your finger out and done anything difficult in your life up to now......

This is your opportunity to grow up.

Or give up.

Please. She's bailed to Fantasy-land. Good luck, Rocky. You've wasted a lifetime of help.

Maybe you'll be back, but I doubt it.

Enjoy the cheese with your whine...ugh.

How dare you take those kids out of their home AGAIN on some POSOM whim. Where is their HOME?

I hope Strike calls on all law enforecement to regain his kids (BOTH of them) to his home.

Well, Rocky, there's probably little point to me chiming in, and likely you don't care what I think, but FWIW I am so terribly disappointed in you.

Likely you've blown your chances for good with Strike. He's put up with a lot from you, and he was willing to take you back and try to reconcile your M.

So you weren't happy. OK, well, how much of that was due to your inability to do the tough work and face up to the consequences of your actions? How much of that was due to your failure to pull your weight and play your part in marital recovery?

Like me, you chose to step outside of your M and have your needs met, b/c you had poor - no, make that nonexistent - boundaries and you worked up a host of phony little justifications in your head. You couldn't stomach having to face the consequences of your actions, so you decided to run away again.

Rocky, nobody said recovering a M after infidelity was easy. You make the choice every day to get up and fight again. I thought you had it in you after you moved back cross-country to be with Strike.

Rocky, I know people all over have it tough. I thought after my father died that I had no more fight left in me, I just wanted to give up and crawl into a hole somewhere and let life go on without me. And then something else happened yesterday, another disappointment for our family, and I suddenly remembered what I had been fighting for and that by God, I need to start fighting for it again, because I promised my H that I would not give up on him.

And you had what I would give anything for, Strike was with you and willing to try to make it work. H3ll I've been trying everything to just get my BH to come back home for nine months now. Haven't done everything right or perfect and I d@mn sure have "not been happy," but I haven't given up.

Fine, if you want, go back to fantasy land, Rocky. But you need to send your boys home to their father, b/c an active wayward is a selfish creature, and not fit to be a parent.

"Fine, if you want, go back to fantasy land, Rocky. But you need to send your boys home to their father, b/c an active wayward is a selfish creature, and not fit to be a parent."

YES.

(((WPG)))

Rocky,

Here is your letter Strike posted. "blah blah blah everybody should make ME happy blah blah blah..Om tried to make me happy blah blah blah DH tried to make me happy mememememememe."

You're out of control. YOu are A HORRIBLE MOTHER AND INFLUENCE ON YOUR CHLIDREN UPROOTING THEM AND TAKING THEM TO LIVE IN IMMORALITY WITH YOU. You know what you're doing. You're not some powerless, little wallflower. You're an adulteress who is wanting a fix of her stanky drug.

Go wallow with the pig but TAKE THE KIDS BACK. Leave the kids with your poor husband, who stood by you and tried to even be open minded enough to take your azz back after what you did.

I HOPE HE CALLS THE POLICE AND YOU LAND IN JAIL. BRING THE KIDS BACK.

Are you capable of being a mom or woman yet? If you have any shred of that inside of you, TURN AROUND AND BRING THE KIDS HOME. And if you can manage to do it without barfing, then go wallow in the mud shacking up with the posom. Wallow like a pig with him if you want, BUT LEAVE THE KIDS OUT OF IT AND GIVE THEM TO THEIR DAD.

You're out of control. Working without a brain. pretending you have NO CONTROL over things but you do. WOMAN UP.

Bring your kids BACK TO SAFETY.

An ACTIVELY WAYWARD, AN UNREPENTANT WAYWARD LIKE YOURSELF IS INCAPABLE OF BEING ANY KIND OF A DECENT PARENT.

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

I have so much more!! Well my husband an I were in a very bad place in our marriage an things just seem to get worse we both new it was wrong but didn't know what to do about it I guess! Not going to make excuses or best around the bush on where we are now! I asked my husband for a divorce kicked him out an started dating someone then moved that person in. I am making the steps to fix what I have done not sure how to go about it all but I want my husband I don't want what our marriage had become before I want what it was suppose to be! We both were wrong in our marriage both made mastaked but I know how I handled things isn't in anyway how I should have I now struggle with the guilt of all but most feel lik he will never forgive an i thought he was mean before I fear to see how he would make me pay for what I have done! I fear that our issues in the marriage that lead us to this point won't get heard or the work because it will always go back to the afair I am willing to do all that is needed but very fearful at the same time! On a good note it wasn't always bad lots of wonderful memories too an we have two boys our baby boy ahh so amazing!! Adorable!! My oldest baby boy is one of a kind very funny sweet!!!

First off she was never committed. Look at her first post. ***EDIT*** And it never changed. Where did any of you see real contrition from her? And absolutely strike needs to get the cops involved if she took the kids again.

Yes, it is sad isnt it that some people choose to believe they have no control over their actions.

Peachy's 'wallflower coment' really made me laugh. The truth is Rocky could have had it all. She has beautiful children and a good, loving, forgiving man. Who fought for her. I would give my left arm for that.

This whole business of how she whines that Strike had absolute control over her moods is sickening.

Feelings follow ACTIONS and taking personal responsibility

It is easier to be a victim than a real woman, but as Rocky should have discovered time and time again by now, it does not bring happiness.

Even now, if she discovered her spine and made sure her actions were honourable she has a chance of a decent life.

But she doenst believe in nything that isnt a cop-out.

I think the sort of person you are all boils down to what you believe is possible.

Oh wow your story makes me sad. Not for you, but for Strike and your children.

You had the opportunity to work on the marriage, create a loving marriage and home for your two children. Strike took you back and was willing to work on things even after you moved to OM, told Strike you would come back, end contact and then did not. Now you have uprooted your kids again so you can do what? Go be with OM?

You are living in a fantasy world if you think OM and you will have an easy life. If you could not make your relationship with Strike work, how are you going to make future ones work? What are you going to do when you run into problems in your new relationship? Run away? Why would I say this? If you have not fixed yourself, you can never be in a stable healthy relationship. You have only learned to run away when things get tough instead of solving them. What kind of life is that for your children?

You were lucky enough for your BH to take you back twice after all that you put him through. You took a gift that no wayward ever deserves and stepped all over it and threw it in his face.

You may have thought recovery was hard, but nothing good in life comes easy. You chose the easy way out and it makes me sad for Strike, and your children.

I hope you wake up from this fantasy but unfortunately if you do, it most likely is too late....

Wow. I guess you're enjoying wallowing in mud at the PIGpen aren't you Rocky?

Is the mud cold dear? I bet it is. And I am sure the odor is quite nice too.

Just realize that you are doing DAMAGE TO YOUR CHILDREN and you should at the least, turn the children over to your decent husband, who IS a good father and CARES that they are not raised around immorality and subjected to a horrible man who doesn't give a damn about them and a mother who (YOU ROCKY) is self-centered to the core and unable to focus on any other thing other than herself.

KARMA'S COMING ROCKY. it's coming. Might not be today, or tomorrow, but it's coming. Hey Rocky. Did I tell ya where my xwh is now? My UNREPENTANT xwh, whom has ZERO CUSTODY of our child (I have sole custody and decide who even is allowed around my child)? That wayward? His unrepentant adultery and MASSIVE ego (like yours, where he blames anybody for any fault in his life yet seeks nonstop personal adoration and satisfaction) is in jail. Yea, in jail. He spiraled out of control.

You got a BRIGHT future ahead of you, Rocky, if you keep this crap up. Maybe they will realize when you are at prison intake, that all of this wasn't really your fault, and they'll feel sorry for you. Maybe they can paint your cell pink and add a padded toilet seat in there for your comfort, since nothing is EVER YOUR FAULT...you're a victim. Controlled by everybody and only sad she can never find happiness. Yea, going forward as you are now, you got a BRIGHT FUTURE AHEAD.

On 01 August, as this *** was preparing to move to her husband, I posted the following to her:

He hasn't appeared for a while, but The Great Neverguessedeo is going to make the following prediction:

Instead of taking real action in the direction of honor, fidelity, and integrity, you will continue to provide frantic three-line postings, with numerically-increasing exclamation points to demonstrate how serious you are, until Skippy dangles his love-lure, oh, about 04 August. You'll then yet again decide that you haven't the fortitude to go forward with your plan, and stay in your current situation.

Sadly, probably because she was unable to inflict sufficient pain on S2 at a four state distance, she did make the move, with the heinous results we're seeing now!

Two weeks earlier, I had posted:

Folks, may I respectfully suggest we all stop feeding this creature's addiction? Every note begging, castigating, or counselling this pathetic creature contributes ***edited by Fireproof***

She KNOWS what she did. She ENJOYS the attention and conflict.

I would repeat that suggestion.

I blasted Rocky at first because I thought I saw someone so closely related to my ex SIL in her. Something in her reminded me of her and her whining that kept drawing my late wife back into her drama, that helped to bring late wife down ultimatly to her fate.

She was a toxic person, allways talking about how tough life was, and introducing drugs into my wifes life, behind my back, at every oportunnity she had.

Rocky, you will become what you think, and you can pretend how bad life has been to you, and how it is everyones fault,as many will fall for that also, becuase misery loves company, and only the miserable will search you out my dear, as you think that they are in the same boat as you are. Poor Rocky, Boo Hoo..Its all about you.

Its up to you Rocky, if you ever grow up, and learn it is not about you, but others, and if you can ever come to that place, you will then begin to know what maturity is.

It will be a new beginning also, and I pray that it comes to you, but God and his circumstances that relate to reality in life will bring it, and the well intentioned and heartfelt words from people on this site will not reach you untill you have have the two brain cells to rub together to create that spark.

Oh, I know, "But you just don't understand!" God bless you you toxic woman

Originally Posted by NeverGuessed

She KNOWS what she did. She ENJOYS the attention and conflict. [/color][/b]

I would repeat that suggestion.

Im with ya NG..100% Thanks

PLEASE..I know you're all discouraged, disappointed & hurting for Strike,,,but

Let's encourage her, help her to see the light & do the RIGHT thing.

No name-calling & ripping her to shreds.

I rembember your prediction NG, and while I thought you were spot on about her whining, half thought out sentences and drama marks !!!!! I had hoped that Strike's clear example of how to fight would influence her to do the same.

I guess you can lead a horse to water......

Sorry Justus, Your right, In my frustration I am lashing out at a lost soul.

My appologies

You're doing just fine ConstantProcess.

Everyone on this thread is doing ok.

Very few edits needed.

I just don't want it to sink to name-calling & want her to feel she is able to come back when she realizes we were right.

Thanks JustUss, and I won't waste another word on her now.

However I don't think she'll return. But I'll bet when she is standing before a judge having to explain her actions, regret will set in at that point.

I was hoping some toughness might verbally jolt some sense into her. Giving up as I have other things to do. But you're right.

Same here guys

Rocky,

Sorry that you have left and given up, I was hoping you meant what you spoke about doing whatever it took to keep your family together.......
You run when the work gets hard and sooner or later you will run out of places to run to............
I guess some people just can't see past themselves.........I think you will learn over time that this life you ran to isn't a good one and that you will be stuck with a man that you don't have real feelings for........then what it will be to late for your family..............
Some people just can't change.........
good luck

Rocky,

I could understand you leaving because of the AO... but it was just a excuse to break NC with the OM...

Your making the wrong decisions!!! Why Why Why??

My FWW and I recovered but only because she didn't do what you are doing right now!!!

Rocky,

God sees everything we do. He sees you doing what you're doing now, living with the posom EXPOSING YOUR CHILD to this immorality.

You can run, but you can never hide from Him. Or the law, should they come looking.

Hi everyone, this is Strike2 (New path). I wanted to give an update and yes I know this is my WW�s thread. Tomorrow will be 1 year that my WW took the kids and ran back to OM. Now this is just an assumption but either OM didn�t want her back or something else because she ended up with OM2.

Some back story, I caught her indiscretion in mid-December of 2010. I heard everything from the wayward script. I had every emotion you can think of, that is why when the vets tell you not to decide in haste please listen. I told her if she wanted a D then I was taking the kids and leaving. She agreed for me to take the kids and I left January 10, 2011. I think 3 or 4 days later she filed for D.

Come February, she is playing the typical fence sitter. She couldn�t decide if it was me or OM. I didn�t find MB until end of March so I did what I could. I somewhat did a plan A without the knowledge I hold now. I would do great plan A the blow it because I expected her to �get it� and I would AO all over. Unbeknownst to me is that my WW had 2 other A�s prior to the one I caught. She has never owned up to them. This information was brought to me by my MIL. I was thankful that she told me but also disappointed that she held onto this information for 2 years without a word to me.

March, she came to visit the boys and take her son (my step son who I helped raised since he just turned 2) back with her. I told her it was wrong for her to take SS back to the house that we had as a family to an OM living there. She did anyways. Talk about confusion for SS. I was not able to talk to SS until July when she wanted to R.

April I start plan B, I still have DS, court stuff starts happening. We finally agree for a visitation for DS for her and we exchange DS end of June. She was to have DS until August 19. 2 or 3 days later she asks if I want a D. I told her I�m not sure. I need to see action before I decide anything and not words. Now OM is still living with her as she is trying to see where I stand. I agree to try and R she kicks OM out after a few days of us communicating again. Oh, that lasted about 2 weeks. We are 900 mile apart so I should have expected it but I thought she was stronger than that. So after the 2 weeks of us �trying� she went back to OM and cut me off.

Well 2 weeks later she wants to come home. I tell her it�s too late. She is trying hard; I concede again she comes home with the boys. I was excited but also very gun shy. She cancelled the D. A few days after she got home I found Facebook crap all over again and I told her I was done, the lying and SSL never seemed to end. We get past that block and things seemed to be going good. Now of course I am having a hard time with all of this and she is trying. That lasted a month and a half and she just basically shut down. My resentment started right back up because we are dealing with the same issues on top of the A�s . We had the tools to have a great marriage now but she was not on board. A week before she left all kinds of crazy justifications came out of her mouth. She could no longer use the ones before as I have corrected all that she complained about before.

So that was the back story, now October 1st 2011, I leave to go to work 60 miles away, the boys are up I hug them and tell them I will see them later. She is still in bed. We text a few time and have a discussion that I am still have a hard time because I fell she has given up on us she tells me that she is trying. She texts me at 8 and says she is taking the boys to the BK playhouse. I talk to my mother about mid-morning and said she won�t be there when I get home. I just knew it, I could see it.

I get home about 2 and open the garage, hmmm, no van. Well maybe she went shopping. I walk into the house and notice all the shoes are gone. Walk into DS�s room all his clothes are gone. Walk into SS�s room, the same. Check her closet and all is gone but the wedding dress, go figure. I try calling she won�t answer. I check phone records and see she has been calling OM. A week goes by and no contact with her or the boys. I fill for D. We send her the D papers but all the address I had said she doesn�t live there. I have 2 choices, hire a PI or find her myself. I chose the latter. I get the court papers and drove up there. I search everywhere I can think and can�t find her. Her family won�t tell me anything. After 4 hours of searching I was going to get something to eat and visit some friends. I am in a left turn lane and guess who pulls up next to me, yep WW! I call the police and get her served and get my DS back the next day. This is now November 4th.

We are still in D, in a week it will be a year ago I filed. I still have DS. I have not been able to talk to SS in a year now. All he knows is that �daddy� went to work and haven�t talked or seen him since.

I do know she moved in with OM2 within a month of her being �home� other than that I do not know anything about her. I like it that way.

For all of you dealing with this turmoil, whether your M survives or doesn�t there is life on the other side. Either you will have a full �filling marriage or you will be an excellent partner for your next spouse with all you have learned from MB.

My life is doing very well and DS is doing great. Sometimes I look back and ask myself why? At the time I still loved her but when she stole the kids, that was it for me. I really don�t think her fantasy has come to be all she thought. So WW has lost her husband, our son, her son lost the only father he knows, the brothers are separated, we lost the house, she lost her career. All for what?????

p.s. the reason I posted on here was I have seen a bunch of lurkers reading it and thought I would offer an update.

Thanks S2 for the update and sorry you lived like that for too long.

What advice can you give? Do you wish you would've continued with Plan D and then went into a dark Plan B?

We have a few BH that are afraid of following the plans. What can you tell them?

Hey S2

Good to see you!

Quote

Unbeknownst to me is that my WW had 2 other A�s prior to the one I caught. She has never owned up to them. This information was brought to me by my MIL. I was thankful that she told me but also disappointed that she held onto this information for 2 years without a word to me.

This brings more clarity to the situation you 2 were in at the end of posting. Seriel cheater? Tough to break.

Looked for your original thread in the past. Couldn't find anything. Did you kill it?

Quote

We are still in D, in a week it will be a year ago I filed. I still have DS. I have not been able to talk to SS in a year now. All he knows is that �daddy� went to work and haven�t talked or seen him since.

I do know she moved in with OM2 within a month of her being �home� other than that I do not know anything about her. I like it that way.

For all of you dealing with this turmoil, whether your M survives or doesn�t there is life on the other side. Either you will have a full �filling marriage or you will be an excellent partner for your next spouse with all you have learned from MB.

My life is doing very well and DS is doing great. Sometimes I look back and ask myself why? At the time I still loved her but when she stole the kids, that was it for me. I really don�t think her fantasy has come to be all she thought. So WW has lost her husband, our son, her son lost the only father he knows, the brothers are separated, we lost the house, she lost her career. All for what?????

Being you still have DS does it look good for full custody for you?

Usually as a rule the A partner is a step down from the spouse. Part of the spiral downward they enter into when they cross over to the Great Land of Affairville. When the fanatasy needs a shot she will probably find the "Fix" for it and it won't be from the prize she is living with.

S2
Could you take a look at DSC's thread? Its called Wifes EA. His WW just stole a SS and child. Maybe you could give him some support or pointers?

Hang around. We can always used extra hands here.

nESRE

Originally Posted by nesre

Hey S2

Good to see you! Thanks nesre. I appreicate you and the others that tried to help us.

Quote

Unbeknownst to me is that my WW had 2 other A�s prior to the one I caught. She has never owned up to them. This information was brought to me by my MIL. I was thankful that she told me but also disappointed that she held onto this information for 2 years without a word to me.

This brings more clarity to the situation you 2 were in at the end of posting. Seriel cheater? Tough to break. I think that is the case.

Looked for your original thread in the past. Couldn't find anything. Did you kill it? Yes

Quote

We are still in D, in a week it will be a year ago I filed. I still have DS. I have not been able to talk to SS in a year now. All he knows is that �daddy� went to work and haven�t talked or seen him since.

I do know she moved in with OM2 within a month of her being �home� other than that I do not know anything about her. I like it that way.

For all of you dealing with this turmoil, whether your M survives or doesn�t there is life on the other side. Either you will have a full �filling marriage or you will be an excellent partner for your next spouse with all you have learned from MB.

My life is doing very well and DS is doing great. Sometimes I look back and ask myself why? At the time I still loved her but when she stole the kids, that was it for me. I really don�t think her fantasy has come to be all she thought. So WW has lost her husband, our son, her son lost the only father he knows, the brothers are separated, we lost the house, she lost her career. All for what?????

Being you still have DS does it look good for full custody for you? I don't want to get into details since it is still on going. Most likely yes but she will have some visitation.

Usually as a rule the A partner is a step down from the spouse. Part of the spiral downward they enter into when they cross over to the Great Land of Affairville. When the fanatasy needs a shot she will probably find the "Fix" for it and it won't be from the prize she is living with. What a scary thought.

S2
Could you take a look at DSC's thread? Its called Wifes EA. His WW just stole a SS and child. Maybe you could give him some support or pointers? I shot him a post if he has any questions to ask me since I have BTDT.

Hang around. We can always used extra hands here.

nESRE

S2

Saw your post to DSC-Thanks!

Let us know when the legalities are done.

Praying you get legal and physical custody of your son. Too bad the boys are split up though. SS would be in better hands with out WW's drama she calls her life. WW's make lousy parents.

Keep us updated. Maybe? start your own thread so we can keep up to you.

Thanks S2 for the update and sorry you lived like that for too long.

What advice can you give? Do you wish you would've continued with Plan D and then went into a dark Plan B? Brain, I'm not sure what I would have done. I will say this, I wouldn't have been a doormat for as long as I was. She had a way to make me feel like I was wrong when I would stand up for myself. I also would have exposed in one shot rather then the slow grueling path I choose. Even though there was not much to expose because everyone in her circle were OK with it casue she was happy,

We have a few BH that are afraid of following the plans. What can you tell them? ] You have no marriage as long as the A is active. The plans give you the best shot at recover. If the WW is so happy then why not let everyone know. As a BH my fear came from losing my kids and not wanting to be an every other weekend dad. You know what will prevent that? Stand up for yourself and your children and fight because if she gave a darn about either of you, you wouldn't be in this dilemma. I have more but it's late, so save it for another day.

Originally Posted by New_Path

My life is doing very well and DS is doing great. Sometimes I look back and ask myself why? At the time I still loved her but when she stole the kids, that was it for me. I really don�t think her fantasy has come to be all she thought. So WW has lost her husband, our son, her son lost the only father he knows, the brothers are separated, we lost the house, she lost her career. All for what?????

p.s. the reason I posted on here was I have seen a bunch of lurkers reading it and thought I would offer an update.

Glad you are doing well sir, thanks for the update

Hope you get to see SS soon

NewPath

Either you will have a full �filling marriage or you will be an excellent partner for your next spouse with all you have learned from MB.

When I first started reading MB that was my conclusion too, I didn't see much, if any, of a downside. My W has concluded that too saying that with my changes I would make a very desirable H.

God Bless
Gamma

Originally Posted by New_Path

We are still in D, in a week it will be a year ago I filed. I still have DS. I have not been able to talk to SS in a year now. All he knows is that �daddy� went to work and haven�t talked or seen him since.

Hi New_Path. Are you saying that you have full custody of DS?

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

My son today had such a hard day all he wanted was his daddy I had to tell him it was my fault daddy was gone again told him I was sorry but I looked at his face everytime a car drove bye and he jumped up to look out the window yelling daddy and seein his face when he said darn nope

This is the only post of Rocky's that stands out in my mind. What are your plans to see this guy and let him know the truth and that you are there for him. He is probably wondering why you haven't shown up.

I know this is hard New_Path. Rocky is weak. You have to be the strong one here.

Originally Posted by pokerface

Originally Posted by New_Path

We are still in D, in a week it will be a year ago I filed. I still have DS. I have not been able to talk to SS in a year now. All he knows is that �daddy� went to work and haven�t talked or seen him since.

Hi New_Path. Are you saying that you have full custody of DS? Hi pokerface, I don't want to get in details, all I can say is she will have minimal visitation.

Originally Posted by Rockydugan

My son today had such a hard day all he wanted was his daddy I had to tell him it was my fault daddy was gone again told him I was sorry but I looked at his face everytime a car drove bye and he jumped up to look out the window yelling daddy and seein his face when he said darn nope

This is the only post of Rocky's that stands out in my mind. What are your plans to see this guy and let him know the truth and that you are there for him. He is probably wondering why you haven't shown up. WW aliennates me from SS. She will not allow me any contact and since I never adopted him I am at her mercy. I have sent cards, letters and gifts. I just don't know if she intercepts them or claims them as hers. I have a couple of other ideas that am trying.

I know this is hard New_Path. Rocky is weak. You have to be the strong one here.

Well time for an update. The title of this thread is no more. As WW is no longer my W. We came to a settlement agreement last week. I am just waiting for the signed papers from the judge.

She has been back to MB. I see that WW changed her user name to "blessedmomma" and added a detail about abuse in her Sig line. So I guess she reads from time to time. Let me tell you that she has completely rewritten our history, hence the abuse musings. I can defend that accusation all day and night, as anybody that knows us as a couple and then married could attest to.

I will not get into to many details but DS is with me. She has supervised vistiation for now. She can contest at a later time if she desires. She owes me CS, still waiting to see that.

She had another child about 2.5 months ago.

For those that are hurting, there is life on the other side. It may not have been what you had planned for your life, as it wasn't for me, you just have to make new goals and a new life.

I like your sig line and be a good father to your child. God bless you. I am going through a similar situation as well. Seems in a year I might be in your shoes. You fought a good fight enjoy the spoils (your DS) move on without the rest of the garbage and live a moral and righteous life

I wish you well.
Will you be starting a thread in the Divorced Forum?

She has to rewrite history. It's because she's still wayward and will probably never change.

I'm so happy NP for that your DS is with you.

New_Path. You did good.

Originally Posted by New_Path

WW changed her user name to "blessedmomma"

Thanks everyone for all you have done for new path and being there for him

I can't not call him my husband anymore he divorced me today...no worrys he got everything he wanted in the divorce

He has our son I pay him cs and I got nothing I don't get to see our son well supervised limited 900 Mls away

I lost my whole life my everything today
I'm lost and forever broken....

No need to post im my own worst enemy....
Just continue to be suporrtive of new path

Are we supposed to feel sorry for you?

SW,

But didn't you have a child just a few months ago?

God Bless
Gamma

Are we supposed to feel sorry for you?

Mel, seriously, you can't find it within yourself to feel sorry for her? I do. I truly do.

I can easily feel sorry for a person who will spend the rest of her life replete in the knowledge that with both hands she threw away a lifetime of happiness and growth with a family and a husband who was (unaccountably) willing to attempt a marital reconciliation with the woman who betrayed him.

Sorrow comes easy when I think of her pondering the child she will almost never get to see, due to her own actions and violations of the good and decent.

And lastly, how could one not feel empathy knowing that of the pair, one walks away saying "I fought to save God's ideal," and the other must always admit, "I fought to destroy God's ideal!"

You have my deepest sympathy, sw, because as bad as you feel today, today is likely the best day of the rest of your life.

Originally Posted by stupidwoman

Thanks everyone for all you have done for new path and being there for him

I can't not call him my husband anymore he divorced me today...no worrys he got everything he wanted in the divorce

He has our son I pay him cs and I got nothing I don't get to see our son well supervised limited 900 Mls away

I lost my whole life my everything today
I'm lost and forever broken....

No need to post im my own worst enemy....
Just continue to be suporrtive of new path

So, you drove your marriage into the ditch and came back to announce its official demise because...?

Madam, here's your sign:

An excellent example of a lifetime of consequences after making crappy decisions.

Originally Posted by NeverGuessed

Mel, seriously, you can't find it within yourself to feel sorry for her? I do. I truly do.

Nope, I feel sorry for her victims. Her son doesn't get to grow up with his mother because of her selfish, despicable behavior. She wrecked his life for her own selfish interests.

All of my sorrow goes for her little boy who did nothing to deserve growing up without a mother. My sorrow is for her boy who knows his own mom cared more about catting around like an alley cat in heat than being a mother to him.

Originally Posted by stupidwoman

Thanks everyone for all you have done for new path and being there for him

I can't not call him my husband anymore he divorced me today...no worrys he got everything he wanted in the divorce

He has our son I pay him cs and I got nothing I don't get to see our son well supervised limited 900 Mls away

I lost my whole life my everything today
I'm lost and forever broken....

No need to post im my own worst enemy....
Just continue to be suporrtive of new path

Well, why don't you stop being your own worst enemy?

Swear off men for awhile, focus on doing everything you can to build a relationship with your children and a life that makes you happy.

No I don't need/want anyone to feel sorry for me...

Yes my son will never know how much I love him he is growing up with out his mommy

Yes all of this is my fault...

I do live alone no man
I will do right by all my baby's and make sure they are taken care of and are happy

Everyone will be free from all I am and have
Done

I can't write all my wrongs but I can make their future better

New path is free now he will have the life hes always deserved he's happy and that will only grow...

I am and always will be my own worst enemy so yes all you have to say is true and far less than what I say to myself daily

Again thank you for being there for him none of this is his fault but all mine

Sounds like a pity party. I want zero part of this. I feel for your victims and the OC. Women like you destroy the very fabric of a "good guy".

I do hope you're leaving him alone so he can have some peace?

Originally Posted by stupidwoman

Thanks everyone for all you have done for new path and being there for him

I can't not call him my husband anymore he divorced me today...no worrys he got everything he wanted in the divorce

He has our son I pay him cs and I got nothing I don't get to see our son well supervised limited 900 Mls away

I lost my whole life my everything today
I'm lost and forever broken....

No need to post im my own worst enemy....
Just continue to be suporrtive of new path

Adultery is a terrible sin but there can be forgiveness found through Jesus.
The Apostle was asked, What must I do to be saved?
To which he answered, Repent and be baptized.

Originally Posted by stupidwoman

I am and always will be my own worst enemy

It is ridiculous to say that you will always be your own worst enemy. Why don't you stop?

I echo BrainHurts suggestion that you should definitely be leaving him alone. That would include not posting here, unless you want to actually do something about being your own worst enemy. You can change that and I'm sure some people here would be happy to help you. But if you don't want to actually change that then there's not much point to posting other than to get attention. It certainly isn't going to make him feel any better.

You can stop being your own worst enemy. If you want to lie to yourself about that in order to justify continuing to make yourself miserable, that's surely you're right, but if you are going to continue to insist that you are unable or unwilling to change, then there is no point to post here and the only effect it will have is to harass the man you've already hurt and are claiming you want us to support.

Originally Posted by stupidwoman

I do live alone no man

You weren't asked if you live alone.

Markos advised you to "swear off men." (Very good advice.)

My guess your posting here is a ploy to get your ENs met by your xBH now that you are alone....because you aren't saying any of the things that we would expect to see from a truly remorseful WS who has reflected on the damage they have caused and behaviors they need to work on.

Rocky,

I take no joy or satisfaction from your current situation.

Are there any steps you are taking to improve your decision making process?

You say you don't need or want anyone to feel sorry for you, but then why come here to post? I agree with SusieQ that you're trying to get the attention of your XBH...I think you're sending up a little signal to see if he'll come riding to your rescue again.

That said, I do feel sorry for you, because I know exactly what it feels like to wake up every morning and know that you are to blame for ruining your life. I get that. But the question is, what are you going to do about it?

You can either sit there and let life happen to you, continuing to believe that you are your "own worst enemy," maybe waiting for some knight in shining armor to "rescue" you from your "woe is me" existence.

Or you can pull yourself up by the bootstraps and get moving. Stop the pity party and decide that you are going to make life the best you can for yourself and your children.

When you look into the mirror - how do you want to see yourself for the rest of your life?

It is not about your XBH anymore. It is not about trying to win him back. Leave him alone. Your job now is to get yourself straghtened out. You need no one to rescue you but yourself.

Originally Posted by stupidwoman

No I don't need/want anyone to feel sorry for me...

Yes my son will never know how much I love him he is growing up with out his mommy

Yes all of this is my fault...

I do live alone no man
I will do right by all my baby's and make sure they are taken care of and are happy

Everyone will be free from all I am and have
Done

I can't write all my wrongs but I can make their future better

New path is free now he will have the life hes always deserved he's happy and that will only grow...

I am and always will be my own worst enemy so yes all you have to say is true and far less than what I say to myself daily

Again thank you for being there for him none of this is his fault but all mine

Quoted for any lurking WS. This is your destiny if you don't wake up.

Choices People. Choices. This WW made CHOICES along the way. No one had a gun to her head.

Use your head. Your emotions will lead you astray.

She could have made the CHOICE to approach her H about her problems and try to resolve them.

She could have made the CHOICE to just D him.

Nope. She CHOSE to cheat.

She could have CHOSEN to come clean, live an honest life and change her ways and enter into an honest R.

She CHOSE to continue her lying ways.

What a painful lesson to learn the hard way.

Originally Posted by stupidwoman

I am and always will be my own worst enemy

You "always will be" your own worst enemy?
Really?
Does this mean you have learned nothing?
Does this mean you have no intention of learning life's difficult lessons?
Really?

You endure a very painful experience only to remain your own worst enemy ... "always" ??????

Are you raising a new child wearing the hat of your own worst enemy?

Interesting.....

How can a mother who says "I will do right by all my baby's" be her own worst enemy???

I think WPG has a lot of common sense advice for you, we are all God's children and you can make things as right as you can for yourself and your children, don't hurt anyone for your selfishness including you XH ever again.
Let him be
Change it is never to late....