"You are not answering anyone's question because you are scared they will judge you."

True. Biggest question of the day, Rocky:

Did you send OM the NC letter with Strike's agreement?

If no, you may as well pack up the truck and move to divorce.

WPG,

Can't she send the NC letter NOW? Copy Strike? Why wait? I know ideally they send together, but if that isn't going to happen, why should she not send now an CC BH in hardcopy?

Sure he doesn't want to talk to you - because you've not only crushed him with your A, you crushed him again with a FR. And now he's twice bitten, and he's protecting himself. I did the same thing to my H with trickle-truth.

He doesn't want to talk to you b/c right now, to him, your words don't mean anything. Nothing. He knows you can sit right there and lie to him as easy as breathing so he's thinking, why the h377 should I believe her *this* time? What makes *this* time any different?

You have to show him how *this* time is different. You cut off all contact with OM. Call the cops if you need to. And then you get yourself to Strike.

Yeah, maybe it is too late, and maybe it isn't. There are no guarantees. But by God, wouldn't you rather go down fighting for the right thing???

Sure - she could cc Strike on it and send it right away. Only thing I worry about is that I'm worried her language in a NC letter right now may not be strong enough and she needs to make it clear to loserboy that she's done, and her letter also needs to make clear to Strike that she's done with OM. Strike does not need to read a NC letter she wrote to OM that has weak, wishy-washy language or he's going to be even more wary. She must put in no uncertain terms that she's committing herself to her husband and her marriage.

Got that, Rocky??? No wiggle room!

Thanks WPG, that's what I was thinking?

Rocky,

How's about you write and post here?

So what you are saying is Rocky...

Is that you have allways had a problem, been subdued, maybe abused, but have never really spoke your mind before.

The you got together with Strike, and maybe you thought his love would change things, it already did in some ways, but you still didn't express your thoughts and life completly, and held your tounge, hoping for some kinda miracle.

After kids and what started to become a loveless marriage, just like in the book lovebusters, anticipation turned to dissipointment and then to resentment, which primed you for an affair.

Some guy with an idea that he was able to help you with a shot of his "Two-ball compound", who fell for this mess you are, and has no real strength of anything, Character, control, boundaries of protection for another mans wife, and now even less respect for you, because he thinks he owns you now, because you filled some fantasy he had... well thats the OW..

There is a saying men pass around about women, that to not fall for the "tender trap". Oh the damsel in Distress, the poor thing, she has had it so tough. In my experience letting somebody live in that is like giving them a death sentence. Teaching them to fight is what you should do for them, not teach them how to give up. Telling them everything will be OK without rock solid objective guidance makes them dependant, rinse and repeat, they will never get better.

So here is your choices, I will give three because I have seen it happen in lots of people, and the right guidance can help you, if you stop being scared.

1.You go to Strike. Tell him you have been a wimp, and have made it worse for yourself. You have never been taught how to stand up and fight for what you want, but you want him, so you are hiring the best trainer ever, to help you fight. (Then you get a therapist, come to Jesus moment so you can see he took away fear, and fight for what is right and what you want. You do this even if Strike says go away, you find a job and stay near him, and you come here for encouragement when your down). You fight, for yourself and your marriage and children, you get ticked off and fight. Yes you have it in you, everybody does.

2. You stop seeing OM, you get counseling on your syndrome, make arragements with Strike, and get a divorce. You tell strike that He just wasn't worth the fight, but you will get by, and he can have the children whenever. Then you live with the knowledge that you quit, even when you had a chance of recovery, and try to justify your imagined fears, as a good reason to give up so easily.

3. You just keep seeing OM, and when he dumps you because you are impossible, or boring, or do not stand up for yourself, you find another desparate and even worse guy to take his place. When your conscience speaks to you, and ask you why you didn't fight, you can tell that also that YOU were just not worth it. You wont be worring about your fears then, they will be in the drivers seat.

Those are the three choices you can have with varied results and combos of the three. I don't know what damage you have suffered Rocky, but I CAN tell you you have been fooled if you think you are not worth the fight, and much more. If you could only see that, wild horses couldn't stop you. Whatever was used against you to get you to sell yourself short, to reduce you to this quivering pile of jello, will probably be used to help you out of that hole also.

The differance is that here, nobody wants you a pile of jello, sorry but we are stronger than that, we would rather have a full blooded scrapper as a challange, and we will help you get there.

I don't know if you are a beliver in God, but as the saying goes, it doesn't matter, because he belives in you. God is in his people, and his people fill this place, and many churchs in the world have him present also. There are tons of different places to go to get counselling for your fears, and no matter what, you get that taken care of, because your a big girl now, time to put on the big girl panties, this is not playing house, this is marriage, and God is tottally able to strengthen even the gentlest of souls, and make them roaring lions.

Stop that not worth having one crap, or go back to the playpen. I just told you that we find you worth it, many have died in Wars to give you the right to speak. This is not hopeless and your not helpless. Get in the car and drive there even if you shake all the way there. There is love in this place for you and as much as you are probabbly saying to yourself,"But they don't know me!" Guess again, many of us have been there sweety, and you are no better or worse than any of us.

I use to be a very strong person!!! I somehow lost myself in my marriage I became jello!

I didn't have a voice I spoke no one listened
now because of all of my mistakes don't feel

Lik even using it!! I am gonna write the nc note fw to my husband for approval
he keeps just saying it's to late I hurt him to much

Again don't blame him at all

Part of me most days want to just disapear

My husband my baby boys deserve better than me

They deserve to be happy I haven't ever been able to do this for them

If I could only just disapear for a while

BS. And, no, I most certainly do not mean of the "betrayed spouse" variety.


BS. Again. Wow, this crap gets old real quick.


Post it here, especially if you don't hear anything back from Strike.


Yeah, about that...

Look, Rocky, you are incredibly lucky. You have some excellent people posting to you, people who have not given up on you. You even have a BH who may still be willing to take you back - my bet is he will still put in work on the relationship.

The great thing is that you both have found MB, and there is no better place to recover a marriage - especially one touched by infidelity. It doesn't matter what your M was like pre-A; what matters is that you both own your parts in its demise, and you both go gangbusters to build a newer, better M.

But if you are serious about this - and, frankly, your past actions anger me and make me feel like I'm wasting my time anyway, (so can you even imagine what this false recovery - and, yes, that's what it is, don't lie about that - is like for your BH??) - if you are serious about this, you need to quit your crying and moaning and self-pitying nonsense. Pull up your big girl panties and handle this like an adult.

You made a mistake, a huge, colossal mistake. But all of your whining and history re-writing and victimizing will get you nowhere but alone, and fast.

You know what all of your posts scream right now? "Me, me, me, what about meeeee?" There will be a time and a place for the attention and comfort and strength you seek - and, wouldn't you know? That is with Strike.

They deserve a better version of you, nobody can replace you, nobody.

Now just straighten up and fly right, you will get through it, just go through the tough parts and remeber quitting is not an option. Deep breaths, let yourself be human, you will never do THAT again, deep breaths...

Minute bt minute, hour by hour, day by day, thats how you measure the improvments.

Start a journal and write it all out, see a counselor, go to church, pray.

They don't call hell fire and brimstione for nothing. They say that fire and burning is used to explain what happens to the soul, because of the fact that burns are the worse form of pain known to human beings. Ever smell brimstone? It really stinks like rotten eggs.

do the letter, call the cops if OM shows up, and trust God for strength.

Goodnight Rocky praying for ya.

How do I help my husband now!

I know I have to write the letter an send it to my husband

What else? Rightfully he won't talk to me
I know nothing I say help

I asked him if he would review nc letter but he keeps saying it's to late

I see all the post how it's all about me an well not sure what to even say really

This is the only place I have express anything but I won't

I am in desperate need of serious help to save my marriage!!!!!!!!

But, Rocky, don't you see? You haven't expressed anything that demonstrates a recognition of what you did, its wrongness, and a commitment to repairing it.

Instead, you are panicking - I think it was Surfer who said you saw your BH moving on and you got scared.

And you know what? That's fine. You recognize, at least on some level, that you're about to lose something good, something important. But if you are serious about this, you need to do more than scramble to reel him back in.

Instead of spending your time complaining about being misunderstood and not heard or whatever, sit down and write out your NC letter. Post it here, get feedback, and send it ASAP.

The desperation and hopefully guilt and even more hopefully pain (I'll explain why) you are feeling now are good - but let them motivate you to action, not leave you spinning your wheels in a mire of self-pity. At some point, I hope the pain you feel will be eclipsed by the pain of seeing what you have inflicted on your BH. I know it sounds a little crazy right now, but once that happens = progress, really good progress.

But that's a ways off. For now, focus on your NC letter.

Also, have you read about extraordinary precautions (EPs) yet? You will need these to patch any avenues of contact the OM may use to reach you.

What happened between the last time you were posting (your first attempt at recovery) and now?

And evidence to all that you are still not seeing the OM , start by moving closer to your husband. A nc letter is all well and dandy if it means anything to you and is enforced.

Rocky, if you think we are a little hard on you, imagine what someone who is actually personally betrayed by you feels.

A part of me was angry with you for contacting OM after all of the help you were receiving on this board. We were all backing you up and you snowed us all. That ticked me off, but I care about saving people from affairs, and if you are truly serious this time, I will help wherever I can.

You are going to need to PROVE that you are willing to recover and you MEAN it. Not that you are just scared that Strike is gone, and he will take your boys. If you stay a wayward, I would strongly recommend that he try his darndest to get those boys. WSs make LOUSY parents.

I think you should give the coaching center or the radio show a shout out.

I don't remember, did you read SAA? You need to make steps to PROVE that you are actually serious this time.

False recoveries are WORSE than the original betrayal, so you have done A LOT of damage to your BH. He is lying there bleeding on the floor and you are saying, "But he won't talk to me. I did such horrible things and I feel bad." He is BLEEDING.

Set up a polygraph test, just to give Strike peace of mind, whether he decides to reconcile or not. You owe him a lot more than that, but it's a start.

Get working, re-read your thread. There was a lot in there.

It is very hard to be so unhappy and know that you only have yourself to blame.

I get that.

Now do I think that lets you off the hook for making up for what you have done?

UH huh.

The only way to happiness is to find the strong person you ARE.

You dont have a choice about being strong. It is the only way out!

Our darkest moments give us the opportunity to find the strongest version of ourselves.

So seize this opportunity! Face the music. It is the bravest, most loving act imaginable. It is the most significant opportunity to be honest. To be able to say to all the people you have hurt 'I did something unforgiveable and it is all my fault' to say 'I do not deserve to be forgiven, but I would do anything for the chance to heal the wounds I inflicted'.

I have to say my wh was an honest person about everything but his own shortcomings.

If he was able to face his critics now, show love and bravery, risk everything knowing he could walk away with nothing...

Well on that day I would love him more than I did on our wedding day.

All talk no action. Send the letter have BH approve and mail it.

But have your friends here check it before you send it to BH. Better to send a letter your BH won't need to change.

I am in desperate need of serious help to save my marriage!!!!!!!!
(Wow, eight exclamation points - she MUST be serious, right?)

Let's get situation defined, shall we?

1) Firstly requiring external help to "save" your marriage at this point is ridiculous. Now, had the statement been that you were in desparate need of help to cure yourself of your incredible self-entitlement, arrogance, and drama-queendom, you might have a chance of improving the situation.

2) You're "going" to send the NC letter......you're going to quit your job.....you're going to leave for Florida...... And yet, with all that "going" to happen, exactly what have you done? Write the NC letter and post it here? NO! Answered any of the vital questions posted by the folks here who actually think you are worth dealing with? NO!

He hasn't appeared for a while, but The Great Neverguessedeo is going to make the following prediction:

Instead of taking real action in the direction of honor, fidleity, and integrity, you will continue to provide frantic three-line postings, with numerically-increasing exclamation points to demonstrate how serious you are, until Skippy dangles his love-lure, oh, about 04 August. You'll then yet again decide that you haven't the fortitude to go forward with your plan, and stay in your current situation.

Rocky, the posters here ARE giving you serious help to save your marriage. The reason folks keep saying that you're making this all about you is, well, you are making this all about you.

I get it. I'm a FWW myself, and I know how horrible it feels to realize how everything is messed up because of what I did. But some very wise folks here guided me through numerous outbreaks of self-flagellation. The more time you spend bemoaning your own existence, the less time and energy you have for healing your marriage and your BH.

Don't get me wrong, I still have periods of crushing doubt about myself, bouts of the "what ifs" and "if onlies", depression, you name it. But you have to realize that each time you dwell on your own pain - and I get it, you have pain - you're not addressing what needs to be done.

And if you think you're in pain now, just wait till you get to Strike, and you see firsthand the evidence of what you did to him.

A WS's wounds are self-inflicted. The wounds that our BH's have were caused by our own hands. In a perfect world of recovery, our actions would demonstrate love, care, and committment to our BH's, healing their wounds first, and then and only then will they be capable of helping us heal the damage we did to ourselves. And, I believe that, at least for me, that my BH is capable of helping me to heal in a way no one else can do.

Strike does not want to listen to your words right now. Understood. There are many times, now, even over a year and a half past full disclosure, that my BH doesn't want to listen to my words either.

Actions, Rocky. Actions. The first is that NC letter. Get it posted. Let the good folks here review it. Send it. And then pack up your truck and hit the road.