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Originally Posted by Rockydugan
Yes I have already told him that I would send him the boys atleast before our oldest starts school so he can get them situated

Why not do it now? S2 is certainly capable of taking care of them. One less hurdle to jump and it will motivate you to keep moving.

Rocky, I am not trying to bash you. I know how hard this is. It is the hardest thing you will ever go through. ... it seems like things are stalling here.

It will not get better until you close that distance between you.

Keep jumping those hurdles one at a time. Know that you did everything that you could.


ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

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Rocky,


My In-laws hated me for the first 26 years I was married to my husband. That is the cold hard truth.

Then, everything completely changed. They finally realized that I wasn't leaving my husband. And I wasn't stupid, I wasn't anything like they thought I was. I was a very intelligent, steadfast, strong, hardworking woman.


And when my FIL had a terrible accident, I was the person who drove all of those basketcase family members to the hospital, because I was the only one who did not panic in the face of tragedy. At that 26 year mark, we walked in the emergency room door, and much to my surprise, my MIL told the lady at the desk that I was in charge, that I had the power of attorney (I had no idea), and that I made all the decisions.

Who knew?


Certainly I didn't. But this decision on the in-laws part had been made only a month or so earlier.

Somewhere in there, I had changed their minds, by being steadily consistent in who I was. A good person, ethical in all things, open and honest in all of my dealings, and about as moral as I could be. At least I try with everything, although I know I fail at times. We all do.


Do not worry about what other people think of you. Set your own course. Steer your own ship. It is with marking your own destination and being sure your course is true that others will make note of your gains and come aboard. You cannot recruit them - and no amout of effort on your part to sell tickets to the cruise will help.


SB


Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
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Rocky,

So, it seems you want assurance on where Strike2 stands. You want to know now how the story ends. You want certainty that if you give your all, he'll come to grips with your infidelity, and be able to forgive and fully join you in creating the marriage you want.

Well, I've been there, and it's natural to want that. You're scared. You know you've messed up. You want to do better. You'd like some assurance of a positive outcome. You'd like a guarantee if you could get one.

But you can't. There's no guarantee -- not in a positive sense, anyway. The only guarantee you can have works in the other direction: By making your efforts conditional on a commitment from him right now, at this stage, you can guarantee that your efforts won't succeed.

So be on your guard to make sure that no such conditionality creeps into your efforts and compromises them.

You want to be trusted again someday? Well, the path to that begins with you committing a radical act of trust, by placing your heart into his hands each day, without expectation of a near-term payoff.

Right after my affair, when we'd started counseling, the way our marriage counselor put it to me was, I had to imagine myself hacking through a dark, thick, gnarly forest to get to my wife. I'd be starting from a position where I might be able to hear her voice from time to time, but I couldn't even see her. I had no assurance, no guarantee that she'd be there by the time I'd hacked to where I was supposed to go. All I could keep in my pocket was her promise to try. It wasn't my job to worry about how things would have turned out weeks or months from then. It was my job to hack each day & keep moving in the right direction. It was my job to meet her emotional needs better, to give her the truth, to protect her feelings, to keep up my EPs, and to give her LOTS of slack. If I wanted steadfastness from her, long-term, then I needed to show steadfastness short/medium-term in working to fix myself, to help her heal, and do MY part to make our marriage better. As Schoolbus said: Consistently.

Yes, there's a chance Strike2 won't be there when you've hacked as hard & as far as you can hack. But that's your only shot. You've gotta be all-in. All your chips on the table. No hedged bets.

You just BE there for him. Be there if it's in a place together. Be there if it's in a separate apartment across town. Be there if he wants to talk. Be there if he wants to go into another part of the house & not have anything to say or do with you for a spell. Be there if he wants to go out & drive around alone, be there if he wants you to ride with him, be there if he wants to go to Cancun for a week with you, and if it's without you, then be there when he gets back. Just. Be. There. Consistently.

Maybe you understand & get all this already. Just making sure.


Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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GloveOll,

Poetic, my friend. Wow, as always.

Rocky, you are getting the best insight you could possibly hope for.


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Rocky,


1. Move closer. You absolutely cannot fix this long distance.
2. Have patience. You absolutely cannot fix this in one day, one week, one month. Decide right now that you will work for TWO YEARS before you give up. And that you will work...on...#3....
3. Work on HIS NEEDS FIRST. I promise, with all that I have, that when you put his needs before yours, you will be able to watch his healing. And that will lead to your own healing. WHY? Because as S2 heals, he will see that you have WORKED to change, to meet his needs, and he will see the relationship change, the family change, your interactions change. And S2 will WANT to meet your needs! The friendship between the two of you will grow, deepen, and soon enough


your love banks will be fuller


and you will find that you WANT to be "in love"

and that just maybe

you WANT to move back in together...



Only ONE of you has to begin the work, Rocky.


In this case, YOU have three steps to take.


Begin with step one.


S2 says he found you a place. He is on the rollercoaster, but wants to try. He knows it will take a year or so.


It is up to you to but that ticket HOME.

Three items on the list, Rocky.


SB


Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
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Rocky, the alternative to NOT trying is what? What do you have to look forward to? Going out on dates with people who you have to get to know, who have to get to know you, who may not get along with your children, who may resent your children, etc, etc.

Listen to the people here and do this the right way. Give your family, your marriage and YOURSELF a real chance here. You can't know how lucky you are, but one day you will. One day, you will look back at this, and if you didn't give it TIME, you will regret it.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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The boys an I move on the 6th!! My husband mis understood me expressing my conserns (because he asked) as I didn't want to try or I was giving up and I. No way was that it but because he was hurting because of what he thought

I said instead of what I acutally was expressing he was hurting even more it has taken two days for us to discuss it out an one out side person to interrupt what the other meant etc

The realitor comes Sunday to get everything for getting the house listed I moved that up shooting for it to be rented by the 15th

I am bringing boxs home should have most done there by sat

Next weekend and weekend after that is yard sales an tieing up loose ends

My husband is flying in on the 5th then loading truck 6th an heading down the 950ml treak home to our new house smile


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Well, GOOD JOB. You are starting on a long road, but one that will definitely be worth it, when you STICK to MB.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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hurray


Me - 30 (FWW)
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That is some really good news!

Keep up the momentum Rocky. Be gentle with your man and take the lessons others are showing you here to help guide you in implementing the MB way into your life.

Plan your work and work your plan.



Me - 46
Wife - 43
2 x DD
Married 18 yrs - known each other for 22 yrs
Woke up 12/2009 and realized I was an idiot for neglecting my WIFE!
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hurray

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THATS the Rocky we know, - doesnt give up, fight, fight, fight!


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Rocky,


You have step one well on the way to completion.

In the meantime:


Patience, patience, patience. You two have a huge communication problem!!!!!! HUGE!!! I will bump my thread on how to talk to each other, because somewhere in there the two of you have completely lost it.

Here are my observations, and I am completely an expert in this field, so listen very carefully to what I am telling you. I mean this will all my heart, and you absolutely need to hear this.


What I have observed here is that when your husband says something, you react as though he is attacking you in some way. You tend to try to read more into it than what is there.

The fact is that your husband is a man who is pretty good when it comes to saying what is on his mind in a direct way. He does not use words to confuse people, and he doesn't dance around issues.


If he has something to say to you, my instinct is that he will pretty much SAY IT. Your tendency is to believe that he is holding something back, like he is thinking one thing and saying another - and that the thing he is thinking is really quite negative about YOU.


At this point in your recovery, it is natural to be afraid that your husband is angry with you. It is natural to believe that he has some negative feelings towards you. However, you also have to understand that he has told you he does want to try to recover the marriage, and his actions have been speaking in THAT DIRECTION.

You will need to understand that there will be occasions where he will say things to you that you will not like to hear. That is the way it will be during your attempt to recover the marriage.

There will also be times when you will have to say things to him that he does not like! That is not an easy thing to do, but it may be necessary, right?

It is part of being honest, and part of the inner workings of a marriage. We need to be able to work together, to say the things that are easy to say, and hard to say, in order to negotiate the daily happenings of our relationship. We have to get over the speed bumps.


In your case, you need to expect that those speed bumps will happen quite often over the next year or so! It comes with the roller coaster of recovery. It does not mean you throw it all away.

What it DOES MEAN is that you IMPROVE your own ability to communicate with S2.

You both learn how to make these kinds of conversations about


1. love
2. mutual respect
3. improving the marriage


and NOT ABOUT
1. disrespect
2. tearing down the other spouse
3. creating distance in the relationship




This is EASY. Every time you start to talk to S2, you ask yourself, "If I had to hear this from him, how would I like for him to say it to me? AND, How do I say this so that it improves our relationship and our love for each other?"


Anything can be worded with respect, love, and honor for the relationship.


ANYTHING.
It only takes both of you coming from a loving heart, instead of coming from defensiveness, destructiveness, anger, retaliation, resentment, etc., etc..............


Look for my thread up on body language, memory, and other stuff.

SB


Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
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Rocky - what's going on???

I get the sense from reading your H's thread that you are waffling. What I'm reading between the lines is that you are looking for a guarantee here. A guarantee that if you go through with this, that Strike won't leave you.

GO expressed it so much more eloquently than I am able - but hon, there is no guarantee. There is no guarantee of a restored M with Strike. It is and will always be the BS's choice to remain in the M after adultery - those are the consequences of our actions.

But even knowing that there is no guarantee - don't you want to be able to look your boys in the eye - h377, look YOURSELF in the eye, and be able to honestly say that you owned your stuff and you did everything humanly possible to try to heal your BH, restore your M, demonstrate remorse for your actions, and be a model of genuine repentance? We can never, ever, erase our actions in the past but we can move forward, we can grow as human beings and we can become better than what we were.

Rocky, I know it is hard to face your fears. But understand that Strike is willing to face his as well. You have a chance I would give anything for. GO, Rocky - don't give up!!!!


FWW

"Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough." ~ Earl Wilson
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Rocky, can you refresh my prematurely aging memory? When was NC established?


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rocky, what happened to your plan to save your marriage?


BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
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Rocky,


Here's the deal. My guess is that you think when you see your husband you will be looking into his eyes and you will have to face the reality of his judgement.

You will.

And - you will live through it.


Actually, somehow you will come through this as a stronger person.


The next thing you are realizing is that if you "go back", you are facing some of the problems you had to face before - when you ran away from them.

You will.

The HARDEST truth about what you have done? No matter where you go - you have dragged those exact same problems with you. Because you could leave this marriage in the dust, and marry some other guy. You could actually marry the most absolutely perfect man in the world, and that marriage will be messed up. Because YOU will be dragging the very same problems from your marriage with S2 right into your next marriage.

You have solved NOTHING with your affair.


Because, Rocky, the fact is that YOU will be in any relationship you have from here to the day you die, and if you do not learn to work (yes, work!) on your relationship and "how to be married", you will not succeed in marriage no matter WHO you marry.

What you are facing is being judged for having an affair. You face that married or not.

What you are facing is working on yourself. You face that married or not.

What you are facing is straightening out what has happened with the kids during this time. You face that married or not.


What you are facing will not be easy.

Wouldn't it be easier working together with someone who loves you? Someone who knows what you have done, and is still willing to start again, build the marriage from the dust of what it was, and build


the marriage together - the marriage of your dreams - and build it RIGHT this time......


That doesn't happen far away. It happens where you can build love. Together.



You are on the rollercoaster ride. So is S2.


Pick yourself up, and realize that today you are momentarily afraid of what lies before you. But also realize that you have a man who is willing to stand next to you and is there to lean on. It's okay to be afraid. It's okay to wobble.


Get back up.


SB



Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
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Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
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Rocky,

Nowhere could I imagine the "free" insight you've just received from SB. I'd pay 100.00 bucks an hour for a SB flunky.

Now, let's talk about everyone else for this past week...

No, let's not. Either commit and ride the waves or don't, but stop yanking Strike's chain. For God sakes, fish or cut bait. Someone like WPG would love to be in your position, and you are p-ssing it away.

My guess is that you will "cut bait" because you don't have it in you. That's not reverse-pysch, just factual insight.

Good luck, and sorry that you caved.

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Rocky, you know, your kids are gonna grow up someday.

Have you given any thought to the question of, how are you going to re-become someone that they can be proud of someday?
Have you got a plan for that?


Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Folks, may I respectfully suggest we all stop feeding this creature's addiction? Every note begging, castigating, or counselling this pathetic creature contributes ***edit***

She KNOWS what she did. She ENJOYS the attention and conflict.

Last edited by Fireproof; 07/16/11 12:42 AM. Reason: Too graphic
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