This is the birth pangs of recovery. Hold him. love him, comfort him. The separation has not allowed him to move past dday in a lot of ways. As you work at being what you weren't for him, it will *slowly* lessen. Don't push recovery faster than he can handle. Dont push it at all. I suggest you buy a notebook. 5 subjects...

In the notebook you should journal on certain subjects (about you, not you and him or him specifically): Write in it as if he will not read it, but make it available to him. Journal on these subjects:

1) Lying: When it started, what patterns you have developed, what you are doing to stop it. Lying is a key factor in affairs and it was a habit you developed that may be coming through in your day to day speech without you realizing it.

2) Anger: Why you were angry, what were the motivators, what safeguards you can put in place to avoid holding this in. This is really part of openness and honesty. Many waywards are angry and don't express it because they are afraid to hurt their BSs. What are you angry at? Yourself? The OM? express it here. Holding anger in builds resentment and stifles growth. Write about why you were angry in the affair too. Remember the real answer and the right answer may not always be the same. Give the real answer always.

3) depression (yours): Are you sad? Why? are you adequately expressing this to S2? Him helping you through your own depression (Dr H says most waywards are depressed because of the A's)gives S2 a sense of being needed and useful and wanted. Putting it on paper helps you be strong yourself. Depression is often diffused once it is expressed (except in cases of chemical/Chronic depression. Are there adequate things you are doing to overcome this (not suppress it, overcome it)... Exercise, healthy speech and thought, etc...

4) restitution: Talk with S2 and see what he requires. He may not know and it is dependent on him to decide what adequate restitution is largely... Form a plan and journal on it. Keep a log of your plans. As you both read it, there is reassurance that things are moving forward.

5) Miscellaneous thoughts: Use this for your other rambling thoughts and ideas. There may be other things you find you want to journal about. General thoughts and feelings and ideas...


The journal presents to your H openness and honesty. It shows him you are working and care. It also allows both of you to reach benchmarks. You can look back and say "Did we really come this far?". Trust me, it works...

CV

Rocky,

I hear the same things we went through in the beginning it is all part of the process keep that in mind, it takes a little bit of positive time together to you both to feel safe, I am the BS and I was like your husband hurting beyond belief, finding it hard to even comprehend that it had even happened......going against all my beliefs and going forward with forgiveness was an inner struggle........
BS's try to make sense of what has happened to their lives and try to come up with a reason that seems like it could be enough for all the pain they are feeling.......
I went around and around for a while, my husband just kept holding me, kept telling me he was sorry and that it was a mistake he wished he could take back and that all his selfishness was not worth what he had done to me and our marriage.......over and over again for months, never waivered. He just kept saying I will live through whatever I have to I put you in this place and it's up to me to show you now that you are my life, and that he was grateful for the chance to make things up to me.........
He called me during the day.......just to ask if I was okay or if there was anything he could do.........
he held me when I cried.......he understood when I was angry, he cooked for me, he walked with me just to get me out of the house, he never went anywhere without me......
he left his phone with me or turned it off......he tried to do whatever he could to put an end to the triggers and if they happened he would just console me through them............
being in the same house is your best chance, try to make it a safe place for him to land, a safe and loving place for you two to be.......laugh a little, go out a little, drives, small stuff.......hug each other hello and good bye, good morning and good night......
do little things for him that he will notice....favorite food, snack....drink. little notes.......
It may seem like a bit of work right now but soon he will respond as well and the joy you will feel then will be incredible, my husband now says his best joy is to see me smile or laugh..........
that didn't happen for a long time.........now it does again.......
we don't live and breathe it all day any longer.......what we do live and breathe now all day is each other and that is wonderful......you two will get there but it starts with you.........be that woman ........make the mistake you made have an outcome that you never expected it could have.........a happy ending....for your family..........be the driver of the bus, carry the two of you right now until he is strong enough..........
I couldn't be more proud of you, I know how strong you must be.........
jessi
It is a long process

Rocky, here's a bit of what I posted on Strike's thread:


I hope he didn't take that as you guys spending an hour a day discussing the A. The goal should be to try and schedule your discussions and limit them, so that you can spend your UA time rebuilding the feelings of love between you, b/c 51 is right, the A is an enemy of good conversation. Endless discussions are going to lovebust BOTH of you.

He's going to have questions that you will need to address. Lots of folks have chimed in and given him some advice on how to deal with questions. Personally, I really like the journal option. Now, I haven't had a chance to really use it in practice, but the concept is great. It would allow you some time to make sure you respond completely to his questions, making sure you don't leave out a detail Strike needs.

That said, if you two go the journal route, make sure you are answering things in the way Strike needs. In other words, don't do what I did and give my H my feelings when he really wanted details and factual information - dates, places, times, etc. This is a broad generalization, but I think many times as women we focus on the emotional aspects of things while men focus more on the details. That doesn't ring true in every case, of course, but it's something to consider.

Stay the course...It is hard, no doubt, and especially when we know that we were the architects of our own destruction. We also, as former waywards, need to heal too, and ideally that is something that our BH's will eventually be able to help with, and that will (hopefully) come in time as they themselves heal. We have to put ourselves on the back burner and do what we can to minister to the hurts that we inflicted. Reciprocal need-meeting, release of expectations on your part, and enjoyable UA time together will help the process.

Rocky, this is now to stay strong and focused.

What you need to do is to make sure OM will have no loopholes to contact you ever again AND show you are serious about making it up to your H. This needs a proper plan.

NC letter - have you sent it? OMW - is she been informed about what was going on? Changing phone numbers, deleting all social network accounts, blocking OM from all of them. What is the status of all that?
Giving information about where you are with whom daily to you H, giving all access to all of your e-mail, bank accounts to your H; putting down your EPs list and showing it to your H, allowing him to feel free to add anything. How about these?
Learning about POJA and practising it.
Meeting his ENs and avoiding LBs at all cost. Have you done those questionnaires yet? Even if he won't meet yours at the moment - this is not your time right now. You need to stay put and do your best of meeting his and take care of him at the best of your abilities. Be supportive and listen to him.
BTW, HNHN and LB books are good to acquire in 2 copies - read it together and discuss it chapter by chapter - one evening one chapter or whatever arrangement suits you both.

So, there's plenty you can do to ease his pain every day. Affair talk - be willing to talk whenever he is ready to talk, answer everything honestly, don't lie and ask him to take notes when he needs to recheck anything in the future.

I like this idea scary but I think it may help I get quiet when we talk because watching his pain increase as we talk is unbarrible and I get so mad at my self that the conversation normally goes south quick

It has really worked for us. There were a few bumps, but it was constant progress overall. Now W is addicted and goes into withdraw when she doesn't get to journal. This will also help to spark better conversations with you two because you are "working off of something" instead of random talking. It helps focus the course of the conversations and you both know what is going to be talked about (mostly).


Cv

You two can't do this alone. Give the coaching center a call and get some help. You both are struggling when there is no need to. You need a PLAN for recovery. Get them to help you with that plan.

Good advice and revelation about time

I also agree that you probably should set aside time to talk about this heavy subjet, but after that make time enjoyable, while staying transparent

If time comes he has questions, be ready to answer them, but as tome passes he should be able to handle writing them down, and/or waiting till an appropriate pre determined time to bring them up

If you see his pain, I'm sorry, but this is part of the process, as you get better this will pass, and you will be restored

Just make sure you do all of what is required to make it even better

Thanks for the update

Rocky,

I suggest you two set a timer, and talk about the affair for NO LONGER than 30 minutes per day. Period. When the timer dings, talk is DONE when it comes to affair-talk.

Strike2 can write his questions down, and you can answer the questions. He adds new questions in where he thinks they should go. When you have answered them to HIS satisfaction, HE checks them off as "done". It should be limited to no more than three questions per day, if they are "done" within the 30 minutes. This keeps stuff from going on and on and on and on and ....... AND, if you don't finish, the next day, you pick up where you left off. NO MARATHONS.

Rules are that you answer honestly. Completely. Truthfully.

He LISTENS to the answer until you are done. He cannot speak until you have stopped talking at least 15 seconds.

You LISTEN to any comments he has until he is done. You cannot speak until he has stopped talking at least 15 seconds.

You both MUST COUNT OUT THE 15 SECONDS IN YOUR HEADS BEFORE YOU BEGIN YOUR TURN TO TALK. While this sounds stupid right now, there is a reason for it. Trust me and follow the rule.

No DJs, No AOs.

Sit together, hold hands.

This is NOT a confrontation. It is a LOVING, CALM, and honest time together to allow your husband to know the truth of HIS LIFE, and for you to offer information so he can understand what happened.


All questions are FAIR.


After the 30 minutes are over, they are over. Get up, talk to the kids, and begin a conversation about the NEXT DAY'S PLANS - school, dinner, sports, TV, anything else. This is the RULE.

After you two practice having CALM discussions for a minimum of two weeks, with NOBODY walking out, having a drama queen fit, lying, calling names, raising voices, etc., then perhaps you two can POJA the idea of moving it to 40 minutes.

Maybe 40 minutes. I personally do not recommend this, but maybe.



Follow the rules. Do this. It will work, and it will help you recover.


It will help you both help each other get through the hard part of talking about the affair.



SB

Was just thinking about you and Strike this weekend. Hope you guys are out enjoying the FL sun and spending time as a family again. Let us know how you're doing.

We are trying to get the new house in order. I am adjusting to the change from a very challenging high pace career to a stay at home mom.

My husband and I spend as much time together as we can, we do spend a lot of faimly time together. A lot of lows through out the day and we struggle with communication. We are working on it every day

Every day is hard but I keep trying.........

Great to hear from you

Good to hear from you.

We just moved, too, and are trying to put things in order. It's fun in a way, but I just want things done, too.

Glad y'all are doing well.

There is tones to be done but I take baby steps everyday emotions kida dictate how productive I have been in a day.

My husband and I struggle everyday to work through his pain and the consitent lows.

I for the most part feel like I am failing everyday but I wake up every morning and try try again.

Hang in there. Just the fact that you are settling in is a good sign. Trying is not failing. Try to keep that perspective. It IS hard work.

Rocky,

I have talked in the past about where you need to focus.

Have you two taken the time to sit down and do the Emotional Needs Questionnaires? If not, do it, and then exchange the results and talk about them.

This process is worth the time. It really helps you both to look at what kinds of emotional needs you have, what your spouse has, and exactly where you are each doing a great job of meeting needs, and where you can boost your efforts.

Also, it helps you to better understand what needs your spouse sees as the most important to HIM - because it is possible that you "think" you are meeting his needs in the best way, and it might turn out that his needs are different than what you thought.


Also, you might be doing a terrific job, and you are wasting time beating yourself up!



After you do the ENQ, the next thing you can do

is to work and focus on meeting those needs FOR HIM.


As I have said before, once you begin to really focus on his needs, and begin to meet them, you will start to feel much better about yourself as a person,

as well as about your future as a couple.


And HE will begin to climb out of the hole.




Do this. Work the MB Plan.


It takes a few minutes to do. Well worth the time.


SB

How are you Rock?

How goes the recovery?

Glad you are sticking with this Rocky

I know, where else would we go?