Rocky,

Be patient. Continue to comfort, reassure, express your love, but do NOT tell him how much pain YOU are in. He doesn't want to hear it. Your job is to comfort him so he can get through HIS pain. It may take a good long while, so stick with it. Do not get impatient or exasperated with him.

It's fine to be happy and to express that happiness. He needs your smiles so that eventually he can smile again himself.

Rocky,

When we began talking, I told you how to heal your pain.


It goes away when you heal HIS.


Begin by meeting HIS NEEDS.


You will see your pain begin to melt as you meet his needs.


With each act you complete, more of your pain will fade. I swear.


1. Write up your extraordinary precautions.
2. Do the Emotional Needs Questionnaires.

That will give you something to do. As you begin doing the work that it will take to get your marriage and yourself back on track, you will see this come back

and you will see your pain fading.


I promise.


go to work meeting his needs
and working the plan


SB

I have lost my husband forever he says good bye today

what plan do I have for that................?????????????

Oh dear god what do I do!!!!!!!!!!!!!

somethings said and done in life are just unforgivable is all I keep replaying in my head I don't blame him guess I have known all along this was my reality

I want to thank all of you for all that you have done to help save my marriage I wish along with many you could have gotten to see the wife I was before

My husband will still need all of you and your help he has come along way and is still truly one of a kind

I miss all that we had I miss what we were suppose to be he was born to be a dad I am going to give our babies to him so he can help them through what all I have done and so I can't hurt anyone any more

This intire day I have drove around even drove bye our old house many times searching for the answers why god why have I done these things. my husband deserves the best in life and he has made the desicsion to walk away rightfully so

all I can do now is give him our sweet angels and everything else we have

what does this mean for me well one who cares two I sit and think I have nothing life is what you make it well I have made mine nothing litteraly

I have hurt the most important people in my life to the point of no return unforgiveable!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My son today had such a hard day all he wanted was his daddy I had to tell him it was my fault daddy was gone again told him I was sorry but I looked at his face everytime a car drove bye and he jumped up to look out the window yelling daddy and seein his face when he said darn nope

I did this so need to contiue no need feeling sorry right should have thought about that before hand etc etc my reality unbarable as I have made that my husband and little angels reality as well

again I truly thank all of you and plead that you contiue to help my loving husband!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

again thank you all

Rocky - don't give up yet. Strike is riding one helluva rollercoaster of emotions, just like you. I have one suggestion - try to meet him one-on-one, no kids, AND TELL HIM EVERYTHING or at least offer to do that. Then, if he agrees, no half-truths, no trying to spare his feelings, etc. TELL HIM EVERYTHING to the best of your ability, complete and utter disclosure.

That's my advice to you - after all, what have you got to lose?

Andy's right, Rocky - what do you have to lose?

It's your actions Strike is watching. He hears the words you say, but he can't believe them.

I know what it's like to search for answers, to wonder why and how you could have done the things you did. I never thought I was capable of doing the things I did, either. The explanation is really pretty simple, at least it is for me. That part is easy to figure out. A's are textbook. You know this already.

We can't change what has happened. As my H's aunt told us early on, there are do-overs in Hollywood, but not in real life.

Rocky, all you can do is demonstrate your remorse and repentance to Strike. Show him that you are changing. Yes, he deserves to be a father, but you deserve to be a mother also. The children need you both. You can't just abandon them and run away again. If nothing else, you need to stay right where you are at and be the best mother you can be. That's something that no other woman can compete with, and family committment is something you can easily demonstrate to Strike.

Last week my H said some things that pretty much convinced me that he's done. I'm a lot further down the road than you, it's been nearly a year now since finding MB and working the plan. I don't always get it right, but it's the only plan that makes sense to me, and it gives me hope. There truly may be no hope for my sitch, but at least I feel like I've given it an honest effort. Yes, you picked up and moved to be with Strike, but can you truly say you've given it all you've got?

None of us can answer that question for you. Actions, Rocky. Actions. #1, don't let Strike believe you are ready to run away again, ok?

Rocky why did Strike say goodbye today? Is it really because he believes that you are still lying to him?

Trickle truth is NOT acceptable. SO STOP IT. Continuing to lie is what is unforgiveable.

People can forgive almost anything if someone is honest and remorseful. Forgiveness has to be EARNED and it is a process over time... earned through actions.

Rocky,

The emotional rollercoaster you are on


is the same one your husband is on.


The problem is that when your husband goes up, sometimes you do not, and sometimes whe you go up, he might go down, etc.


The two of you need to figure out that ONE of you must stay steady when the other one is being pulled up or down.


YOU are the wayward. YOU have to pull yourself together and stop being a drama queen.


You must gather your emotional self together, get strong, and stop running out the door every time Strike2 has a moment of weakness. When he says he is through trying, you can tell him, "Okay, I will accept that for the moment you are tired of trying. I will stand strong for you now, and we can take a few days so you can recover quietly. Let me know when you are ready to talk again, and I will wait for you."


AND DO NOT ADD TO THE DRAMA, AND DO NOT ADD TO THE ROLLERCOASTER RIDE.


He doesn't need it, you don't need it, and your children do not need it.


Sometimes, the drama just needs to stop. That time - is now.


Your "all or nothing" attitude is killing things. You seem to throw it all away every time there is a little bump in the road, or when S2 has a rough day.


That does not work. You need to fully accept that there will be MANY ROUGH DAYS for him.


Many. And you need to put on your big girl panties and deal with that.


This is not your pity party to have. This is your mess to clean up. Clean it up.


SB

What SB says

Don't write about the drama. Tell us what really happened and why Strike is leaving. People just don't leave on their own.

WHAT REALLY WENT ON? Cut to the chase Rocky.

Ditto, what mess is it that needs to be cleaned up? Then we can help and tell you what to do....

This is why I've asked both him and you....

WHAT IS YOUR PLAN

Where there are no plans there is no hope....

Flying by the seat of your pants is NOT a plan.

You both must have plans because there will be horrible days during recovery, and if you have no plan to get through them you will both quit and restart again and again.


BTW, Where is your NC letter?
Hedging?

Ahhhhh...I know now what went on.

Rocky are you willing to be 100 percent TRANSPARENT to your H? You're gonna have to be transparent in everything you do, say, and in your actions and in your email, voicemail, and snail mail.

Are you hearing me? Do you want your marriage and family or do you want to live life as a tramp does???

Rocky, you aren't allowed to give up this easily. You need to help heal this wound. Even if your BH decides that he doesn't want to attempt marital recovery with you, you owe it to him to become a repentant and former wayward. You owe it to your children, and to yourself.

How are you gonna do that? Well, it won't be by giving up. And how serious is Strike going to take you if you give up this quickly?

Rocky,

Lets get something in the air here; you have amassed a collection of mental and emotional injuries on your husband, and now you are trying to get close to him again.

He ain't gonna be totally happy about it, and it ain't gonna be easy. He is going to keep you at arms length, push you away, and he may even try to run.

Early on, I tried to run. I told FWW ; I think I need to leave for a while, figure this out... Date maybe?"

Her response; "You wanna date? Go ahead. But you WILL NOT leave this home."

Angry and injured as I was, that was NOT a scenario I could live with.

You have to FIGHT, Rocky. Stand firm, stand in the fire that YOU lit, face the pain YOU created. Otherwise he will push you out. PROVE you want to be there, that you want him and only him.

This cannot be done by whimpering and shrinking from difficulties.

Ah I was reading all the responses to Rockys new dilemma , and wondering what happened exactly, so I went back to read what she said

Then I read SBs post., on the way to the end, and it rang true, as I saw it before, to be just what she needed

Oh yeah, like I said before, what SB said, but also rocky, remember the clock is ticking , to that point where you will be alone, where these propl can't help your marrige and having a fit and falling in it won't help you then
Silence and get back on the horse, woman, the barns on fire. Stop being afraid and over reacting, get over yourself, and think about your words and what they mean.

I apologize if on fact you are this dramatic and emotional in real life, and tended to want to end your life over burning toast. I am starting to believe you are not real, or giving your children to S2 might be the best for them, because you are just mentally and emotionally unstable. The kids need at least someone who can ACT like an adult

You won't even do that ACT, when the best playwrights are here directing you.
When you come back crying that fervently about giving up your kids, you are not worth it, all that tripe I think you must have spent some time chained under the house

Maybe you should give the children to strike and go check into a hospital, but don't think they will help you, the real help comes from within, and they can only show you the door, you must walk through it

Good luck in your play, Praying for you

Was it something I said?

Seriuosly, I think you need the center, and to follow DrHs advice explictly.

You can be the kind of person you are proud of Rocky, please try with professionals, for you and your childrens sake, no mstter what happens with strike, you are worth it.

Any updates????

Update

we have moved in to the same house a new house I stay home full time

everyday is exteremly difficult my husband hurts everyday all day long................

I spend my intire day trying to reasure him focusing on his needs but feel like I am failing.

What I have done to my husband and family because of me it's all of our realitys everyday 24hrs a day everything we do there it is.

My hudsband hurts when he wakes up in the morning all day long when I tell him I miss him love him he hurts when he gets home it's the first thing you see on his face

he trys to speed time with me doing things but even when he is trying hard to put on a front his face tells all he doesnt sleep

he doesn't eat much doesn't want to do much and I who caused it can not take it all away for him but everyday is a new day of pain that I keep trying all that I can to atleast deminish I fail and keep trying all day and start all over again everyday

The suggestion has been we talk atleast one hour a day about the affair and what all effects it has had but that's basiclly all we talk about the effects of what I have said and done

is that we talk live breath 24/7.

Who suggested talking about the affair an hour a day? That's not the usual MB practice or advice. You should definitely answer his questions, but at some point, you two need to engage in enjoyable conversations about mutually agreeable topics. Focusing on the mistakes of the past is an enemy of good conversation.

Our D-Day was just before Thanksgiving last year, and it took a long while to learn to live with the fact that my husband caused me so much pain. He has been very remorseful and has worked very hard to meet my emotional needs and get on board with MB concepts.

The genders are switched, and I'm sure that will make a difference, but please try to have fun with your husband during those precious UA hours you two share. Enjoy your time together. Tell him you are sorry, tell him the truth when he asks for it, and then focus on meeting his emotional needs. SF might be difficult for him for a while, but do your best to still touch him and hold him. Tell him you love him and are in love with him. We go over the EPs every month and my FWH is completely in agreement with these.

Recovery is hard work and it takes a minimum of two to five years. Time is against you right now, but eventually it will be in your favor...when the affair is long behind you, and if the marriage is better than it was pre-A....Just Compensation....