I take one second at a time


majority of the time is very difficult he is in lows more than not everything is a trigger well mainly me....

We went on a date Monday night which was wonderful:) we went to the park and pool with our boys over the weekend

sunday was a dificult day for my husband we struggled all that day today is a hard day as well

I like this Rock, your focus is on him, you are prepared to tough it out 'one second at a time' and it gets the payoffs, like the date.. wonderful.

Come here if you need support, 'kay?

Rocky,
Hang in there, just keep saying I will never let you down again........
As time passes things will get better, rebuilding takes time.........
jessi

Nice post Jessi

Yes Rocky, if he asks you why?. You say because I will never do that to myself either.

We know you realise you let yourself down also, and first as a matter of fact, in order to go such a wayward way...

You will find strength in knowing you now love yourelf, and have will continue to by having good boundaries, instead of good rationalizations and excuses.

Taking responsibility for yourself and stating that you are now will help Him heal. Men need to know they are not just enough, but more than enough for thier wives to take care of themselves.

So part, of the answer, is that you learn to love yourself, watch yourself, and guard your heart. Those things do not happen without looking up to a higher authority of Love, and subbmitting to it.

We all need help every day, but the right thought habits still have to be learned and practiced.

Can you think of anything better to do with your life?

Trust in the plan, good feelings follow good actions, and trust in the Man upstairs

Glad you are working at recovery.

What are you doing to help him when he triggers? Please be very detailed and specific, that way we may be able to give suggestions that can help both of you.

Rocky,

How are you guys doing?

still majority of the time is low with a few good moments

majority of the time is low

Low...quiet? Low...weepy? Low...angry?

Yep, all of those will cycle many times as you and S2 decide on the substance and form of your new marriage. And be assured, it will be a new marriage, with new understandings, new expectations, and new accomodations.

a few good moments

The goal is move the indicators of "good moments" in a set period from "rare", to "few", to "some", to "occasional", to "frequent", to "ongoing", to "continuous".

Work the program, maximise the UA time, and enjoy the opportunity.

quiet yes he lives on this website
angry yes he always has been it's just part of who he is
as long as I have known him he has been mad about something

Ofcourse always my fault though I have done said didnt do didnt say to cause him to be mad

weepy not that I see

he says I just need to do a better job so guess I gotta try harder

Rocky,

Do you have Lovebusters from Dr. Harley? I encourage you to read that book. We cannot change the other person; we can only change ourselves?

The above quoted are disrespectful judgments. My thought is to try and turn them around to see if you can better handle the situation. The thinking is dangerous to your marriage.

Instead of saying, "angry yes he always has been it's just part of who he is
as long as I have known him he has been mad about something ..."

May I suggest a change in thoughts?

My husband is still very angry. AO's are what drained my love bank prior to my adultery. I am struggling to get him to realize this is draining me again. How can I get him to stop the AO's. I know it says, "Just stop it!" In our situation it isn't happening.

Now we posters can help you solve this issue. My suggestion if you are feeling his anger is to see if he can journal the anger, and the thoughts he is having at the moment. Then pick a time and place to discuss what he wrote. That way if there are things you are doing that trigger his anger, then you can POJA how to resolve. This gives him a safe place to speak the truth to you, and it allows you to hear his honesty without your own AO's/DJ's.

Does this seem like an option?

We can work with Strike to really understand how he needs to change the AO's, or your marriage is likely not going to be saved. Can you ask him to post here about the AO's?

Rocky,

I asked your H to have you give this one last try. I am hoping we can give you some real help and hope.

Can I ask what plan you are working towards recovery?

This is an endurance race, where the winner is the one who perseveres. What you are going through is *normal for recovery*. We all went through it from one side or the other.

You have some unique and difficult challenges ahead of you. Divorce will certainly make life worse for both of you and your family.

You have the unique and difficult challenge of helping your H heal from the damage you have caused. This should be your life's work, your vocation, your calling in life.

It is difficult because you are both the one who injured and the one who is helping to heal, but with determined effort, you can do this. Focus on the UA time. Make it something great. picnics, walks in the park.

This stuff doesn't happen automatically. You are working to shift Strike's focus off of himself and on the M.

This will require careful planning... Maybe even scripting your events for a while. You are in the "proving phase", where you are going to have to give up more sleep than you thought possible, more affection than you think you might have. You will have to truly die to yourself so that Strike can live.

Comfort is not an option in recovery. Give him the chance and let him heal. No DJ's, no AO's even if you feel he deserves them.

What do you say? can you list the plan? Want to keep trying?

CV

Rocky, I've been reading your thread and Strike's thread from the beginning, and I'm really pulling for you. Strike has been seeming very discouraged on his thread, and I just wanted to come on here and offer you a bit of encouragement.

I know that broken and I haven't recovered our M, and as days pass and our separation continues, it's doubtful that it will ever happen, but I am determined that it won't be because I gave up on him. Yes, he (or any other BS) could say - and broken HAS said to me - "you gave up on me the second you gave yourself to OM". Hard to argue with that, isn't it? But ask yourself these questions:

What is a good M worth? What is your M worth? What is it worth to you to fight to win and keep the heart of a good man? What is it worth to you to be a whole, intact family, with you, Strike, and the boys under one roof?

You came back across the country for him, so I think you have already answered them.

Strike says he has had problems with AO's. Anger is completely normal and to be expected. You can't control his AO's, but you can control how you respond. If Strike can commit to control his AO's, and you can commit to staying, you have a fighting chance at this.

And trust me, I know that being on the receiving end of AO's hurts. I know it hurts to sit there and look at the state of your M and feel miserable, and to only have yourself to blame. But the hurt you feel is nothing compared to the pain and the betrayal that Strike feels. Reminding yourself of that can help you to control your actions toward Strike and your reactions to Strike.

Rocky, one of the difficult parts of trying to recover for the WS is to let go of any expectations. It's hard to keep the Giver in the forefront constantly, and make our Takers shut up. If the M recovers, then that dynamic won't last forever. If the M recovers, you will have a mutually satisfying relationship where both yours and Strike's ENs are met, and both your Givers and your Takers will be happy.

I know it gets discouraging. Been there. Still go there. You have this place to come to when you get discouraged, and the folks here will pick you back up and give you a push in the right direction. They have done that for me, many times over. You'll quickly notice that here is probably the only place you'll find support for recovering your M. The "real world" doesn't get it...friends, family, therapists, often they are looking out for you, and what they believe are your best interests - i.e., they see you sad and miserable and think that the "easy fix" is to walk away from your M. Popular culture/media tends to support the "disposable" M as well. "Follow your heart!" talk show hosts advise us, which is a sure-fire recipe for leaving devastation in your wake.

No - Rocky, LEAD YOUR HEART. Lead your heart to what you know is right, honorable, and good. Over and over on my thread I heard, "Time and patience." Let that be your mantra. Come here when you need encouragement to keep fighting for your M.

Hi Rocky,

I just want to offer my support too. It cannot be easy, but I thought moving across the country to save your marriage showed what you are made of.

Is it worth getting MB counselling or an online marriage coach? It could be easier with someone to show the way......

Rocky, I have been following your thread to see how you are doing.

Please do not get overwhelmed, and come here to talk, because it might help you get definition.

Its not over yet, and you are winning the fight, because you are staying in it. Remember that and I am so glad you made the move.

God will bless you if you stick to the plan. Regaurdless.

Hi Rocky,

Checking on you girl, just letting you know that recovery is a tough road but we are all here for you to vent and cry..............
Each day makes you a little stronger and a little closer to the life you want......
Stay with it...........
jessi

She apparently is back with POSOM. *sigh*

So OM was no catch before, you discovered it didnt live up to the dream and so you went back home. You were very lucky to be allowed back in.

But guess what, there were consequences to face at home. There was work to be done. You had to be able to look at your own mistakes and say 'I did that and I will not stop until I have undone that'.

I suppose that was too hard.

Well now you have your well earned reward in the form of OM. Good luck making a life with a man who doesnt measure up and who schemes on married women.

Rocky,

I am so sorry to see that you have quit the right thing. So much of your postings make so much more sense. You weren't depressed over making Strike feel bad or over what you had done, but because you weren't getting your way. You were soooo close to entering the path to recovery, happiness, hope, joy, and peace. Instead you have chose to enter into a 'dream' where you think things will be so much freer, so much easier, so much happier.

The truth is, Rocky, it isn't a dream. It's a nightmare. It is another layer of complications, sins, emotional baggage. It is a life where you can never fully trust OM. Hey, hey cheated with you, why should he be faithful when you become comfortable to him? You have zero reason to trust him.

The truth is, he will never trust you. no matter what you say. no matter how long you are together, there will always be a little lingering doubt whispering in his ear. Telling him "she cheated on her husband, she'll cheat on you. She left me once, she will do it again."

But again, maybe this isn't your concern. Maybe you are just using OM to get away from your terribly boring life, and plan on staying just long enough to not be called a user...

One day, you may meet someone else. What will you do then? Tell the truth to him and wonder if he could ever really love you and trust you fully knowing you used two men for your own selfish pleasures and purposes? Maybe you will lie. Another layer. Then you are forced to live with a terrible secret. A secret that will gnaw at you for days, months, years... One that will slowly make you more miserable than ever.

One that will destroy any relationship you have in the future.

I fell sooo much for you. Strike will recover and move on. He will eventually find happiness and security and hope again. But I worry for you strike. There is no Cinderella ending for this. Only despair.

It is a kind of suicide. Slow, cruel, and unforgiving. I pray that you will read this, turn the car around and make things right.

I pray that you come to your senses and see that you are destroying yourself, your kids and everyone you come in contact with. Just go home.

CV

"So much of your postings make so much more sense. You weren't depressed over making Strike feel bad or over what you had done, but because you weren't getting your way."

QFT.