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Originally Posted by Rockydugan
well my husband has decided that its just to easy for him to go back an pretend that I never called him about making our marriage work. Apparently nothing I say or could ever do will be what he needs. says I will never understand his pain and he can jut pretend I never called him.


idk even what to say

Rocky

I am in between running errands. Don't know what to say either at the moment...

Thought from what you posted us everything was hopeful and a plan was coming together

Maybe he is crashed in a low of the roller coaster with all this and all the feelings are catching up to him? Now wheres my mind readers hat........

Be back later. Hang in there...

nESRE




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Rocky,

I think I told my DH about a million times that I didn't know if I could ever get past it or if we were going to make it.

We did make it ... because he didn't give up on me.





ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

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I came after WH with the bloodiest angry outbursts in history. I was Jekyl and Hyde.

WH did not give up on me. That is what I needed. To see him fight.

Don't give up. Close that geographical distance between you.


ME: BW
HIM: FWH
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DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

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Originally Posted by Rockydugan
and yes he is the one that says nothing I say or do is good enough! I change my contact info quitting my job selling everything in the house renting the house moving to him not working when I get there giving him access to everything I have no friends or family there so he knows I will not talk or see anyone all he said was it helps a little bit but............................................

I know I am a horrible person for the things I have done
I know I deserve all of this I am not trying to through myself a pitty party at all just have know to express my feelings to

I try to express myself to my husband but my pain is apples his is oranges there is no compareison he just says sorry if your hurting but we are talking apples and oranges and we go right in to

all of the horible things I have done

Rocky, I know the pain the WS experiences. Believe me, it's a misery all its own, made worse by the fact that it was entirely your own doing.

My firm belief is that the right thing for a truly repentant former wayward to do when trying to recover a marriage is, essentially, anything and everything. You really do go all in. Hold nothing back. Make a genuine, honest effort to right your wrongs - even if your BH isn't supportive of your recovery, there are a million things you can be doing on your side of the street to improve the marriage, improve yourself, and try to compensate for your betrayal.

I know it's hard, especially when the BS is having a "down" day, (to put it mildly). And I know how easy it is to focus on your own pain then, especially when you recognize and own the fact that you are the source of your spouse's unhappiness. The trick is learning to rise above that. (I am still learning this - it's rarely easy!) Look beyond yourself, look past your pain, and look at what your BH is telling you, look at your plan, and continue working your side of the street.

It's possible, it really is. It's just not easy.


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Originally Posted by pokerface
Rocky,

I think I told my DH about a million times that I didn't know if I could ever get past it or if we were going to make it.

We did make it ... because he didn't give up on me.

Yes, exactly. Rocky, don't give up on your BH or your M. Through all of the lows, (and there will be many, be forewarned): Don't. Give. Up.


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I don't give up on him or the fight I know my feelings are nothing to speak of I try to stay strong while talking to him I deal with my pain every second of the day alone.

I love and miss my husband I will spend the rest of my life TRYING to right the all the wrongs I have done I just truely feel a life time won't take away his pain.

Sorry that I vented didn't want anyone to think I was being insensitive to my husband and his feelings.

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He says I am doing all these tings and could devote my life to taking care of him and his needs but he doesn't think he is the type to ever get over it so I am going to do all of this and he very well may come home one day and Just leave me anyways.

I told him that I understood and that he had evey right to feel the way he does and he shouldn't spend the rest of his life that way. There is nothing I can ever do to take it back EVER!!

I guess the plan now is for me to do the things I am suppose to do clean up my side of the street and wait for that day to come and just be thankful for the days I get in between.

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Right on Rocky.

In this fight - you are playing he role of the murderer who is trying to bring the murdered back to life.

Stick with it and follow the good advise from the veterans that have been down this road.

You and your husband can recover. Follow the steps Dr Harley has prescribed. You probably will never have the same relationship before you strayed - you will build a new and improved stronger relationship.

Good Luck - I pray for you, Strike and your boys.



Me - 46
Wife - 43
2 x DD
Married 18 yrs - known each other for 22 yrs
Woke up 12/2009 and realized I was an idiot for neglecting my WIFE!
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Rocky, what's going on here?
I hear OM is still in the picture. I heard you spoke with him.
You do NOT EVER speak with him again. "Over" means "over." "No contact" means "no contact." Like I told you before: Do yourself & your husband a BIG favor and take a shortcut. GET this, now. If there is some part of "no contact for life" that you don't understand, then say so, and we'll help you.

It's good that you changed your phone #, and it's great that you changed it again -- I want you to understand I'm not bashing you for trying -- but you can't stop there. OM is obviously not getting the message. He is a danger to your marriage, now as much as ever, and you must get away from him.

I heard he came to your house to pick up some stuff. Why is any of his stuff still there? Wasn't it supposed to be gone days ago? Why haven't you dumped it out on the curb?

Why haven't you gotten yourself out of there? If not to Strike2's then to someplace near Strike2, far from OM?

I don't want to hear how you feel, what you fear, or anything about you. I want to hear what else you're doing to protect your husband's feelings & assuage his fears.


Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Rocky

If all of Om's stuff is out of the house then if he comes back simply call the police to visit with him and let them inform him he is not welcome and Rocky will press tresspassing charges if need be.

If some of his stuff is there inform a neutral third party (anyone but you) he needs to pick it up outside the house between the hours of X and Y or it will be in the trash or donated.
This is you and S2'.s house. He is not welcome to come in anytime he feels like.

Rocky maintains N/C.
Also with the phone I believe if the police are called because he just shows up - if OM persists you could show them call records off the phone and harrassment charges may be able to be made.

If anything Its a step up to show S2 you will protect what you have going so far.

This is breaking no contact. Holes have to be plugged so S2 feels safe.

Is there anyway you 2 can get together soon?

nESRE


M 29 yrs
DS 28 DD 18
Me 53 FWH FBS
MTA signed 5/11/2011
D final 5/16/2011

Free.... and going wherever the big guy wants me to go......
nesre #2526208 07/07/11 09:26 PM
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Rocky, your BH sounds in no way like he's done. Even after you broke contact w/ the OM.

For the record, even if it's OM who initiates the contact, the moment you see it/read it/respond to it, you have violated Rule #1 in recovering from an affair. No matter what, you do not break contact! You see what happened w/ your BH (and you, don't forget) after NC was broken? You guys lose ground that you've worked so hard to gain!

GloveOil and nesre have given you options for how to deal w/ the next time OM attempts to break contact. Please read the thread on EPs - I will bump it for you, and will post it here.

Rocky, please continue educating yourself re: the MB program. Please read through other threads and concepts - I know I feel more prepared knowing what to expect from others' experience, and reading threads on here has helped me immensely.

And continue loving on your BH - even after this latest dip, he still seems firmly in the recovery camp! hurray


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Rocky, remember, everytime that you break NC, you set YOURS and YOUR BHs recovery clock back to ZERO. IS it worth the risk? Also, a FR(false recovery) is more harmful to a BS than the original A. Please, don't put him through a FR, he may not be willing to recover with you after that. Remember that the next time OM tries to break NC.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

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The om did get my new number blew it up I said nothing
finally all I responded was I am with my husband working on my marriage

Do not contact me he cuntinued blowing up my phone
each time I called my husband to tell him what all was going on

He did show up to the house I opened the door sat his box on the step he started yelling but I was in the house before I heard what he was trying to say

I locked the door an called my husband I changed my number again an only gave it to my husband my mother an my boss

Since I haven't heard a word

The only reason I am not closer to my husband is waiting for a place to live an clerification on the house being rented

I know my husband was hurt an angery when I immediatly called him with the situation but I felt it was important for me to call an tell him


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Originally Posted by Scotland
Rocky, remember, everytime that you break NC, you set YOURS and YOUR BHs recovery clock back to ZERO. IS it worth the risk? Also, a FR(false recovery) is more harmful to a BS than the original A. Please, don't put him through a FR, he may not be willing to recover with you after that. Remember that the next time OM tries to break NC.

Listen to them Rocky,

Scotland thank you for posting this, its a reminder for me that promises made after WW first recovery were not backed up with action, and I got what I deserved putting all my eggs in that basket.

You can do this Rocky, and any contact with POSOM will hurt your BH, even if you were to tell OM off, and punch him in the nose.

BH is a man, and although I know my late Ws OMs were dirt, and I am and will allways be a better man than those scumbags, us men have only one sure way we can be sure they are gone and I still would like to end her last OMs life, for feeding her drugs.

BH is your husband, and he cannot make you do anything, but even talking to this POSOM is off limits, you can't change that OM violated the most sensitive part of the connection between H and W. To BH it is just like you did it again, you caved to OMs desire.

Trust me, you can rebuild this, but it will take time and demonstrated action from you. You might not think its true now, but in time you will be thankful you listened to all these people. It will be the best thing you ever did to help yourself.

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I just want nothing more than to be with my husband
if I were there he would know what I was doing who I was talking to

He could see idw Any contact I am taking extrodinary measures to provent contact

He would be able to see I love him that I am truly sry I want to move there right now an if it was possible that's excally what I would do

I miss my husband I talked to him before he went to bed talked about when we first met an our first dance kiss date told him how much I miss an love him!!

If om makes any attemps to contact the police is the only route I have I don't want my husband hurting more because the om won't stop trying to make contact!

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Thank you Rocky

Your last post made me smile laugh

neESRE

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Originally Posted by Rockydugan
The om did get my new number

You have an intelligence hole, or you gave it to him.

Which was it?

How did he get the new number?


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
nesre #2526282 07/07/11 11:58 PM
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Dont be discouraged Rocky, I had every reason to stay away from my late wife and divorce her, and that was my plan, straight up for two years, yes even though I loved her, and I had to force it out of my head, every time I wanted to give her another chance. I was just to damaged at the time.

But my life and sitch was different, but in onw way they were the same, the reason I was so angry, was that I still loved her.

My wife pursued me with everything, she slowed down her drinking to a crawl, and found counsel, much like this place, to help her get herself under control. She took responsibility for herself, and apoligized profusely, and I was a bull raging for a couple years, using another women and making myself sick, right where it hurt me, in my heart.

It took two years, just like they say in MB, for the revenge affair to die. It makes no difference why I got together with another girl in six mos after leaving WW. It still was an affair, based on entitlment, anger, and selfishness. It made no difference that I was ab-so-lut-ly done with my WW, and I had told her kindly to move on, she would do fine with someone else, I must not be the man for her. It was still an affair, no excuses.

She would not accept that, and until she saw the divorce papers, I was her husband. She did not have MB back in 1987, but she had her pastor and church, and a few freinds she could count on to keep her honest. If she had went to AA I probably would have come home faster, but regardless, even after tons of fights when I would come see the kids for thier sake, I walked away wishing I had never met her.

When after two years I finnally had to deal with what I was doing, the free ride I was getting from the girl I was seeing, the viciuosness of using her as I licked my wounds and restored my ego because someone "wanted me", and sure, that was different at the time, but still reeked of insecurity. I had to ask myself where do I belong? My WW was still out of the question, but I still spent time there with the kids, and we started to talk more, and I tested the waters. Eventually she convinced me that she had changed, and would fight for her marriage to me.

Now I wish we had MB then, or DR Hs books, or someone as wise as he is in preventing false recoverys, but there was a time of opportunity, a short window, where we could have negotiated anything, including her sobriety.

But for the next two years, it was a new life, and that spark alone kept us going until her death in 2009. My children got to know her when she was well, and they knew she loved them very much then, and she loved me also for awhile.

So stay strong, you are allready doing well, but your husband needs you to help him heal, and it might take a long time. Its important for you to know he is man, and doesn't react like you do, and this has been as heavy of a blow any man who loves his wife could ever take. It shakes us to our core, and brings in all kinds of fear and reactions, takes away our confidance, and our reason to do anything anymore.

Keep telling you you love him and get out to where he is ASAP. Stay determined, faithful, and understanding, and shower him with affection. Let him get moody and talk about it with him if he will, and for your sake and all, follow the MB way, and never give up, even when it hurts.

There is an answer

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I think he got it from work that's why when I changed it again only 3ppl have it

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