You shouldn't cause at this juncture it would fuel their relationship. It would be them against you even more. You would be shooting yourself in the foot. You don't need THAT.
She knows lots of things that you want to tell her already anyway (that she is blanking another woman's H, that your kids are now in a fractured family, that your H isn't really a catch.....she knows that deep inside somewhere).

Protect yourself legally, be above reproach as a woman and step out of the way of the mess your WH is in. Have nothing to do with it or OW.

I do think that your H is the issue here. He has a lot of stuff to work out inside him.

In an AOA suit you have to prove that the breakup really was the new person and that things were great before. I can say that 2010 was a rough year for us, I agree with readin gthat its mainly him... I know that sounds horrible... but here I was struggling along trying to keep up with 4 kids, and what he mainly did was lay in bed until it was time to go to work (he worked evenings) complaining he is tired despite having slept all night while I took care of the baby and then sleeping most of the morning since he worked the evening, and of course, he would complain there wasn't enough sex, we were both exhausted, it was a HARD year.

And of course now that we are getting to where we could all get more sleep and sex and such, he is gone.

I really don't think I could win an alienation of affection suit.

My main way that I can apply pressure to the affair right now is through MONEY.... his dad said the other day that my husband said he doesn't have any money right now so he cant give us any (my in laws are asking him for $$ I didn't ask them to, but they are)...

If he thinks he doesn't have money NOW....

I am praying hard for justice on August 11th at the court date for support. That will affect things greatly. The kids and I need the money, and the more I get from him the less he has for the affair.

I hae no idea what happens with divorces. Can any of you tell me? I am supposed to respond by tomorrow, I assume the lawyer is taking care of that. I don't know how you respond? I assume you don't just say "no thanks" ? But.... is there a way I can drag out the divorce to take as long as possible?

I know that my money issues are ugly. However, we are not near bankruptcy. We are very old fashioned with money and have no debt except for the house, and one student loan (his). To declare bankruptcy we would have to not pay the bills for a while. It isn't at that point now... and I hope it doesn't get there.

Debt is evil and I always avoid it.

By the way this is my second lawyer because I didnt think the first one wanted to help me.

Thank you I needed to hear this.

Mehr,

I don't remember if you're in the States or Canada, but if you are in the states, please look into the "displaced homemaker" program for various types of assistance through that program. Esp since you have no financial support at this time and you are waiting on a CS hearing. A few years ago, there was $$$ for gas vouchers and other necessities for displaced homemakers. I'm not sure what's available in the current economic crisis, but please consider speaking to someone (knowledgeable) in financial aid at your school or you can go online and find out what your state offers.

I understand your wanting to follow the atty's advice with AoA. In so many states and provinces, there is no fault for A. The family and financials just get divided in half and everyone is expected to move forward as if nothing happened. My state is like that.

Keep on doing that dark plan b. That's the best thing you can do right now.

An OW should get only two pieces of communication: a copy of the PBL, and an original of the NC letter. Anything else is a waste of time.

Don't wrestle with a pig. You get muddy, and it makes the pig happy.

(Apologies to pigs.)

With all due respect to you, I think you're missing the point on this.

Your attorney can pursue this AOA regardless of whether you can win or not. Your attorney needs to know that your goal is to bring an end to the affair and to restore your M. He may jump on it easily and actually enjoy filing it. The costs to you may be minimal or may be nothing at all, but you won't know unless you ask, will you

The AOA will cause the OW to need to lawer up and will cost her a great deal of money just to seek counsel..... This will COST her.... Finally something that will get in HER back pocket and cause stress in her schedule....

The best part is after she lawers up and spends some time and money, you can always drop the case prior to depositions if your attorney thinks it's a waste of time at that point. But just filing is VERY inexpensive.... Ain't that beautiful!!!

It's all about "The Art Of War"

AND she will know that she has to get up on the stand, swear to testify to tell the truth, and then be GRILLED about her hoe-ness.

So a couple weeks ago, WH deposited a trite amount into my account. Then today he deposited the same amount. It appears that is how much he thinks he will be paying me. It is ridiculously low!!! I pray he is wrong. I can't wait for that court date and I pray for justice.... I can't believe all that he is putting us through.

Every time I start thinking about the money in particular, I start really hating him. I have no way to care for everyone, there is no job I can get that would offset the cost of childcare, and he seems to think he will be giving me just this small amount. I can see what he's calculating from, it would be the 40% child support based on the smallest amount he makes, when he gets no overtime. But he makes WELL OVER that on a regular basis because he gets overtime, he gets holidays, he told me originally he would never take the money because it would hurt the kids and now he is putting me in this position where I can't care for anyone

I am hoping to get alimony AND child support, and it'd be even nicer if he would pay half of my child care costs.

I just got off the phone with my lawyer. She said i will most likely get backdated child support to when I filed, and that they take into account what he has made on a regular basis over the past few years so even if he cuts back his hours in an attempt to pay a lower amount, it won't work. Stuff like that. I hope that court day is a day of reckoning when he actually has to face what he is doing. I think this trite amount of "support" is part of his fantasy. He thinks he will just have to pay this small amount, keep the rest for himself and his new life, and everything will be great.

Hang in there Mehr,
This is why there are courts of law to make people accountable for their actions.
When is the court date, soon?
People who have affairs live in the fantasy world, they really don't do the math or figure out the details of their lives, they are usually the ones that lose the most.....
wait it out Mehr........
stay dark when the s**t hits the fan.
jessi

Mehr,
Your WS is dreaming.
He will be paying a % for each child which adds up significantly, potential alimony (at least 3 years or up when you finsih your degree)
1/2 of all medical costs on top of the CS for each child including braces
Paying insurance for the children if you don't have any.

Hang tight till the case and try to get by with the little he gives you because he will have to pay back support from when papers are served.

You can't argue with a wayward because they have no soul when going through this. Be still and pray.

It will work out.

{{{{{Mehr}}}}} Keep us posted how this works out in court. I pray the judge will rule in your favor.

Loving your thread, only half way through, but feel a lot of similarities between my WH and yours.

It gave me some much need Plan B strength yesterday and today.

My WH was hostile and aggressive too, also the stuff about him being quite blatant was also there. After exosure he cried one time I knew he wasnt there, I was listening in on a VAR.

The most striking similarity for me though, was yours rolling ver to sleep when you confronted. Mine did the same, I was aghast as I hadnt been able to sleep in days.

Just wanted to say think you are amazing!

Our 4 year old daughter has been waking at night and screaming and kicking the wall and yelling things like "I want daddy to come home!!!!" ... and "I don't want other kids to use our daddy!!!" she is not doing very well and I need to get her in counseling.

I am going to have the IM inform him about how our daughter is doing. He needs to hear it, even if he denies it, because he seems to think this is all just a fun playdate and the kids like her.

Oh, mehr, I'm so sorry about your children. I don't post much to your thread, but I always keep up with your situation. You're about my daughter's age and your children are about the same ages as my grandchildren, so I think of your situation as though it was my daughter. Absolutely heart-breaking.

Please don't imagine that your WH is going to be too moved by the information about your 4-year-old. It's unimaginable how terribly self-centered waywards become. He is likely to think you're making it all up. Maybe not, but don't get your hopes up that it will change anything.

Do you have parents or family nearby who you could either move in with or gets lots of emotional and familial support through this? I just can't imagine trying to get through this on my own, especially with the difficulty the children are having. Not everyone has great parents but it might be worth considering. If it was my daughter, I'd want her very near by to give lots of support and love, even though it's not the same as having Daddy.

I'm sorry your baby girl is hurting. I don't think you should relay this message through your IM because you are setting yourself up for more disappointment. Even if he responds, YOU shouldn't be told what he says. That's why you're in Plan B. If anything, I would comfort her as best as you can, document it, and try to get her some counseling through the United Way or some other organization.

I agree with PM 100%

DO NOT tell wayward husband ANYTHING going on in your home. If he is as whacked as I was, he will document it as way to establish your inability to parent these children and may even attempt to fight you for custody as a result.

Most attempts to reason with a wayward will backfire, they are whacked while wayward!

Stay Dark, No Communication will have better results than anything else you can think of.

Mehr,

From what I can see of your Plan B..... It's not dark enough!

You are still allowing your wayward husband and his AP to control your emotions. The desired outcome of Plan B is to level out the emotional rollercoaster and give you some peace.

You will need this time of peace to draw from in the very near future regardless of whether your wayward husband returns to the marriage or not.

I'm truly sorry your little ones are struggling so....

Mehr, hate to say I agree with the others. When my DD was having all kinds of issues and taking her to a counselor, I thought XH would be horrified and jump in.

Instead he whined a little and never went to see the counselor like what was suggested and out of that therapy DD decided she did not want to see XH.

Because your daughter is 4 and that your DD is on his insurance I would have the IM inform him that your daughter will be going to a counselor, therapist or family clinic with no explanation. If he asks why give him the phone number of the facility you are using. Let him figure it out.

And don't listen to any counselor who will tell you to accept the OW to make it easier for D. Find a Christian counselor who will build her faith.

Blessings