Bumping up, know it is the weekend and slow traffic but really tempted to ring husband and want to know other's thoughts... my willpower is weakening!!!

Don't do it, Cara. Sit on your hands til the temptation has passed. You will look pathetic to him. Stand strong, woman.

Hi Caracal, it might not hurt to give him a call just to keep you on his mind. Can you conjure an excuse to call him? If you do, be as pleasant as possible, keep it under 10 minutes and you be the one to end the call.

As far as what to do with the OW's facebook page, there is not much you can do if her friends are not showing. CAn you find any information about her parents? If so, I would just gather that information and be ready in case this is the RIGHT woman.

Well ML, I am glad to see I am not the only one who changes mind... LOL! Thanks again for the advice, I have not rung yet, but might text instead as I can see your point that it will come across as rather desperate (which I am but guess he doesn't need to know that).

Regarding Facebook, I have taken on board some of the advice on snooping forum, and have set up a fake account. This has allowed me to access suspected OW's page, although she still has privacy settings that don't allow me to see her wall or friends. But determined that I am, I have looked at some pics of hers, and then gone through the names tagged to find out her brother, sister-in-law and several friends. I have also googled well and found out her mother's name, which has confirmed electoral roll info on her parents. I can get the address from electoral roll but number not listed. Parents don't seem to be on Facebook. I am pretty proud of my efforts, I am a Facebook dummy! But all of this effort does not allow me to do anything without confirming if it is actually this woman... the frustration is killing me!!!

Good job on super sleuthing! Did you save all these names in a file?

All written in my detective notes! I have now even got the parents address (which according to electoral roll she lives at). Now if only I could confirm it is actually her... exposure at this point would be sweet! Okay, that sounds a bit revengeful, but I really want my husband back!

I have text him. Hope no LB's involved, it is very hard to avoid these but I am trying. Please give feedback as to whether these texts are LB'ing or meeting any EN's... I am really trying to change my ways...

Me: "How are you? I guess you are too angry? scared? guilty? to talk, so I will text instead. Please send health letter to me, I really need it. Have you had any luck selling car? Is it on ad? Can I help? Lastly, thought you should know my mum is having test for cancer , I will let you know result. Meanwhile, thinking of you and the love we shared".

Husband responded to the point, just saying he was okay, was sorry to hear about mother and will ring in next couple of days (maybe...). He signs off with the "take care" that I have been getting since the seperation, hard to take after having such romantic texts from him whilst together.

Me: "Thanks for sending that letter. I appreciate your effort with the car, Africa and lion tracking really took its toll! xx"

Given my only means of communication at this point that he is responding to is texting, how am I doing? Suggestions from all please!

Anyone got some feedback on the above post? I am still waiting for SAA and HNHN to arrive and would welcome criticism and advice!!! He text he might ring yesterday (he didn't) or today "maybe" and I am trying to be as prepared for conversation as possible... but then he also may not ring and just leave me strung out! Whoever said it was the WS who had the addiction for OP, I think BS's also have it (or I certainly do!)

Hi Caracal, I missed your post. I would be sure and let him be the one to initiate contact so it does not come across as chasing him. And when he does call, be very pleasant, but be BUSY and end the call in a couple of minutes. You should be the one to end it. Ok?

You are doing great!

Okay Melody, I followed your instructions and he rang last night... I actually missed the call, so rang him back after half an hour and it disconnected so he rang back immediately (where he lives has very bad service).

So here is what we discussed. I said it was nice to hear his voice, we spoke about my mother, and our car that he is trying to fix. He said he will need time to get the car fixed and sold for the price he wants, so does not sound as though he is in any hurry to return to Australia. He said he has sent me my doctor letter I needed and that he had been a "bit slack as other things on mind". This took all of five minutes, when I said I had to go as I was off to the cinema, he did not ask who with but then said he thought we needed to have a "discussion about things" which I said would be nice at another time. He says he now has phone credit as he had been too busy to get any, and will ring "sometime". He finished with telling me to enjoy the movie.

Melody, was I right to end conversation when he was willing to "discuss"?

I am now really worried that the next phone call will be more lies, telling me I am delusional about affair etc. I also worry that I am not meeting any EN's in conversations. Reflecting on the phone call, I realise I talk too much, I get so anxious about our contact that I don't really let him say much and I need to slow down. Any tips for how to do this(other then taking valium, lol!) Also, this contact makes me get such soaring hope from so very very little, and I worry about how this is not following Plan A about my EN's not being met. I seem to be able to read something positive out of nothing, if that makes sense. Is that normal? I need to prepare myself for the next conversation that I deep down know is not likely to go well so I don't LB my heart out.

Please anyone, suggestions, feedback and support needed for my feeble Plan A!

Caracal, you did great!! Remember, the goal here is for your conversations to be as pleasant as possible. For that reason, I would do your best to DISTRACT him from any unpleasant discussions, such as denying his affair. You don't even want to go there because it will ruin your phone call. nononnonooono

So if he goes there, just say, "ummm, ok." and then try and change the subject to something PLEASANT. "Did you see the new Harry Potter movie??" JUST GET HIM TALKING about something enjoyable and interesting. See, it does not matter what he says about his affair unless he is confessing. Otherwise it is just meaningless fogbabble that will just make you mad. No reason to listen to that!

If he is persistant, just say "I don't really want to talk about all that serious stuff now."


Slow down! Change the shift of the conversation to 80/20 if you can get him talking. Focus on being quiet and listening.

AND.... make up a list of open ended questions [designed to get him talking] about subjects he likes. For example, say something like "what were your thoughts about Secretariat winning the Kentucky Derby?"

Put a TIMER next to the phone and set it for 10 minutes when he calls. At the end of 10 minutes, tell him "I am so sorry to have to cut this short, but I have plans and need to let you go. I have enjoyed our talk so maybe we can continue some other time?"

Pleasant, pleasant, pleasant!

Thanks for the reassurance Melody... although you say the conversations should be "pleasant", I find it is like a game of chess where we are each trying to anticipate the next one's move... like we are totally disconnected from each other. Have other's felt the same?

Also, should I text in ersponse to the call to encourage further contact or just let it go and return to the waiting game?

I say let it go! You don't want to chase. He should be the one to initiate contact.

It is somewhat like a game of chess, except it is not a game, it is a strategy. You need to remember you are dealing with someone who has the mentality of a falling down drunk. He has no plan, you do. He is high on the addiction of an affair. You are being STRATEGIC.

Melody, you have given me a sense of empowerment, and for that I have to say big thanks! You are right, I am the one with the strategy, and I can control my own action / words, although I must admit I do struggle when I have so little contact! It is almost like he is in Plan B.

A pathetic update... he text me the night of the last phone call "Hi, give me a text when it suits for you to take a call from me in the coming days. May not be able to call due to work but will try. Take care." I waited a day before responding, then text back "Fingers crossed for you with fixing the car today. I am home tonight if it suits, xx".

Guess what... he didn't call. He had the day off to take the car to the mechanic, I am now imagining all sorts of twisted stuff like it was probably OW's day off too, they are probably in our car doing all sorts of things that cheaters do (although he was having a good time getting me to do this in a car when he was back in Australia!)

I have been thinking a lot about my Plan A. And strategy. So far I am not really concentrating on me being a better me for myself, it is all about trying to win husband back... I know my faults in contributing to where husband was in position to have affair, and that I need to change these (and am trying despite little contact). I feel desperate to find out the truth of this affair and who OW is and a lot of my focus is on this. How did others progress with concentrating on themselves in Plan A, was it just time and effort?

Another thing... I am feeling stronger in myself (although still have some very dark dark moments) and I still want to save our marriage. My boss had a chat with me this week, and I explained marriage in difficulty, he suggested if I need any time off to just let him know and he will keep position open. This was like a weight off my shoulders, and I started seriously thinking about going to London to Plan A and snoop. This will be very difficult for me, I hate conflict! But I really want to be able to think I did everything to save my marriage (although I must admit there is also hope that I may win him back, very not Plan A I know). I am also not even sure he will let me get my foot in the door and I have nowhere else to stay, so it may appear too desperate? Have I left this too late... it is now 6 weeks since he got back to London.

If I did go my plan of attack would be to Plan A my heart out, snoop, expose OW to family and before leaving give Plan B letter. I need as much feedback as I can get about whether it is a good idea to go to London and how I can best pull it off if I do go!!! Calling all vets!!!

Good for you for waiting a day to respond!!

The next time he texts and asks to call, let him know that you have "plans" on that night and to give you a try next week sometime. Busy girls are NEVER available on the SAME NIGHT. You need at least 2-3 days notice.

And if he calls, I would not be available the first couple of times.

Thanks Melody, you are teaching me lots! What about the above post, you may have missed it as I was typing when you posted...

First off, the purpose of Plan A *IS* to win him back! The purpose of Plan A is to negotiate an end to the affair and to show your spouse that you would be willing to meet his needs in the FUTURE if he ends his affair. Your faults might have contributed to the condition of the marriage, but his behavior - his shabby boundaries with women - are what led to his affair. You are in no way responsible for that!

Do you realistically think you could sniff out the OW if you went there? See, the problem I see with that plan is that you will go out there and find out nothing. But you will come across as chasing your H, which won't help your situation. And even if you could inflict some damage on the affair [a long shot] you won't be in a position to save your marriage because you don't live there.

My vote is to stay where you are and ATTRACT him to you in Australia. His affair is doomed to failure anyway, so once it starts crumbling, you will be the attractive alternative that will hopefully draw him to move with YOU. As you draw him to YOU, he will draw away from the OW. As that happens, she will start lovebusting him since she has no plan. Another nice aspect of all this is that I see you starting to calm down:


The dark moments will become less and less the longer this goes on, I predict because you are not being subjected to his affair. This advantage gives you some time to deposit some MAJOR lovebank deposits before you have to go into Plan B. And you can do this with very little bad effect to your psyche and WITHOUT coming across like you are CHASING him.

What do you think?

Sorry Melody, I had to go and get my hair done, trying to look glamourous even if I don't feel it!


It is nice to hear this Melody, as us BS's can sometimes be so busy fighting for our marriages that we forget it was not us that decided to betray! When you say "in the future" I am just very concerned that my Plan A whilst he was in Australia was too weak... it was only in the last four days that he started to show a lot of indecision and we started to feel connected again. Since being back in affair bubble in London there has been no indecision whatsoever. And so little contact that Plan A is pretty much Plan B by his choice.

There is a chance I would find nothing, but I am much more determined now and much more aware of my options. I would try to install keylogger in laptop, get hold of his phone and obviously search the house. And I would have the element of suprise. It would be difficult, I imagine, for him to hide affair given his colleagues now know about it and it would certainly make him (and her) feel pressured as I would only have to open the front door to chat to other staff. I could also take walks around estate and pop up unexpectedly... My other thought was to go and stay at a friend's for a night after installing a recording device in the house... after all, if she is living at parents he would pobably take this opportunity to invite her around. But I do take on board your thoughts on chasing husband, and this could put him off. It is hard to know given I have no information about how the affair has progressed. I am worried he is thinking of marrying her or even having children with her as this is something he spoke about a lot when talking about reconciling with me, and is high on his agenda to become a father!!!


I would be a fool not to listen to you Melody and still regret not having listened to you much sooner when maybe I had a chance of stopping this affair from progressing (before I had my head in the sand and couldn't believe husband would do this). So do you think one 5-minute phone call since exposure is sufficient to Plan A? In six weeks of being back in the UK, we have not had a positive phone call. I text very little (and him less), no emails, and the card I sent initially (quite explicit about our goings on whilst in Australia, before he actually told me that no chance of reconiliation) was somehow intercepted and he says he never got it... mmmm, suspect OW is a wily one!


The interesting thing is that whilst in Australia I chased him for all I was worth, and he kept telling me not to give up as I had to fight for what I believed in. He seemed to want me to chase him and I wonder if this was because he had not crossed the line into physical affair. Now that he has, he believes he must remain with the woman he is having sex with? You may laugh at this, but we were both virgins when we met, and my husband has always been a gentleman up to this affair, and never spoke degradingly about another female... he has four sisters who taught him well! My chasing seemed to be making progress when he was removed from the OW. How do you suggest I make these major love deposits on the limited contact we are having?

My thoughts as you can see Melody, are still a mess! But I am listening and thinking about your advice, and weclome any criticism / feedback. Are you still for Plan A from Australia? Anyone else have any thoughts?

OK, I can't think of any time that I ever said something different from Mel, but here is my take of things. My H and I had a military marriage where we were both operating independently - much like you and your H were. My H had his affair after being deployed and mostly apart for 4 and 1/2 of 6 years. Things were a little different for us because he admitted to the affair the day I found the phone records (three days after I first asked him) and he got on a plane D-day and came home for four days. Two weekends after that, I was on a plane to where he was working and took 4 trashbags of "things that might have touched OW" to the dumpster. I was also on the phone several times with OW and with OWH. You can see I am pretty confrontational.

All that said, I think it is extremely difficult to Plan A from afar. Also, you still don't have an identity for the OW. So, I would be in favor of travelling there, snooping and surprising your husband with a visit. After all, he is still your husband; you are not legally separated and if I recall correctly, he has done nothing so far to initiate a divorce.

BTW, this affair went physical much earlier than you thought. He was deep into it before he ever mentioned anything to you.
AM

Caracal, my fear was that you would show up and there would be a big scene and he would tell you to hit the road. Do you think he will let you in?? If so, I think that would be great, because like you said, you may be able to get a keylogger on his computer. I wonder if you can get a tape recorder in there that can be managed from afar?

Do you think he would let you come in and stay?

And yes, I know he was growing close to you while he was in town with you, but I don't envision that happening there with the OW in close proximity.