When I first came on this site my wife was not having an affair - but since then things have changed. It was hard to really get help here because when I first came on everyone kept telling me she probably was when I knew for certain she was not....that did not mean there weren't problems between us that needed fixing - and I guess I felt instead of helping me work through the problems people were bent on convicing me she was already having an affair.
I'm to the point now where I have enough information to confront the person who she is now having an affair with and tell him to never talk to her again and break all contact. If he doesn't I have enough information to ruin his career - which woul drag my wife down too.
I have tried since learning of the affair to get my wife to do the right thing and end the relationship - but since she is unwilling to do so because she doesn't want to "lose a friend", I am ready to attack the problem by confronting the other party involved. I'm scared and depressed. I don't want to do what I feel I have to. I'm not sure that even ending things between them is enough at this point to save my marriage - but don't feel like I have anything to lose anymore!!!

Hi there and welcome back,
I am sure you have read all the information on the site about exposure and Plan A and Plan B if you haven't then do so,
If you have confronted your wife with the proof and she refuses to give up her AP then exposure is next, she will be mad but so what she will get over it......
Do not warn her first, let both your families know, your children age appropriate and all your friends know as well ...If the OM has a wife and family they must know as well... you do it all in one swoop. You now have a plan of attack.
This will make the OM and your wife accountable to others now for their choices, the fantasy life they have been engaged in will hit reality right in the nose, no where to hide then.....
If they work together then the work place HR department has to be notified as well....
You and your wife should also send a NO CONTACT letter to OM that you both approve, they will be spiting mad for a while you marriage can survive that anger but not if your wife has another man in her life.....
and remember this line when she asks you why you chose to do this,
just tell her that you love her and you did what you did to save your marriage...
over and over again.
You could get your wife back, in the meantime PLan A her as best you can.....don't give her the heads up or the OM.
sit back and watch that relationship fall apart, you will then be in control of this situation.......If she moves out let her, after she calms down she will be back
good luck
jessi

I appreciate your response and advice. Although there are some things that are really sticky so make it hard to work through her employer. I have talked with a few friends and family that I feel can help support me move forward in my plan of attack in this matter. Thank you for the response of telling her if she gets angry that I'm doing this because I'm trying to save our marriage....it really is why I am doing what I'm doing.
I wish this site wasn't quite so overwhelming. When I read one thing I have to stop and read something else and then something else....and pretty soon I'm tired and overwhelmed. I need the short version.....I'm ADD and I honestly can't handle too much reading that is jumping all over the place because my brain already does that!

If this board was so unhelpful to you in the past, what are you here for now? I noticed that in your first post, you didn't actually ask for any help. Why is that?

Also, how do you KNOW that she wasn't having an affiar before and now she was and what kind of advice were you given that drove her to have an affair? Were you using MB at all?

For reference purposes:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=159521&Number=2341115#Post2341115

and

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=162320&Number=2455881#Post2455881

It's my fault he's back. I'm relentless.

Welcome back, Bugs. Sorry you find yourself in this section, though you just will not find better help than here. Most traditional counselors will not give you the quality of advice you get here, for free.

In most cases, the threat of exposure just is not enough to have a snowball's chance of ending the A. I want to express my opinion that, with the magnitude of the consequences to this (single) OM, he is actually quite likely to fold. OP's are very selfish, and this one stands to lose A LOT.

EN's can change over time, and change again. What do you think your WW's current EN's are?

Probably the biggest reason I'm back is that I need support to follow through with what I feel I have to do. I'm not necessarily asking for help because I don't feel that I can explain all the variables involved and remain anonymous so don't feel completely safe. I have a plan of action, but am understandably feeling fear and anxiety about putting into play. I know not being able to give more details makes it hard to support someone, but just thought I would at least give this site another shot. I think there are a lot of great things here, but unfortunately did not have time in the past to properly explore them and put them into practice. I should have made it more of a priority - my fault! I still don't have a lot of time to sift through stuff, and get overwhelmed by too much info. at once too....grrr!
I'm not looking for someone to hold my hand, but guess I just realize some of my limitations in trying to fully and effectively use this site.

I think she wants to feel loved and cared for and that she is "respected". I think she wants to feel like I support her in what she does. But when I ask her to help me know what that looks like (because I've tried to just come up with it on my own), she either tells me she already told me and I should remember - or doesn't think she should have to tell me, I should automatically know???
Thank you Neak for the encouragement.....I've definitely been to hell and back!

Hi, Bugs. Good to see you back, but I'm sorry to hear about the circumstances.

You are in the right place, and if you get BUSY and energetic and start FIGHTING for your marriage, you might just win your wife back.

I know the amount of info might seem sort of overwhelming, but you know, you GOT TO DO THIS. You don't have time to wait any longer.

Have you considered seeing if you can get some anti-depressant medication for the interim? It can help smooth out your lows a bit and help you to keep going with a plan.

I'm afraid anti-depressants could hinder my ability to go back to work if necessary. I have taken steps to have people to be accountable to as far as my emotions etc. - so feel like I have taken steps to curb the depression.
You are right, I DO NEED TO DO THIS!

Ok....I know it is probably right in front of my nose, but looking for the stuff on plan a plan b, and can't find it. Don't know if it is because I'm really tired or just skipping over it???

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

See also:
The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A
How to Plan B Correctly

I really recommend you read the entire Surviving Infidelity section:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

Do you have the book, Surviving an Affair? It's ultra important. If you can't find it at a local library, the bookstore on this site has fast shipping.

Other helpful links:
Scotland's Thread to Help Newly Betrayed Posters.

I felt that the When to Call it Quits series of articles (3 or 4 parts) contained some very important Plan B information that I didn't see clearly explained elsewhere.

I know it's a lot to read. I know it is overwhelming. But the more of it you read, the more prepared you will be and the more you will be able to fight this. YOU GOT TO DO THIS. Time is of the essence in killing an affair. There is some repetition in all this material, but repetition is good: you will be exposed to some concepts several times in different contexts, and that will help you see how the concepts apply and learn to recognize how to apply them to your own situation. It'll help you learn to think on the fly.

Another resource for you: the Marriage Builders Radio program. Dr. Harley and his wife Joyce take calls and emails and provide free help on their show.

Free help.

They even send a free book.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/mb2.cfm?recno=12

(If you email Marriage Builders Radio and don't hear back within a day, post here and let us know. Many of us have had trouble getting through. I think lots of messages are getting caught by spam filters. Someone will help you get connected, I promise.)

The point of Plan A is to demonstrate your willingness to your spouse to meet her emotional needs and build a romantic marriage with her, a relationship of mutual care. During this time your spouse's love bank may be closed, however, due to competition. Do not let this dissuade you, as during this time, the important thing is to let your spouse know of this willingness ... and also to let your spouse know that you will not tolerate a continued affair.

Men typically have more success in Plan A, women typically have less. Plan A is typically harder on women than on men, but it can be hard on men, too. I believe Dr. Harley's recommended time frame for Plan A for men is 3-6 months, though I've heard him say that some men can go longer with support, like the support available on this forum. I've also heard him tell a few men just to keep going as Plan A represented their best hope for recovery of their marriage.

Read about and plan for Plan B at the beginning of Plan A. Don't Plan A for months and then start reading about Plan B when you think it's time for it, as that is then too late.

(For any betrayed wives lurking reading this post, the timeline for Plan A for women is 3-4 WEEKS. Plan A is extremely hard on a woman's health and wellbeing. It's even more crucial for you to have Plan B ready to go at a moment's notice.)

Plan B is motivated by the observation that the vast majority of affairs die a natural death within two years. Reality starts to set in, and the affairees discover that the affair relationship is not better than the marriage.

However, long before this point, most betrayed spouses have exhausted their love bank. An affair is one of the most abusive things that can be done to somebody. So if the betrayed spouse continues to subject himself or herself to the abuse of the wayward until the end of the affair, then once the affair is over the betrayed spouse may hate the wayward so much that recovery is impossible.

Plan B protects the remaining love that the betrayed spouse has for the unfaithful spouse, by eliminating exposure to the unfaithful spouse (who is the source of the betrayed spouse's pain). Some waywards may come to their senses in Plan B as a result of the loss of emotional needs being met by the betrayed spouse, but this is not the primary purpose of Plan B. The primary purpose is to wait out the affair and be ready for marital recovery at that time.

Plan A tip: do it right. Plan A is not being a doormat. Stay in touch with Marriage Builders (and Dr. Harley if possible) for advice and supervision to make sure you are doing it right. Don't burn yourself out by doing it wrong.

Thanks Markos for all the links, I will try to get through them!

No problem, Bugs. You can do it. Get to reading!

Also, give serious consideration to giving Dr. Harley a call.

Do you have the book, Surviving an Affair?