bugs,
your feelings are very normal, just try to do a few things every day try to motivate yourself.....I know the hours flew by every day and I couldn't accomplish anything productive...........
I think as soon as your exposure takes place you will feel more in control. you will have stood up for yourself and your marriage.........
the madder they are the more you know it worked.......power is within you.
Nicely of course..............
we didn't like being sick every morning either, but just like it will for you in time that passes........
just keep thinking and saying you are doing what you need to do to save your marriage because you love your wife..........over and over again.......because YOU are worth any amount of trouble or aggravation ...............
a little hard work with a good result is what your objective is here..........transition period is hard and discouraging.......but the key is patience and letting the breakdown of the affair take it's course........
jessi

I guess one of the things I need most right now is the encouragement! I know my feelings are normal, I guess I'm just so afraid of the consequences that I don't want to chicken out on confronting the OP!

Your feelings ARE normal Bugs! And you're doing a great job. Do not be afraid. Exposure is the best thing that happens to us bs' b/c it truly hastens the end of the destructive affair.

Goal of the affairees is to slide everything under the rug, keeping the affair so low under radar that it's not funny. Meanwhile they spout out stuff to their bs' like "love u but not in love w/you" and "I feel more like roommates or best friends w/you" or garbage like that. Or they blame everything on you period, so that when they try to leave or take the affair up a notch, there's that idiotic justification (they think) for their affair. But in no way have I ever seen a wayward who was proud of their affair to the point that exposure had no effect.

It always has effect. And it does serious damage to the affair, if not killing it outright that very day. Don't be afraid of that wussy OM. Any guy who would sneak around with someone's wife is a scaredy cat weasel. Even if he's the size of goliath, he has the soul and heart of a weak little worm and he can be easily squashed!

Just stay strong my friend! We're praying for you. You've got that courage!

Remember, the goal is to make as much trouble for the affair that it makes it literally impossible to continue.

Might want to take a friend with you to be a witness in case this guy tries some crazy stuff or physically attacks you.

Sorry, just can't be too safe when dealing with the AP. They could claim all sorts of nutty things and even get you arrested.

Take care and God Be With You!

Wow,I have heard all of those, and my thoughts were if I was the best friend, she would not be doing this to me. Tells me that she loves kids but not sure about me. Tries to convince me that OM has always been a good friend....which my response was that a good friend would have helped her to fix her marriage not become a part of the problem.

In spite of all that - I'm being honest that I do feel like crap, and I do need encouragement, and I am scared about the outcome. I want to be strong, but have taken so much abuse that it is honestly hard to be strong at this point even when I have everything to be in control of the situation!

Tell ww that good friends do not DISRESPECT you by treating you like a common ho. It is not a compliment to seduce a friend and then bang them and ruin their lives and it is NOT what a friend would do.

YOU are in control of this. Bugs, YOU drive this. You can drive this family of yours away from this affair forever, or you can not act quickly and drive it into a wall.

Expose smartly. Bring a friend and have that var.

THANK YOU! My thoughts exactly!

Keep your chin up. Do your best and let go of the rest. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, and before you know it, the excruciating wait will be over.

Believe me, you will feel so much better when the exposures and confrontations are over. Stand firm and don't back down - you are on the side of righteousness here.

Also, since you're still struggling with depression, very understandable, think about who else might be able to join your support circle. People's reaction will likely surprise you. When it comes right down to it, most people are going to support you, while still being willing to reconcile with WW once they see she has changed. You need all the support you can get. Parents, close friends, pastors, all make a great team.

Another thing I encourage you to do is to distance yourself emotionally from your talks with WW. She will lie, she will spew venom at you, she will do anything she can to hold on to the comfortable knowledge of home life while still keeping on with her addiction. None of that is your problem. It's all on her.

Turn it into a game, where you learn to respond to fog talk. Someone around here surely knows where the thread is on how to do that. It involved confusing a wayward by always being polite, agreeing with them wherever possible (usually with a twist), and using the art of distraction when things begin to get heated. For example:

WW: You're so controlling. I don't even love you any more.
BH: You're right, and I can't wait till we're in love again. Did I tell you what the kids did this morning? It was hilarious!

That sort of answer and quick switch keeps them off balance. Even if they get angry, it's tough for them to follow you when you continually and cheerfully distract them.

It also gives you a way to inject a little humor into what are otherwise very stressful interactions. Just remember, the angrier she is, the better, because she isn't indifferent to you. Indifference is a much greater enemy than anger.

Thanks Neak...I've been trying to be positive in my talks with her. She talks a lot about the OM and I just try to ignore it and talk about something else. I think the problem she is facing is that she is trying to desperately to hold onto the "friendship" with the OM, but doesn't totally want to lose her family. I told her that she couldn't have both because I am unwilling to share.

Very good.

Right now, in Plan A, you're expressing verbally what you expect. When she persists in the A (as she will), there are typically few consequences.

Plan B, where you cut off all contact with her until the A has ended and she is ready to work on the M, is where the consequences really start to pile up.

When a good exposure has already been done, and the effects from that have been felt, it just is a good foundation for Plan B and the arrival of the rest of the consequences.

In the meantime, everything she has to say is fog blah blah fog fog fog blah blah. Don't stress it.

"WW: You're so controlling. I don't even love you any more.
BH: You're right, and I can't wait till we're in love again. Did I tell you what the kids did this morning? It was hilarious!"

Neak...awesome.

Stay focused, Bugs. You're doing great!

Ok...in the last week I have told my parents and mother-in-law about my WS A. They both have expressed that they don't think I should confront OM even though I have told them that WS refuses to a NC order. I feel like they are supportive of me, but don't understand that for us to save our marriage I have to squash the A!

Good! You need them on your side. Even if they don't understand, they love you and will support you. You need that. And at whatever point WW is ready to rejoin the family, she will be able to mend those relationships.

I totally get why you are hesitant to expose on one last front. And if you were a total stranger, I would still push very hard for you to expose anyway.

What I will say instead, is that whenever the point comes that the final exposure is your only option, do it fearlessly and leave the consequences to God. He will rule in events for His glory.

How long has her affair been going on?
And this is her 2nd affair, correct?
Is she remorseful?

Has been going on since Jan. that I'm sure of, possibly Dec.
It is the second time, and I don't think she is remorseful and tries to blame me for it!
Not saying that I'm a perfect person and that there weren't things I could have done differently, but it was still her decision.

Expose, Bugs.

If you believe in prayer, please pray for me. My wife has asked me some questions that I believe has opened the door for some real discussion. I'm not going to say here exactly how I'm going to approach this because I honestly can't expect anyone to give me the advice I need without revealing things I can't say. I appreciate all your support, and hopefully the confrontation I'm anticipating will not be as bad as I expect.

OK Bugs, man of mystery: I don't pray cos I aint a Christian, but good energy sent.

However unless you start being a little more open, it's impossible for anyone to guide you, not me, I am not a vet, but there are very skilled people here who could.

Keep your taker under control, listen to what she has to say, wait 15 seconds before responding to anything, keep responses short and to the point.

Give the whole conversation a time limit.

I have taken my finger out of the dam. I'm not sure how today will end, but if nothing else I will at least probably know if my WW will want to work out our problems.

Thanks to Neak for the advice on the things I could not share publicly, and Makos for the call yesterday! I'm honestly scared about what is going to happen, but moving forward in faith!

Just to clarify a little - I was encouraged this morning that WW has been asking questions about what our relationship would look like both together and seperated. I unloaded pretty much everything on her (major exposure) including that her afair is a secret no longer, that I have told my family and hers as well, and at this point she must choose between OM and her husband. I have not received a response as of yet, but am sure that she is in shock right now and may be trying to figure out how to spin this or actually face up to her responsibilities as a wife and mother???
I don't know if this helps or makes sense? Again, I'm not trying to let her out of anything, and am trying to approach her in a loving manner while at the same time exercising radical honesty approach. In doing that I had to give away my source, but I feel good about being honest with her no matter what the outcome!