I need to clarify this post because there is NO OMW, which is why DH can not find any information on her. He is divorced. OM has respected my wishes and has not tried to contact me nor I him. Pushing the issue with the OM will not help us progress at this point it would only slow us down.

Hi everyone,

I'm "Ray's" wife. As I read this discussion, I have been flooded with a slew of emotions. First I felt anger because there is so much more to this than any of you know. My first thought was to let you all know exactly what led me to the affair because it wasn't JUST the drinking and the issues with his DD. But unlike all of you, I don't feel exposing his actions is beneficial to our recovery process.

Some of what I read was difficult to read. But I deserve it all. I made the choice to cheat. I have been on the other end, I swore that I would never do that to anyone. Now here I sit in the hot seat. The last two and half months I have done literally NOTHING that I am proud of. I ran from my husband when I should have ran to him. It doesn't matter that I believed that he didn't love me or that I spent the previous year and half trying to save our marriage on my own and that I was leaving because I could not take much more from him or his DD. Those still are not good excuses for my actions. THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR MY ACTIONS.

I can say that I think that had "Ray" taken the advice of someone and told my kids anything without my knowledge, I would have found it unforgivable and would have left. I still have some anger where the exposure of my affair is concerned because people that I AM NOT CLOSE with were contacted. I don't think that it is necessary to involve others in such a private matter. As "Ray" stated in a previous post, the only one that he needed to speak to was his Dad. Because he is the ONE person that I TRUST and RESPECT. Yes even over my dear husband...but I hope in time and a lot of hard work that we can both learn to trust each other again.

I love my husband very much. I can't believe that I almost threw it all away by looking somewhere else for what I needed. During the last several weeks I have realized a lot about myself and that I need to change some things that I do. It's easy for me to get angry at others actions...and hold on to that anger...then use it to justify my own actions. That just doesn't work! I have some changes to make in myself. I have to learn to let go of the past. I have to learn to forgive.

I will do whatever it takes to have my best friend back, because years ago, he was pretty freaking awesome and I have missed him so much! I want to be able to tell him everything again. I want to be able to turn to him when I am happy, sad or scared. I want time to stand still (he knows what I mean).

I pray that he can find it in his heart to forgive me! Thank you all for being here for him. And helping him knock some sense into me! But it will be the ONLY time that you will get that opportunity because this is one road that I WILL NEVER travel again. EVER!

I guarantee you will eventually feel differently about this and you only feel like this now because the cranial-rectal extraction is still a work in progress. Most if not all WS's do a pretty good exorcist impression when confronted by their own sleazy actions and hate being exposed for what they truely are/were.

Time builds a different perspective so some advice? Build a romantic relationship again with your husband - we call that just compensation for the insult of the affair. There really is nothing more emasculating for a man than for his wife to have an affair so you'll have to excuse me if I don't buy tickets to your pity party. Wake up dear and thank God your husband still wants to be married to you. Instead of trusting and respecting your FIL, try some of that with your husband - you'll be amazed how well that might work in your recovery.

Oh yes - of course there are reasons but no excuses as you seem to realise. It was 100% your choice to have an affair. But you both need to work on the issues that lead to the affair to make sure they don't happen again. Excuses, justifications and rationalisations??? We've heard em all believe me.

I am not asking for a pity party. Far from it. But again, no one here has ALL THE FACTS...just a small portion and the most recent. I am not excusing my actions in any way shape or form. There is no excuse for them...I know that.

Instead of trusting and respecting your FIL, try some of that with your husband - you'll be amazed how well that might work in your recovery. [/quote]



My FIL has always had my trust and respect and now I will have to earn that back from him, MIL and my husband. My husband will also have to earn MY trust and respect back and he knows all the reasons why. So, we are BOTH LUCKY that we want to remain married to each other because we both have reasons to leave.

I am not here to debate my actions and why I deserve a second chance with my husband or how lucky I am that he wants to give me another chance. I am grateful for the opportunity to rebuild our marriage and I know that we can have an incredible life together when we get past all OUR stupid choices over the years.

Hello Ray's wife and welcome here.


Are you implying that there are some facts (your husbands bad behaviour in the past maybe?) that you are still considering as a reason of your affair? What facts can be out there that will change the fact that you had an affair?

Blameshifting doesn't work here. Your situation is far from unique.

My wife still thanks me for the exposure. Your anger over it shows you are still very foggy and dangerous to you husband.

I suggest you to start your own thread, you can get much more focused advice. Keep the NC and your perspective will start to change.

Rayswife,


I too hope you will look at your H's exposure with unfoggy eyes some day and see your CHANCE in there.

Dr Harley has said, that the more people know about what you do in your most private moments, the safer you are to others.

I suggest you start reading Policy of Radical Honesty

I walked in your shoes once. Owning what you've done, showing remorse (with no buts), apologising, recognising and establishing boundaries around opposite sex, taking extraordinary precautions to protect your H and M from another affair to happen and doing all this WITHOUT your H's need to tell you to do so will lead you to recovery.

Tell your children the truth. Welcome to MB.

If Ray has pointed you to his thread here, I suspect that he's made a grave tactical error.

FWIW, it's common practice here that if both spouses are posting here for assistance, they do so in their own threads. Posting in each other's thread just leads to a lot of he-said/she-said.

No, "Ray" did not point me to his thread. As I was reading it, I knew it was him. As I stated previously, I am not making excuses for my actions. I have taken steps to make the necessary changes in myself and my future actions to build a strong marriage.

I mentioned to "Ray" this morning that I have mixed feelings about this site. I don't intend to continue posting here because this is where he came to for advice and support.

Please stay if you intend on working on your marriage, just make your own thread that you can come to and vent, ask questions, post, etc.

The reason it is advised not to share threads is so each of you can be free in what you say, without judgement and paybacks. You are advised not only to not post, but not read the other's thread as well.

I understand having reservations on the sitre and info here. I believe if you just give it a full 100% chance, no holds barred, accept it all at face value and WORK THIS PROGRAM, you will be sold on it. You WILL see big changes.

No, there is no sugar coating, you will get called up when you make a mistake, you will find a few 2x4's with your name on them, we all do. There's a great way of looking at it....

If something is said that bothers you, angers you or makes you sad, think deeper about why. Usually means, there's truth in it.

No one said this would be an easy ride. If the shoes were on the other foot, how do you think you would feel?

Isn't it worth giving your marriage, your husband, that much?

At this stage you will find MB a useful place to vent and get advice from people that have been there, done that, saw it, and got the T shirt ahead of you.

You should not read your BH's posts for awhile for he may need a place to vent and get help as you.

So start a thread of your own and the both of you agree to not read or post on each other's threads.