I have been on and off this website for the last six and a half months, never commenting, just reading and absorbing. I don't know all the shorthand either. I learned of my husband's affair on December 22--from the the OW. 18 1/2 years together, 15 1/2 married, three daughters, and he's running around with a 26 yo colleague (we are in our early 40's). He has traveled our entire marriage and never once did I question our relationship, but then his father died unexpectedly, things at work started to get increasingly difficult, his travel schedule became crazy, and our marriage began to stagnate. We just stopped taking care of it. For the last six months, we have worked really hard putting our lives back on track. We moved away--far--out of the country, he took a new job, his travel schedule was cut in half or more. I'm no longer working. We have help, and yet here I am, back in the States...just two weeks apart, and I feel like I'm back at square one.

I am so angry, hurt, disappointed, disillusioned. Distance is not a good thing, ever, even in the best of circumstances. He calls often, texts more, we "dialogue" (did a marriage encounter after the birth of our second daughter). I have returned to seeing our therapist since I've been home, but these last days, I just don't know what I want. Our renters are not taking care of our home, my friends are vacationing or busy with their day-to-day lives. Truth is I'm lonely and heartbroken.

I feel like it's December 23rd...after so much forward movement for so many months, I have been horrible the last few days--not following any of the advice here, the bank is depleted in such a short time. I am angry at him on the phone, I haven't responded to calls and texts...I just can't seem to get beyond this at this very point...

The affair lasted nine months--two were full on, then he tried to break it up, but she threatened him with many nasty things including sexual harrassment--it was overturned, but he was passed up for a promotion. He had two episodes with her later on, one four months later and then one more month after that. She threatened suicide, telling me, etc., was put on medical leave. Finally, I guess he told her once and for all it was done, she emailed me through work. He stopped all contact with her, even though she made a full out effort through Christmas and New Years, then one more attempt in March.

I think he is being honest and forthright, but can I ever really know again? He is attentive, more communicative then ever, and super patient--all relatively new traits. I'm the one who is stuck...

I'm afraid that I'm sabotaging us with my drama lately, but, then again, I wonder if that's what I want. I just hurt to the very core...

Hi Bruyere and welcome to MB,

Just a quick suggestion, you really should move this thread over to surviving an affair as you will get a lot of help from active members of this great forum

click 'notify' from the bottom of your post and ask to have it moved.

Thank you Learning2Grow!

Funny how the days are up and down, and the betrayal is there--every day. I FINALLY deleted the email she sent me, and there is something freeing about that. I can not say how many times I have gone back and read and reread the email and the texts that came through to him that day. That alone is enough to warrant divorce.

Last night, in my wanting to get even state, I googled her, and wouldn't you know, she was arrested for a DUI last week? I wouldn't be honest if I didn't say how GOOD that felt! I need to stop dragging myself down.

Last night, I also called my WH (I'm visiting relatives a half a world away), and asked him questions that I still felt were unanswered...there was something liberating in that too. I don't think there was any information too new, but sometimes I feel like I need to keep hearing what a mistake this was.

I need to hear that he's in pain too...is that normal?!

I'm so sorry you find yourself here.
Does he still work with OW?

Bruyere,

It's little wonder that you are hurting. In addition to the affair, you gave up your home, your family (parents, siblings) your support network of friends and your therapist when you moved out of the country. You probably haven't had time to build new networks where you are living now. You need them. WH needs them. AND you need each other to rebuild your marriage together.

I hope you will be together again soon.

Yes, hurt, resentment, and anger are all normal emotions in the aftermath of an affair. Revenge, however, is destructive to both of you and the marriage.

There are articles here as well as in SAA dealing with the subject of how you get over your anger and resentment. One thing I believe will help immensely is to make new friends where you are now living. You definitely need a support network to get through this.

People here will try and help, too.

Brainhurts, they no longer work together. In fact, she was on psychological medical leave from December and never went back. Thankfully.

Freefall, I also gave up a job that I loved, but everything started around the same time I took the job. It filled a need I was missing in my marriage--which fulfilled my EN for admiration. I never really thought about that until doing the EN questionnaire, but since having children, I always worked part-time, took care of a home, three kids, pets while he traveled 4 or 5 days each week. I was very resentful--"doing it all" with little or no feeling of being valued. Now, I am choosing not to work because I need to focus on my family and marriage, and that's okay, but I'm not fully there yet. My WH has been better about fulfilling that need, but some of that has to come from within.

I know it doesn't sound like it here, but I am a very private person. Our family knows about this, but I have only told one very close friend. I have read on here this idea of telling everyone (kids too--which I don't agree with), and that is not right for me. You're right, I need a support network there, but this is a fresh start for us, and so far it has been a good one, I don't feel I need everyone knowing the history of our marriage and what, other than a great opportunity for my H's career, brought us there.

It is difficult to talk to people about this because there is always judgment and that is not what we need. We need support.

As for revenge...I know how destructive and futile it would be. It just sounds like a good idea, especially when I spiral downward, which is often lately. I'll read the articles. We both read SAA within first weeks of D-day. I'll reread the part on revenge.

There are times I just can't stop harping on this topic with H. I know I need to, that what I'm doing is fostering bad energy, but I want answers outside of LBs and the other stuff (grief over passing of father, job dissatisfaction)? Are there any or is this what it all comes down to?

Me: BW, 41
Him: WH, 43
3 DD's
D-Day: 12/22/10 (nice Christmas present from OW, eh?)

Hi Bruy,

welcome to MB, glad to see that you found your way here and glad that you have looked into the ENs questionaires and MB concepts.

It is really helpful that you have a good insight into what happened in your marriage and where things started to go wrong, this should put you in a good position to have things in place to stop your marriage from getting to the stale point again.

However it is hard to work on exsisting problems once you have the added betrayal of an A in the mix because people tend to concentrate on the A wich is something that has already happened rather than the M wich is something that is ongoing and needs the priority attention wise.

It took me 2 to start to get over the anger, frustration and resentment left over from the A. You are 6 months into this process.

I too looked at OW web info over and over again waiting for something bad to happen to her in order to beleive that Karma truly does catch up with people and it wasnt up to me to spend my life ruining hers. She will eventually do that herself with no help from me nor is it my concern what she does from now on.

My sincere advice to you would be:

1) to not spend any time apart from your H, the travelling and time apart seams to put a strain on your marriage and Dr H does advise that you should not spend a night apart during your marriage.

2) If you have any questions remaining from the A then it is best to set 1/2 to 1 hour a week where you sit down with your H and discuss your questions, concerns and express your feelings about what happened. By the sounds of it your H has been complacent in answering questions and wanting to put the marriage back together, it can be draining on both of you to constantly talk about the A. If you set a time aside where you know you will have his undivided attention to ask about what has been bothering you this should help. He will also know that there is a time set for him to give you the answers you need and should be happier than being shouted at, resented and attacked with questions at random times. If you think of things you want to ask make a note and ask at the time you have set aside. hopefully over time you will think about the A less often. The more open he is with you the better your recovery will be.

3)Read SAA again together, reading it again you will notice much more information that would have been missed while still very raw from the A and read it the first time.

4) Exposure of the A is advisible because it gets you the family support you need and it brakes up the A (not relevant in your case I know). I read the part where you do not agree with exposing to kids, I am totally for this because kids are not stupid and when something as big as an A happens to their family there is inevitable tension and upset in the household and they feel it (even a supermum wont be able to hide that kind of upset from the kids) so it would be better for them to be told what is going on.

I know you say you are a private person but keeping a secret (the A) from people put distance between you and your friends and family and doesent give them a fair chance to be able to help or support your family. Yes they might get angry on your behalf, yes they will have their opinions that you will have to deal with but in the end if they are good friend and good family they will support your decision to stay married and will do what you ask in order to help your family.


I am sure the vets will have many more suggestions for you but this is all I can say in the hope of helping for now.

Give yourself a chance to heal it has only been 6 months, what you are feeling is normal and expected under the circumstances.

bump

Your WH still travels for work? If so, this is a very bad idea for a restored marriage. DrH says that couples shouldn't spend any nights apart.

Also, you are reluctant to expose, but that is the number one thing that needs to be done. If you aren't willing to do that, what other questions would you want answered? What should you do? Expose. This keeps your WH accountable and it allow others to support you. It also allows your WH to feel and live with the consequences of his actions, which he needs.

NB28--thank you. Much of your advice is spot-on.

IMO, this is not the type of "exposure" that MB is referring to. That sounds more like exposure done out of revenge and to humiliate your spouse. MB recommends exposure as a tool to END THE A, and it should be done in a manner that highlights that.

e.g.

"My WH is a POS and he's scr*wing around with the nextdoor neighbour's W!" - that is not MB exposure

"My WH is having an A, and I'd like your assistance in bringing it to an end." - that's MB exposure.

bruyere, the basic issue here is that your husband continues to travel. So everytime he leaves you will be back to square one. Traveling jobs are an invitation to an affair, but you already know that. Your instincts are trying to tell you that you are in danger...and you ARE. Your marriage will not recover and you will remain in DANGER until he gets another job where he doesn't travel. There is no job in the world that is worth sacrificing a marriage over.

This is why changing the environment that led to the affair and affair proofing your marriage is one of the first steps in order to RECOVER from the affair. Otherwise, you are looking at repeat affairs because you can't ever recover from the first one. There are major obstacles to recovery here and until those are overcome, I predict you are in for a death of a thousand cuts.

And more importantly than this, you can't do the necessary work required to fall in love again if you are not together, meeting each others needs on a DAILY BASIS.


Here is how you can know. By being together every night and by creating such a transparent lifestyle that it would be impossible for him to cheat. That is how. With him traveling, though, he has every opportunity to continue his affair or even begin new ones. And probably will. You already know that this is the condition that leads to cheating with him. Until that changes, you will never be safe.

Bruyer, I have no idea what most of this means because I don't know your abbreviations. Can you retype them adding the actual words so folks can understand?

As far as telling children about adultery, I would assert it was not the truth that damaged you, but your fathers adultery. Of course it caused you to not trust men. But not because of the truth, because your father was untrustworthy.

It is lies and adultery that poison children, not the truth. Lying to kids about the source of tension in their home just teaches them to be dishonest. Children are not made happy or secure believing illusions about their parents.

As the child of a serial cheater, I can tell you that my mothers lies about my fathers adultery created enormous moral confusion and self doubt in me as young as age 4. I knew something was very wrong but since no adult would validate this and give me moral guidance, I concluded that I must be a very stupid girl and learned to doubt my own instincts. I was perpetually confused growing up because of my fathers affairs. You don't help your children or your husband by whitewashing his crimes. You just confuse your kids and teach them to be dishonest.

Covering up your husbands adultery harms your children and your husband, bruyere.

Dr. Harley on telling the children:

here

This is why it is so imperative for the source of your anxiety to be removed, b. You won't be able to cover up your very natural anxiety to this unsustainable situation for long. Your anxiety will not stop until the SOURCE of the anxiety goes away. Your anxiety will GROW.

Let's say you got hit by a car while playing chicken. When you go back out to play chicken, your instincts will rightly warn you that you are in danger. You will feel great anxiety, for good reason. The anxiety will get worse the longer you continue to play in the road. And when you inevitably get hit again, your anxiety will worsen.

The solution is to not to become a better chicken player or to learn to do a better job of beating down your anxiety, but to GET OUT OF THE ROAD.

Get out of the road, my friend.